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A candidate for overthinkers anonymous.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
Just over 10 years ago, I started dating the woman who would become my wife. After two months, she accidentally got pregnant. At that time, I was very scared of fatherhood, and didn’t even know if she and I were ready to commit. I suggested that she should get an abortion. She wanted the baby, with or without me. So, we decided to get married and dive into having a family. We are happily married and have another child. I love my kids more than life itself, and knocking up my future wife is the best mistake I ever made. But now I live with the knowledge that I had once suggested aborting a fetus who became someone I love and cherish and with whom I want to be honest and authentic. It seems crazy to tell my child that I had suggested he not be brought into this world, but I also find it difficult to live with what has become a burdensome secret. Should I explain to my child what happened and how happy I am his mother didn’t listen to me? I worry that when he’s older he might ask about the timing of our marriage and his birth, and start asking probing questions.

—The Big Reveal?

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Re: A candidate for overthinkers anonymous.

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    Older sister was created prior to my parent's marriage.  Mom was 4mos along when she and my dad got married.  We've always known it.  I know that abortion was mentioned and quickly discarded.  I don't think it's had a devastating mental effect on anyone to know it was considered. 

    This guy needs to relax.  Stop overthinking your happiness and don't let a passing thought from 10 YEARS AGO ruin it. 

    Also, this letter is why abortion needs to be destigmatized. 
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    I want to know what benefit he thinks this will have on the child?  If the child asks have a nice answer ready, but if he just wants to unload this secret, see a therapist.

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  • auntflo2point0auntflo2point0 member
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    I have a friend who is 25, and about 6 months ago, her mother decided to spill her guts about not wanting friend (she's the youngest of 3) at all and considered abortion.  WTF.  WTELMF.  I think dude needs to get over it and never think of it again.
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
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    It amazes.me that this is even a convo that needs to be had.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    i can't imagine this going over well with the kid. 
    I can also imagine the dad randomly spilling the beans at some point - particularly if the kid ends up being an asshole teen. "I wish I could have aborted you when I had the chance, but your mom wouldn't let me! See, [Wife] you should have listened to me."
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
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    6fsn said:

    I want to know what benefit he thinks this will have on the child?  If the child asks have a nice answer ready, but if he just wants to unload this secret, see a therapist.

    That was my thought.  Why on earth would you need to bring this up?  Y'all know I'm pro-choice, but they made their choice, they're happy with it, obviously quite a bit of time has passed, so STFU.  Not everything needs to be discussed and dissected to death.
    �
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  • MNNEBrideMNNEBride member
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    NOLABridesmaid said:

    It amazes.me that this is even a convo that needs to be had.

    This isn't a convo that needs to happen.  Since he wants to be honest and authentic, he could just say "you weren't planned and at the time it was difficult, but I can imagine life without you."
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    I don't think he needs to tell his kid *NOW*, but if the kid eventually asks I think being honest in the fact that he wasn't married to his mom when he was conceived and that he was unsure of what he was getting into and/or if he wanted to be a father would be a good thing.  Not, "I told your mom to abort," but "Yeah, buddy, I wasn't so sure...But you are the best thing that ever happened to me and your mom."  

    He shouldn't feel guilty for thinking of ALL the options before proceeding with something that turned out wonderful for him.  That doesn't always happen when a pregnancy is unplanned with someone you're not married to (and sometimes when you are married). 
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  • tawillerstawillers member
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    6fsn said:

    I want to know what benefit he thinks this will have on the child?  If the child asks have a nice answer ready, but if he just wants to unload this secret, see a therapist.

    Yep.

    This is a completely selfish thing.  The dad wants to feel better.  This is not to help his son in any way.  He needs a therapist.
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  • JennyColadaJennyColada member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I don't understand why one would feel that any other considered option in life is such a burden.

    I mean, I considered not going on the first date with DH.
    I considered shaving my head.
    I also considered moving to another continent.

    Are these all topics that I need to discuss with DH or my future children? Not necessarily. There are plenty of options that we weigh in life, and only one choice that we can make. We don't need to outline every single other option in life that we did not take, nor do we need to feel guilty about not doing so.
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  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
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    My parents were married when I was conceived but I know they still got pregnant earlier then they planned. My mom has told me when she found out she was pregnant with me she went to visit my dad at work and tell him there so he couldn't get too mad and she could just leave.

    I feel like I was young (10?) when she told me that and in the way she said it I wasn't upset. It didn't come across as mean or anything against my dad but maybe more of a lesson of how things happen and work out for the best. And the main reason it didn't bother me was because I KNEW how much my dad absolutely loved/loves me.

    But now as a married woman thinking of starting a family soon, I want DH 100% on board and looking forward to the joy we will share when we find out together! So I do find my mom's whole story more sad now then I did before. I wasn't upset from the child point of view, but now as an adult.

    The kids will obv figure out the timing when they are older and the parents should just own it. As long as they have a loving relationship with their kids then I can't imagine this news upsetting the kid, specially once he is an adult and knows life can be complicated.
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
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    Would it make a difference if abortion wasn't stigmatized?  I can't figure out if the father is so upset that he (gasp) actually thought about aborting his future child, or that the child wasn't wanted.  Lots of kids were "oops".  LOTS of kids.  I don't know that many parents who feel compelled to say that they didn't actually want the child at the time. 

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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
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    i'm guessing hallmark doesn't have this category, so dad would have to go with one of those "blank inside" cards. 
    image
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