Sister drops a bomb

Futuremrshauger · March 2015

I was engaged in July and wedding is Oct 16th; we are coming from MN. My. Sister and I have not been technically close in years, but I did ask her to be in my wedding and she said yes. I thought maybe it would be a time we could grow closer. She was married last Feb. Yesterday she texted me that she is pregnant due Aug 15. Wow, was that a surprise. I suspected she may have been during the holidays as she was not drinking her usual wine, but she denied. We have requested a kid free wedding from the start and she has been supportive of that. She told me its up to me if I still want her coming with the baby and she planned to bring her MIL to watch the baby.

Sooooo many emotions after hearing this! Why agree to be in the wedding when you are actively trying to start a family. What if she were due in Oct? Isn't it a little soon as a first time mom to say for sure in 2 months she and baby will be ready to fly? What if she is overdue, there are complications? Does that mean I have to
pay for her MIL reception dinner? Part of me is feeling selfish that I don't want her new baby there; I didn't wants kids there from the beginning.

I get don't put off starting your family because of our wedding, but really.... Should she have just been up front from the beginning? Why leave it up to me to say she can or cannot come? That makes me look like an asshole if I say no as I know my family will be estatic. I feel she should take herself out as it's not a guarantee and it's added stress for me having to be worried about "what if." So freaking frustrated, sad, mad, grrrrr

Thanks the vent!

hmgiffor · March 2015

I hear ya on that! It's hard to be selfish during your wedding but it is YOUR wedding. I've been going through the same thing with a few people. I would just tell your sister how you feel.....plus if you aren't that close, maybe it won't be a big deal.

adverb · March 2015

I'm in a similar boat. My maid of honor just had a kid in February (I did know about this ahead of time). I told her that it was up to her if she wanted to come. Honestly I'd love her to come and not bring the kid, but that's not ideal. She told me "it depends on if she's crawling". Apparently newborns are VERY easy to travel with as long as they are not crawling, but once they do, it becomes harder to handle.

As for your sister.. I don't know. It really depends on how much bringing the relationship closer means to you. If you want to be accommodating, then yes, you should have her still be in the wedding and unfortunately pay for the MIL dinner too. You can offer for her to pay for the MIL dinner, but I imagine that won't go over well. Also, even if you give her the green light to go ahead and be in her wedding, there COULD be complications during her pregnancy and she might not make it afterall, which you also have to be prepared for.

vegasgroom · March 2015

Futuremrshauger said:
I was engaged in July and wedding is Oct 16th; we are coming from MN. My. Sister and I have not been technically close in years, but I did ask her to be in my wedding and she said yes. I thought maybe it would be a time we could grow closer. She was married last Feb. Yesterday she texted me that she is pregnant due Aug 15. Wow, was that a surprise. I suspected she may have been during the holidays as she was not drinking her usual wine, but she denied. We have requested a kid free wedding from the start and she has been supportive of that. She told me its up to me if I still want her coming with the baby and she planned to bring her MIL to watch the baby.

Sooooo many emotions after hearing this! Why agree to be in the wedding when you are actively trying to start a family. What if she were due in Oct? Isn't it a little soon as a first time mom to say for sure in 2 months she and baby will be ready to fly? What if she is overdue, there are complications? Does that mean I have to
pay for her MIL reception dinner? Part of me is feeling selfish that I don't want her new baby there; I didn't wants kids there from the beginning.

I get don't put off starting your family because of our wedding, but really.... Should she have just been up front from the beginning? Why leave it up to me to say she can or cannot come? That makes me look like an asshole if I say no as I know my family will be estatic. I feel she should take herself out as it's not a guarantee and it's added stress for me having to be worried about "what if." So freaking frustrated, sad, mad, grrrrr

Thanks the vent!

OP, your post makes no sense to me. On one hand, you say you want to
use your wedding as a way to reconcile what sounds like a difficult
relationship with your sister, and then on the other hand, you're
suspicious of whether she knew she was pregnant over the holidays like
it was some covert plan to ruin your wedding. She's already made
arrangements to ensure it will not be an issue, so I have no clue why
you're even upset to begin with.

That being the case; IF you want
to get closer with your sister, AND don't want kids at your wedding,
then not only does it sound like she's already solved your problem for
you, but I think you should do whatever you can to help her situation as
that will certainly help rebuild the relationship. If that means you
send her MIL room service the night of your wedding, then do it.

I get the no kids thing; I don't like kids at weddings and my own wedding
was adult only. I'm also a father, and would not bring my kid to
someone's wedding, I'd make arrangements. However, arrangements cost
money, and it sounds like your sister is going out of her way to be in
your wedding by planning to bring a third person to Vegas simply to
watch what will be a two month old. With her MIL there, she can be in
your wedding and attend your reception without her kid bothering anyone
so I fail to see the issue. That is a very nice thing for her to do,
the easy way out would have been to not attend at all and she didn't
take that option. If your desire is truly to get closer to her, it
seems like she's already put forth an olive branch and you're wanting to
slap it away for some reason.

vegasgroom · March 2015

adverb said:
I'm in a similar boat. My maid of honor just had a kid in February (I did know about this ahead of time). I told her that it was up to her if she wanted to come. Honestly I'd love her to come and not bring the kid, but that's not ideal. She told me "it depends on if she's crawling". Apparently newborns are VERY easy to travel with as long as they are not crawling, but once they do, it becomes harder to handle.

A kid of less than six, or even nine, months is incredibly easy to travel with. The only real complication she'd have is someone to watch the kid during the wedding/reception, and if she's breast feeding. Even then, if she has to duck out half way through the reception to feed or pump, it's like ten minutes gone and back. My wife and I probably flew with our kid 15 times before the first birthday, including cross country; it was easy. She's still breast feeding and we've managed to attend numerous events without issue. If your MOH doesn't think it will be an issue, then trust that it won't be.

jenni5672 · March 2015

Did she actually say she was bringing baby to the wedding and reception? Could bring baby and MIL can watch baby in hotel room.

Futuremrshauger · March 2015

I think I just need to sit on this for a while and give it some time to process as the emotions were displaced about it being about our wedding when if fact it goes deeper than that for me. I have expressed to her and have tried to grow closer for sometime now.

I was hoping her wedding was also going to be a time for us to reconnect, but it was anything except that. I felt excluded from everything from the beginning. She did ask me to be in it, which I was estatic about! I may have come on a little strong as she said I was being annoying with all the questions I asked. My room was used for getting ready. Day of the wedding she asked me to be the first to my H&M done at 8am. I was totally cool with that, but then her and the rest of the bridesmaids went out to breakfast. I thought getting ready was a time for us to bond and have some. I at least thought she would bring me back something to eat, but no. When they came back another stylist came and the girls started to all get ready. I asked if I could grab a bite to eat with a cousin quick and she said no, as the photographers were arriving soon for "get ready photos" when I said I had been ready, she told me to "act like you are then." I was also not included in any family photos and we didnt take one photo together. Even one her bridemaids said she was sorry for how my sister was acting. All in all, I was very hurt after, and once I got back to MN I didn't attempt to speak with her at all and it was 6 months before she called me. I expressed how felt, and apologized for not telling her this earlier but I am one who shuts down after failed attempts. Eventually, we just came to the conclusion we handle shit differently where I am the one who wants to talk about shit, and she would rather just forget any of it happened and to just move on. I don't operate like that.

When I asked her to be in my wedding, I wrote a 4 page letter expressing how I don't want us to keep growing apart and not being part of each other's lives. With the letter was the bridesmaids dress and a photo of use as little girls. She called; said yes and then asked if she had to wear the dress because it looked cheap. I made all the girls return their dresses because she did not like hers. I then had the girls pick out of 4 options at Macy's. She also did not like those and said she wanted hers made. When she saw my dress her comment was, "I guess that's ok for Vegas." She also did not like my ceremony and reception were at 2 different sites, and said I "should have just gone to Mexico." (she got married in Malibu Canyon). She also bitched about how rude it was when some of our family did not give them a gift.

So my emotions bring me back to that time and also how if we were close sisters maybe she would have shared they were trying for a baby. I hav felt let out of her life for sometime now and I tried of always being the one to try to work on us becoming closer. Yes I can take the news and do whatever needs to be done for her and baby to be there, and it is just who Iam do whatever to put everyone else first. I cherish those in my life who love and care for me. When I planned my wedding it was initially an April wedding, but 2 of my friends were pregnant and due Feb. I wanted them both there and spoke with them about timeframe of when they felt comfortable leaving babies and they both agreed Oct, so date was set for Oct and they are stoked for a vacation! I have no problem making accomodations. With my sister, I would jump to do whatever needs to for her to be there, but I also fear It will not matter and I will end having my feelings hurt in the end some way or some how.

We time of course before the wedding, so I think time will tell! Good thing I am in therapy :P Thanks all!

Futuremrshauger · March 2015

I have reached out to her since, but she hasnt responded. I don't blame her, as I didn't give her the happiest warm wishes after she told me. I feel so bad fo my reaction and I have told her I am sorry and tried to explain where it was coming from. I don't blame her.

adverb · March 2015

Thanks for the backstory. WOW - she sounds like she's really been opinionated throughout your whole wedding process... and you're not even in the final months yet.

If you decide to keep her in the wedding, it sounds like she's just gonna cause even more stress for you. It sounds like you're the one doing a lot of the work and she just keeps giving you pushback. I get that it's "family", but you're obviously frustrated a LOT with the way she's handled things so far. Have you talked to her about all this? I think you're gonna need to sit down and have a big discussion IF she's gonna be in your wedding (which she obviously isn't going to like). Otherwise she's just gonna make things miserable for you and take away from your big day.

At least that's how I see it.

tcnoble · March 2015

vegasgroom said:

Futuremrshauger said:
I was engaged in July and wedding is Oct 16th; we are coming from MN. My. Sister and I have not been technically close in years, but I did ask her to be in my wedding and she said yes. I thought maybe it would be a time we could grow closer. She was married last Feb. Yesterday she texted me that she is pregnant due Aug 15. Wow, was that a surprise. I suspected she may have been during the holidays as she was not drinking her usual wine, but she denied. We have requested a kid free wedding from the start and she has been supportive of that. She told me its up to me if I still want her coming with the baby and she planned to bring her MIL to watch the baby.

Sooooo many emotions after hearing this! Why agree to be in the wedding when you are actively trying to start a family. What if she were due in Oct? Isn't it a little soon as a first time mom to say for sure in 2 months she and baby will be ready to fly? What if she is overdue, there are complications? Does that mean I have to
pay for her MIL reception dinner? Part of me is feeling selfish that I don't want her new baby there; I didn't wants kids there from the beginning.

I get don't put off starting your family because of our wedding, but really.... Should she have just been up front from the beginning? Why leave it up to me to say she can or cannot come? That makes me look like an asshole if I say no as I know my family will be estatic. I feel she should take herself out as it's not a guarantee and it's added stress for me having to be worried about "what if." So freaking frustrated, sad, mad, grrrrr

Thanks the vent!
OP, your post makes no sense to me. On one hand, you say you want to
use your wedding as a way to reconcile what sounds like a difficult
relationship with your sister, and then on the other hand, you're
suspicious of whether she knew she was pregnant over the holidays like
it was some covert plan to ruin your wedding. She's already made
arrangements to ensure it will not be an issue, so I have no clue why
you're even upset to begin with.

That being the case; IF you want
to get closer with your sister, AND don't want kids at your wedding,
then not only does it sound like she's already solved your problem for
you, but I think you should do whatever you can to help her situation as
that will certainly help rebuild the relationship. If that means you
send her MIL room service the night of your wedding, then do it.

I get the no kids thing; I don't like kids at weddings and my own wedding
was adult only. I'm also a father, and would not bring my kid to
someone's wedding, I'd make arrangements. However, arrangements cost
money, and it sounds like your sister is going out of her way to be in
your wedding by planning to bring a third person to Vegas simply to
watch what will be a two month old. With her MIL there, she can be in
your wedding and attend your reception without her kid bothering anyone
so I fail to see the issue. That is a very nice thing for her to do,
the easy way out would have been to not attend at all and she didn't
take that option. If your desire is truly to get closer to her, it
seems like she's already put forth an olive branch and you're wanting to
slap it away for some reason.

QFT.

Your posts following this don't really clear up the story either. It seems like you are almost certain her and her baby will complicate and ruin the day, and although she is trying her best to make it work, I don't know that you truly want it to work. If that's the case, tell her you don't want her and her baby there, and be prepared to end this relationship.. not rebuild it.

Futuremrshauger · March 2015

@ tcnoble I have not idea what I want right now. Just going to take the time to process it more. Yeah initially (the past 2 days) my selfish feelings were based on her and how bringing the baby may complicate the day ( I would not go as far as to say ruin.) Now, I know feelings were displaced and go way deeper. The bottom line is, even if her and baby come that does not fix the relationship. It is still going to take actual work (rather than showing up) on both our parts and I know that, but she also has to want to work deeper on this relationship. It is definitely realistic and I would be more enthused to us celebrate our big moments throughout this year with showers and shopping for baby and wedding. Best predictor is past behavior, and I am just fearful I will be putting in more effort and then be sad and disappointed if efforts are not reciprocated. We have been through a lot growing up and I pretty much raised her (we are only 14 months apart). We handle shit differently where I want to talk about things and gain understanding and she wants to act like nothing happend. For this to work, we both need to respect our differences in one another. Time will tell!

tcnoble · March 2015

Futuremrshauger said:
@ tcnoble I have not idea what I want right now. Just going to take the time to process it more. Yeah initially (the past 2 days) my selfish feelings were based on her and how bringing the baby may complicate the day ( I would not go as far as to say ruin.) Now, I know feelings were displaced and go way deeper. The bottom line is, even if her and baby come that does not fix the relationship. It is still going to take actual work (rather than showing up) on both our parts and I know that, but she also has to want to work deeper on this relationship. It is definitely realistic and I would be more enthused to us celebrate our big moments throughout this year with showers and shopping for baby and wedding. Best predictor is past behavior, and I am just fearful I will be putting in more effort and then be sad and disappointed if efforts are not reciprocated. We have been through a lot growing up and I pretty much raised her (we are only 14 months apart). We handle shit differently where I want to talk about things and gain understanding and she wants to act like nothing happend. For this to work, we both need to respect our differences in one another. Time will tell!

You won't know until you try, and this would be a good act of faith on your part. Of course she may not return in kind, but you can't form a healthy relationship with a "tit-for-tat" mentality. You do what you can, and how she chooses to respond is up to her. You will definitely set the precedent if you alienate her from your wedding based on her having her baby.

Futuremrshauger · March 2015

You are absolutely 1000% right @tcnoble. There have been multiple attempts on my end in the past, but this will be my last and final. I can only take so much and prefer to put my love and energy into relationships that are positive.

So appreciate the sound board to express the rollercoster of emotions.

xoeden · March 2015

As someone who doesn't have a sister and isn't super-close to their brother, my opinion would be to cut the losses and run. Make a special day of with your sister, but leave her out of your wedding. This is your special day and if you choose to dress your bridesmaids in tartan and lace with lime green sequins, she can bite your tush.

And that's why I'm not having a wedding party. I am way too sassy.

jenni5672 · March 2015

I agree with Xoeden. I have a brother and it always about him. I have tried for years to make so we are closer, but to no avail. As long as it is what he wants he is all in. I have finally decided it's enough. It is your day. Enjoy it. The family drama will be there afterwards, deal with it then. Sometimes it 's ok to be selfish.

annathy03 · March 2015

I wouldn't kick her out, I mean all she has to do is show up sober in whatever bridesmaid dress you guys settled on in the end- if she doesn't show up in her BM dress she effectively removes herself from the wedding and makes herself a regular guest. Booting her from the bridal party will make you the bad guy and cause more family drama.

Logistically while it would be gracious to allow her MIL to come to watch the kid (and FWIW my 6 month old niece slept through my entire reception), it's also be fine to stick to your child free plan and not allow the baby/MIL to come to the wedding.

Just don't involve her in anything she doesn't need to be a part of (like your dress, who says that?!), and try not to stress about what you can't control. If she or baby can't fly after 2 months that's your sisters problem not yours.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

OK - I'm confused about this. Your wedding is in October, she's due in August, assuming the MIL and baby will be in a hotel room, not at the wedding festivities? I don't understand the issue at hand.

That being said. I've had a rough relationship with many of my family members. It can be extra hard to feel like you are missing out on relationships that "could have been". But I think it's worse to actively engage and try to fix and mend relationships only to end up being more upset and frustrated.

I have found that I am a much HAPPIER person, WITHOUT those relationships. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I found that when I stopped dwelling on what my family relationships could/should be and focus on the great relationships I did have, I was a much happier person. Those relationships aren't what make me whole. Not having them doesn't make me a less happy person.

That all being said, it sounds like your relationship with your sister is not making you happy or contributing to your overall happiness in life. I would quietly stop working on that relationship for a while, and let you both mature a few more years and see if anything changes. People change a lot over just 2-3 years- maybe right now isn't the time to force a fix. Actually, you should never force a fix. Just try to let it happen - but on your own terms. Make sure it's making you happy.

Sister drops a bomb

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