My sister's dating a CREEP

vikinganna87 · March 2015

One of my sisters is in her late 20's. She's been in relationships since she was about 14; I've never known her to be without a boyfriend for more than a couple of months. She was married for about a year and got divorced 1.5 years ago. Everyone in my family - including me - loved the ex but we were supportive when they divorced. She felt she was too young to be married and didn't think things through beforehand.

Now she's dating a guy that she brought home for Christmas and for our wedding. He spent Christmas with us because he doesn't like being with his family for the holidays. He's a very odd creature and seems to rub everyone the wrong way. He'll blurt out inappropriate things very loudly in the middle of a conversation and seems to lack empathy and kindness. I'm pretty tolerant and have met a lot of different types of people, but this guy somehow oozes creepiness. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I simply don't want to be near him. People who sat at his table at the wedding were like WTF does your sister see in this guy? He doesn't seem like a good person.

She lives on the other side of the country and we only see each other about 4x a year. I'm concerned about this guy. I don't necessarily think he'll do her harm but I don't think he's good for her and get a sense he's hiding something. (I googled him and there's NOTHING on him anywhere in cyberspace and he has no social media accounts, which is kind of strange in 2015, right?) My parents are concerned too, but don't want to say anything (yet) because she's very sensitive - especially after the divorce - and think that if they express disapproval it'll drive her closer to him. They've been living together about 2 months.

Is there anything I can say or do? Should I try to get to know this guy better? Is there a delicate way to approach the subject without seeming pedantic or pissing her off? Or should I just hope that they eventually break up?

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

You could always pull an SBMini and contact him directly - tell him to stop being creepy or stay away from your sister!

Your sister is a big girl with lots of dating experience. She'll figure it out. I would keep the gossip with your parents and others to a minimum. If she finds out y'all have been talking among yourselves, it'll just drive a wedge between you.

I get that you worry about her because she's your sister, but try not to let it consume you.

sarawifenow · March 2015

Eh...I think you need to back off of this situation. I echo @southernbelle0915 in that your sister is a big girl.

Also, I kow plenty of people who don't have social media accounts. It doesn't make them creeps.

mikenberger · March 2015

vikinganna87 said:
One of my sisters is in her late 20's. She's been in relationships since she was about 14; I've never known her to be without a boyfriend for more than a couple of months. She was married for about a year and got divorced 1.5 years ago. Everyone in my family - including me - loved the ex but we were supportive when they divorced. She felt she was too young to be married and didn't think things through beforehand.
Now she's dating a guy that she brought home for Christmas and for our wedding. He spent Christmas with us because he doesn't like being with his family for the holidays. He's a very odd creature and seems to rub everyone the wrong way. He'll blurt out inappropriate things very loudly in the middle of a conversation and seems to lack empathy and kindness. I'm pretty tolerant and have met a lot of different types of people, but this guy somehow oozes creepiness. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I simply don't want to be near him. People who sat at his table at the wedding were like WTF does your sister see in this guy? He doesn't seem like a good person.
She lives on the other side of the country and we only see each other about 4x a year. I'm concerned about this guy. I don't necessarily think he'll do her harm but I don't think he's good for her and get a sense he's hiding something. (I googled him and there's NOTHING on him anywhere in cyberspace and he has no social media accounts, which is kind of strange in 2015, right?) My parents are concerned too, but don't want to say anything (yet) because she's very sensitive - especially after the divorce - and think that if they express disapproval it'll drive her closer to him. They've been living together about 2 months.
Is there anything I can say or do? Should I try to get to know this guy better? Is there a delicate way to approach the subject without seeming pedantic or pissing her off? Or should I just hope that they eventually break up?

She's in her late twenties. She's not a child. Unless he's hitting her, stealing from her or otherwise, breaking the law in her general direction, you shouldn't say a thing. I dated plenty of people my family/parents disapproved of. The best thing they ever did for me was to let me figure it out on my own. Tend to not do it again if you learn your lesson the first time around. And if she's being sensitive about who she's dating since the divorce, I think saying something negative about her current partner is going to drive a huge wedge between you two.

And plenty of people don't have social media. That's not a good indicator of whether he's a creep or not. A lot of legit creeps actually have social media. Where do you think they find people to creep on?

ETA: Clarification on "creep"

flutteringinfl · March 2015

She is a big girl. There are some things in this life we don't like, but can't control. If she asks your opinion you tell her. If it's obvious that he's harming her, you can speak up. But if he's just giving you a weird vibe, you don't touch this with a ten foot pole. It's not your business.

flutteringinfl · March 2015

mikenberger said:
One of my sisters is in her late 20's. She's been in relationships since she was about 14; I've never known her to be without a boyfriend for more than a couple of months. She was married for about a year and got divorced 1.5 years ago. Everyone in my family - including me - loved the ex but we were supportive when they divorced. She felt she was too young to be married and didn't think things through beforehand.
Now she's dating a guy that she brought home for Christmas and for our wedding. He spent Christmas with us because he doesn't like being with his family for the holidays. He's a very odd creature and seems to rub everyone the wrong way. He'll blurt out inappropriate things very loudly in the middle of a conversation and seems to lack empathy and kindness. I'm pretty tolerant and have met a lot of different types of people, but this guy somehow oozes creepiness. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I simply don't want to be near him. People who sat at his table at the wedding were like WTF does your sister see in this guy? He doesn't seem like a good person.
She lives on the other side of the country and we only see each other about 4x a year. I'm concerned about this guy. I don't necessarily think he'll do her harm but I don't think he's good for her and get a sense he's hiding something. (I googled him and there's NOTHING on him anywhere in cyberspace and he has no social media accounts, which is kind of strange in 2015, right?) My parents are concerned too, but don't want to say anything (yet) because she's very sensitive - especially after the divorce - and think that if they express disapproval it'll drive her closer to him. They've been living together about 2 months.
Is there anything I can say or do? Should I try to get to know this guy better? Is there a delicate way to approach the subject without seeming pedantic or pissing her off? Or should I just hope that they eventually break up?

She's in her late twenties. She's not a child. Unless he's hitting her, stealing from her or otherwise, breaking the law in her general direction, you shouldn't say a thing. I dated plenty of people my family/parents disapproved of. The best thing they ever did for me was to let me figure it out on my own. Tend to not do it again if you learn your lesson the first time around. And if she's being sensitive about who she's dating since the divorce, I think saying something negative about her current partner is going to drive a huge wedge between you two.

And plenty of people don't have social media. That's not a good indicator of whether he's a creep or not. A lot of legit creeps actually have social media. Where do you think they find people to creep on?

ETA: Clarification on "creep"

Truth.

chibiyui · March 2015

If this dude is bad news bears, going to your sister and saying he's bad news bears will probably just drive her closer to him, like your parents fear. She has to figure it out herself.

Now, if she comes to you first, you can mention your reservations about this dude. But she needs to initiate it. Not you.

morphemes · March 2015

In situations like this, mentioning your feelings to your sister could just isolate her further from you. For one thing, it's not that uncommon to have no social media accounts. My BF has 0 social media accounts (not even Google+ which I thought was almost automatic with gmail these days) he just doesn't like the idea of sharing any personal information online. Maybe your sister's bf is the same way.

It sounds like you've only met this guy a couple of times. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt. It can be really, really hard to meeting your SOs family, especially in holiday situations or at weddings (or other parties) where there are tons of people and you know 1-2 of them. The first time I met my BF's family was at his cousin's wedding, he was in the wedding party and they had a head table, I was left to sit on my own with complete strangers. I was so uncomfortable that I'm sure I didn't make a wonderful impression. However, years later we all know each other well and love each other.

What I'm trying to say is that you need to let you sister figure out on her own who she wants to date. You haven't been able to articulate anything specific about him that bothers you, and if you try to explain this to your sister, it will probably come off as unnecessarily critical of her choices (especially pointing out here that she's been in relationships since she was 14--that seems like unnecessary information to share and gives this whole post the tone that you are critiquing her life choices). If there is something specific that he has done that you are uncomfortable with, you can try to find a way to communicate your concern about that, but otherwise just let her work out her own relationship. Be there to support her if/when this relationship goes south. The only people who need to understand "what she sees in him" are your sister and her BF. Just be a good sister and support her as best you can.

julieanne912 · March 2015

My stepbrother does a lot of what you mention. He's on the autism spectrum and has been diagnosed with something similar to Asperger's (I can't remember the name of what it is). He's actually a really nice and caring guy, especially one on one, but just doesn't deal well with social situations at all. He doesn't use social media because it gets him really worked up. Could something like this be what's going on with your sister's BF.... versus him being "creepy"?

plainjane0415 · March 2015

mikenberger said:

vikinganna87 said:
One of my sisters is in her late 20's. She's been in relationships since she was about 14; I've never known her to be without a boyfriend for more than a couple of months. She was married for about a year and got divorced 1.5 years ago. Everyone in my family - including me - loved the ex but we were supportive when they divorced. She felt she was too young to be married and didn't think things through beforehand.
Now she's dating a guy that she brought home for Christmas and for our wedding. He spent Christmas with us because he doesn't like being with his family for the holidays. He's a very odd creature and seems to rub everyone the wrong way. He'll blurt out inappropriate things very loudly in the middle of a conversation and seems to lack empathy and kindness. I'm pretty tolerant and have met a lot of different types of people, but this guy somehow oozes creepiness. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I simply don't want to be near him. People who sat at his table at the wedding were like WTF does your sister see in this guy? He doesn't seem like a good person.
She lives on the other side of the country and we only see each other about 4x a year. I'm concerned about this guy. I don't necessarily think he'll do her harm but I don't think he's good for her and get a sense he's hiding something. (I googled him and there's NOTHING on him anywhere in cyberspace and he has no social media accounts, which is kind of strange in 2015, right?) My parents are concerned too, but don't want to say anything (yet) because she's very sensitive - especially after the divorce - and think that if they express disapproval it'll drive her closer to him. They've been living together about 2 months.
Is there anything I can say or do? Should I try to get to know this guy better? Is there a delicate way to approach the subject without seeming pedantic or pissing her off? Or should I just hope that they eventually break up?
She's in her late twenties. She's not a child. Unless he's hitting her, stealing from her or otherwise, breaking the law in her general direction, you shouldn't say a thing. I dated plenty of people my family/parents disapproved of. The best thing they ever did for me was to let me figure it out on my own. Tend to not do it again if you learn your lesson the first time around. And if she's being sensitive about who she's dating since the divorce, I think saying something negative about her current partner is going to drive a huge wedge between you two.

And plenty of people don't have social media. That's not a good indicator of whether he's a creep or not. A lot of legit creeps actually have social media. Where do you think they find people to creep on?

ETA: Clarification on "creep"

Echo everything Mikenberger said. I would also like to add that the bolded is so very true. I dated a guy in high school that my parents absolutely without a shadow of a doubt could not stand. They tried their best to keep me from him, and all it did was make me want to be with him more. I learned on my own, after we kind of reunited after high school and as adults what a jerk he was and what my parents were seeing. I wish they would have just let me figure it out on my own.

vikinganna87 · March 2015

He could be on the autism spectrum; it's something I've considered.

I appreciate all the advice and will not bring anything up with my sister unless she asks.

As for the comment on lack of social media accounts, it's not a judgement on people who have no social media presence. I find that refreshing and have friends without any accounts. What I thought was odd that there are no results for anything online when you google his name. I guess it just seems rare.

lovegood90 · March 2015

I agree with PPs.

Also, I'd back off about being judgmental about the lack of social media accounts.

For example, I don't have any social media accounts anymore because when I graduated university I went through an extremely hard time (bad breakup which resulted in losing almost all my friends bc of mutual friends, then moved to a new city for a job where I knew no one, you get the picture). I was so depressed for months and having social media to see everything was just way too overwhelming. Now that I've moved on, I don't see the point in broadcasting my life online anymore when I interact just fine with my friends/family via phone/text/e-mail.

Point is, there are plenty of reasons why people don't have social media, and using it as a reason to back up why you think they're "off" is just stupid and rude. Sorry I know I'm projecting a lot here, but I see this attitude a lot and it pisses me off.

hellosweetie1015 · March 2015

I mean, I can't find FI. He has the blessing of anonymity through coincidentally having the same name as a famous sportsballer (or possibly more than one famous sportsballer, I can't tell).

My sister was dating a huge sack of shit 6 months ago. I came in and posted that I hated it because he was a sack of shit and he "proposed" to her (quotes because she didn't consider it a proposal, not because I'm deeming it illegitimate... although I hated him and as such totally did) and now she was over the moon with him, even though less than six weeks prior she'd told him to go fuck himself.

They broke up a little before Thanksgiving. Come to find out, all of us Douchecanoe-haters were on the Super Right end of the spectrum - homeboy would get her to drive him over to his buddy's house, she'd wait in the car for him to use his buddy's computer, and he'd come back and they'd go away. Except homeboy wasn't using the computer. He was using the meth his buddy was busily cooking.

So it always comes out that douchecanoes are douchecanoes. No reason to give your sister a reason to not come to you when she's heartbroken over a douchecanoe, so long as he's not hurting her.

MadHops21 · March 2015

My SIL's mother was dating a guy for 5+ years. We all thought he was weird and didn't like him very much. Some speculated that he worked for the government and that's why he didn't talk. He would come over with SIL's mom to family functions and holiday parties and such.

Then he died.

He had a family. A wife, still married, and kids. SIL's mom was devastated and never knew since they would spend the nights together and hung out on holidays. The mom tried reaching out to the wife, and the wife basically told her off and to never contact her family again.

Not to make you really alarmed, but I thought it was a funny story to share. They were planning on moving in together.

ETA Spelling

vikinganna87 · March 2015

I love the douchecanoe wisdom, @hellosweetie1015 - it put a smile on my face

novella1186 · March 2015

You just gotta wait this one out. If he's not a good guy for whatever reason, trust that your sister will figure it out on her own and kick him to the curb. Or, when you spend more time with him, you might find some redeeming qualities and maybe he'll grow on you (I've had that happen to me with a guy I thought I didn't like).

I can definitely sympathize. Believe it or not, my sister and I were really close for several years. She started dating a complete douche, and part of why she's being such a bitch to me is because douche is super manipulative and told her she should be mad at me. (Can't blame it completely on him because she's always been a bitch, but I never used to be her mortal enemy). Douche also has told my parents that I shouldn't be a part of the family cuz I'm not a good person. My parents basically told him to fuck off and now they don't like him either cuz they see how manipulative and toxic he is.

It sucks when he shows up at my parents' house, and it sucks worse that he seems to be fueling my sister's random inexplicable rage towards me. But my parents and I know there's not a thing we can do about it. Just gotta sit back and wait for her to dump him. Cuz she will. She always does.

ETF words

beethery · March 2015

You could always pull an SBMini and contact him directly - tell him to stop being creepy or stay away from your sister!

Your sister is a big girl with lots of dating experience. She'll figure it out. I would keep the gossip with your parents and others to a minimum. If she finds out y'all have been talking among yourselves, it'll just drive a wedge between you.

I get that you worry about her because she's your sister, but try not to let it consume you.

You are fucking killing it today!

sophhabobopha · March 2015

southernbelle0915 said:
You could always pull an SBMini and contact him directly - tell him to stop being creepy or stay away from your sister!

Your sister is a big girl with lots of dating experience. She'll figure it out. I would keep the gossip with your parents and others to a minimum. If she finds out y'all have been talking among yourselves, it'll just drive a wedge between you.

I get that you worry about her because she's your sister, but try not to let it consume you.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

beethery said:
You could always pull an SBMini and contact him directly - tell him to stop being creepy or stay away from your sister!

Your sister is a big girl with lots of dating experience. She'll figure it out. I would keep the gossip with your parents and others to a minimum. If she finds out y'all have been talking among yourselves, it'll just drive a wedge between you.

I get that you worry about her because she's your sister, but try not to let it consume you.

You are fucking killing it today!

buttercup1958 · March 2015

Yeah I wouldn't say anything. V can't be googled either, he has a common first and last name. The only thing he has online is a LinkedIn. He barely goes on that. So just keep an eye out but keep your mouth shut for the most part. I'm sure everything will be fine.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2015

Truth, thy name is @southernbelle0915

FiancB · March 2015

It's weird but I find it kind of comforting that this isn't her first rodeo. She's been divorced, so clearly she isn't afraid to kick someone to the curb for not being right for her.

I agree with PPs. We have mutual friends where the guy totally seems like a creep. H warned me about this and when we first met and he learned I trained horses he started saying weird shit about donkey shows. H wasn't too sure what to think of him at first but they ended up being really close work buddies, and this guy also somehow managed to get married. I'm certain her family had similar concerns. He sucks at first impressions.

novella1186 · March 2015

I don't put much stock in what comes up when you google someone. I apparently have a super common name (which is weird to me because I literally do not know a single person with my first name, and I've never met anyone outside of my family with my last name, but whatever).

I googled myself a couple years ago because I was curious to know what perspective employers might see if they googled me. Tons and tons of different people came up with my name, none of which were me, and some odd things came up. Very first thing in the search: My obituary. Some kid who was my age died in a car accident the week before. Total mind fuck.

levieenrose · March 2015

I have a good relationship with my sister where it would not be awkward or weird to ask about whether she wanted this person in her life for right now or for long term or to get the details on what she sees in him. You can do it without giving any appearance of misgivings or concerns and just see how she responds.

I can understand having feelers up if there is something about this person that throws you off, but all that really matters is that he works for her and she's not giving any indication of abuse. If you find out more that leads you to believe there is abuse, then you will really want to proceed carefully.

My sister's dating a CREEP

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