More FMIL woes...

augsum15 · March 2015

Obviously my FI needs to be the one to talk to her but...

FMIL has basically been inserting herself into everything wedding related since day one. Don't get me wrong, she's a wonderful woman and I appreciate her help, but it's getting to the point where she's trying to take on more than she can chew. And then has made reference to what are my parents are doing to help (they, from the beginning said, tell us what to do and we'll do it). She doesn't need to be helping with everything, and I do go to her for some help on stuff I know she's good at, but I think she needs to step back a bit because she's trying to take on too much- there's a lot to get done but she can't do it all, nor do I expect that of her in any way shape or form.

She also has a bunch of friends of hers all wanting to help set up stuff as well, which is great, but ... you know the saying, too many cooks in the kitchen. I only need 2 or 3 people to help me with setting up the reception venue! Anyways, what do we (by me I mean FI) say to her without hurting her feelings? She'll take it way too personally and she's super sensitive.

*Barbie* · March 2015

augsum15 said:
Obviously my FI needs to be the one to talk to her but...

FMIL has basically been inserting herself into everything wedding related since day one. Don't get me wrong, she's a wonderful woman and I appreciate her help, but it's getting to the point where she's trying to take on more than she can chew. And then has made reference to what are my parents are doing to help (they, from the beginning said, tell us what to do and we'll do it). She doesn't need to be helping with everything, and I do go to her for some help on stuff I know she's good at, but I think she needs to step back a bit because she's trying to take on too much- there's a lot to get done but she can't do it all, nor do I expect that of her in any way shape or form.

She also has a bunch of friends of hers all wanting to help set up stuff as well, which is great, but ... you know the saying, too many cooks in the kitchen. I only need 2 or 3 people to help me with setting up the reception venue! Anyways, what do we (by me I mean FI) say to her without hurting her feelings? She'll take it way too personally and she's super sensitive.

1) can you provide specifics? what is she doing that you asked her to do, and how is she getting involved in ways that you haven't requested? are her activities detrimental or just annoying you?

2) you don't get to determine how much another adult can handle. do you feel she's taking on too much because she isn't completing the things you've asked in a way that meets your standards? i don't understand how you're judging this.

3) depending on what needs to be done, and what type of time-table you're working with, i think that extra hands in a setup operation would be welcome. If you're not willing/able to hire professionals, and these people are guests or friends who are willing to assist, i don't know why you would be unwilling to accept their help. i'm betting there will be more to do than you realize, and it will probably take longer than you realize. I wouldn't want the extra hassle/stress of trying to set up the venue on top of all of the other pre-wedding prep and events.

augsum15 · March 2015

*Barbie* said:

show previous quotes
augsum15 said:
Obviously my FI needs to be the one to talk to her but...

FMIL has basically been inserting herself into everything wedding related since day one. Don't get me wrong, she's a wonderful woman and I appreciate her help, but it's getting to the point where she's trying to take on more than she can chew. And then has made reference to what are my parents are doing to help (they, from the beginning said, tell us what to do and we'll do it). She doesn't need to be helping with everything, and I do go to her for some help on stuff I know she's good at, but I think she needs to step back a bit because she's trying to take on too much- there's a lot to get done but she can't do it all, nor do I expect that of her in any way shape or form.

She also has a bunch of friends of hers all wanting to help set up stuff as well, which is great, but ... you know the saying, too many cooks in the kitchen. I only need 2 or 3 people to help me with setting up the reception venue! Anyways, what do we (by me I mean FI) say to her without hurting her feelings? She'll take it way too personally and she's super sensitive.
1) can you provide specifics? what is she doing that you asked her to do, and how is she getting involved in ways that you haven't requested? are her activities detrimental or just annoying you?

2) you don't get to determine how much another adult can handle. do you feel she's taking on too much because she isn't completing the things you've asked in a way that meets your standards? i don't understand how you're judging this.

3) depending on what needs to be done, and what type of time-table you're working with, i think that extra hands in a setup operation would be welcome. If you're not willing/able to hire professionals, and these people are guests or friends who are willing to assist, i don't know why you would be unwilling to accept their help. i'm betting there will be more to do than you realize, and it will probably take longer than you realize. I wouldn't want the extra hassle/stress of trying to set up the venue on top of all of the other pre-wedding prep and events.

to answer all of that...

1) I'm DIY'ing pretty much all of my decor, I say exactly how I want things, and she'll become borderline argumentative at times (once I told her I didn't want burlap table runners having any edging on them, I like (and want) the rustic/raw look of it, when I left she called my FSIL and told her I hurt her feelings, she did this behind my back, then FSIL texted FI soon after asking what I did, and then she sat there in front of us with a pouty look on her face saying she didn't want to talk about it). Anyways, it's things like that. It's not detrimental, it's too much so I guess annoying. Like I said, if I specifically want her help with something I'll let her know, and she's great, but she'll insert herself into doing things I've not asked her help with. Or I'll say my own mom is helping me with such and such, and she'll insert herself there too. And to be quite honest, I've yet to specifically ask her to do anything, because she's just volunteered to do things.

2) I don't want her doing everything, it's not fair to ask her to do everything nor is she expected to do everything, so yes I do get to determine how much she can handle. Again, as I stated she's inserting herself into everything and then starts asking what my parents are doing to help and if they're going to help do anything (which they are). That came up, because my parents are hosting a gift opening the afternoon after the wedding and she called my FI all crazy saying she didn't know anything about (I've mentioned it several times) and asking if they were gonna do anything to help clean up the hall the morning after. She's hosting the rehearsal dinner, which is great she'll be busy doing that, but she can't prepare that, and for instance, help put together the finishing touches on centerpieces and bouquets the next day, as she SPECIFICALLY told me she would need the next day to clean up (our rehearsal dinner is friday, wedding is sunday).

3) I'm an incredibly organized person, I've got everything in order, I know exactly how many people I'll need to help me and how long it's going to take to set up. We aren't having an extravagant amount of decorations, everything has to be free standing, so there's no hanging of anything, etc. You might not be the type of person who wants the "hassle/stress of trying to set up the venue", however I'm the type of person who's extremely anal retentive about things and OCD, it would stress me out more not to do it myself and depend on other people doing it for me. It really won't take more than me and, for example, my 4 bridesmaids to get it all done (they volunteered to help with setting up too, I didn't ask them).

So basically I'm thinking about FI giving her a list of things to do, saying here this is what YOU can do, the rest of the tasks have been delegated to other people. Again, it's not that I don't want her help, it's that she can't do everything.

MesmrEwe · March 2015

augsum15 said:

show previous quotes
*Barbie* said:

augsum15 said:

3) I'm an incredibly organized person, I've got everything in order, I know exactly how many people I'll need to help me and how long it's going to take to set up. We aren't having an extravagant amount of decorations, everything has to be free standing, so there's no hanging of anything, etc. You might not be the type of person who wants the "hassle/stress of trying to set up the venue", however I'm the type of person who's extremely anal retentive about things and OCD, it would stress me out more not to do it myself and depend on other people doing it for me. It really won't take more than me and, for example, my 4 bridesmaids to get it all done (they volunteered to help with setting up too, I didn't ask them).

So basically I'm thinking about FI giving her a list of things to do, saying here this is what YOU can do, the rest of the tasks have been delegated to other people. Again, it's not that I don't want her help, it's that she can't do everything.

SO basically this is what you say "FMIL I have it in my plans that I'm going to work my entire wedding instead of enjoying myself and am too much of a snot to accept help and would prefer to remember the day as having worked it instead of accepting help and relaxing.". REALLY, this is what you're setting yourself up for unless you're only having 15 wedding guests by turning help away. I thought "oh, it'll only take us a couple hours to set up" (thinking I'd have a crew of our WP - who all but three cancelled out, EIGHT HOURS LATER, it still wasn't done. I got back to my apartment at 3:30AM after throwing up my arms when had to be up at 6 to get to the church to start getting ready there because we couldn't do anything there until the morning of. Moral of the story - put your pride and OCD aside and accept the help!!! You'll thank yourself at 6PM when you're sitting down to eat and not work at your reception. So they set something up less than how you want it, just tell your FMIL to get it penciled in and you'll come through and do the final placement/touchup. NEVER turn away free help no matter how obnoxious you think it may be now, many hands makes the work light!

*Barbie* · March 2015

ok, so you have control issues.

it doesn't sound like she has actually *done* anything other than annoying you by offering to help

to answer the question: "MIL, I appreciate the offer for assistance, but I have it under control. My OCD won't let me accept help from anyone, and you're never going to meet my expectations." Then stop talking about your wedding with your MIL - change the subject or walk away.

Also, I'd recommend not asking her to do anything. I'm betting no matter what, she's not going to do things to your liking, and you'll just end up re-doing it.

MesmrEwe · March 2015

*Barbie* said:
ok, so you have control issues.

Also, I'd recommend not asking her to do anything. I'm betting no matter what, she's not going to do things to your liking, and you'll just end up re-doing it.

She could be Martha's spawn and I think that'd be the case!

Knottie89023321 · March 2015

I understand your dilemma OP. My daughter is DIYing her wedding and she has everything planned out. She is very artistic and a bit OCD, and since she and FI are paying for the wedding she feels that most of the responsibility is on them.

Like you said earlier, there are things that she can do and do well. Encourage her to help with these things or ask her if she would like to be in charge of this or that task . Don't discuss what your parents are doing to help.

mrsconn23 · March 2015

Knottie89023321 said:
I understand your dilemma OP. My daughter is DIYing her wedding and she has everything planned out. She is very artistic and a bit OCD, and since she and FI are paying for the wedding she feels that most of the responsibility is on them.

Like you said earlier, there are things that she can do and do well. Encourage her to help with these things or ask her if she would like to be in charge of this or that task . Don't discuss what your parents are doing to help.

No one can be 'a bit OCD'. Just like you can't have a 'little cancer'. It's a serious disease and being organized/high strung =/= OCD

Heffalump · March 2015

mrs.conn23 said:

show previous quotes
Knottie89023321 said:
I understand your dilemma OP. My daughter is DIYing her wedding and she has everything planned out. She is very artistic and a bit OCD, and since she and FI are paying for the wedding she feels that most of the responsibility is on them.

Like you said earlier, there are things that she can do and do well. Encourage her to help with these things or ask her if she would like to be in charge of this or that task . Don't discuss what your parents are doing to help.
No one can be 'a bit OCD'. Just like you can't have a 'little cancer'. It's a serious disease and being organized/high strung =/= OCD

mrs.conn, you took the words right out of my mouth. OCD =/= control freak, either.

OP, have a drink or three.

Also, you sound like you just don't like your MIL. No matter what she does, it's wrong in your eyes. Which, fine, you don't like her, just own it. Don't try to play it off like "Oh, I'm just looking out for her because she's trying to do too much, it's not fair to her" when she plainly wants to do all this.

Totally fine if you don't want her to do everything (or anything), but use your words. And this is the second post in 24 hrs where this should be a FI/MIL conversation, not a DIL/MIL one. So have your FI use his words, too. It worked for the last one, it can work for you, too.

AuntFlo · March 2015

Heffalump said:

show previous quotes
mrs.conn23 said:

Knottie89023321 said:
I understand your dilemma OP. My daughter is DIYing her wedding and she has everything planned out. She is very artistic and a bit OCD, and since she and FI are paying for the wedding she feels that most of the responsibility is on them.

Like you said earlier, there are things that she can do and do well. Encourage her to help with these things or ask her if she would like to be in charge of this or that task . Don't discuss what your parents are doing to help.
No one can be 'a bit OCD'. Just like you can't have a 'little cancer'. It's a serious disease and being organized/high strung =/= OCD
mrs.conn, you took the words right out of my mouth. OCD =/= control freak, either.

OP, have a drink or three.

Also, you sound like you just don't like your MIL. No matter what she does, it's wrong in your eyes. Which, fine, you don't like her, just own it. Don't try to play it off like "Oh, I'm just looking out for her because she's trying to do too much, it's not fair to her" when she plainly wants to do all this.

Totally fine if you don't want her to do everything (or anything), but use your words. And this is the second post in 24 hrs where this should be a FI/MIL conversation, not a DIL/MIL one. So have your FI use his words, too. It worked for the last one, it can work for you, too.

Agreed. I have to say, and I mean this in the most loving way, that you sound very young and maybe a little immature. Part of being grown up is accepting help, accepting that things can't/won't ever be perfect, managing the people and relationships in your life, navigating situations like this.

You have to understand, it's likely that when your MIL and her friends were getting married, it was necessary for everyone to pitch in and help with set up, decorating, clean up, food, etc. The wedding industry wasn't an "industry" yet... A wedding was a community collaboration. A "DIY" wedding wasn't a thing, it was just a wedding. There were no day of coordinators, no schedules for the day planned down to the minute, no lists of must take pictures for the photographer, no quest for absolute perfection, no Knot...

So chill out, let her and her friends help, enjoy the time planning with your family (new and old) and friends, and enjoy your wedding day.

ETA: (because this sounded way too puppys and rainbows for me) enjoy you're wedding day because it's all down hill after that.

Marriage is AWESOME! <<<----sarcasm

NOLABridesmaid · March 2015

Flo, you are so right.

My mom got married in 1967 and she said they had finger sandwiches, cake and punch, but she also had the big dress and tea cup veil. I also think that guests expect more now too. I'm sure their guests knew punch and sandwiches was all they were eating because it was the norm.

karinaesco24 · March 2015

Listen to Heffalump! It literally took a 2 min. conversation between my FI and MIL to resolve my issues. She had to hear it directly from her son (even though I, my friend and her other son had already said something) in order to get the message. Definitely use your words and definitely have that drink!

augsum15 · March 2015

I think a few people have misunderstood, I don't dislike FMIL, I love her very much; however she tends to take on more than she can handle (and this is in every day life), she very much wants to be involved in everything that goes on and sometimes I feel it doesn't work out well for her. I don't not want her help, I just don't want her to get stressed out when she doesn't need to. Maybe I worded some things poorly, I do that sometimes. And I'm not young, I'm almost 28, but that's neither here nor there. I'm also not not accepting help. There's a lot to get done, I understand that, I'm not doing *everything* myself, I mentioned FMIL is helping, parents are helping, friends are helping etc. It's that she's placing herself in things that overlap with each other so it's basically impossible for her to be at every location doing something at the same time. I limited, for instance, decorations and such so that everything could be as simple as possible, because I didn't want to have to stress out.

Part of the reason this kind of came up, is *because* I wasn't discussing what my parents were doing as someone mentioned, so she got in a bit of a tizzy over thinking she was going to have to set up the hall and take it all down with no help from my family. I'm not a control freak, I just believe that no one should have to take on everything themselves. It's not fair for me to do nothing, and her to do everything. Again I love that people are helping, but everyone can't be everywhere at the same time.

Regardless we had a conversation about people who had volunteered to help, I let her know I was going to work out what things had to be done so that all of the tasks people are wanting to help with could be distributed evenly. She agreed and everything is fine. Thank you to the people who understand and have been there, I'm sure you get where I'm coming from.

kerbohl · March 2015

I think I get where you are coming from OP - my MIL definitely went overboard with a few things and kept trying to insert herself in wedding planning. I was able to nip it in the bud early (and had the joys of doing a lot of wedding planning overseas), and let her do some things I deemed unnecessary but mattered to her. It did sort of get me miffed when she just decided to order tons of food for inbetween the ceremony and reception when I had already delegated someone for that, and then complained later about my family not doing enough to help us (they did more than enough, but it was behind the scenes). Oh, and also thanked her hairdresser for doing everyone's hair in her wedding speech when said hairdresser only did her and my SIL's hair. Made me feel like a heel for not thanking my hairdresser in my speech because she did an awesome job and was not acknowledged . . . But I survived, and so will you. I don't know if it applies to you, but my MIL is very used to being in control of everything and had a hard time adjusting to the fact that her son and his future wife were very capable of successfully organizing a wedding with minimal help from her.

tawillers · March 2015

kerbohl said:
Oh, and also thanked her hairdresser for doing everyone's hair in her wedding speech when said hairdresser only did her and my SIL's hair. Made me feel like a heel for not thanking my hairdresser in my speech because she did an awesome job and was not acknowledged . . .

??? What? I have never heard a "thank the vendor" speech. Don't feel bad for not doing something that's completely weird.

Also, were your hairdressers at your wedding? I guess it's not odd if you are friends outside of getting your hair done.

augsum15 · March 2015

kerbohl said:
I think I get where you are coming from OP - my MIL definitely went overboard with a few things and kept trying to insert herself in wedding planning. I was able to nip it in the bud early (and had the joys of doing a lot of wedding planning overseas), and let her do some things I deemed unnecessary but mattered to her. It did sort of get me miffed when she just decided to order tons of food for inbetween the ceremony and reception when I had already delegated someone for that, and then complained later about my family not doing enough to help us (they did more than enough, but it was behind the scenes). Oh, and also thanked her hairdresser for doing everyone's hair in her wedding speech when said hairdresser only did her and my SIL's hair. Made me feel like a heel for not thanking my hairdresser in my speech because she did an awesome job and was not acknowledged . . . But I survived, and so will you. I don't know if it applies to you, but my MIL is very used to being in control of everything and had a hard time adjusting to the fact that her son and his future wife were very capable of successfully organizing a wedding with minimal help from her.

Yeah she's a busy lady and likes to take over, like I said early in general day to day too.

Funny thing too, I'm paying to have mine and my BMs hair done, except one which is my FSIL so she and FMIL are having someone else do their hair... now I'm wondering if she'll do that too... although she doesn't even wanna do a speech, which I find terribly odd considering. I know I'll survive! I'm glad I'm not the only one having this happen though, not that I would ever wish it upon anybody. Thanks

kerbohl · March 2015

@tawillers The person who did my hair was a former co-worker, and my former boss (under who we both worked) was there and knew that she had done my hair. I don't think they would have said anything, but I still cringed.

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