Commitment issues with women?

Blackbird230 · March 2015

I was reading an article in Brides magazine that said when men propose that's them commiting and women usually have more flashes of cold feet during the engagement. Have you felt like this?

Swazzle · March 2015

I knew very early on in my relationship that I wanted to marry H. We talked about it and were on the same page but we were also young and trying to get settled with work. There wasn't one time before or after I got engaged that I had doubts about marrying him.

KeptInStitches · March 2015

Since we got engaged, I haven't doubted whether I want to marry FI. I will say that since we got engaged, every fight/disagreement we've had has felt ... bigger. There is an element of "I have to live with this FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!?!?", but it's not cold feet so much as reminding myself that he and I will never have the same organizational level, for example, and I can either deal with it or step up myself but he won't change that.

And of course I've had many doubts about whether I want to have a wedding, but not about whether I want to marry him.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

I've never felt "cold feet" with DH. I also knew very early on in our relationship that I wanted to marry DH. We also talked about marriage a lot before he actually proposed so we were on the same page about everything going forward.

lavenderfields13 · March 2015

for me, everything @keptinstiches said

minskat30 · March 2015

I love H and I could never imagine my life without him. I knew it early and he feels the same way. That said, when we have big fights every once in a great while, he has freaked out sometimes and "doubted us". It really pisses me off since he is just freaking out and he needs to get every worry off his mind without any use of a filter. Don't get me wrong, I love honesty but no use of a filter can be selfish at times. This is a part of his personality under stress (not his best trait and he's working on it). Like @KeptInStitches I do have my moments of "THIS again?!?" but they pass pretty quickly. I don't think we've had an argument that has lasted more than a few hours.

labro · March 2015

H and I decided to take things slow in our relationship but we both recognized and talked early on about a mutual desire to get married to each other. I've never had cold feet or doubts about my decision to stay with him and get engaged and married. Fights haven't necessarily felt bigger, but I've definitely felt a stronger desire to find the deeper issue behind the fight so we can talk about it and resolve it early before it becomes a bigger problem.

minskat30 · March 2015

Ditto what @labro said. We have really, really deep conversations whenever we get into a spat about the issue/our personalities/our current stress points/etc. We've never brushed an issue under the table and, instead, talk them out fully to get to the heart of the problem and find a mutual solution. They are some of our best conversations and I'm always proud that we come out stronger because of them.

cu97tiger · March 2015

I was very careful to not get so caught up in wedding planning that I ignored our relationship. During the eight months that we were engaged, I never once had cold feet of any sort.

ETA: BUT... I can imagine women that are more focused on OMG getting engaged and not really thinking about the relationship would have a wake-up call once they were engaged and think 'oh crap, what have I done'

Blackbird230 · March 2015

I think that's kind of what the article was trying to say. Like women notice the things that bug them and they do become more serious because we start thinking it's something we have to live with forever now.

cu97tiger · March 2015

Blackbird230 said:
I think that's kind of what the article was trying to say. Like women notice the things that bug them and they do become more serious because we start thinking it's something we have to live with forever now.

That doesn't seem like a 'commitment issue' though. The person is willing to commit to someone, but if they determine that they cannot live with a certain behavior/problem, I think that's different.

Hummingbird125 · March 2015

@Blackbird230 - Nope, I've never had "cold feet" and I my engagement is almost over. I will agree with KeptInStitches that the few times we've had a disagreement, it has felt "bigger", and it seemed even more important to resolve that issue.

Regardless, FI and I were both committed to each other long before getting engaged.

MsSparky · March 2015

Not engaged yet, so no cold feet yet. BF and I are just now at a point where we're discussing the future, and talking timelines, and we're very much on the same page. I think if you're with the right partner, cold feet wouldn't be an issue. Agree with PP who said each disagreement probably feels "bigger" once you're engaged. I'm actually watching a friend of mine go through that right now.

lilacck28 · March 2015

FI and I knew early on that we were heading towards marriage. I have had flashes of semi-cold feet... but they've been less like "omg, do you really love him? do you really want to marry him?" and more like "was this supposed to feel more monumental? was this supposed to be harder?" because it's just been so... easy. A very natural progression. It never really felt like a DECISION, just... yep, we're still good, now we're getting engaged.

We haven't really had bigger arguments since engagement either. We're actually kind of weird. We bicker a little occasionally, but that's it. Usually it's over me wanting to go over things tons of times because I'm neurotic (whether that means being SUPER anal about disinfecting, or smelling a bunch of shampoos at the store), and he doesn't want to. And they're over very quickly.

Those "flashes" of cold feet happened more in the first 6 months of engagement though. Now I just feel... really excited, and really sure (less than 3 months to go!). He's the best person I know, and I want my life to be with him. My real anxiety is more related to being financially secure... finding a job I actually like... being able to afford a house and kids eventually... I worry about letting him down.

I also think my semi-cold feet flashes in the beginning had more to do with the fact that I really haven't been with anyone besides FI, and sometimes I felt like "how did this happen? why was I so lucky that I haven't really had to struggle to find my person?" Most of the time I realize... I'm pretty closed off emotionally if I know something won't work, and that's why I was only able to be with him. I couldn't force it or put myself out there with guys when I knew there wasn't a future. FI is the only person I've met where I felt "yep. this could work."

untouchablets · March 2015

I'm not engaged yet but I've known I want to marry my BF very early in our relationship. like @MsSparky, we are just starting to get into talking timelines and future decisions together. It's been progressing naturally so there hasn't really been any moment where I've been like "maybe he isn't the one" or any other type of cold feet thoughts. In fact, I don't think I'd even be able to let him finish his sentence when the proposal does come. I do agree with others that fights and disagreements in the future will probably cause me to think more.

GoldenPenguin · March 2015

Swazzle said:
I knew very early on in my relationship that I wanted to marry H. We talked about it and were on the same page but we were also young and trying to get settled with work. There wasn't one time before or after I got engaged that I had doubts about marrying him.

Pretend I said this too.

nowittyusername · March 2015

I'm not engaged at the moment, but likely headed in that direction. With that said, I was married once before and I did have cold feet several times during the engagement. Most would say that in hind sight, I should probably agree that I should have taken the cold feet to heart. The thing is though, I got two beautiful babies out of the deal and they are my world!

Now with SO I feel completely differently than I ever did with my ex. I just FEEL it. I KNOW that he's the one for me.

I guess time will tell if that changes once engaged, but I would be very shocked to get cold feet.

audrewuh · March 2015

I will say that I did have cold feet about four months before we got married, 10 months into our engagement. I don't think it's typical of every woman, but I do think it happens.

AuroraRose41 · March 2015

I have only been engaged for a few months, but I haven't had any doubts about marrying FI, and hopefully I won't. Getting engaged didn't feel much different as we were already living together and acting as a unit in certain situations. FI and I knew for a while that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and worked through a lot of arguments prior to getting engaged. Of course we still argue, but we both want to work through it and come to an agreement because we know we want to be together.

morphemes · March 2015

I'm not engaged yet, but I have no doubts that BF is the man I want to marry. We don't have a specific timeline yet, we just know we want to wait to get engaged until after I'm done with law school.

phira · March 2015

I didn't ever feel any panic about committing when everything was fine, but when J and I fought during our engagement, it really did feel like, "Holy shit, can I do this for the rest of my life?" So, not a general fear of commitment, but definitely a point where I did second guess myself.

So far, I'm happy with the decision, and we've both managed conflicts a lot better since we started couple's therapy.

Dignity100 · March 2015

I question the type of wedding we were having and even wanted to change the number of guests from 10 to 4 or even cancel our DW and have a local wedding; but I didn't want to run away or anything.

BreMR · March 2015

I have oddly found myself more infatuated with my fi, like I find myself just getting giddy that one day he will be my HUSBAND. Everyone told me that a ring wouldn't change anything, but it did for me. I felt like it was a shift in the seriousness of our relationship, which is odd since we had been together 12 years.. it really shouldn't have felt any more serious.

Commitment issues with women?

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