Help: A friend assumes she's part of our wedding party when she's not

emmerly · March 2015

I consider this to be partially my fault but here's the deal:

Almost a year ago, some friends and I were hanging out. My now fiance and I had just had the marriage talk (EDIT: as in we both wanted to get married and saw it in our future) so the group was abuzz with hypothetical wedding planning. I had listed off a few people I thought might be in my wedding party. She was one of the potentials on that list.

Fast forward to today:

I have seen this person twice in the past year (her mother's funeral and a game night at our apartment) and have only had a conversation with them on two other occasion through text - once when her dog ran away and when she told me her mother had passed away. I know she'd had a rough year but I feel we've drifted apart. I'm moving to another country this summer for my PhD and will be having to planning my wedding from a distance.

Because we are moving and have recently gotten engaged we wanted to throw a party to see everyone. I sent her an invite on Facebook along with a dozen or so other people. She texted my roommate about the party and said that she was busy that day but she was trying to rework her schedule because she feels obligated to go since she's in the wedding party. She texted me this morning to say that shes coming.

The party is tomorrow. What should I do?

My fiance and I have discussed the wedding party a bit and we both agreed that she won't be in it, as she has been distant, inconsistent in supporting our relationship, and has slept with one of my fiance's best friends (he thought it was casual; she didn't - there's major awkwardness between them). Besides we want to keep the number of BMs & GMs equal, and he's struggling to come up with 5 (the current number on my list: my 4 closest friends and his sister).

Clarifications:

-I was not engaged when my friends & I were talking hypotheticals
-I don't care who she has sex with as long as she doesn't get upset with me for other people's actions and relationships (which she did get upset).

-She has been unsupportive in the sense of questioning if we were right for each other & thinking we were moving too fast/telling us how we should handle our relationship.

lovegood90 · March 2015

emmerly said:
I consider this to be partially my fault but here's the deal:

Almost a year ago, some friends and I were hanging out. My now fiance and I had just had the marriage talk so the group was abuzz with hypothetical wedding planning. I had listed off a few people I thought might be in my wedding party. She was one of the potentials on that list.

Fast forward to today:
I have seen this person twice in the past year (her mother's funeral and a game night at our apartment) and have only had a conversation with them on two other occasion through text - once when her dog ran away and when she told me her mother had passed away. I know she'd had a rough year but I feel we've drifted apart. I'm moving to another country this summer for my PhD and will be having to planning my wedding from a distance.
Because we are moving and have recently gotten engaged we wanted to throw a party to see everyone. I sent her an invite on Facebook along with a dozen or so other people. She texted my roommate about the party and said that she was busy that day but she was trying to rework her schedule because she feels obligated to go since she's in the wedding party. She texted me this morning to say that shes coming.

The party is tomorrow. What should I do?

My fiance and I have discussed the wedding party a bit and we both agreed that she won't be in it, as she has been distant, inconsistent in supporting our relationship, and has slept with one of my fiance's best friends (he thought it was casual; she didn't - there's major awkwardness between them). Besides we want to keep the number of BMs & GMs equal, and he's struggling to come up with 5 (the current number on my list: my 4 closest friends and his sister).

Sorry, but it looks like you told her she was in your wedding party. You said you "listed her" as one of them, right in front of her...that's a bit different than being "partially" your fault as you said originally...you very blatantly told her she was in your wedding party. There is no polite way to kick her out unless you don't care and are prepared to end the friendship.

As for the other details about her being unsupportive of your relationship- like what? Can you be more specific here? Also what does her being involved with your FI's friend have to do with your friendship with her? That is between her and your FI's friend and is none of your business.

ETA: Why do you care so much if the wedding party is even? This absolutely does not matter and is so silly to worry about.

levioosa · March 2015

emmerly said:
I consider this to be partially my fault but here's the deal:

Almost a year ago, some friends and I were hanging out. My now fiance and I had just had the marriage talk so the group was abuzz with hypothetical wedding planning. I had listed off a few people I thought might be in my wedding party. She was one of the potentials on that list.

Fast forward to today:
I have seen this person twice in the past year (her mother's funeral and a game night at our apartment) and have only had a conversation with them on two other occasion through text - once when her dog ran away and when she told me her mother had passed away. I know she'd had a rough year but I feel we've drifted apart. I'm moving to another country this summer for my PhD and will be having to planning my wedding from a distance.
Because we are moving and have recently gotten engaged we wanted to throw a party to see everyone. I sent her an invite on Facebook along with a dozen or so other people. She texted my roommate about the party and said that she was busy that day but she was trying to rework her schedule because she feels obligated to go since she's in the wedding party. She texted me this morning to say that shes coming.

The party is tomorrow. What should I do?

My fiance and I have discussed the wedding party a bit and we both agreed that she won't be in it, as she has been distant, inconsistent in supporting our relationship, and has slept with one of my fiance's best friends (he thought it was casual; she didn't - there's major awkwardness between them). Besides we want to keep the number of BMs & GMs equal, and he's struggling to come up with 5 (the current number on my list: my 4 closest friends and his sister).

First of all, the numbers don't have to be equal, and there are no "duties." The only duties of a WP member is to show up on time, sober, in the right attire and in good spirits on the day of the wedding. If you are closer to more than four people, ask those people. If your FI is only close to two people, then that's completely fine. Asking people to make equal sides turns them into a pity invite. It's always obvious, and it's very hurtful.

Secondly, you can't throw your own engagement party. It's rude. If someone wants to plan one for you, that's fine, but you can't throw one for yourselves. You most definitely can have a "going away party" though. Just don't make it about the wedding. If someone does throw you an engagement party, everyone invited must also be invited to the wedding.

I'm not sure why you were openly speculating your WP, but that ship has sailed and now you have to deal with the consequences. Was she present when you were speculating? Or did she hear it from a third party? Do you want to maintain a friendship with this girl? Kicking her out is a friendship ending move.

ETA: I would leave her in. It sounds like you talked about her being in the WP in front of her, and she only has to show up at the wedding on time anyways. She also sounds like she's had a hard year. When is the last time YOU reached out to HER?

Pellegcm · March 2015

emmerly said:

Almost a year ago, some friends and I were hanging out. My now fiance and I had just had the marriage talk so the group was abuzz with hypothetical wedding planning. I had listed off a few people I thought might be in my wedding party. She was one of the potentials on that list.

This is REALLY weird to me. And borderline tacky and across the line hurtful. People talk. If she was on this list that you stated in front of friends (whether or not she was in the room), that's as good as asking her. I think you're stuck.

What do I think you should do? Suck it up buttercup.

Dreamergirl8812 · March 2015

emmerly said:
I consider this to be partially my fault but here's the deal:

Almost a year ago, some friends and I were hanging out. My now fiance and I had just had the marriage talk so the group was abuzz with hypothetical wedding planning. I had listed off a few people I thought might be in my wedding party. She was one of the potentials on that list.

Fast forward to today:
I have seen this person twice in the past year (her mother's funeral and a game night at our apartment) and have only had a conversation with them on two other occasion through text - once when her dog ran away and when she told me her mother had passed away. I know she'd had a rough year but I feel we've drifted apart. I'm moving to another country this summer for my PhD and will be having to planning my wedding from a distance.
Because we are moving and have recently gotten engaged we wanted to throw a party to see everyone. I sent her an invite on Facebook along with a dozen or so other people. She texted my roommate about the party and said that she was busy that day but she was trying to rework her schedule because she feels obligated to go since she's in the wedding party. She texted me this morning to say that shes coming.

The party is tomorrow. What should I do?

My fiance and I have discussed the wedding party a bit and we both agreed that she won't be in it, as she has been distant, inconsistent in supporting our relationship, and has slept with one of my fiance's best friends (he thought it was casual; she didn't - there's major awkwardness between them). Besides we want to keep the number of BMs & GMs equal, and he's struggling to come up with 5 (the current number on my list: my 4 closest friends and his sister).

Your FI has no say in who you choose to stand on your side when you get married. Just like you get no say in who he chooses for his side. Also, the even sides thing is ridiculous. The wedding party should be made up of people you want to honor; they are not photo props.

Also, what your "friend" does with her vagina is none of your business. I can't believe someone would shun a woman from a bridal party because she fucked the groom's friend. Really?!

Anyway, if you don't want to honor this "friend," don't have her in the WP. Since you implied that she would be in wedding party, I'm not really sure how to let her know that you don't think you're very good friends anymore. Maybe other posters will have advice.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

emmerly said:
I consider this to be partially my fault but here's the deal:

Almost a year ago, some friends and I were hanging out. My now fiance and I had just had the marriage talk so the group was abuzz with hypothetical wedding planning. I had listed off a few people I thought might be in my wedding party. She was one of the potentials on that list.

Fast forward to today:
I have seen this person twice in the past year (her mother's funeral and a game night at our apartment) and have only had a conversation with them on two other occasion through text - once when her dog ran away and when she told me her mother had passed away. I know she'd had a rough year but I feel we've drifted apart. I'm moving to another country this summer for my PhD and will be having to planning my wedding from a distance.
Because we are moving and have recently gotten engaged we wanted to throw a party to see everyone. I sent her an invite on Facebook along with a dozen or so other people. She texted my roommate about the party and said that she was busy that day but she was trying to rework her schedule because she feels obligated to go since she's in the wedding party. She texted me this morning to say that shes coming.

The party is tomorrow. What should I do?

My fiance and I have discussed the wedding party a bit and we both agreed that she won't be in it, as she has been distant, inconsistent in supporting our relationship, and has slept with one of my fiance's best friends (he thought it was casual; she didn't - there's major awkwardness between them). Besides we want to keep the number of BMs & GMs equal, and he's struggling to come up with 5 (the current number on my list: my 4 closest friends and his sister).

So, if I understand, you were speculating about who MIGHT be in your wedding party IF and when your boyfriend every proposed to you. One of those conversations like, "If I got married tomorrow Joan would be my maid of honor, and Sue and Alice would be bridesmaids. They'd all dress in short purple dresses with white bouquets. Oh, but if it was ACTUALLY tomorrow, that wouldn't work because it's supposed to get down to 40 degrees tomorrow so let's change that up to long ruby gowns. Yeah, that sounds good." Then several months later your boyfriend became your fiance and you started actually having to think about these things.

How far out from your wedding are we? Because you shouldn't choose your wedding party any farther out than 9 months. I'd call this girl up and tell her that you heard from a friend that she was changing up her schedule because she felt obligated to attend a party due to her being in your wedding party. But that you haven't decided on a wedding party yet as it's WAY too soon, and may not even have any bridesmaids at all. But a conversation a year ago about a hypothetical wedding is not a binding agreement to be in a wedding.

Besides, we say that "kicking out" a bridesmaid is a friendship-ending move, but you don't seem to be too close to this girl anyway. So maybe that would just seal the deal on the end of the friendship.

Kahlyla · March 2015

Besides we want to keep the number of BMs & GMs equal, and he's
struggling to come up with 5 (the current number on my list: my 4
closest friends and his sister).

I agree with what other PPs have said, plus re: above - if you really want the sides to be even (and they in no way have to be), why doesn't your fiancé just ask his sister to stand up with him? There's no need to divide along gender lines. My husband had his brother and sister in his wedding party, and I had my brother (and my best friend, a man) in mine. I would have felt very strange asking his sister to be a bridesmaid just because she has a vagina - even if we were close, they were closer, after all.

thisismynickname2 · March 2015

Dreamergirl8812 said:

Also, what your "friend" does with her vagina is none of your business. I can't believe someone would shun a woman from a bridal party because she fucked the groom's friend. Really?!

Hah, if this was a rule, I wouldn't be a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding. Whoopsie-daisy!

If I were you, I'd move forward as though she's in the wedding party. Uneven parties are no biggie and I daresay quite fashionable these days, along with mismatched dresses.

Also: Why not try to rekindle the friendship?

emmerly · March 2015

I don't care who she has sex with. However when she got mad at me when the guy got into a relationship with one of my best friends (and still is with this girl), it became problematic - Thus the awkwardness.

We've been drifting apart for a year and a half. We've only known each other for 3 years. The wedding date is 2.5 years away as I am moving to another country for my PhD.

I know she's had a rough year I've reached out several times and she was unresponsive.

I feel like we've drifted apart and after 2.5 years we will be completely estranged.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

emmerly said:
I don't care who she has sex with. However when she got mad at me when the guy got into a relationship with one of my best friends (and still is with this girl), it became problematic - Thus the awkwardness.

We've been drifting apart for a year and a half. We've only known each other for 3 years. The wedding date is 2.5 years away as I am moving to another country for my PhD.

I know she's had a rough year I've reached out several times and she was unresponsive.

I feel like we've drifted apart and after 2.5 years we will be completely estranged.

So, I was right. It's WAAAAAAAAAY too early to be choosing bridesmaids. So, at this party, when this friend is listening, tell another friend that you're about a year away from deciding if you're even going to HAVE bridesmaids, let alone deciding who they'll be. Laugh about it. "Hahaha, so glad we have two and a half years to plan this wedding. We can save up money, decide how many guests we can have, decide if we want to have a wedding party or just let all our friends attend as guests. My nephew will be five by then, maybe he'll be the ringbearer, or maybe the only people walking down the aisle will be me and my dad. Sooo much time! Hahaha."

redoryx · March 2015

emmerly said:
I don't care who she has sex with. However when she got mad at me when the guy got into a relationship with one of my best friends (and still is with this girl), it became problematic - Thus the awkwardness.

We've been drifting apart for a year and a half. We've only known each other for 3 years. The wedding date is 2.5 years away as I am moving to another country for my PhD.

I know she's had a rough year I've reached out several times and she was unresponsive.

I feel like we've drifted apart and after 2.5 years we will be completely estranged.

Yeah, so you and your FI shouldn't be talking about the wedding party AT ALL yet. That's way, way, way too early to have anybody picked out. On the plus side that means you can easily duck out of this and just tell her that since the wedding is so far away you haven't even thought about the wedding party yet, let alone selected anyone.

Pellegcm · March 2015

So now I'm thinking I read this wrong; OP, were you engaged when you had this hypothetical conversation or not? If you weren't, then you can brush off her assumption that she is in your wedding party. Otherwise, I stand by my original point.

This is why I should not Wine & Knot....

emmerly · March 2015

Pellegcm said:
So now I'm thinking I read this wrong; OP, were you engaged when you had this hypothetical conversation or not? If you weren't, then you can brush off her assumption that she is in your wedding party. Otherwise, I stand by my original point.

This is why I should not Wine & Knot....

We were not engaged when the hypotheticals were talked about. We had just had a conversation about both wanting to get married and how we thought maybe that was in our future. About a year later we got engaged.

ohannabelle · March 2015

If the wedding is 2.5 years away, here's what you should do.

Nothing.

It's way too soon to even discuss wedding party members.

In the next two years, anything could happen. She might move to Ouagadougou, the Fiancé's best friend might decide he hates all of you, you might decide to elope, a million things might happen in 2.5 years. It's just silly to even think about it.

huskypuppy14 · March 2015

If you were not engaged when you were having this "who will be in my hypothetical wedding party" conversation, then you are not obligated to have her in the wedding party.

However, anyone invited to a pre wedding party (ie. and engagement party) needs to be invited to the wedding.

jacques27 · March 2015

I totally think you should just have it out with her right now. And when you do, make sure you tell her "Yeah, you're not going to be in wedding party because I looked in my crystal ball and we're totally not even going to be friends in 2.5 years anyway. See ya."

And yeah, you've drifted apart because presumably you've been busy with school and hypothetical wedding planning where you tell people they'll be in your imaginary wedding and she's been busy grieving her dead mother and doing whatever else life requires, like work or school. That's how life works - you don't have the same amount of time to spend with each other. I guess my first instinct when people are grieving and then don't spend time with people like they used to is to make sure they aren't suffering from more than grief reaction - not think that they haven't spent enough time with me to be in my wedding party anymore.

But that's neither here nor there because you are flying monkeys and hovercrafts away from the point where you should even be thinking about picking your wedding party. So, let it lie for now. If she asks about it when you see her at the party, feel appropriately embarrassed for having made such grandiose plans for an imaginary wedding a year ago and just say "You know, now that we're actually engaged, I don't know what we're doing with the wedding yet - it's so far off and I have to worry about my Ph.D. first." Or something similar... And then 9-12 months before your wedding, start picking out a wedding party. If your crystal ball was right and you're not even friends anymore, then your problem just resolved itself.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2015

Eeeeeks, agree with PPs, slow your roll!

The party is today, right? Probably too late to fix the whole rearranged schedule thing. Just do as PPs said and mention (casually but loudly) at the party that this whole wedding checklist is super long and you're glad you don't have to make any decisions for a year and a half. IF ANYONE SPECULATES WHO YOUR WP SHOULD BE, offer them some of this delicious bean dip.

mikenberger · March 2015

Ditto all the PPs. Stop creating drama where there need be none because your wedding is over two years away. A lot can happen in two days, two months, two years. Slow your roll.

mollybarker11 · March 2015

emmerly said:
She texted my roommate about the party and said that she was busy that day but she was trying to rework her schedule because she feels obligated to go since she's in the wedding party.

It may be weird that she took your hypothetical wedding chit-chat as gospel (although I don't know how serious you sounded at the time so maybe it's not so weird), but since she hasn't actually mentioned anything about it to you I think you're making this out to be a bigger deal than it is.

PPs' suggestion of making it clear you have no set plans for the wedding yet is a great idea. A reasonable person would either get the hint or get confirmation from you at some point. There's no need to approach her with, "Hey btw you aren't actually gonna be a bridesmaid that was just pretend." Especially since your wedding is sooo far off and it's waaay too early to talk to anyone about the WP.

However, if more of your friends / roommates tell you that she told them that you told her that she's in your wedding party, you will need to reach out to her with that awkward conversation so she's not left in limbo for the next two-and-a-half years.

aphrodite0869 · March 2015

If your wedding is 2 and a half years away, you should be honest with her or just let it ride. You said you haven't talked to this girl much in the last few years even when you have made the effort? If you haven't talked much you probably won't in the next 2 and a half years if you move to a different country. At that point she may just know.

The best thing is to always be honest with people. You were talking hypothetically with your friends because you were not engaged. If you feel as if you can't be honest with her without her being upset, just tell her that 2 and a half years is a long time and a lot can happen. The other 5 you have may change when you meet new people over seas. I made this mistake also. I had people who were my bridesmaids when I first got engaged 2 years ago. One, I had a falling out with, One moved and fell of the planet, and one moved and we dont' communicate very much. I tried to reach out to her and she never' responded so it was never brought up again. Even though 2 of them I still talk to, neither one of them has asked about anything information about the wedding. if they did, I would just be honest with them.

Good luck. This sounds lke a hard situation

Help: A friend assumes she's part of our wedding party when she's not

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