Wedding Etiquette Forum

Fmil and seating chart

My fmil is well tough to please. Everything is wrong unless it is her way. Well she has not helped with a single wedding plan (which is fine with me) nor have I asked her for help. She doesn't even talk about the wedding and if it is by chance brought up in front of her she changed the subject. She has already in the beginning of the planning process given us the I will not go if x y and z are invited. We did honor her request to keep the peace. Now out of no where she wants to do the seating chart for the reception she claims it is the mog's job. But I have never ever heard that and honestly I don't want her to do it. I want to do it myself. I have said nothing to her in regards to her request but avoiding it forever is not going to happen. Am I in the wrong is that something a mog typically does?

Re: Fmil and seating chart

  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2015

    Nope, it is not the MOG's "job" to do the seating chart (FYI, there are no "jobs" for anyone other than the bride and groom in terms of planning-and paying for- their wedding).

    If you don't want her to do it, have your Fi communicate to her that the two of you are already handling it. If she gets upset at you, continue directing her to your Fi to deal with.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • Do the seating chart yourself. It's not the "MOG's job" any more than it's the Bride's parents' job to the pay for the wedding. That's ridiculous. 

    If she brings it up, do as she does and change the subject. 
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    My MIL wanted a say in the seating chart. So, I started it myself based on what I knew of my friends, husband's friends, and family dynamics. Then I passed it to my husband, and he had some tweaks to make to the family tables. When he was satisfied, he passed it to his mom, and she didn't have a single correction to make. Voila. 

    That may help in your case. It's YOUR wedding so you should at least start it, but allowing her review of your finished product should not only quench her thirst, but just may be necessary if she's aware of a family or friend dynamic that you weren't aware of. 
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  • No, it is not her job. My FMIL is worried I won't sit her in a good area, and the first thing she said when I told her I want to do a seating chart rather than self seating was "well, you know I have to be seated closest to the sweethearts table" (eye roll). I'm guessing she wants to do it to ensure she gets the best seat, which is stupid because she's already going to be in a good area.  Tell her she is welcome to give you input on who should sit with whom from her side of the family, but she doesn't know your friends or your side of the family so you will be doing it.  
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    My fmil is well tough to please. Everything is wrong unless it is her way. Well she has not helped with a single wedding plan (which is fine with me) nor have I asked her for help. She doesn't even talk about the wedding and if it is by chance brought up in front of her she changed the subject. She has already in the beginning of the planning process given us the I will not go if x y and z are invited. We did honor her request to keep the peace. Now out of no where she wants to do the seating chart for the reception she claims it is the mog's job. But I have never ever heard that and honestly I don't want her to do it. I want to do it myself. I have said nothing to her in regards to her request but avoiding it forever is not going to happen. Am I in the wrong is that something a mog typically does?

    "Appreciate the offer, but I'll handle it. I'll let you know if I have any questions. Thanks!"

    The only person with a job is the officiant. 

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    zitiqueen
  • My MIL wanted a say in the seating chart. So, I started it myself based on what I knew of my friends, husband's friends, and family dynamics. Then I passed it to my husband, and he had some tweaks to make to the family tables. When he was satisfied, he passed it to his mom, and she didn't have a single correction to make. Voila. 


    That may help in your case. It's YOUR wedding so you should at least start it, but allowing her review of your finished product should not only quench her thirst, but just may be necessary if she's aware of a family or friend dynamic that you weren't aware of. 
    I don't know if I'd do that. It sounds like it was really easy in your case, but OP's FMIL has already made demands like "if so and so is invited, I'm not coming." Kind of makes me think she'd be tossing out ultimatums for tables, too.

    Perhaps a balance would be to let her know what the seating chart looks like for HER table. Just her's. And ask if she has any objections.
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    loveislouder
  • Thank you for the advice. I know there are no jobs at weddings that was actually her wording to fi. I had a feeling it was not correct.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In the same breath that you tell her that you and FI area handling the seating chart, I would ask her who she wants at her table.  I think it is nice if you can offer to both sets of parents the choice of who sits at their table.
    [Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Nope, it's not her job. "Thanks, but this is something FI and I have under control." If she gets pushy, bean-dip her.
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    No, the MOG doesn't do the seating chart. 

    I asked my MIL who she wanted seated at her table. That's it. 
  • In the same breath that you tell her that you and FI area handling the seating chart, I would ask her who she wants at her table.  I think it is nice if you can offer to both sets of parents the choice of who sits at their table.

    This. No, she does not get to decide the entire seating chart. However, it would be gracious of you and your FI to allow her to have a say in which other guests are seated at her table. She may want only family, she may have a good friend she would like seated with her, etc.
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    [Deleted User]
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    MIL kept offering to help with this - "I've had a lot of experience planning charity events and making up seating charts..." Great. Good for you.

    I sent MIL the guests from her side (family and family friends, including the ILs themselves) - just those names and no others - and asked if she could arrange these people into X tables. If FI would rather have done that or felt he could have done it better, I would simply have asked who they wanted to sit with.

  • allispain said:


    In the same breath that you tell her that you and FI area handling the seating chart, I would ask her who she wants at her table.  I think it is nice if you can offer to both sets of parents the choice of who sits at their table.

    This. No, she does not get to decide the entire seating chart. However, it would be gracious of you and your FI to allow her to have a say in which other guests are seated at her table. She may want only family, she may have a good friend she would like seated with her, etc.
    Let her host a table.  "FMIL, our tables are 10 person tables.  Please let me know what 8 people you and FFIL would like to sit with."  Then number her table #1 even though it matters not at all, just to make her think she's the queen.  (Make the sweetheart table number 6 or something, just to make it clear to non table 1ers that it means nothing.)
    whovianstark
  • adk19 said:

    allispain said:


    In the same breath that you tell her that you and FI area handling the seating chart, I would ask her who she wants at her table.  I think it is nice if you can offer to both sets of parents the choice of who sits at their table.

    This. No, she does not get to decide the entire seating chart. However, it would be gracious of you and your FI to allow her to have a say in which other guests are seated at her table. She may want only family, she may have a good friend she would like seated with her, etc.
    Let her host a table.  "FMIL, our tables are 10 person tables.  Please let me know what 8 people you and FFIL would like to sit with."  Then number her table #1 even though it matters not at all, just to make her think she's the queen.  (Make the sweetheart table number 6 or something, just to make it clear to non table 1ers that it means nothing.)
    Yeah, I'd ask her who she wants sat at her table. And since she's a bit of a drama queen, I'd just let her have whoever she wants. You can do the rest of the seating chart with everyone else. 

    And I agree about the table numbering. It is so meaningless, but if you know she's the type to get uppity then just make sure her table is a lower number than any of the other parent's tables so she can feel special. 

    We let both of our parents pick their tables, and my brother's table had a spot for one more couple and we clearly wanted to put one of our cousins there, but I let them pick which one. I didn't matter to me!
  • melbensomelbenso Hoth, apparently member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    Unless FMIL knows everyone attending the reception and who else they know, it would make no sense for her to do the seating chart, much less for it to be her job.  If I were you, I'd respond with: "Thank you, but we've got it covered.  Is there anyone particular that you would like to be seated with?"  I don't see any harm in letting her pick some of the people at her table.

    My MIL requested that we not seat her at the same table as one person (who was in our wedding party and thus seated at the king's table with us anyway).  No problem.
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  • Nope not her job ask her who she wants at her table and if there is any family drama you need to know of when seating other guests.
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  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    Its not her job to do the seating chart.  Our parents helped us with ours so that we didn't have any issues with certain people sitting next to each other.  We had no clue there were family rifts going on LOL.
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