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When your wedding isn't your own.

My wedding is something I always looked forward to and dreamed about, but I never said that to anyone because I was afraid if I did it wouldn't happen. Now I'm getting married and my mother and I have completely different tastes. She says I have to compromise and I try but what she really means by "compromise" is agree with her. I am lucky enough to have a fiancé who wants to participate in planning the wedding, but she has completely disregarded him and his family. Anyone who has been in this situation how can this be handled without having a wedding that has nothing to do with me and my fiancé and is all about my mom.

Appreciate any advice.

Re: When your wedding isn't your own.

  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Is your mom paying?
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Pay for the wedding you can afford. If people aren't contributing financially then they don't get to force their tastes/opinions on you and you don't have to compromise.


    ashley8918
  • Nope, haven't been in this situation because we paid for everything ourselves and didn't ask for opinions or take anyone's demands.

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    ashley8918
  • We offered to pay for it and she said we were trying to completely cut her out of the wedding.
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    She is paying

    Well then, suck it up buttercup. 

    You can certainly discuss your concerns, but in the end, she gets to decide what her money buys.

    If you want a different wedding, pay for it yourself.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    We offered to pay for it and she said we were trying to completely cut her out of the wedding.

    You have a choice to make.  Have her pay for it and she cuts you and your FI out of the wedding.  If you and FI pay for the wedding then you make the choices, including whether you accept any input from your mom.  Which will make you and your FI happy?  The wedding should be a reflection of you and your FI.  Is that happening now?
    novella1186
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    My wedding is something I always looked forward to and dreamed about, but I never said that to anyone because I was afraid if I did it wouldn't happen. Now I'm getting married and my mother and I have completely different tastes. She says I have to compromise and I try but what she really means by "compromise" is agree with her. I am lucky enough to have a fiancé who wants to participate in planning the wedding, but she has completely disregarded him and his family. Anyone who has been in this situation how can this be handled without having a wedding that has nothing to do with me and my fiancé and is all about my mom.


    Appreciate any advice.
    Oh, and JIC.
    mikenbergertheycallmelinznovella1186
  • No, that's not happening now. How should I tell her we're paying for it without her thinking I'm cutting her out?
  • SmileDamnitSmileDamnit Mile High City member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    No, that's not happening now. How should I tell her we're paying for it without her thinking I'm cutting her out?

    You can certainly regain control of your own wedding planning by paying for it, but you don't & won't have control over anyone else's thinking (…reactions…feelings…). 
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    novella1186
  • You tell her you love her, and continue to include her in the getting ready hoopla. 

    You can say, Mom, These are the invitations I'm choosing between. Do you like A or B? Mom, do you think I should have blue or beige linens? Mom, we're choosing signature cocktails. Is there a favorite you'd like? 

    Give her input, give her involvement, but keep the ultimate control. Invite her along for tastings for catering or cake. That's involved. But she doesn't get to choose the caterer. 

    If she wants to be a baby and sulk, then you have to be the adult, and say, I'm sorry if you're unhappy, but this is the dress/music/venue/whatever we've decided on. 
    KatieinBklnlevioosa
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Hey I mean chances are she will still offer some money, in which case my post can come in!
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  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl Desert Oasis member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Grow a pair. A big brass pair.

    And then woman up and have a adult conversation with her.
    theartistformerlyknownasashley8918novella1186bethsmiles
  • Wow yeah Mom definitely needs to be reigned in. Good luck!

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  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    Thank you everyone for your input. We're going to pay for the wedding ourselves. Although it would be great for her to help, it would be like a floodgate. It's not just the monetary things she want's a say in she's trying to pick my bridal party. One of my younger cousins found out she wasn't going to be in it and threw a fit. My mom new she wasn't in it because I picked two cousins three friends, and my FI's 2 sisters and SIL to be fair (I'm super close with his side). She went after my FI saying how did this happen and do you really think that's right. Saying she doesn't want me to have any issues later down the road with the family and our children because I didn't pick one cousin in the bridal party and I picked a sister-in-law. She said that she's close to her in-laws too but had to exclude them from my bridal party so her nieces could be in it.


    Sooo although my FI and I are going to be dealing with comments like this regardless at least we'll be the ones make the decisions.

    Thanks again everyone.
    Yes, you probably will, but if you are paying for the wedding then you're at liberty to shut down those comments. Say, "Thank you, mom, but XYZ has already been taken care of." If she continues to push it, say, "Like we said, that's already been taken care of and the subject is closed. How's the bean dip?" It's okay to be polite but firm. Or just don't talk about wedding stuff with her.

    Weddings definitely bring out the crazy in some families and I feel your pain. Don't worry though, it will be okay and your wedding day will still be wonderful.
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  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Glad you got it worked out. I will say that even though it was difficult, it was 1000000% worth paying for our own wedding just so that we didn't have to deal with this kind of crap. In the case of my parents, they couldn't give less of a shit about decor and stuff but they would've strong-armed me into a religious wedding, which was the last  thing we wanted. 

    My friend's parents paid and her mom drove her nuts. She said that in a way she was jealous of people paying for their own wedding since they could actually plan things the way they wanted without worrying what mom would think. My friend still had a religious wedding but upon finding it would be in a museum and not a church, her mom cried. Her mom also frequently called frantically saying there was some huge emergency, and it would be about napkins or something ridiculous. I never would've pegged her mom for being that way, either. They were about ready to elope. 

    So anyway, you're not alone. Lots of us have crazy families. ha. 
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  • OP, I can totally relate. My parents try to control every aspect of my wedding (they were originally contributing a little bit, but I have since refused their contribution because of their outrageous behavior) and it's pretty damn annoying. 

    My dad is a huge narcissist and genuinely thinks everything is about him. My mom means well but she can be just a bit self-centered and over-bearing. 

    When it got to be too much, I quit talking to them. I quit involving them in plans, because if I offered to let them have input on X, they would immediately demand to take over X, Y, and Z. It wasn't worth it. 

    Since I still wanted my mom to be involved somehow and not feel bad that she was cut out, I put her "in charge" of things I didn't care much about. (Kind of in line with larrygaga's advice). I gave her free reign to choose the dessert platters and told her several times that it was a huge help to me (because any task-- even a small task-- that could be taken off my plate really was a huge help). I invited her with for dress shopping and fittings. I'd send her photos of stuff like my wedding shoes. She still got to feel involved without taking over. 

    The battle isn't done. We recently went toe to toe because she thinks she and my dad are both entitled to give big dramatic speeches at the reception. That's not happening. She threw a fit when I told her no, but I put my foot down and said "That's what FI and I have decided on. You are not hosting this wedding. This is not your wedding. We do not want speeches." The end. 

    Don't be afraid to be very straight-forward and stern with your mom. Put that foot down, and keep it down! And good luck. 
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  • FiancB said:

    <snip> She said that in a way she was jealous of people paying for their own wedding since they could actually plan things the way they wanted without worrying what mom would think. <snip>
    My friend has said the same thing. Granted, she says it in the line of "that's the difference in getting married when you're in your early 30s rather than early 20s; you have the ability to stand up for yourself." Well no, I have the MONEY to PAY up for myself. I've always had the backbone. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. ;-)

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    novella1186VulgarGirl
  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln (NO SLEEP TIL) Brooklyn! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Glad you're taking PPs advice, OP! You are correct to be worried that if you give mom an inch, she'll take a mile.

    Stick around, and you will learn myriad ways to change the subject, stand up for yourself, gracefully sidestep the drama of grown adults who act like children, and graciously host the guests you plan to invite.

    Weddings often (but not always) bring out tension between mothers and daughters. You're growing up and "leaving," which is natural and normal, but it can be tough on moms. Some handle this difficulty with more grace than others, I've found, but the good news is that you get to come out of it more mature and grown-up than you were before. Yay, adulting!
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
    novella1186
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