Birth Mother's feeling are a bit hurt

Lissa1213 · March 2015

I’m having a hard time finding a happy median with my
situation. A little back story first: My
birth mother handed custody of me over to my parents aka dad & stepmother
(who most people know as my mom) when I was 11.
I went from 11 until 18 without seeing or speaking to my birth mother
(her choice), she came back into my life for a bit when I turned 19 and I even
stayed with her for 1 ½ in my early twenties.
After I moved out again it was a pretty strained relationship, over the
past 10 years I have seen her a handful of times, usually holidays and talk to
her a few times during the year which is usually by text.

So my
problem is, her feelings are hurt with the wedding and she was almost in tears
telling me that she feels like an outsider once she saw the invitations
(wedding is less than 3 months away). My
parents are hosting everything and I felt that it was the right thing to do by
putting their names and only their names on the formal invite. BirMom says that it’s insulting to her and
her family will not think highly of it.
She hasn’t been involved at all, although she did offer to throw me a
shower, however we are not doing a registry and I told her that I would prefer
it worded a bit differently to maybe an “Engagement Celebration”, I haven’t
heard back from her since and have chalked it up. I don’t really expect anything from her but I
don’t really know how to include her any more than walking up the aisle with an
groomsman and having a reserved table for her at the reception. Any advice as to how I could make her feel
more involved without stepping on my parents toes would be appreciated.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

It's too bad that her feelings are hurt. But you're doing nothing wrong. She's not hosting anything so why would she be listed on the invitations? Her comment about her family not being happy about it is ridiculous and kind of threatening. OH WELL. Does her family know that she's not hosting and has been generally uninvolved in your life in general? Probably, so who cares what she says about that.

I mean, in summary, she hasn't been very involved in your life period, so why would you start including her in everything just because you're getting married? It sounds like she just wants recognition. Too late.

mikenberger · March 2015

Lissa1213 said:

I’m having a hard time finding a happy median with my
situation. A little back story first: My
birth mother handed custody of me over to my parents aka dad & stepmother
(who most people know as my mom) when I was 11.
I went from 11 until 18 without seeing or speaking to my birth mother
(her choice), she came back into my life for a bit when I turned 19 and I even
stayed with her for 1 ½ in my early twenties.
After I moved out again it was a pretty strained relationship, over the
past 10 years I have seen her a handful of times, usually holidays and talk to
her a few times during the year which is usually by text.

So my
problem is, her feelings are hurt with the wedding and she was almost in tears
telling me that she feels like an outsider once she saw the invitations
(wedding is less than 3 months away). My
parents are hosting everything and I felt that it was the right thing to do by
putting their names and only their names on the formal invite. BirMom says that it’s insulting to her and
her family will not think highly of it.
She hasn’t been involved at all, although she did offer to throw me a
shower, however we are not doing a registry and I told her that I would prefer
it worded a bit differently to maybe an “Engagement Celebration”, I haven’t
heard back from her since and have chalked it up. I don’t really expect anything from her but I
don’t really know how to include her any more than walking up the aisle with an
groomsman and having a reserved table for her at the reception. Any advice as to how I could make her feel
more involved without stepping on my parents toes would be appreciated.

Just because you birthed/helped create a human, doesn't make you a mother/parent/father. She seems to want things that she hasn't earned as your mother/parent/father. And that's not your fault. You're not doing anything wrong. I would proceed how you currently are and not give it a second thought. Why would you want to involve her when she's already proved herself to be unable to follow through with things? Don't set yourself up for being let down.

ETA: Trying to be inclusive in my wording...

Knottie89023321 · March 2015

I agree with PPs. She has barely been a part of your life and now wants recognition. You're already doing enough having her escorted for the processional and a special table at the reception.

Lissa1213 · March 2015

Thanks Ladies. I felt that I was doing the right thing by including her a bit. It just really got to me when she became upset about the details.

novella1186 · March 2015

Don't let her tantrum get to you.

It blows my mind when shitty/absentee parents think that they are entitled to step in a play the role of Honored Parent of the Year/Center of Attention/Mother-Father of the Bride when really that's not who they are or who they've ever been.

She hasn't been around and hasn't fit that role your whole life, so she doesn't get to play act now. Too bad for her.

allispain · March 2015

Lissa1213 said:
Thanks Ladies. I felt that I was doing the right thing by including her a bit. It just really got to me when she became upset about the details.

Maybe now that you're getting married she's realizing how much she missed out on by giving you up to your parents - that might explain why she's upset about the details. I mean, it's not surprising she feels like an outsider - she took herself out(side) of your life when you were just a kid.

That being said, that doesn't mean you need to make any more concessions to her role in your wedding than what you are currently doing. I think that want you described above sounds perfectly reasonable, and if she can't come to terms with that, then it's on her - not on you, not on your parents, not on anyone/anything else related to the wedding. Some people think that weddings magically bring everyone together and let bygones be bygones, blah blah blah. It sounds like your birth mother may be one of those, but that's simply not reality.

OliveOilsMom · March 2015

Remember that a wedding invitation is not a family tree of the couple. It is a note from the hosts of an event inviting the recipient of the invitation. Your parents are hosting, so of course their names should be on the invitation, they issued it! Keep that in mind if your bio mom keeps giving you grief about the invitation.

You have done nothing wrong. So continue on in your plans as you have.

drunkenwitch · March 2015

Ah yes, another classic example of "I didn't do any of the hard work but I still want the recognition".

How about, No.

She is realizing her actions have consequences but doesn't want to face them, and that is not your responsibility.

teddygirl9 · March 2015

"She feels like an outsider"

Um, she kind of is? You aren't doing anything wrong. Honestly, she probably just feels guilty of her past and is taking it out on you. My father is the same way. Try not to let it get to you! You are already trying to accomodate her in a more-than-a-regular-guest kind of way, I don't know why she'd expect more.

futuremrshp · March 2015

I had a very similar thing happen to me a few months ago. My birth mom wanted to be the 'mom' of the wedding--- she never raised me or anything but we have a strained relationship, trying to work it out. So I was clear that she's more than welcome to come to the wedding but she wanted to be 'honored' (her words, not mine in a conversation we had). She screamed that it was her right to be honored as the birth mother, despite the fact she didn't do any work for 34 years. She asked for an invitation so she could keep and when it had just me and my fiancé as the hosts, she further got upset (she's not paying, never paid for anything --- I don't get it).

You're doing the exact right thing. Keep doing things the way they are supposed to and keep moving. She knows she missed out on so much and feels guilty and is hoping that you conceding means you forgive her. That's not your problem.

Hang in there!

sophhabobopha · March 2015

Yeah, no. Fuck off bm. You're not doin anything wrong.

yogadevil · March 2015

My FI's birth father is acting the same way, though he had even less to do with FI than you and your birth mom. FI still wanted to invite him, and it's always been his choice how to proceed with what that entails. His stepdad (real dad) is getting the "dad" privileges, and rightly so. Birth dad is butthurt as all get out which we can't really understand, but that's on him. He may not even come, and honestly that might be for the best.

OP I'm sorry your birthmom is pulling this. It's all up to YOU on this one. Please don't let her manipulation win out over your comfort level. It just really sucks

hang in there

larrygaga · March 2015

I'm sure you know this but your parent is who raised you and not you shot you out their vagina. If she has some special jewelry for you to wear or put in your bouquet? Something small to you but meaningful to her?

Lissa1213 · March 2015

Well I'm trying to not let it get to me, however she wasn't exactly a bad BirMom, she was a good mother from what I remember when I was younger, I didn't get along with her new husband who wasn't the nicest person in the world. She just decided one day that she didn't want to deal with me any longer. I think this would be much easier if she had actually acted like a horrible person to me.

I've learned to live without her in my life over the past upteen years, however since I've been planning this wedding she has been calling and texting more. I actually called her not too long after the OP to let her know when the rehearsal dinner will be and invite her to it. She asked if I need anything, if there is anything she can do. I'm not the type of person to ask for anything at all so I simply rephrased it to "Is there anything you would like to do", she said well I think you're dad pretty much has it covered, but let me know".

It's just frustrating. I do feel much better that you ladies think that I am handling this the right way so far. I was kinda scared to post thinking I would be ripped apart for not including her more *sigh of relief*

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

Well I'm trying to not let it get to me, however she wasn't exactly a bad BirMom, she was a good mother from what I remember when I was younger, I didn't get along with her new husband who wasn't the nicest person in the world. She just decided one day that she didn't want to deal with me any longer. I think this would be much easier if she had actually acted like a horrible person to me.

I would say that "not wanting to deal with you" and basically dumping you on your dad when you were 11, then not speaking to you or seeing you for 7 years, and then only really making an effort when she has the chance to be recognized as a "mom" all points to pretty horrible-person-like-things in my book.

Look, I get that she's your biologically your mom, but like @larrygaga said, she hasn't been a parent.

OliveOilsMom · March 2015

southernbelle0915 said:
Well I'm trying to not let it get to me, however she wasn't exactly a bad BirMom, she was a good mother from what I remember when I was younger, I didn't get along with her new husband who wasn't the nicest person in the world. She just decided one day that she didn't want to deal with me any longer. I think this would be much easier if she had actually acted like a horrible person to me.

I would say that "not wanting to deal with you" and basically dumping you on your dad when you were 11, then not speaking to you or seeing you for 7 years, and then only really making an effort when she has the chance to be recognized as a "mom" all points to pretty horrible-person-like-things in my book.

Look, I get that she's your biologically your mom, but like @larrygaga said, she hasn't been a parent.

This. I will never understand a person who has a child, the parent's SO doesn't get along with the child, and the parent chooses the SO over their child. Their child should be their first priority in life.

Jen4948 · March 2015

I don't get why a woman who "decided one day that she didn't want to deal with you any longer" and dumped you should even for one minute be treated as your mother at your wedding. When she made that decision, she forfeited any moral right to expect to be honored as your mother. I'm sure my mom has on any number of occasions wanted to make the same decision regarding me and my younger brother, but because she never has, no matter how bad things have ever gotten between us, she is and always will be considered my mother.

futuremrshp · March 2015

You do what you think is right in your heart. But I have to tell you that while she was not exactly a bad mother for the first 11 years of your life (that you can remember), her not wanting to deal with you when her new husband came into the picture is actually very bad.

You have no need or obligation to cater to her or what not. If something doesn't look or feel right, then just don't do it --- she falls into all of this as well. It's a little harsh but it's true.

jenajjthr · March 2015

I have a bio dad who is very similar to your bio mom, not very much in my life, but would love to have the "honor" of being "Daddy." Umm, hell to the no. Just because one of your sperm was lucky enough to get my mom pregnant doesn't make you Daddy of the year.

I now have an ex who is also very uninvolved in his kids life. Lives 3 hours away. I'm happy to drive half way for the exchange so he could have them on weekends, spring/summer break, whatever. But no...he's too busy, doesn't have the money, the new wife and baby can't handle them, etc. He also never calls or Skypes. My 13 year old boy is at the age where he is driving me insane and just got 3 days OSS (out of school suspension). As much as my hubby is trying to be a father figure for him, my son desperately misses his dad and is acting out. Drives my hubby insane as well. Could I dump him on his dad, sure. Will I? No, not in a million years. This is my son, and I will not let him think his mom doesn't care either.

I know you want to downplay as much as you can what she did, how could a parent do such a thing? You are being as fair to her as you can, which I admire. But don't be bullied into giving her any more. She has earned no parental "honor" since she was not a parent in your life. She literally gave up that right the day she said she couldn't handle you any more.

Lissa1213 · March 2015

You ladies are completely right, she did a horrible thing by giving away her only daughter while keeping the other two kids. It was absolutely horrible!

But.... I see it as a gift, I was given to my dad and stepmother who have been wonderful parents to me and provided a great life for me. It hurt to know that someone didn't want you, however I know that I had a much better life because of it and I found gratitude in that fact.

My parents deserve all of the recognition that they have coming on my wedding day and I know that it will hurt BirMom's feelings. I just want to avoid the hurt feelings all together since I've already came to terms with the past.

Thanks again for all of your input ladies.

huskypuppy14 · March 2015

Regardless of her previous actions as a mother, she's not hosting, so she's not on the invitation. Are your Fiance's parents on the invitation?

augsum15 · March 2015

Lissa1213 said:

I’m having a hard time finding a happy median with my
situation. A little back story first: My
birth mother handed custody of me over to my parents aka dad & stepmother
(who most people know as my mom) when I was 11.
I went from 11 until 18 without seeing or speaking to my birth mother
(her choice), she came back into my life for a bit when I turned 19 and I even
stayed with her for 1 ½ in my early twenties.
After I moved out again it was a pretty strained relationship, over the
past 10 years I have seen her a handful of times, usually holidays and talk to
her a few times during the year which is usually by text.

So my
problem is, her feelings are hurt with the wedding and she was almost in tears
telling me that she feels like an outsider once she saw the invitations
(wedding is less than 3 months away). My
parents are hosting everything and I felt that it was the right thing to do by
putting their names and only their names on the formal invite. BirMom says that it’s insulting to her and
her family will not think highly of it.
She hasn’t been involved at all, although she did offer to throw me a
shower, however we are not doing a registry and I told her that I would prefer
it worded a bit differently to maybe an “Engagement Celebration”, I haven’t
heard back from her since and have chalked it up. I don’t really expect anything from her but I
don’t really know how to include her any more than walking up the aisle with an
groomsman and having a reserved table for her at the reception. Any advice as to how I could make her feel
more involved without stepping on my parents toes would be appreciated.

Exactly, your parents, a parents not a parent if they no longer want to parent. Agree with PPs.

Also, you don't have to be registered to have a bridal/wedding shower, if you'd like to include her and she's offered to throw you one, go for it. You don't have to register. And from what I've seen and been around, any party wedding related (for example an engagement party) people still tend to bring a gift of some sort, if that's what you're worried about. You can say "please no gifts" or something better worded? Just a thought!

JCbride2015 · March 2015

augsum15 said:

I’m having a hard time finding a happy median with my
situation. A little back story first: My
birth mother handed custody of me over to my parents aka dad & stepmother
(who most people know as my mom) when I was 11.
I went from 11 until 18 without seeing or speaking to my birth mother
(her choice), she came back into my life for a bit when I turned 19 and I even
stayed with her for 1 ½ in my early twenties.
After I moved out again it was a pretty strained relationship, over the
past 10 years I have seen her a handful of times, usually holidays and talk to
her a few times during the year which is usually by text.

So my
problem is, her feelings are hurt with the wedding and she was almost in tears
telling me that she feels like an outsider once she saw the invitations
(wedding is less than 3 months away). My
parents are hosting everything and I felt that it was the right thing to do by
putting their names and only their names on the formal invite. BirMom says that it’s insulting to her and
her family will not think highly of it.
She hasn’t been involved at all, although she did offer to throw me a
shower, however we are not doing a registry and I told her that I would prefer
it worded a bit differently to maybe an “Engagement Celebration”, I haven’t
heard back from her since and have chalked it up. I don’t really expect anything from her but I
don’t really know how to include her any more than walking up the aisle with an
groomsman and having a reserved table for her at the reception. Any advice as to how I could make her feel
more involved without stepping on my parents toes would be appreciated.

Exactly, your parents, a parents not a parent if they no longer want to parent. Agree with PPs.

Also, you don't have to be registered to have a bridal/wedding shower, if you'd like to include her and she's offered to throw you one, go for it. You don't have to register. And from what I've seen and been around, any party wedding related (for example an engagement party) people still tend to bring a gift of some sort, if that's what you're worried about. You can say "please no gifts" or something better worded? Just a thought!

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Sounds like you have done everything appropriately regarding your birth mother and she just can't be expected to be recognized for shit she hasn't done.

The bolded is bad advice. You were correct to turn down the shower since you have not registered. And "no gifts" on a shower is just confusing and pointless. The whole point of a shower is for gifts.

huskypuppy14 · March 2015

JCbride2015 said:

I’m having a hard time finding a happy median with my
situation. A little back story first: My
birth mother handed custody of me over to my parents aka dad & stepmother
(who most people know as my mom) when I was 11.
I went from 11 until 18 without seeing or speaking to my birth mother
(her choice), she came back into my life for a bit when I turned 19 and I even
stayed with her for 1 ½ in my early twenties.
After I moved out again it was a pretty strained relationship, over the
past 10 years I have seen her a handful of times, usually holidays and talk to
her a few times during the year which is usually by text.

So my
problem is, her feelings are hurt with the wedding and she was almost in tears
telling me that she feels like an outsider once she saw the invitations
(wedding is less than 3 months away). My
parents are hosting everything and I felt that it was the right thing to do by
putting their names and only their names on the formal invite. BirMom says that it’s insulting to her and
her family will not think highly of it.
She hasn’t been involved at all, although she did offer to throw me a
shower, however we are not doing a registry and I told her that I would prefer
it worded a bit differently to maybe an “Engagement Celebration”, I haven’t
heard back from her since and have chalked it up. I don’t really expect anything from her but I
don’t really know how to include her any more than walking up the aisle with an
groomsman and having a reserved table for her at the reception. Any advice as to how I could make her feel
more involved without stepping on my parents toes would be appreciated.

Exactly, your parents, a parents not a parent if they no longer want to parent. Agree with PPs.

Also, you don't have to be registered to have a bridal/wedding shower, if you'd like to include her and she's offered to throw you one, go for it. You don't have to register. And from what I've seen and been around, any party wedding related (for example an engagement party) people still tend to bring a gift of some sort, if that's what you're worried about. You can say "please no gifts" or something better worded? Just a thought!

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Sounds like you have done everything appropriately regarding your birth mother and she just can't be expected to be recognized for shit she hasn't done.

The bolded is bad advice. You were correct to turn down the shower since you have not registered. And "no gifts" on a shower is just confusing and pointless. The whole point of a shower is for gifts.

I disagree. There is no rule that you have to be registered to have a shower. Many people "back in the day" didn't have a registry (my mom) but still had a shower thrown for them.

But I do agree about putting no gifts. A shower is a gift giving occasion.

Lissa1213 · March 2015

augsum15 said:

Lissa1213 said:

I’m having a hard time finding a happy median with my
situation. A little back story first: My
birth mother handed custody of me over to my parents aka dad & stepmother
(who most people know as my mom) when I was 11.
I went from 11 until 18 without seeing or speaking to my birth mother
(her choice), she came back into my life for a bit when I turned 19 and I even
stayed with her for 1 ½ in my early twenties.
After I moved out again it was a pretty strained relationship, over the
past 10 years I have seen her a handful of times, usually holidays and talk to
her a few times during the year which is usually by text.

So my
problem is, her feelings are hurt with the wedding and she was almost in tears
telling me that she feels like an outsider once she saw the invitations
(wedding is less than 3 months away). My
parents are hosting everything and I felt that it was the right thing to do by
putting their names and only their names on the formal invite. BirMom says that it’s insulting to her and
her family will not think highly of it.
She hasn’t been involved at all, although she did offer to throw me a
shower, however we are not doing a registry and I told her that I would prefer
it worded a bit differently to maybe an “Engagement Celebration”, I haven’t
heard back from her since and have chalked it up. I don’t really expect anything from her but I
don’t really know how to include her any more than walking up the aisle with an
groomsman and having a reserved table for her at the reception. Any advice as to how I could make her feel
more involved without stepping on my parents toes would be appreciated.

Exactly, your parents, a parents not a parent if they no longer want to parent. Agree with PPs.

Also, you don't have to be registered to have a bridal/wedding shower, if you'd like to include her and she's offered to throw you one, go for it. You don't have to register. And from what I've seen and been around, any party wedding related (for example an engagement party) people still tend to bring a gift of some sort, if that's what you're worried about. You can say "please no gifts" or something better worded? Just a thought!

I have to disagree, it wouldn't have been proper to allow her to throw me a "shower", I have never been to a shower without a gift in hand and wouldn't think of showing up to one without something to give. A shower around here means a party to shower to honoree with gifts. That is why I suggested an engagement party in lieu of a shower. With two and a half months until the wedding though I don't think this is going to happen though. Which I am completely okay with, most of the people she would have invited won't be invited to the wedding anyways so really I'm okay with not having one.

Lissa1213 · March 2015

huskypuppy14 said:
Regardless of her previous actions as a mother, she's not hosting, so she's not on the invitation. Are your Fiance's parents on the invitation?

No, only my parents are listed on the invitations. Honestly I think his mother could care less, she is older and pretty mild tempered.

Is it weird that FMIL has hardly put any input in at all? I'm super close to my parents, I talk to my mom almost everyday and my dad at least weekly. FI stops in to see his mom every now and then and only talks to her every few weeks. I actually want to involve her more, I just don't think she is that interested since it is his second marriage

allispain · March 2015

Lissa1213 said:

huskypuppy14 said:
Regardless of her previous actions as a mother, she's not hosting, so she's not on the invitation. Are your Fiance's parents on the invitation?

No, only my parents are listed on the invitations. Honestly I think his mother could care less, she is older and pretty mild tempered.
Is it weird that FMIL has hardly put any input in at all? I'm super close to my parents, I talk to my mom almost everyday and my dad at least weekly. FI stops in to see his mom every now and then and only talks to her every few weeks. I actually want to involve her more, I just don't think she is that interested since it is his second marriage

I wouldn't worry about it - my MIL barely voiced an opinion on the wedding. She didn't care who was on the guest list (we invited DH's aunts/uncles and grandparents but no cousins, since he barely knows any of them), she couldn't have cared less about food, flowers, etc. She's just not a wedding person, and that's perfectly fine. So your FMIL's lack of involvement may have nothing to do with it being his second marriage - it may just be that she's not super into weddings.

Also, your response above about the shower was spot on - showers are meant to be gift-giving events (this is for any lurkers out there). That's the whole point. You don't want to be showered with gifts at an event that is all about giving the bride gifts? Then decline any showers that are offered to you (like OP did).

Jen4948 · March 2015

JCbride2015 said:

augsum15 said:

I’m having a hard time finding a happy median with my
situation. A little back story first: My
birth mother handed custody of me over to my parents aka dad & stepmother
(who most people know as my mom) when I was 11.
I went from 11 until 18 without seeing or speaking to my birth mother
(her choice), she came back into my life for a bit when I turned 19 and I even
stayed with her for 1 ½ in my early twenties.
After I moved out again it was a pretty strained relationship, over the
past 10 years I have seen her a handful of times, usually holidays and talk to
her a few times during the year which is usually by text.

So my
problem is, her feelings are hurt with the wedding and she was almost in tears
telling me that she feels like an outsider once she saw the invitations
(wedding is less than 3 months away). My
parents are hosting everything and I felt that it was the right thing to do by
putting their names and only their names on the formal invite. BirMom says that it’s insulting to her and
her family will not think highly of it.
She hasn’t been involved at all, although she did offer to throw me a
shower, however we are not doing a registry and I told her that I would prefer
it worded a bit differently to maybe an “Engagement Celebration”, I haven’t
heard back from her since and have chalked it up. I don’t really expect anything from her but I
don’t really know how to include her any more than walking up the aisle with an
groomsman and having a reserved table for her at the reception. Any advice as to how I could make her feel
more involved without stepping on my parents toes would be appreciated.

Exactly, your parents, a parents not a parent if they no longer want to parent. Agree with PPs.

Also, you don't have to be registered to have a bridal/wedding shower, if you'd like to include her and she's offered to throw you one, go for it. You don't have to register. And from what I've seen and been around, any party wedding related (for example an engagement party) people still tend to bring a gift of some sort, if that's what you're worried about. You can say "please no gifts" or something better worded? Just a thought!

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Sounds like you have done everything appropriately regarding your birth mother and she just can't be expected to be recognized for shit she hasn't done.

The bolded is bad advice. You were correct to turn down the shower since you have not registered. And "no gifts" on a shower is just confusing and pointless. The whole point of a shower is for gifts.

But there is no requirement that you have to register for gifts in order to have a shower. Bridal showers began generations before registries did. People who are invited to showers are not required to choose gifts from registries but can give anything they like that's legally allowed.

augsum15 · March 2015

Jen4948 said:

JCbride2015 said:

augsum15 said:

I’m having a hard time finding a happy median with my
situation. A little back story first: My
birth mother handed custody of me over to my parents aka dad & stepmother
(who most people know as my mom) when I was 11.
I went from 11 until 18 without seeing or speaking to my birth mother
(her choice), she came back into my life for a bit when I turned 19 and I even
stayed with her for 1 ½ in my early twenties.
After I moved out again it was a pretty strained relationship, over the
past 10 years I have seen her a handful of times, usually holidays and talk to
her a few times during the year which is usually by text.

So my
problem is, her feelings are hurt with the wedding and she was almost in tears
telling me that she feels like an outsider once she saw the invitations
(wedding is less than 3 months away). My
parents are hosting everything and I felt that it was the right thing to do by
putting their names and only their names on the formal invite. BirMom says that it’s insulting to her and
her family will not think highly of it.
She hasn’t been involved at all, although she did offer to throw me a
shower, however we are not doing a registry and I told her that I would prefer
it worded a bit differently to maybe an “Engagement Celebration”, I haven’t
heard back from her since and have chalked it up. I don’t really expect anything from her but I
don’t really know how to include her any more than walking up the aisle with an
groomsman and having a reserved table for her at the reception. Any advice as to how I could make her feel
more involved without stepping on my parents toes would be appreciated.

Exactly, your parents, a parents not a parent if they no longer want to parent. Agree with PPs.

Also, you don't have to be registered to have a bridal/wedding shower, if you'd like to include her and she's offered to throw you one, go for it. You don't have to register. And from what I've seen and been around, any party wedding related (for example an engagement party) people still tend to bring a gift of some sort, if that's what you're worried about. You can say "please no gifts" or something better worded? Just a thought!
OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Sounds like you have done everything appropriately regarding your birth mother and she just can't be expected to be recognized for shit she hasn't done.

The bolded is bad advice. You were correct to turn down the shower since you have not registered. And "no gifts" on a shower is just confusing and pointless. The whole point of a shower is for gifts.

But there is no requirement that you have to register for gifts in order to have a shower. Bridal showers began generations before registries did. People who are invited to showers are not required to choose gifts from registries but can give anything they like that's legally allowed.

Exactly, the same with a wedding, does that mean I can't have a wedding if I don't register? :P

And to OP, I was merely just saying it's an option she could do that as your original question was how to include her was it not? But if she's only wanting to invite people who will not be invited to the wedding, then that is not okay. If you're invited to wedding related parties, you should be invited to the wedding, which I completely agree with your response.

Birth Mother's feeling are a bit hurt

Re: Birth Mother's feeling are a bit hurt

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