Please help settle this dispute

chloe97 · March 2015

FI and I are close to having a knock down, drag out fight over this one small issue having to do with my wedding and I need opinions. Online RSVP- Yea or Nay?

My mom is against it. I have friends who told me they hate it. Fi wand his mom want it, I'm not against it at all, but if it's going annoy even 2 people who are invited to our 250 person wedding, I don't think it's worth it. Fi is in a business that is based in referral. If the $125 we save by doing online RSVP costs us money in commission by someone invited to our wedding who is any way offended by our choice- it's not worth it to me.

He, on the other hand, is sick of hearing that it matters what people think. I've tried to explain etiquette to him- he doesn't get it. I'm really trying hard here to do the right thing that will not be side-eyed. So please, I need guidance on this.

Thanks!!!

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2015

Enough people screwed up our paper RSVPs, and those are the norm. Online would have been a nightmare. :-p

FiancB · March 2015

Eh I kind of don't care, I don't really think it's an etiquette issue, but find people are even less likely to RSVP online than they are otherwise. Better to just stick with the old fashioned way.

I included RSVP cards, with the envelopes already written out and stamped. I listed the site with all the other info on it, where I left the RSVP option because why not but didn't tout it at all. One person used it. I still had to hassle probably at least 25% of our guests to find out if they were going to show. I think for a wedding that big, it would be really difficult to keep straight who RSVP'ed online, who did it the regular way, and who hasn't at all.

I'd just make it as easy as possible to do a physical RSVP, and leave it as an option on your site in case people are just dying to do it that way. Not many are I don't think.

lyndausvi · March 2015

The "problem" with online is not everyone is computer savvy. At work we have an online option to pay bills and you would be surprised at how many people do not even have a computer/tablet, let alone an email account So keep that in mind.

I personally have no problem with online RSVP, I just suggest the following:

If you are having them email you, then have a dedicated email for RSVP's. That way it doesn't get mixed up in personal emails or worse end up in junk or spam boxes.

Have a option to call you.

RSVP cards have been around for a while, but they are not really necessary. It's the job of the recipient of the invite to RSVP. Back in the day people would send a message on their own stationary. Then pre-printed RSVP cards became popular. With email and internet I can see where online will catch on.

Regardless invitees need to RSVP. How they do that is really up to them. As the host you will just have to deal with getting those from various forms of communication.

chloe97 · March 2015

Okay- so etiquette wise, we are okay- but does it piss you off personally?

I can't believe that we can seriously have a HUGE fight about something so stupid. If my coworker and my mom weren't SO adamant that they hated it, I wouldn't be so wary of it. I really prefer not to rock the boat and do things are 100% not going to get side-eyed.

Our entire guest list are young folks or people who have to use the internet for work, so we aren't worried about the tech-savvy part,

LadyMillil · March 2015

We did online RSVPs through TK's website. I've heard it's glitchy but I didn't have any issues. TK kept track of yes/no and meal choice. I had a small guest list and knew all but 3 invites were computer savvy enough to figure it out. I called those 3 invites to get their response and manually entered it myself.

I'd rather RSVP online instead of going to the post office to drop off a paper RSVP because there is no mail pick up at my condo.

lyndausvi · March 2015

Bottom line is it's the recipients responsibility to RSVP.

No one is required to send a RSVP card. No one is required to send back that RSVP card. No one is required to RSVP online. The only thing they are required to do is RSVP some way. And even then there are people who do not even do that (sigh, some people just don't have manners).

Giving them an option to RSVP online is not a problem. That said, just because it's an option doesn't mean they will use that option.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2015

I wouldn't think it was rude, but I think I'd be more likely to forget it.

JoanE2012 · March 2015

Nay to the online RSVP.

Blergbot · March 2015

I listed an email address at the bottom of our invite. Some people didn't RSVP. Only one of those people showed up to the wedding. I'd say it worked for us.

julieanne912 · March 2015

I plan on doing RSVP cards, but there will also be an online option, although I won't be advertising it really. Don't see why having both would be a problem?

hellohkb · March 2015

I would give guests that option but I'm not sure if I'd make that the only option.

photokitty · March 2015

I think that email rsvps don't feel as binding. People flake out on email RSVP events more frequently than phone or written ones in my experience. Written rsvps feel more formal and as such I believe people take their response more seriously.

flyingfoxes · March 2015

We set up a dedicated email and only did online. We still have about 12 days before the deadline, so I'll just have to track down the non-responders. We didn't want to fool with the RSVP envelopes. I don't think anybody is offended by it.

I got an invite from my friend's sister's wedding, and hers is email or call rsvp.

larrygaga · March 2015

I think unless you are 95 years old the tech savvy thing is a piss poor excuse. We live in a world that uses technology, fucking learn it.

buttercup1958 · March 2015

I would prefer an online rsvp. I just find it more convenient, then again I'm obsessed with being on top of things and checking my email. Everyone calls me a mini-workaholic. I'm 21 and savvy enough to use the internet. I'm not offended.

allispain · March 2015

We had a friend do the online thing - both an online RSVP through their wedding website and an e-mail address to which you could RSVP. I did both - the e-mail address didn't work and the wedding website kept giving me an error message. She ended up having to call up all their guests and asking, since hardly anyone's RSVPs made it through.

That being said, I'm not opposed to the idea of online RSVPs, but I agree with PP that it seems very informal to me. If I were having a more formal wedding, I definitely would not do it. Something more casual like a backyard BBQ one, makes more sense to me.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

Is it explicitly against etiquette? I don't think so. Its definitely less formal, but of that's the style of your wedding, whatever.

Does it have the potential to create a lot of extra work for you? Yup. Just look at the Knottie Tech board and all the threads about people having issues with online RSVPs.

Not worth the headache, IMHO.

redwoodoriginal · March 2015

i have no issues with online RSVPs. We did online only for everyone in the US and for the invitations I made in another language for my family in another country I put my email address down for them because I knew that would be easier for them, even though 99% of my family does speak some English.

We had zero issues with online RSVP, although some of my friends told me verbally, but we also didn't use the knot for our wedding website/rsvps.

I think it sounds like it would be better for you guys to use paper RSVPs, esp if you're concerned about his business referrals. in the long run, $125 isn't a big chunk to spend on it, IMO, and worth the worry if you're worried about it.

huskypuppy14 · March 2015

Who is hosting the wedding? If your Mom is hosting, I'd do the paper RSVPs.

charlottesmom0626 · March 2015

I got one of these recently and didn't like it. It came off as cheap to me, like they didn't want to spend money on postage..

Also I had a hard time knowing if my answer actually went through- and THEN when I thought it did, the website said "If you change your mind revisit this page anytime!" so I can re-RSVP next week?

jenajjthr · March 2015

chloe97 said:
FI and I are close to having a knock down, drag out fight over this one small issue having to do with my wedding and I need opinions. Online RSVP- Yea or Nay?

My mom is against it. I have friends who told me they hate it. Fi wand his mom want it, I'm not against it at all, but if it's going annoy even 2 people who are invited to our 250 person wedding, I don't think it's worth it. Fi is in a business that is based in referral. If the $125 we save by doing online RSVP costs us money in commission by someone invited to our wedding who is any way offended by our choice- it's not worth it to me.

He, on the other hand, is sick of hearing that it matters what people think. I've tried to explain etiquette to him- he doesn't get it. I'm really trying hard here to do the right thing that will not be side-eyed. So please, I need guidance on this.

Thanks!!!

First to the bolded ~ it's not just your wedding, it's both of yours wedding. If you two are about to come to a "knock down, drag out fight" as something as small at HOW people RSVP because you can't compromise....like maybe do both as pp's suggested. Then what will it be like when you have actual marital problems? I don't know if you are being overly dramatic or not...can't read your feelings in text, but yeah, how you RSVP shouldn't be this big of an issue.

As for online vs. paper RSVP. Paper does have a more formal feel to it, and like pp's have stated, more people may take it more seriously. You will still have people who don't return them, they get lost in the mail, still have to call people up. Online RSVP's can be "less formal," not everybody has easy access to internet, will remember to go the site, or the site may not work, etc. You will probably still have to hunt down RSVP's. 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other.

I only have done 1 online RSVP, site said it went through. 1 week before the wedding, groom asked me if I was coming. I told him yeah, I RSVP'd on the site, he said it didn't go through, next day he apologized, said it did. Computers glitch, so if you go that route, just have a backup.

princessbuttercup09 · March 2015

I just ordered my RSVPs, my sister's bridal shower invites, and 40 thank you cards and paid $5 for the shipping. I used a Groupon so I spent of a total of $35 on all of it. They can definitely be done for a reasonable price! Maybe look at using a postcard that doesn't require an envelope to save some money.

AddieCake · March 2015

I'm not a fan of online RSVPs, invitations, or STDs.

anjemon · March 2015

I'm personally not a fan of online RSVP's. I'm with previous PP's who say it feels less formal.

I also know I would be the person to forget without a paper reminder. But obviously that's on me. And while most people are computer savvy, or at least one person in a couple know what they're doing, I do know a few people on my guest list would have had a hard time figuring out online RSVPs.

Edited to add: And not just older people. I know some 50 - 60s people who don't use computers at their job and aren't that tech saavy. They might be able to figure it out, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be a hassle.

Maggie0829 · March 2015

I am not a fan of online anything when it comes to weddings and the invitations. Having things online just makes the entire wedding seem super casual to me. And even the most casual of weddings deserve to have a nice invitation. Also, it feels like everything in today's world is done online so having something go through the actual mail system just makes things feel a bit more special.

lovesclimbing · March 2015

I don't care. I don't side eye online RSVPs. I think it's pretty handy actually.

For the record, we didn't do either. We didn't have RSVPs. We had a cake and punch reception and we guesstimated how many would show up.

levioosa · March 2015

I personally am not a fan of any type of invites/STDs online for weddings. Weddings are typically a more "formal" event, and I don't feel like online RSVPs reflect that. Now, if your wedding is super casual, then an e-vite/online RSVP might make more sense. I still think a super casual wedding deserves a paper invite though.

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