What to do about gifts when plans are delayed (NWR)

Re: What to do about gifts when plans are delayed (NWR)

• RebeccaFlower member

  

  March 2015

  What kind of gifts did she get? In my circle, housewarming is wine and the occasional candle. Those things I would never expect back. If this was a bridal shower substitute, I'm side eyeing it hard and think if they don't move in together in the next 6 weeks, they need to return gifts. 

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• jacques27 member

  

  March 2015 edited March 2015

  The warming of the house is when you actually have a house to warm and have moved in - you don't do it in anticipation of moving into a house (on a broader scale, you wouldn't throw a housewarming party because you put an offer on the house, because so many things could happen to prevent the closing from going through). 

  I've also never heard of a housewarming "shower" since a shower is typically thrown by someone else for you.  I've heard of a housewarming party and typically those are hosted by the home owners/renters within a month or two of moving in.  The gifts are small decorative items for the home or things similar to a hostess gift (picture frame, vase, candles, maybe wine, flowers, or food if you can't think of a decorative item). 

  So yeah, the answer might depend on what type of gifts were given at this "shower".  Consumable items?  I wouldn't expect returned.  But anything else, if they don't get the situation resolved very shortly (I would say 4-8 weeks maximum) I would think they should return the items to the gift giver, similar to a broken engagement since the thing the precipitated the gift giving didn't occur (especially since this never really should have taken place in anticipation of moving in the first place and definitely not before finalizing the legal aspects like adding her to the lease).

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• MobKaz member

  

  March 2015

  melbenso said:

  My best friend has a housewarming shower this past weekend. She was supposed to move in with her boyfriend today. (Both have been married before and don't want to get married again, but were very young when they did so and didn't have good house stuff, so housewarming shower instead of wedding shower.) When she went to move in - which had been cleared with one half of the couple that owns the house boyfriend rents - the other half of the landlord couple came out and said she couldn't move in. Big drama. Tears.
  
  Anyway, they talked about it and decided to look for a new place to rent together. But that is going to take a bit of time to find and get set up. So her question was, what to do with the housewarming gifts. My thought was that since they still plan to move in together and it is just delayed a bit, they don't need to return the gifts, just don't use them yet in case things do fall through for some other reason and they did have to return them. Am I right in that? And should they mention the bump in the road in their thank you notes or wait and just explain it to anyone who asks?

  Who is this landlord?  If the boyfriend holds a lease, how is it possible that a landlord can ban someone from moving in with him? 
  
  Did this couple throw their own shower under the guise of a housewarming party?  Before they actually were in a home together?  This situation sounds shady and tacky.  It also does not sound as if we are getting the full story. 
  

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• redoryx member

  

  March 2015

  MobKaz said:

  My best friend has a housewarming shower this past weekend. She was supposed to move in with her boyfriend today. (Both have been married before and don't want to get married again, but were very young when they did so and didn't have good house stuff, so housewarming shower instead of wedding shower.) When she went to move in - which had been cleared with one half of the couple that owns the house boyfriend rents - the other half of the landlord couple came out and said she couldn't move in. Big drama. Tears.
  
  Anyway, they talked about it and decided to look for a new place to rent together. But that is going to take a bit of time to find and get set up. So her question was, what to do with the housewarming gifts. My thought was that since they still plan to move in together and it is just delayed a bit, they don't need to return the gifts, just don't use them yet in case things do fall through for some other reason and they did have to return them. Am I right in that? And should they mention the bump in the road in their thank you notes or wait and just explain it to anyone who asks?

  
  
  Who is this landlord?  If the boyfriend holds a lease, how is it possible that a landlord can ban someone from moving in with him? 
  
  Did this couple throw their own shower under the guise of a housewarming party?  Before they actually were in a home together?  This situation sounds shady and tacky.  It also does not sound as if we are getting the full story. 
  
  
  It might depend on the terms of the lease. It's possible they want the girlfriend to apply and sign a lease before letting her move in. When I've had roommates we all had our separate lease and contract with the rental company.

  

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• MobKaz member

  

  March 2015

  redoryx said:

  MobKaz said:

  My best friend has a housewarming shower this past weekend. She was supposed to move in with her boyfriend today. (Both have been married before and don't want to get married again, but were very young when they did so and didn't have good house stuff, so housewarming shower instead of wedding shower.) When she went to move in - which had been cleared with one half of the couple that owns the house boyfriend rents - the other half of the landlord couple came out and said she couldn't move in. Big drama. Tears.
  
  Anyway, they talked about it and decided to look for a new place to rent together. But that is going to take a bit of time to find and get set up. So her question was, what to do with the housewarming gifts. My thought was that since they still plan to move in together and it is just delayed a bit, they don't need to return the gifts, just don't use them yet in case things do fall through for some other reason and they did have to return them. Am I right in that? And should they mention the bump in the road in their thank you notes or wait and just explain it to anyone who asks?

  
  
  Who is this landlord?  If the boyfriend holds a lease, how is it possible that a landlord can ban someone from moving in with him? 
  
  Did this couple throw their own shower under the guise of a housewarming party?  Before they actually were in a home together?  This situation sounds shady and tacky.  It also does not sound as if we are getting the full story. 
  

  It might depend on the terms of the lease. It's possible they want the girlfriend to apply and sign a lease before letting her move in. When I've had roommates we all had our separate lease and contract with the rental company.
  
  I understand and agree.  However, based on what the OP said, it smacked more of a personal issue than a lease issue.  I just have a feeling there is more to this story.
  

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• melbenso member

  

  March 2015 edited March 2015

  Regarding the "housewarming shower."  Yes, it wasn't exactly a normal housewarming party.  And the lack of etiquette on some of it (as it was before they moved in and they threw themselves more of a shower than a party) bugged me a little, but I let it go because she is my best friend and was really excited about this.  But it was properly hosted otherwise, a small catered event. They did register (since they never plan to get married, this is the only time they will register for gifts) and got registry gifts.  Dishes and silverware, stuff like that.  Nothing fancy or terribly expensive, just every day use stuff.  But stuff they needed as his 10 years a bachelor stuff was not in good shape and she moved back in with her parents after her divorce because money was tight so she didn't have much herself.
  
  Regarding the lease issue, boyfriend has rented this place for 8 years.  His written lease expired years ago and he has been month to month for a while.  It's owned by a married couple.  Husband okayed her moving in several months ago, but apparently never mentioned it to wife.  Wife vetoed it as she was moving her things into the house.  Which sucks completely.  But is something the landlords are allowed to do.  Wife apparently was concerned because they have had bad tenants move in before when joining someone else who already lived there and husband hadn't run a background check on my friend or anything. (I practice landlord tenant law in this state.  So I do have some expertise here.)  It's completely crappy.  But it happens.
  
  They are looking for a place to rent together and started looking the same day they found out that she couldn't move in.  They could find something by this weekend and move in almost immediately, or it could take a couple of months.  (Friend has a teenage son, so they need to find a place in the same school district so he doesn't have to change schools).  But they do still have every intention of moving in together as soon as possible.
  
  And please don't call my friend shady or tacky.  She is neither.  She isn't entirely schooled in the etiquette of these things, which is why she asked me if she should return the gifts to the people who gave them.  She is trying to do right by her guests. She is pretty heart broken about this whole situation and just trying to do what is right.
  
  ETA - I told her that I did not expect her to return the gifts I gave her and she should just keep them for when they do move in together.
  

  

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• redoryx member

  

  March 2015 edited March 2015

  melbenso said:Regarding the "housewarming shower."  Yes, it wasn't exactly a normal housewarming party.  And the lack of etiquette on some of it (as it was before they moved in and they threw themselves more of a shower than a party) bugged me a little, but I let it go because she is my best friend and was really excited about this.  But it was properly hosted otherwise, a small catered event. They did register (since they never plan to get married, this is the only time they will register for gifts) and got registry gifts.  Dishes and silverware, stuff like that.  Nothing fancy or terribly expensive, just every day use stuff.  But stuff they needed as his 10 years a bachelor stuff was not in good shape and she moved back in with her parents after her divorce because money was tight so she didn't have much herself.
  
  Regarding the lease issue, boyfriend has rented this place for 8 years.  His written lease expired years ago and he has been month to month for a while.  It's owned by a married couple.  Husband okayed her moving in several months ago, but apparently never mentioned it to wife.  Wife vetoed it as she was moving her things into the house.  Which sucks completely.  But is something the landlords are allowed to do.  Wife apparently was concerned because they have had bad tenants move in before when joining someone else who already lived there and husband hadn't run a background check on my friend or anything. (I practice landlord tenant law in this state.  So I do have some expertise here.)  It's completely crappy.  But it happens.
  
  They are looking for a place to rent together and started looking the same day they found out that she couldn't move in.  They could find something by this weekend and move in almost immediately, or it could take a couple of months.  (Friend has a teenage son, so they need to find a place in the same school district so he doesn't have to change schools).  But they do still have every intention of moving in together as soon as possible.
  
  And please don't call my friend shady or tacky.  She is neither.  She isn't entirely schooled in the etiquette of these things, which is why she asked me if she should return the gifts to the people who gave them.  She is trying to do right by her guests. She is pretty heart broken about this whole situation and just trying to do what is right.
  
  ETA - I told her that I did not expect her to return the gifts I gave her and she should just keep them for when they do move in together.
  **boxesboxesboxes***

  
  

  
  

  Maybe I'm the only one, but not gonna lie: I'm kind of side-eyeing this. I get it, they aren't getting married, they won't get to register for gifts. But gifts should never be expected, even at a wedding and while people often bring gifts to a housewarming type party, to take it a step more and actually register for gifts? When I needed new dishes and silverware I saved up and bought them myself. That's just sort of how being an adult works. 

  

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• lovegood90 member

  

  March 2015

  Yes, I think she should return the gifts.

  Formerly martha1818

  

  
  

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• melbenso member

  

  March 2015

  I agree regarding the side-eye of the housewarming shower.  Like I said, it bugged me.  But I let it go.  And what's done is done. 
  

  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  March 2015

  I have a housewarming registry out there that I started when we started shopping for a house.  But it's not live, you need a password to access it, and nobody knows about it.  I have my personal amazon wishlist for things that I want to receive as gifts, but I mostly only get things from that at Christmas or if I buy them for myself.  I think a housewarming shower is a very strange idea, and I would never in a million years have one or attend one.  But I don't think your friend needs to return the gifts if she is actively searching for a place to move to.  I definitely believe she had this party way too early, but the event was postponed, not cancelled, so she can keep the gifts.

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• LtPowers member

  

  March 2015

  melbenso said:

  Regarding the lease issue, boyfriend has rented this place for 8 years.  His written lease expired years ago and he has been month to month for a while.  It's owned by a married couple.  Husband okayed her moving in several months ago, but apparently never mentioned it to wife.  Wife vetoed it as she was moving her things into the house.  Which sucks completely.  But is something the landlords are allowed to do.  Wife apparently was concerned because they have had bad tenants move in before when joining someone else who already lived there and husband hadn't run a background check on my friend or anything. (I practice landlord tenant law in this state.  So I do have some expertise here.)  It's completely crappy.  But it happens.

  Obviously I must defer to your expertise here. But my understanding was that tenant law allowed the leasing tenant to add a single adult and that adult's minor children to the household without needing prior approval from the landlord. Perhaps it varies state to state?

  
  

  
  

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• MobKaz member

  

  March 2015

  melbenso said:

  Regarding the "housewarming shower."  Yes, it wasn't exactly a normal housewarming party.  And the lack of etiquette on some of it (as it was before they moved in and they threw themselves more of a shower than a party) bugged me a little, but I let it go because she is my best friend and was really excited about this.  But it was properly hosted otherwise, a small catered event. They did register (since they never plan to get married, this is the only time they will register for gifts) and got registry gifts.  Dishes and silverware, stuff like that.  Nothing fancy or terribly expensive, just every day use stuff.  But stuff they needed as his 10 years a bachelor stuff was not in good shape and she moved back in with her parents after her divorce because money was tight so she didn't have much herself.
  
  Regarding the lease issue, boyfriend has rented this place for 8 years.  His written lease expired years ago and he has been month to month for a while.  It's owned by a married couple.  Husband okayed her moving in several months ago, but apparently never mentioned it to wife.  Wife vetoed it as she was moving her things into the house.  Which sucks completely.  But is something the landlords are allowed to do.  Wife apparently was concerned because they have had bad tenants move in before when joining someone else who already lived there and husband hadn't run a background check on my friend or anything. (I practice landlord tenant law in this state.  So I do have some expertise here.)  It's completely crappy.  But it happens.
  
  They are looking for a place to rent together and started looking the same day they found out that she couldn't move in.  They could find something by this weekend and move in almost immediately, or it could take a couple of months.  (Friend has a teenage son, so they need to find a place in the same school district so he doesn't have to change schools).  But they do still have every intention of moving in together as soon as possible.
  
  And please don't call my friend shady or tacky.  She is neither.  She isn't entirely schooled in the etiquette of these things, which is why she asked me if she should return the gifts to the people who gave them.  She is trying to do right by her guests. She is pretty heart broken about this whole situation and just trying to do what is right.
  
  ETA - I told her that I did not expect her to return the gifts I gave her and she should just keep them for when they do move in together.
  

  
  
  Please read carefully. I did not call your friend shady. I said the SITUATION was shady. I was referring, albeit not clearly enough, to the landlord and the sudden change in heart to allow your friend to move in. It felt personal to me, as if the landlord did not approve of an unmarried couple living together. My apologies for not making that clearer. However, I will stand by tacky. It is rude to host your own shower, of any kind, but particularly a "made up" event just because you need some new and/or better household items.
  
  
  
  

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• indianaalum member

  

  March 2015

  Dumb question but where was party held?

  
  

  If I am going to attend a housewarming party, I would want to see the house. Why would someone host a party PRIOR to moving into the house??

  
  

  oh, and someone should never host their own shower

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