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WR: Dilemma, do I ask them to be bridesmaids?

nycgal85nycgal85 member
100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
edited March 2015 in Not Engaged Yet
So right now I have my two sisters and FIs sister as BMs. I also plan to ask my two best girlfriends here in NYC to be BMs. I have two other very close friends, my best friend from middle/high school and my college roommate, but neither of them live nearby. Both of them are in financial hardship, college roomie is expecting her first baby this summer and bought a house earlier this year, and middle school friend is not financially stable. I was also in roomie's wedding last summer. 

So my dilemma is, do I ask them out of courtesy because they are such close friends, even though I know financially it would be very hard. Or do I not and risk hurting their feelings in order to prevent them from the financial burden? I'm worried that they will say yes but I don't want to add all those extra costs, especially since it would already require airfare, hotel, etc in NY just to attend the wedding.

When roomie asked me to be a BM she prefaced it with I know it's hard because you don't live here you can say no. But again, I felt like it was my duty as her friend to say yes and be there as a BM. But, I also was unable to participate in any BM activities since I wasn't local. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? 
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Re: WR: Dilemma, do I ask them to be bridesmaids?

  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited March 2015
    My first piece of advice is to SLOOOOW down sista!

     Enjoy getting engaged for a moment! It just happened! Look at your sparkly and feel giddy! 

     And if you want to start planning RIGHT NOW! Then start with things like your budget, guest list, and your venue. Then you'll be able to figure out your wedding date! And THEN think about who will be your bridesmaids! (if you go look at the Wedding Party board, it's filled with people asking their wedding party members too soon and then regretting it because relationships changed, etc. The general recommendation is not to ask your wedding party until you're something like 9 months out from your wedding I think. I asked a bit earlier than that. And obviously if you're doing a short engagement the 9 month thing doesn't follow. But you need to know your wedding date and venue and budget and guest list before you do anything!)

    As for the rest of what you mentioned.... biggest thing to remember is: the expectations you should have of your bridesmaids are that they 1. come to your wedding and 2.wear the appropriate attire. (and that attire should fall within the lowest budget any of your bridesmaid's tells you when you ask them individually.) That's it! The other stuff (shower, bachelorette) is extra frosting. Ask your very closest friends/ family. Nearest and dearest. 

    So, if these gals are your super close friends who must be up there with with, and you were only not going to ask them because you're worried about the costs associated... well, if they were going to come as a guest, then only extra cost is the dress, which should fall within their budget. And you know ahead of time some things might come up (finances, health things... someone in their family could be hit by a truck!) that could potentially make it impossible for them to come on the day of your wedding. It would be awful, but anything is possible!   So, keep your expectations low, and ask away! (seriously, low expectations helps a LOT with pretty much everything wedding.) And above all, remember that they're your friends first, not bridesmaids first. 

    And you should also think about  can you afford to get flowers and gifts, etc. for more then 5 bridesmaids? Is there space in the getting ready room for all of you? Can you afford to host more then 5 bridesmaids and their significant others for the rehearsal dinner (if you have one)? That annoying logical stuff is important. 

    But, it sounds like you aren't as close to them as your sisters, FI's sister, and your two friends. You mentioned asking them as a courtesy/ kind hoping they would say no (or being afraid they would say yes... semantics)! I think that answers your question right there. Full stop. 



    I had a tough time picking my bridesmaids (as evidenced by multiple discussions I've posted about it!), so I do get where your "AHH!" moment is coming from. I asked my FI's sister, and two close friends from college. I very seriously considered asking 2 other friends from college. But I didn't.  I'm less then 3 months away from the wedding, and as of now I'm happy with this decision. FYI, those two friends are still invited to the wedding, shower, bachelorette, etc. And they're still my close friends. 
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  • nycgal85nycgal85 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2015
    @lilacc28 - Thanks for the advice. I know I'm getting carried away, but FI is actually the one who is pushing me to make these decisions now (turns out he's way more into wedding planning than me!!). We've already started figuring out a budget...our parents told us the amount of money they are going to give us and we had already figured out how much each of us were going to put in. We've also looked at some venues online and we invited my mom and sister to visit next month to go looking at venues and dress shop - my one sister is also an event planner so she's helping with our wedding planning.

    The issue with these two friends is they still people I care deeply about but don't see very often. I see my roomie about once or twice a year (she lives near my parents), so I only see her when I go back to visit. Middle school friend moved far away and I rarely see her since now we both live away from our hometown. But she is one of my nearest and dearest from my childhood. 

    While I understand that all I would be asking would be for them to come and dress appropriately, the issue is since it's in NY and they live far away, they would have to pay for airfare (which they would have to pay for anyways to come), but would likely need at least two nights in the hotel instead of just one. They would also need rental cars potentially to get from NYC to the Hudson Valley. All things that I understand I would be asking of any guest coming from out of town, but I feel guilty asking them to spend the extra money that they don't have. 

    The other issue in terms of planning is that FI wants to know numbers so that he can figure out who his GM will be. Also, one of the borderline GM (depending on if I ask these two to be BM) is visiting next weekend, and we will likely not see him again until the wedding, and FI would want to ask him in person if possible.

    But you made some really good points about the finances on our part too....and it's definitely something we need to take into account. I'm still very torn on what to do. I'm leaning toward maybe trying to include them in a way that would be less cost prohibitive.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    ! agree 100% with @lilacck28 about slowing WAY down. There are so, so many posts on other boards about all the issues people have with their bridal party that honestly could have been avoided if they just waited to ask people. Personally my favorite advice for picking your bridesmaids is to only ask the people you would call in the middle of the night to help you move a dead body. If you wouldn't then don't ask.

    Also, who you ask should have zero impact on who your FI asks. You don't need even sides and just asking people so that there are even sides is a pretty crappy thing to do. How do you think that groomsmen would feel if he found out he was borderline and only ended up being asked to even up the numbers?


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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    One thing I regret about wedding planning is that I *didn't* wait to ask bridesmaids, and I ended up having two of them back out and it was really upsetting.

    So, WAIT. If your fiancé pushes you, tell him, "Honey, I'm waiting. Mind your own business."

    Number don't matter, and trying to have even sides can often end up hurting people. My ex-SIL could only think of three people to ask and my brother insisted on having four people on his side, so she asked my little sister to be a bridesmaid ... but not me because then the sides wouldn't be even. My family is a huge mess, and it made me feel like total shit, like my then-SIL felt like my sister was one of her closest friends, but not me.

    And even numbers can end up being futile, ESPECIALLY when you're asking people so early, before you even have a wedding date. One of my bridesmaids backed out because she could not come to the wedding at all, and we didn't learn that until the RSVPs rolled in (I mean, she called me and we talked about it, but she wasn't sure she could make it and that's when she knew for sure she couldn't). And I have had to back out of a wedding party because I couldn't afford to make the wedding. It happens.

    Finally, the reason to ask someone to be in the wedding party is because you care about them, they're important to you, and often because they've played a role in being supportive about your relationship with your soon-to-be-spouse. It is always disappointing to have someone say no, or to be unable to attend because they can't afford the trip. But what you need to do is--NOT THIS EARLY--is decide who you want standing up with you, and then ask those people and let them know what being in the wedding party would entail. If they say yes, great! If they say no, or they're not sure they can come to the wedding, that's okay, too (but don't ask anyone else).
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  • untouchabletsuntouchablets member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I agree with everyone. I have been asked to be in two separate weddings long before the actual wedding, in one case too much was expected from me as MOH in terms of actual wedding planning and money and I dropped out. In another case my then-best friend got engaged and that day asked me to be MOH. She didn't start planning the wedding until two years later and we were already growing apart and that hurt her and so she booted me by never speaking to me again which hurt me. The first girl's wedding party went from 3 original BMs including myself to 5 totally different girls by the time the wedding happened for the sake of having even numbers, and she had at least to other MOHs quit in the interim.

     I guess my point of all this is to say that from a BM's point of view, everyone here has given valuable advice! Do the budget planning, guest list, and find your venue, set your date... but most of all enjoy being engaged this early!
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  • labrolabro member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    1. Finalize your budget.

    2. Finalize your guest list.

    3. Book a venue/date.

    4. Ok, NOW you can start thinking about bridal party. I understand your FI is pushing you, but seriously, this isn't HIS bridal party. If he wants to ask his groomsmen now then, fine, that's his prerogative (although I still think it's early) but that doesn't mean you need to ask your bridesmaids righthissecond. Seriously, take a breather.

    In regards to the bridesmaids who live far away, so what? I asked both of my SILs to be in the bridal party and neither of them were able to participate in any pre-wedding events and that was just fine. Many of my nearest and dearest friends also live out of town and weren't able to come to my bachelorette or any showers, the MOST important thing was that they were all there for the wedding.

    In regards to budget. Your bridesmaid's expenses should be travel to get to the wedding, a dress and shoes (unless you're asking them all to wear crazy satin coral heels or something, then you should buy them), and that's it. If you're worried about their ability to pay but still really want them to be in the bridal party have a long and serious talk about their budget. Choose a dress (or better yet, just let everyone choose their own x length dress in x color) that fits everyone's budget (meaning, it's no more than the cost of the lowest budget) and go from there.



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  • Loves2dreamLoves2dream member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think if they are good friends, they deserve to have an honest discussion with them and leave it in their hands whether or not it is something they can financially commit to. Good luck!
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  • jenjen047jenjen047 member
    1000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper


    Agree with PP here that you need to slow down and at least wait until
    you have a date before asking anyone. Even if you are planning for a
    short engagement, no one can honestly commit to being a BM until they
    know when the wedding is happening.
    nycgal85 said:

    We are having an open house this weekend to celebrate our engagement, and with passover and easter (FI is half Irish half Jewish) coming up we will have a lot of family time and my family is visiting in a month. So we need to just enjoy this experience and this moment because we won't ever get it back.

    This sounds super fun, and like a great opportunity to share your excitement with your family! Like you said, just enjoy this time with your family and FI.
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I'm glad you've decided to wait @nycgal85 ! But, one last point: It's SOOOO much nicer to your potential wedding party to actually know your wedding details (the exact date, time venue) before you ask them. That way if they say yes or no, it's more likely to be an informed decision rather than a gut reaction that they'll have to go back on later. 
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  • eilis1228eilis1228 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    lilacck28 said:

    I'm glad you've decided to wait @nycgal85 ! But, one last point: It's SOOOO much nicer to your potential wedding party to actually know your wedding details (the exact date, time venue) before you ask them. That way if they say yes or no, it's more likely to be an informed decision rather than a gut reaction that they'll have to go back on later. 

    ^^^^YES! A few years ago while I was in college, a friend was planning a wedding across the country and asked me to be a BM. Initially I said yes, but a few weeks later when she told me the date (right smack dab in the middle of finals), I had to bow out. She really didn't take the news well, and we haven't talked much since, but it would have gone a lot better had I known the date when she asked. 


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