BMs who cancel 1-2 days before B-Party, how do I handle?

mjk5415 · March 2015

Ok, first off I'm the bride and I have tried to make my wedding as least costly to my BMs as possible. I asked them to wear a LBD and black shoes (hoping most of them wouldn't have to buy either) and they can do whatever witht their hair, makeup and nails. I didn't have a B-shower because I didn't want one, DF and I already live together. All I asked for was a nice B-party, nothing to crazy or expensive, just maybe dinner and a dualing paino bar. Anyways, my B-party was this past Saturday.

My MOH & SIL had planned it based on suggestions from me and contacted all of the BMs to make sure they were ok with contributing. ALL said yes! The day of my B-party, I meet my MOH & SIL for breakfast and am told that 2 of the BMs cancelled 1-2 days before the B-party and that they were no longer contributing $$ either. My MOH and SIL were pissed to say the least, they had 1 day to find new transportation since they could no longer afford the small party bus they had booked and didn't want to ask others attending to chip in more $. Neither BM1 or BM2 called or text me to let me know they wouldn't be attending btw...

BM 1 excuse- she lives 30-40 mins from where we were meeting to get on the bus and said she didn't want to drive home at 3am (she could've stayed at my house - she's my couisn FYI) and she's in another wedding this year and didn't have the $ to attend my B-party. BUT she bought 3 possible LBDs to wear for my wedding and has yet to decide which she's wearing and is talking about keeping ALL.

BM 2 excuse - already owned an LBD that I said was fine but went out and bought another one anyways. I believe $ her issue but I can honestly not remember, I'm just so upset with both girls.

If $ was the issue they should've said so in the beginning when asked about the B-party and contributing. My MOH and SIL would've planned accordingly. We all were andgry and expected them to still contribute since they agreed to it in the beginning and cancelled last minute, are we wrong in doing so?

I am ready to kick them both out of the wedding, the only time I hear from either of them is when they have a question about what they need to wear on the day of the wedding or just bought something to wear to the wedding. Neither have asked if I need asstance in prepping anything, both live 30-40 mins away so I am not expecitng them to help with much. But it's the thought that counts. Am I wrong for wanting to ask them to not be in the wedding thats 2 weeks away? I am worried that they will flake a few days before the wedding... This is putting so much more stress on me than I need right now, I'm already stressed enough!!!

mikenberger · March 2015

mjk5415 said:
Ok, first off I'm the bride and I have tried to make my wedding as least costly to my BMs as possible. I asked them to wear a LBD and black shoes (hoping most of them wouldn't have to buy either) and they can do whatever witht their hair, makeup and nails. I didn't have a B-shower because I didn't want one, DF and I already live together. All I asked for was a nice B-party, nothing to crazy or expensive, just maybe dinner and a dualing paino bar. Anyways, my B-party was this past Saturday.
My MOH & SIL had planned it based on suggestions from me and contacted all of the BMs to make sure they were ok with contributing. ALL said yes! The day of my B-party, I meet my MOH & SIL for breakfast and am told that 2 of the BMs cancelled 1-2 days before the B-party and that they were no longer contributing $$ either. My MOH and SIL were pissed to say the least, they had 1 day to find new transportation since they could no longer afford the small party bus they had booked and didn't want to ask others attending to chip in more $. Neither BM1 or BM2 called or text me to let me know they wouldn't be attending btw...
BM 1 excuse- she lives 30-40 mins from where we were meeting to get on the bus and said she didn't want to drive home at 3am (she could've stayed at my house - she's my couisn FYI) and she's in another wedding this year and didn't have the $ to attend my B-party. BUT she bought 3 possible LBDs to wear for my wedding and has yet to decide which she's wearing and is talking about keeping ALL.
BM 2 excuse - already owned an LBD that I said was fine but went out and bought another one anyways. I believe $ her issue but I can honestly not remember, I'm just so upset with both girls.
If $ was the issue they should've said so in the beginning when asked about the B-party and contributing. My MOH and SIL would've planned accordingly. We all were andgry and expected them to still contribute since they agreed to it in the beginning and cancelled last minute, are we wrong in doing so?
I am ready to kick them both out of the wedding, the only time I hear from either of them is when they have a question about what they need to wear on the day of the wedding or just bought something to wear to the wedding. Neither have asked if I need asstance in prepping anything, both live 30-40 mins away so I am not expecitng them to help with much. But it's the thought that counts. Am I wrong for wanting to ask them to not be in the wedding thats 2 weeks away? I am worried that they will flake a few days before the wedding... This is putting so much more stress on me than I need right now, I'm already stressed enough!!!

First things first: Do not kick them out of the wedding. As bridesmaids their only jobs are to show up, in an attire you've selected, sober and smiling. They have nothing beyond that in helping you DIY etc. If they don't show up the day of the wedding, they've put themselves out of the wedding ergo, no longer your problem. But short of sleeping with or murdering you or your beloved, kicking them out of your wedding is a friendship ending offense. Think long and hard about that one.

Now, as for ditching out at the last minute, some people just suck. For whatever reason, they have no forethought into situations and chances are, if they had thought about it (if they were having money issues) and looked into their budget, they would've known that the bachelorette party was beyond their cash flow. Personally, I wouldn't get involved. This is a situation that has NOTHING. TO. DO. WITH. YOU. If your MOH/SIL want to express their displeasure with these bridesmaids themselves, by all means, go right on ahead. I assume that everybody is adults and should be treated as such. Which means, no meddling from you. I totally agree though: That's SUPER rude what they did. But alas, there's little you can do about it. And kicking them out of the wedding is not an option.

mjk5415 · March 2015

@mikenberger - PEOPLE DO SUCK! LOL I am not getting involved my MOH & SIL are more than capable of voicing their opinions and have. I do feel that I need to express to BM1 & BM2 how hurt I am that they couldn't even let me know that they weren't coming, would that be ok? I had to text them and ask them about it... I'd also prefer to know in advance if they will not be at the wedding as I will have to rearrange things etc and I'd rather not be forced to pay for 2-4 guests that aren't attending. Costs do add up.

mikenberger · March 2015

mjk5415 said:
@mikenberger - PEOPLE DO SUCK! LOL I am not getting involved my MOH & SIL are more than capable of voicing their opinions and have. I do feel that I need to express to BM1 & BM2 how hurt I am that they couldn't even let me know that they weren't coming, would that be ok? I had to text them and ask them about it... I'd also prefer to know in advance if they will not be at the wedding as I will have to rearrange things etc and I'd rather not be forced to pay for 2-4 guests that aren't attending. Costs do add up.

I would say to them "Hey, missed you at my bachelorette! What happened? Thought you were coming!" as a friend; not a bride.

And you need to act under the impression that they will be at your wedding and reception. They're in your bridal party, they're important people that you've chosen to honor with standing beside you on your most important day. I know sometimes we want to plan for the worst but asking your nearest and dearest "Hey, just BTW, are you coming to the wedding still?" Can be really off putting. It can kind of come across as "If you're not coming, that's cool. I don't care either way. I just want to know so I don't have to pay for you or save you a seat." It can come off really nonchalant. Allow these people to fail on showing up for your wedding. If they fail, then you know what you should do with your relationship with them.

climbingsingle · March 2015

How dare they! I think you should murder both of them.

Kicking someone out of your wedding is a friendship ending move. Do you really want to end two relationships because they couldn't attend your bachelorette party? Really?

mjk5415 · March 2015

@climbingwife - I don't want to kick them out due to them not showing at the B-party. Although, they could have atleast been considerate enough since they are BMs to let me know that they wouldn't be attending.

I started this post because I more-so just wanted to vent to other brides, get their opinions and try not to make any quick decisions since I 'm upset.

mikenberger · March 2015

mjk5415 said:
@climbingwife - I don't want to kick them out due to them not showing at the B-party. Although, they could have atleast been considerate enough since they are BMs to let me know that they wouldn't be attending.
I started this post because I more-so just wanted to vent to other brides, get their opinions and try not to make any quick decisions since I 'm upset.

I totally agree that if they had committed themselves and their wallet that they should've informed the other BMs they would not be in attendance. That was poor form on their behalf.

climbingsingle · March 2015

mjk5415 said:
Ok, first off I'm the bride and I have tried to make my wedding as least costly to my BMs as possible. I asked them to wear a LBD and black shoes (hoping most of them wouldn't have to buy either) and they can do whatever witht their hair, makeup and nails. I didn't have a B-shower because I didn't want one, DF and I already live together. All I asked for was a nice B-party, nothing to crazy or expensive, just maybe dinner and a dualing paino bar. Anyways, my B-party was this past Saturday.
My MOH & SIL had planned it based on suggestions from me and contacted all of the BMs to make sure they were ok with contributing. ALL said yes! The day of my B-party, I meet my MOH & SIL for breakfast and am told that 2 of the BMs cancelled 1-2 days before the B-party and that they were no longer contributing $$ either. My MOH and SIL were pissed to say the least, they had 1 day to find new transportation since they could no longer afford the small party bus they had booked and didn't want to ask others attending to chip in more $. Neither BM1 or BM2 called or text me to let me know they wouldn't be attending btw...
BM 1 excuse- she lives 30-40 mins from where we were meeting to get on the bus and said she didn't want to drive home at 3am (she could've stayed at my house - she's my couisn FYI) and she's in another wedding this year and didn't have the $ to attend my B-party. BUT she bought 3 possible LBDs to wear for my wedding and has yet to decide which she's wearing and is talking about keeping ALL.
BM 2 excuse - already owned an LBD that I said was fine but went out and bought another one anyways. I believe $ her issue but I can honestly not remember, I'm just so upset with both girls.
If $ was the issue they should've said so in the beginning when asked about the B-party and contributing. My MOH and SIL would've planned accordingly. We all were andgry and expected them to still contribute since they agreed to it in the beginning and cancelled last minute, are we wrong in doing so?
I am ready to kick them both out of the wedding, the only time I hear from either of them is when they have a question about what they need to wear on the day of the wedding or just bought something to wear to the wedding. Neither have asked if I need asstance in prepping anything, both live 30-40 mins away so I am not expecitng them to help with much. But it's the thought that counts. Am I wrong for wanting to ask them to not be in the wedding thats 2 weeks away? I am worried that they will flake a few days before the wedding... This is putting so much more stress on me than I need right now, I'm already stressed enough!!!

I responded to the bolded part of your post.

Again, removing people from your wedding party is a friendship ending move. IMO, you're being petty. They don't need to be calling you asking if you need assistance. That's what your FI is for. So what if they flake days before the wedding? All they need to do is show up on the day of, in their dresses.

jacques27 · March 2015

Honestly, it sounds like they were voluntold.

You told people you wanted a bachelorette party and exactly what you wanted. Then they got together to plan it. It should have been the other way around. They should have been OFFERING to throw you one and if they didn't offer, then oh well, you don't get one.

Even if they said "ok" to contributing before, how was it presented to them? Was it "She wants a bachelorette. This is what we're doing and it's going to be X dollars. Cool?" Or was it "Hey, do you want to co-host a bachelorette party with us? What's your budget?" The first one is very coercive and hard to gracefully decline because you don't want to look like a cheapskate or a party pooper and gives them no say in the cost beyond yes or no. The latter is more open ended and inclusive, giving them a part in the planning and budgeting process and an easier way to decline if they didn't want to plan it.

You don't get to decide how other people spend their money and you shouldn't book expensive modes of transportation unless you're willing to cover the cost yourself. I'm sure many people would be ok driving themselves to dinner and a piano bar so they can leave when they want instead of being at the whim of the group. And so what if the one bought three LBD's? If that's where she prioritizes her money that's perfectly fine. LBDs are useful to have in one's wardrobe for more occasions than the one day that is your wedding. And you knew the other one was having financial difficulties.

I get that it was crappy of them to drop out of an ENTIRELY OPTIONAL party with only a couple of days notice instead of bringing up money to begin with. But money is a sensitive topic. And it honestly sounds like they were told rather than asked. Even if ended with a question mark, that doesn't mean it was actually a question to them...everything was planned and they didn't ask for their budget. That was a crappy way to present it to them. So you have crappy behavior on all sides of this culminating in what you've got now. Let it go and move on and do not kick them out of the bridal party. They canceled on an optional party. Is that worth ruining a friendship over or making family get-togethers and your other family members uncomfortable?

mjk5415 · March 2015

jacques27 - I did not ask for a b-shower or B-party. I was asked if I wanted to have either. I know my MOH and I know that she is on a budget, so I know noone was Voluntold. My opinions on what I wanted to do were suggestions, I was fine with whatever they had planned. It could've been a bonfire for all I cared.

I did not know that BM2 was having financial issues or if she even is, she didn't contact me to tell me. I told all BMs that if they had a LBD they could wear it, I just wanted to see it before-hand. She said she had one, it was oked then she changed her mind and bought one among other things she wanted to wear the day of. I don't want to delegate how people spend their money which is why I didn't go with BM dresses and all the other things that they could possibly have to pay for.

Every decision I made kept all of my budgeted bridesmaids in mind, as I am a budgeted bride.

If the roles were reversed I'd have handled it differently than both of the girls, but then again we're all different people.

Maggie0829 · March 2015

Seriously though, let it go.

Yeah it sucks that they cancelled 2 days before the bach party, but what is done is done. And if they both flake the day of your wedding the on the fuck well. You will still get married and have a fabulous wedding and when it is over then you can decide if you want to slowly back away from those friendships or try to make them work. Getting yourself all worked up over something that is done and over with is kind of pointless. You can't control other people.

MyNameIsNot · March 2015

Your OP specifically says that you asked for a B party and told them what you wanted. Then it says that MOH/SIL planned the party and gave the budget numbers to these girls.

It truly sounds like neither of these two were comfortable with the price of the b-party, but neither one of them felt comfortable saying no. That's not uncommon, and that's why it was so wrong of your MOH/SIL to do it this way. When the girls can't say no, they agree and avoid the issue, until it gets to the day of and they are forced to either spend money they don't have or finally step up and back out. Then they look like the bad guy because they are backing out at the last minute.

Yes, it sucks that they backed out at the last minute and that they didn't tell you personally. But it's obvious that it is about money. Anyone would be embarrassed to have to tell a friend that she can't afford her party. This is certainly not worth ending a friendship over, and not worth holding a grudge. Be a friend and reach out to them and get past this. And unless you intend to invoice them for attending the wedding, you have no reason to expect that they'd bail on that at the last minute.

lyndausvi · March 2015

Go ahead, kick those bitches out for not attending a b-party. I'm sure kicking your own cousin isn't going to cause any family drama. No, not at all.

:rolls eyes:

I hear more and more of these type of stories. Personally I think it's BM's revolting over these types of parties. It's just becoming to much.

Anyway, it sucks they backed out, but it's happens. I can almost guarantee you will have last might cancellations or no shows the day of for the wedding. It goes with the territory.

In a prefect world they would have spoken up sooner, but they didn't. Maybe something came up financial? Maybe they were too embarrassed to tell you the real reason? Maybe they just don't like B-parties? I actually do not like b-parties. They are not fun to me. There is always drama and cost way too much money. Even after they claim it will not cost that much, I always end up spending more.

novella1186 · March 2015

It's absolutely none of your business how your BMs spend their money. You are not their bank. If they bought LBDs but didn't shell out for the bach party, so what? They have every right to spend their own money however they want.

I'm guessing they didn't tell you they couldn't make it to your party because they knew you'd blow up at them and they didn't want the conflict. And it's totally appropriate to just let the host know they couldn't attend, which is what they did.

I had a friend back out of my bach party at the last minute, and she didn't tell me. She told the person who was hosting. It threw off our plans and we ended up not being able to do what we wanted to do, but we still had a great time. I found out that the person who cancelled did so because she was extremely ill. I texted her to let her know I missed her and that I hoped she felt batter ASAP. It never even occurred to me to be mad that she had to change her plans.

The bridge ego is a funny thing to me. These girls are your friends, first and foremost. So act like a friend to them.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

SP29 · March 2015

It's crappy that they bailed 2 days before, but there really isn't much you can do about it. Shit happens- they could've cancelled for any reason, maybe a reason they don't want to share. I think initially I'd be upset that my friends didn't contact me, but when I think about it, it is most appropriate they told the host(s), and they probably didn't want to stress you out 2 days before.

DO NOT kick them out of the wedding. Their bailing on the B-party should have no relation to showing up for your wedding. Kicking them out is friendship ending. Do you want to give up your friends for a party?

Expect them to show up for the wedding. As they should, just like anyone else who has RSVP'd "yes". P.S. I know you're worried about "extra plates", but there is no way to control for that. Another guest may get sick, have a death in the family, work catastrophe, etc and not show up to your wedding. It happens. Sure, it sucks. My friends had a whole table of family members not show up. But at the end of the day, you've budgeted the money previously, so you can afford it, and you're married and that's all that matters.

Mind you, if these people do not show up for the wedding, well then you know what kind of friends you've got and they've done the "dirty" work for you. But I doubt this will happen.

Deep breath. Weddings are stressful, but don't go into this thinking your friends are trying to stab you in the back.

indianaalum · March 2015

I think everyone else have covered it, but I just wanted to mention that I do think it is way way less likely they would bail on the wedding, so try to relax on that part (I mean that in a nice way). I think people don't value bachelorette parties in the same way, so might find it just a "party" they skipped, wheeras they get the importance of a bridesmaid no showing...

mjk5415 · March 2015

Just to update -

Thank y'all for your answers, it's appreciated. I did not kick anyone out of my wedding, yes it was a very rash reaction. I was upset and stressed. Shoot my weddings next week and I'm a control freak LOL so I'm beyond stressed. But I did speak with everyone and it was agreed that it should've been handled differently on ALL parts.

BMs who cancel 1-2 days before B-Party, how do I handle?

Re: BMs who cancel 1-2 days before B-Party, how do I handle?

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