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Asking a favor of a friend not invited to the wedding

[Deleted User][Deleted User] member
Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
edited March 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So there's a song my friend/bridesman promised to sing at my wedding months before I was even engaged, and now I'm trying to figure out the logistics of providing a backing track for him. I have several friends who can play piano from my theater circles, but unfortunately none that I'm close enough to have invited to the wedding. I've been thinking about approaching one of them who has done backing tracks for our amateur cabaret nights as favors in the past to ask if he'll record one for us, but I'm unsure how to approach it -- should I ask and mention the wedding without any explanation/apology (thinking this might cut down on awkwardness), ask and explain about our massive families/venue capacity being the reason he didn't make the cut, treat it like a vendor arrangement and offer to pay up front (thinking this will be the best option because he's giving his time/talent, but also don't want to insult him because we are friends)? Another option I haven't considered? We're friendly and have gone out to bars together several times over the years/were closer when we did shows together, but haven't really talked in almost a year, so I don't think he'd be EXPECTING an invite or shocked he wasn't asked. Thanks in advance for your help!
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Re: Asking a favor of a friend not invited to the wedding

  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'd just treat it like a vendor agreement. "Hey John...I'm needing to hire someone to do blah blah blah for my wedding and you came to mind. Would you be interested?" He's an aquaintance, not a friend, it sounds like.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I agree with approaching it from a vendor standpoint. Don't try to give any explanation as to why he didn't make the cut. That would be super awkward and borderline rude IMHO. You don't even need to bring that part up. 
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  • danamwdanamw member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Offer to hire him for the task. That means an offer of payment, and better if you agree on a sum of money. Then things are cut and dried.
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  • MollyandDMollyandD member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2015
    I agree also. Don't mention or explain why this person wasn't invited, and don't act like this is a last minute invitation. You're trying to hire someone to do a job. Approach it like that. Ask what the charge would be, and you can also mention that he can eat during the reception. I invited my vendors, like the bartender, photographer, coordinator, and minister to eat the reception food. I just would try to be careful to avoid making it sound like you're giving a last minute invite. No one wants to feel like a B list friend, you know?
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2015
    Thank you everyone, you're definitely right. I think my instinct to explain because I didn't want him to feel insulted/slighted overrode my better sense. Plus now that I've written it all out, it would be much less awkward for him to refuse payment if offered than ask for it if not.

    @molly&domenic (no idea how to make that work, I've looked all over) -- I don't think I'd be offering to feed him if he's just giving me a recording to be played at the reception, right? If he's not physically there, whatever payment I offer would be sufficient.
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  • MollyandDMollyandD member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    sylveonplath said:

    Thank you everyone, you're definitely right. I think my instinct to explain because I didn't want him to feel insulted/slighted overrode my better sense. Plus now that I've written it all out, it would be much less awkward for him to refuse payment if offered than ask for it if not.

    @molly&domenic (no idea how to make that work, I've looked all over) -- I don't think I'd be offering to feed him if he's just giving me a recording to be played at the reception, right? If he's not physically there, whatever payment I offer would be sufficient.

    Oh I'm sorry. I totally misread. I thought he was going to play music there. Then yeah, just ask him to do it for a price. 
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  • mrscomposermrscomposer member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    The other option?  Since the bridesman is singing the song and in this instance, is kind of taking on a role as a vendor - have him arrange for his own accompaniment track, like any other ceremony musician would.
    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
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