Wedding Woes

Should I settle for Mr. Good-enough?

Dear Prudence, 
I am a mid-30s lady in a relationship that is the definition of “good enough.” My guy is a loving, supportive, committed dude who wants a future and children with me. I just don’t feel a spark with him. I do have tremendous affection for him as a wonderful, lovable person. I want the best for him, I respect him deeply, we work together as a couple companionably and effectively. We would have a great life together based on good communication and shared values. But I feel a bit lonely now and again and rely on my best friends for the zing that isn’t there in my relationship. I very much want children and there are no guarantees about finding another gem to have them with in my short child-bearing window. Is that connection, that passion, a thing of pop culture? Is what we have enough to make a marriage? 

—Decision Time

Re: Should I settle for Mr. Good-enough?

  • I don't even know what she's talking about. Are they not sexually compatible? That's a problem. Is it just that she doesn't understand you don't feel "in love" after a while, because it's not a sustainable emotion? That's just her problem, and no one's ever going to give her that "spark". 

    Also, you're supposed to have friends to give you what your spouse doesn't. A spouse isn't the only relationship you'll ever need. You still need friends, duh. 

    I think she needs to figure out that marriages aren't romance novels. And I love romance novels, but, you know. No one writes them about people who've been married 50 years and just putter along with each other, being kind and taking out the trash. 
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  • Hey, wait until she gets in her 40's. That nice guy starts looking like a steak.:)
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  • She needs to listen to Dan Savage's speech about "The One".
  • It's funny- I have been searching for someone like you because I have been having the same thoughts and feelings. I love my fiancé very much and I am more compatible with him than anyone else I have ever dated. But I had a lot more chemistry with past partners. Needless to say, those relationships didn't work out. I read an article in Psychology Today about a woman who "arranged" her own marriage. By this I mean she chose to marry a man with whom she shared the same values with and said that with time, she grew to love him more and more. I do think chemistry is important, but at the end of the day, I think compatibility is even more important. Good luck to you and tell me what you think. :) 
  • It's funny- I have been searching for someone like you because I have been having the same thoughts and feelings. I love my fiancé very much and I am more compatible with him than anyone else I have ever dated. But I had a lot more chemistry with past partners. Needless to say, those relationships didn't work out. I read an article in Psychology Today about a woman who "arranged" her own marriage. By this I mean she chose to marry a man with whom she shared the same values with and said that with time, she grew to love him more and more. I do think chemistry is important, but at the end of the day, I think compatibility is even more important. Good luck to you and tell me what you think. :) 

    Yeah, Mrs Conn, tell her what you think.

  • VarunaTT said:

    She needs to listen to Dan Savage's speech about "The One".

    I have been reading his column for 20 years (yes, 20), he has a lot of sound advice. When I read the the letter that MrsConn posted his voice popped into my head "sex is 5% of the relationship when you are having it and 95% when you're not"

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