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Managing grief thru wedding planning?

I'm in the home stretch of finally becoming a OMH; just under 2 weeks away!

But over the weekend I had a major meltdown and got into it bad with my step dad. After hashing it out and realizing that the stress + loss of my dad and "loss" of my mother (she had a stroke that nearly killed her, changing her personality completely as if she's a different person, who also can't walk, mover her right side or talk) is really bringing back old feeling of the grieving process. I know I would be best talking to a therapist but since I haven't been to one in over two years, they can't get me in within the next week. 

Saturday really set me off. My mom was always the "hostess with the mostest", planning parties, an arts and crafts master. She didn't even want to help me sort items into bags that night. (I know that I shouldn't expect her to help me, but before the stroke I wouldn't have even have to ask, she would just want to do it.) My step dad said, "I know you probably always wanted your mom to help you plan your wedding and do all this stuff with you. She was a master at working the glue gun." And that really set me off in missing her, and yet she was sitting right next to me! 

There's only so much wine can do, and I don't want to be a blubbering fool on my wedding day.


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Re: Managing grief thru wedding planning?

  • Sending internet hugs your way. I'm sorry, that's really tough. 
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  • I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's not the same, but both of my grandfathers suffered from strokes, and I know it is SO hard to come to terms with losing the person they were pre-stroke, while still loving the person they have become (does that make sense?). 

    Best wishes, and congrats on being in the home stretch!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I'm so sorry. I totally understand grieving the loss of a person who's technically still with you. It happened with my grandma when she got Alzheimer's and her personality totally changed before she even completely lost her memory, and kind of happened when I realized my dad will never be the dad I wanted, so I have to let it go and quit hoping for something different. It's a loss, even if the loss isn't physical. And it's still hard, and it still hurts. 

    You're allowed to be sad and grieve however much you need to. It must be a really tough situation for you with these circumstances. Hugs. 
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  • I am so very sorry. What a difficult thing to deal with! Hugs to you.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • FIL had passed prior to me even meeting H.  H had similar feelings of missing his dad right before our wedding.  Together we went to the cemetary to visit FIL.  I don't know if it would help you, but it very much helped my H.

    Since you can't get in to see your therapist quickly, can you find an online support group of children of stroke survivors?  Maybe they would be able to help you, since they have been in the same situation.

    I'm sorry you are going through this.

  • Thanks ladies.

    novella & tfmrserwin, it's like the shell of her body but its not her. It's the weirdest feeling. I'm very happy that she made it through, but with my dad, I remember him as he was. It was final. If I want to see photos or video of him, it's at my own doing. My mom is still alive and it's a constant reminder of what happened and what she lost and how she's different. Because this was caused by lack of medication and taking care of herself, it almost gets me angry. 

    I thought I was done with this. but I guess not. Maybe every big "moment" will bring feelings up again? Getting married, buying your first home, having kids?


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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2015
    Thanks ladies.

    novella & tfmrserwin, it's like the shell of her body but its not her. It's the weirdest feeling. I'm very happy that she made it through, but with my dad, I remember him as he was. It was final. If I want to see photos or video of him, it's at my own doing. My mom is still alive and it's a constant reminder of what happened and what she lost and how she's different. Because this was caused by lack of medication and taking care of herself, it almost gets me angry. 

    I thought I was done with this. but I guess not. Maybe every big "moment" will bring feelings up again? Getting married, buying your first home, having kids?
    Grief is a process, and obviously since your mom is still in this situation with her health and being a different person, you can't have finality to it. It's something that will keep coming up, and that's ok. It's ok to think you're fine and then feel bad again, because-- like you said-- this is a big moment in your life. 

    I think it would be a good idea to talk to a counselor whenever you can. I know you said you have to wait for an appointment but even if you have to wait till after the wedding, it still would probably feel good to get some of this off your chest and maybe learn some useful coping mechanisms for this particular situation. 

    It might also help to try to focus on the positive things whenever you start to feel the loss. Think of all the wonderful people in your life, and all the support you get from them. (Just like you guys advised me, and it helps a ton; when my sister is being a bitch or my dad is raging at me, I think of how amazing FI's family is, and how lucky I am to have them). It's a lot different than your situation, but it never hurts to remind yourself of the good things. And it doesn't compensate for the loss or make it any less significant, but sometimes it does help.

    ETF paragraphs and clarity 
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  • OliveOilsMom I will look into it.


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  • I lost my dad when I was 19...fast forward 16 years when I was getting married...and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I grieved that loss as if it had just happened all over again.  That was the hardest part for me when it came to wedding planning.  Please know that you're not alone in feeling this way...  I really thought I'd be struggling badly with his absence on my wedding day but instead I had the strangest sense of peace come over me...and I'm normally a very high strung person who would be a crying mess...but it just never happened.  I felt his presence more so that day than I have the last 17 years.  I hope you feel the same on your day.
  • My Grandma had a stroke, and her memory was wiped clean as the day she was born. I was so close to her pre-stroke, and she, too, became someone a little different post stroke. I know it is hard, but I know you will become close to your mother again, and find new things about her to love.  
       I know wedding planning brings out so many emotions of who you wish could be there. Your step-father sounds like a very understanding loving man. My heart goes out to you. Sending you plenty of warm hugs.
  • themuffinman16 my step dad is a great guy, has been in my life for a long time. We do, however, have very different grieving processes, as he's more logical and I'm more emotional. We tend to butt heads easily though we make it a point to try not to. 
    mlg78 said:
    I lost my dad when I was 19...fast forward 16 years when I was getting married...and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I grieved that loss as if it had just happened all over again.  That was the hardest part for me when it came to wedding planning.  Please know that you're not alone in feeling this way...  I really thought I'd be struggling badly with his absence on my wedding day but instead I had the strangest sense of peace come over me...and I'm normally a very high strung person who would be a crying mess...but it just never happened.  I felt his presence more so that day than I have the last 17 years.  I hope you feel the same on your day.
    Thank you for this. I try to see my dad in my everyday life, and I do see him now and then. During my bridal shower last month a random butterfly got caught under our tent and hung out for awhile; butterflies are not known to be in that area where the party was.

    It's been really hard, but I pray that sense of peace comes over my as it did you. I don't want to end up like Ginny Baker in 16 Candles on her wedding day; I'm high strung too and can get quite emotional.


    Thank you everyone!


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  • I kinda get what you're going through. I lost my dad almost a year ago, and every so often that angry-sad-lost feeling comes up. I'm hoping you have people around you that understand and will basically be there if you need them. I'm anticipating having at least one moment when i "completely lose it" {best choice of words} because ... well as you said huge moments in your life might cause this to happen.

    If you ever need to vent to someone, feel free to msg me <3
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