Should I have picked her as a bridesmaid?

Re: Should I have picked her as a bridesmaid?

• mikenberger member

  

  March 2015

  Knottie64226258 said:

  My cousin and I are pretty close, most people first think we are good friends before finding out we are related. She actually introduced me to my fiancé.
  I got engaged in October and had a difficult time choosing my bridesmaids. I wanted a small amount (settled on 3) and I wanted to choose people that wouldn't stress me out (I have anxiety disorder) and would just make the whole process fun and enjoyable. I chose my best friend since kindergarten and my sister. For the third, I was considering choosing my cousin, but before I said anything to her I started to change my mind.
  My cousin just got engaged after Christmas, but back in October/November when I was making this decision, my cousin was not being supportive at all. Whenever I would bring up anything wedding related, she would ignore it and start talking about her wedding planning (not yet being engaged).
  The problem is, she has asked me to be a bridesmaid for her wedding (she has a total of 6). She also planned her wedding to be 2 weeks after mine (my date was already announced, her wedding is at a family home, not a venue).
  I'm just generally fed up with her at this point. I know she is getting married too, but she barely acknowledges that I am. I feel rude for not choosing her, but I am really happy about who I chose instead. Should I add her as a fourth, or am I ok in just asking her to attend?

  "I don't feel like she's a very good friend to me, but should I add her in my bridal party?"

  
  

  What? No. On what planet does that make sense? You do not have to put her in your bridal party. Sounds like it would be a disastrous choice.

  
  

  On the other hand though: Nobody will be as excited about your wedding as you are. So don't expect people to freak out with happiness over talking about it.

  
  

  
  

  Report5 Reply
• Maggie0829 member

  

  March 2015

  Knottie64226258 said:

  My cousin and I are pretty close, most people first think we are good friends before finding out we are related. She actually introduced me to my fiancé.
  I got engaged in October and had a difficult time choosing my bridesmaids. I wanted a small amount (settled on 3) and I wanted to choose people that wouldn't stress me out (I have anxiety disorder) and would just make the whole process fun and enjoyable. I chose my best friend since kindergarten and my sister. For the third, I was considering choosing my cousin, but before I said anything to her I started to change my mind.
  My cousin just got engaged after Christmas, but back in October/November when I was making this decision, my cousin was not being supportive at all. Whenever I would bring up anything wedding related, she would ignore it and start talking about her wedding planning (not yet being engaged).
  The problem is, she has asked me to be a bridesmaid for her wedding (she has a total of 6). She also planned her wedding to be 2 weeks after mine (my date was already announced, her wedding is at a family home, not a venue).
  I'm just generally fed up with her at this point. I know she is getting married too, but she barely acknowledges that I am. I feel rude for not choosing her, but I am really happy about who I chose instead. Should I add her as a fourth, or am I ok in just asking her to attend?

  Her wedding is more important to her then yours is.  Period.  The fact that she picked a date 2 weeks after yours or that she doesn't want to talk about your wedding with you doesn't make her a bad friend/cousin.

  
  

  At this point I would not ask her to be BM because 1) you obviously don't want to and 2) it will just come off as you asking only because she asked you to be in hers.

  
  

  Report2 Reply
• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  March 2015

  The fact that she got engaged in December, that her wedding is 2 weeks after yours, the fact that she's not interested in talking about your wedding, etc.. none of that matters.

  
  

  Do you feel close enough to her to ask her to stand up for you? Will you regret it if you don't? If you answered yes to both questions, then ask her. If no, then don't ask her. 

  
  

  Try not to make things more dramatic than they have to be. It'll really complicate things. 

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

  Report3 Reply
• climbingsingle member

  

  March 2015

  You clearly don't seem to like her, so why would you ask her to be in your wedding party?

  
  

  Also, your wedding is never going to be as important to other people as it is to you. 

  
  

  And, so what if she's getting married 2 weeks after you? My cousin got married 3 weeks before me. No big deal. The world didn't end, and we both got married! Shocking, I know. 

  Report0 Reply
• ChemFanatic25 member

  

  March 2015

  Boy you really can't be that close to her if you are ready to write her off as not caring about you and your wedding. Like your past went from "we're so close people think we're best friends" to "she doesn't care about me or my wedding" in 60 secs. I don't think you want her as a BM (for whatever reason) so I wouldn't ask her.

  

  Report0 Reply
• ShesSoCold mod

  

  March 2015

  If your reasons for not wanting her as a BM are: A. She's not fawning over me and my wedding, B. Her date is near mine, or C. She got engaged during the time I got engaged, then you need to get over yourself. You're making drama when there is none and you should be happy for her. 

  
  

  Report2 Reply
• drunkenwitch member

  

  March 2015

  So...you're complaining because your cousin only when to talk about herself when she should have only been talking about you?

  Well, you should cut that bitch off, HOW DARE SHE want to talk about something besides you? Everyone knows from the moment of engagement to the end of the honeymoon the wedding and the bride should be the only topic of conversation ever.

  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• JellyBean52513 member

  

  March 2015

  Knottie64226258 said:

  My cousin and I are pretty close, most people first think we are good friends before finding out we are related. She actually introduced me to my fiancé.
  I got engaged in October and had a difficult time choosing my bridesmaids. I wanted a small amount (settled on 3) and I wanted to choose people that wouldn't stress me out (I have anxiety disorder) and would just make the whole process fun and enjoyable. I chose my best friend since kindergarten and my sister. For the third, I was considering choosing my cousin, but before I said anything to her I started to change my mind.
  My cousin just got engaged after Christmas, but back in October/November when I was making this decision, my cousin was not being supportive at all. Whenever I would bring up anything wedding related, she would ignore it and start talking about her wedding planning (not yet being engaged).
  The problem is, she has asked me to be a bridesmaid for her wedding (she has a total of 6). She also planned her wedding to be 2 weeks after mine (my date was already announced, her wedding is at a family home, not a venue).
  I'm just generally fed up with her at this point. I know she is getting married too, but she barely acknowledges that I am. I feel rude for not choosing her, but I am really happy about who I chose instead. Should I add her as a fourth, or am I ok in just asking her to attend?

  To the bolded: why did you mention where her wedding is being held? It sounds like you brought it up as a way of saying "My date was already announced and since her wedding is being held at a family home instead of a venue, she has no contractual obligations right now and should move her date to a later time." If this is the case, you definitely need to get over it because you get one day, not 2 weeks, and not a day within a specific time span after your wedding day. If this isn't the case, please feel free to correct me.

  
  

  I think you should re-evaluate how you truly feel about this situation before you make a firm decision one way or the other. Maybe after you take a step back and consider the fact that you might be overreacting, you'll realize how important it is to you to have your cousin there beside you as a bridesmaid. Maybe, since you said yourself that you get anxiety very easily, you'll realize that it's best if she attends your wedding as a guest because it will be too overwhelming to be so involved with each other's weddings. 

  
  

  Just take a deep breath and try to consider what everyone here has said: no one will be as excited for your wedding as you are. Hey, for all you know, your cousin could be ranting to someone right now about how you guys were always really close and now you just don't seem to care that she's engaged and getting married. People tend to get really self-absorbed when it comes to weddings. Try to rise above it and try not to fall into that trap.

  Report0 Reply
• FutureMrsKristinOtto member

  

  March 2015

  @ShesSoCold @drunkenwitch @JellyBean52513
  I think you guys are misunderstanding what I'm saying, so I just wanted to clarify. I'm NOT upset because she's not obsessing about my wedding. I AM upset because, until a few weeks ago, our conversations would go like this:
  Her: "What did you do this weekend?"
  Me: "Well I had a cake tasting appointment and..."
  Her: "Oh my gosh did I tell you what so-and-so said to me the other day"
  
  It's not that she wasn't obsessing over my wedding, it was that she was literally completely ignoring that it was happening. She did this not just to me, but to my fiancé, roommate, other friends, family, etc. I don't even want to obsess about my wedding to her, but planning it is part of my life for right now and the way she acted about it was extremely rude and hurtful. She was the second person that I called after getting engaged and after telling her she said "that's nice" and started telling me a story about her dog.
  Since she asked me to be her bridesmaid, she has been a bit better, now she will listen to a little bit of wedding talk from me, then change the subject to her wedding. Which is fine. At least she acknowledges that I'm getting married too now.
  
  The reason I mentioned that her wedding is being held at a family home is because she had no restrictions on dates, she chose hers at random. Our family is pretty large and mostly in the area, and many of them are not happy about our weddings being so close (less recovering time between parties, a lot of money put out for them at once for gifts, etc). Just another aspect of her refusing to acknowledge my engagement.
  
  I hope that makes sense. I'm not being selfish or catty, I just want my friend/cousin to be happy for me, or at least even say congratulations.

  Report0 Reply
• FutureMrsKristinOtto member

  

  March 2015

  @ShesSoCold @drunkenwitch @JellyBean52513
  I think you guys are misunderstanding what I'm saying, so I just wanted to clarify. I'm NOT upset because she's not obsessing about my wedding. I AM upset because, until a few weeks ago, our conversations would go like this:
  Her: "What did you do this weekend?"
  Me: "Well I had a cake tasting appointment and..."
  Her: "Oh my gosh did I tell you what so-and-so said to me the other day"
  
  It's not that she wasn't obsessing over my wedding, it was that she was literally completely ignoring that it was happening. She did this not just to me, but to my fiancé, roommate, other friends, family, etc. I don't even want to obsess about my wedding to her, but planning it is part of my life for right now and the way she acted about it was extremely rude and hurtful. She was the second person that I called after getting engaged and after telling her she said "that's nice" and started telling me a story about her dog.
  Since she asked me to be her bridesmaid, she has been a bit better, now she will listen to a little bit of wedding talk from me, then change the subject to her wedding. Which is fine. At least she acknowledges that I'm getting married too now.
  
  The reason I mentioned that her wedding is being held at a family home is because she had no restrictions on dates, she chose hers at random. Our family is pretty large and mostly in the area, and many of them are not happy about our weddings being so close (less recovering time between parties, a lot of money put out for them at once for gifts, etc). Just another aspect of her refusing to acknowledge my engagement.
  
  I hope that makes sense. I'm not being selfish or catty, I just want my friend/cousin to be happy for me, or at least even say congratulations.

  Report0 Reply
• WonderBride519 member

  

  March 2015

  If she won't acknowledge your engagement or wedding planning now, do you think that just because you make her a bridesmaid she'll suddenly begin to? Do you think that you can handle her lack of participation in your planning once you've made her a bridesmaid? Chances are, it's only going to bother you even more, and could potentially lead to the crash and burn of the relationship you have with her. Why put that stress on yourself? IMO, it's best to not put her in your wedding party, as you're goig to want people who are supportive and excited for you.

  Report0 Reply
• AlexisA01 member

  

  March 2015

  Knottie64226258 said:

  @ShesSoCold @drunkenwitch @JellyBean52513
  I think you guys are misunderstanding what I'm saying, so I just wanted to clarify. I'm NOT upset because she's not obsessing about my wedding. I AM upset because, until a few weeks ago, our conversations would go like this:
  Her: "What did you do this weekend?"
  Me: "Well I had a cake tasting appointment and..."
  Her: "Oh my gosh did I tell you what so-and-so said to me the other day"
  
  It's not that she wasn't obsessing over my wedding, it was that she was literally completely ignoring that it was happening. She did this not just to me, but to my fiancé, roommate, other friends, family, etc. I don't even want to obsess about my wedding to her, but planning it is part of my life for right now and the way she acted about it was extremely rude and hurtful. She was the second person that I called after getting engaged and after telling her she said "that's nice" and started telling me a story about her dog.
  Since she asked me to be her bridesmaid, she has been a bit better, now she will listen to a little bit of wedding talk from me, then change the subject to her wedding. Which is fine. At least she acknowledges that I'm getting married too now.
  
  The reason I mentioned that her wedding is being held at a family home is because she had no restrictions on dates, she chose hers at random. Our family is pretty large and mostly in the area, and many of them are not happy about our weddings being so close (less recovering time between parties, a lot of money put out for them at once for gifts, etc). Just another aspect of her refusing to acknowledge my engagement.
  
  I hope that makes sense. I'm not being selfish or catty, I just want my friend/cousin to be happy for me, or at least even say congratulations.

  Jic
  

  Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  Report1 Reply
• ChemFanatic25 member

  

  March 2015

  Knottie64226258 said:

  @ShesSoCold @drunkenwitch @JellyBean52513
  I think you guys are misunderstanding what I'm saying, so I just wanted to clarify. I'm NOT upset because she's not obsessing about my wedding. I AM upset because, until a few weeks ago, our conversations would go like this:
  Her: "What did you do this weekend?"
  Me: "Well I had a cake tasting appointment and..."
  Her: "Oh my gosh did I tell you what so-and-so said to me the other day"
  
  It's not that she wasn't obsessing over my wedding, it was that she was literally completely ignoring that it was happening. She did this not just to me, but to my fiancé, roommate, other friends, family, etc. I don't even want to obsess about my wedding to her, but planning it is part of my life for right now and the way she acted about it was extremely rude and hurtful. She was the second person that I called after getting engaged and after telling her she said "that's nice" and started telling me a story about her dog.
  Since she asked me to be her bridesmaid, she has been a bit better, now she will listen to a little bit of wedding talk from me, then change the subject to her wedding. Which is fine. At least she acknowledges that I'm getting married too now.
  
  The reason I mentioned that her wedding is being held at a family home is because she had no restrictions on dates, she chose hers at random. Our family is pretty large and mostly in the area, and many of them are not happy about our weddings being so close (less recovering time between parties, a lot of money put out for them at once for gifts, etc). Just another aspect of her refusing to acknowledge my engagement.
  
  I hope that makes sense. I'm not being selfish or catty, I just want my friend/cousin to be happy for me, or at least even say congratulations.

  
  
  
  I've gotta ask, if she is interrupting you in the middle of you talking about your wedding details have you ever thought maybe you talk about your wedding TOO much. Like think back to the conversations you have had with her lately. Is it always "wedding wedding wedding!"? Maybe that's why she hasn't been expressing as much interest because even when she doesn't she'll hear about it without prompt anyways.

   

  I'd suggest the next couple of conversations try avoid talking about wedding. Talk about work or what you did with your FI/friends last weekend. If she listens to you then, it might be that you're talking about your wedding too much and nothing else and don't even realize it.

  

  Report1 Reply
• mollybarker11 member

  

  March 2015

  I dunno if this is actually against etiquette, but I think it would seem strange if you've already asked your 3 bridesmaids and then weeks/months later asked someone else. It would seem really obvious you're only asking because she asked you to be in her wedding, and that'd take the heart out of it.

  
  

  And ditto to everything everyone else said. Your question is "Should I ask this person, who I don't think cares about my wedding, to be in my wedding?" Obviously no.

  Report0 Reply
• JellyBean52513 member

  

  March 2015

  I completely understand feeling upset when someone you care about just doesn't express happiness for you when something wonderful happens in your life. Especially for her to say nothing more than "That's nice. Guess what my dog did yesterday!" That's just a weird reaction to engagement news from someone who is so close to you. I will not deny that, OP.
  
  Could it have been possible that she was jealous when she heard the news? I get that hunch, particularly because you said she started engaging in a little bit more wedding talk once she got engaged. Either way, I like PPs suggestions of refraining from wedding talk the next time you talk to her. If she's still acting weird, then maybe she's got something going on in her life that's been getting to her.

  Report0 Reply
• FutureMrsKristinOtto member

  

  March 2015

  @ChemFanatic25 it's definitely not me talking too much about the wedding, she won't let me get 2 words out about it! There is literally no way for me to try to avoid talking wedding with her because that's what she's forced me to do

  Report0 Reply
• FutureMrsKristinOtto member

  

  March 2015

  @JellyBean52513 jealousy is my hunch too. She had been with her SO for 7 years before getting engaged, so I think she was jealous that I got engaged first. She is also a very attention driven person, and getting engaged after Christmas meant she didn't get to have all the family excited for her that day. I still don't think that's an ok way for her to treat me though, especially since we were so close and she pulled us apart doing that

  Report0 Reply
• [Deleted User] member

  

  March 2015

  Knottie64226258 said:

  @JellyBean52513 jealousy is my hunch too. She had been with her SO for 7 years before getting engaged, so I think she was jealous that I got engaged first. She is also a very attention driven person, and getting engaged after Christmas meant she didn't get to have all the family excited for her that day. I still don't think that's an ok way for her to treat me though, especially since we were so close and she pulled us apart doing that

  I don't understand people.  FH and I have been dating for 6 1/2 years now, not officially engaged but he's humoring me when I try to talk about our future wedding.  In those six plus years, my younger sister has gotten married and is expecting a child, my cousin met and married a girl, my baby cousin (15 years younger than me) got married, another cousin met a girl, proposed, and are planning a wedding 6 months after the proposal, and I'm still here ringless and unmarried.  BUT, it's my decision!  I chose buying a house over getting a ring.  We are building up our retirement accounts prior to hosting a party.  I'm very secure in our relationship.  I just don't understand the jealousy.

  Report1 Reply
• lovegood90 member

  

  March 2015

  Knottie64226258 said:

  @ChemFanatic25 it's definitely not me talking too much about the wedding, she won't let me get 2 words out about it! There is literally no way for me to try to avoid talking wedding with her because that's what she's forced me to do

  How has she forced you to talk about wedding planning? If she's constantly talking about her wedding that doesn't mean you have to constantly talk about yours too. Just change the subject.

  Formerly martha1818

  

  
  

  Report2 Reply
• FutureMrsKristinOtto member

  

  March 2015

  @lovegood90 no she definitely isn't forcing me to talk about my wedding, she doesn't let me mention it by interrupting or changing the subject

  Report0 Reply
• JCbride2015 member

  

  March 2015

  lovegood90 said:

  Knottie64226258 said:

  @ChemFanatic25 it's definitely not me talking too much about the wedding, she won't let me get 2 words out about it! There is literally no way for me to try to avoid talking wedding with her because that's what she's forced me to do

  How has she forced you to talk about wedding planning? If she's constantly talking about her wedding that doesn't mean you have to constantly talk about yours too. Just change the subject.

  @lovegood90 no she definitely isn't forcing me to talk about my wedding, she doesn't let me mention it by interrupting or changing the subject

  Knottie64226258 I'm confused by the bolded and your explanation here.  You said she won't listen to you talk about your wedding, but then she's forcing you to talk about your wedding, but then she's interrupting you?  Huh?

  
  

  Sounds like you don't want her to be a BM.  Just don't ask her.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

  Report1 Reply
• hgminor member

  

  March 2015

  I think I see the confusion.  

  
  

  OP is saying that it is impossible to AVOID talking about the wedding because she doesn't ever get to have a whole conversation about it to begin with (due to her cousin's interruptions and subject changes).

  
  

  OP-- I think the bigger issue is that both of you have allowed your wedding(s) to come in between a very close relationship.  Forget about whether you want her to be a bridesmaid and have a lunch or hangout where you don't even start to mention weddings and instead focus on rebuilding the friendship.  Do something that you both liked doing BEFORE anyone was ever engaged and just have fun together.  And if the situation is too tarnished because of the recent changes, then it's probably for the best that you didn't make her a BM.

  Report3 Reply
• huskypuppy14 member

  

  March 2015

  Knottie64226258 said:

  @ShesSoCold @drunkenwitch @JellyBean52513
  I think you guys are misunderstanding what I'm saying, so I just wanted to clarify. I'm NOT upset because she's not obsessing about my wedding. I AM upset because, until a few weeks ago, our conversations would go like this:
  Her: "What did you do this weekend?"
  Me: "Well I had a cake tasting appointment and..."
  Her: "Oh my gosh did I tell you what so-and-so said to me the other day"
  
  It's not that she wasn't obsessing over my wedding, it was that she was literally completely ignoring that it was happening. She did this not just to me, but to my fiancé, roommate, other friends, family, etc. I don't even want to obsess about my wedding to her, but planning it is part of my life for right now and the way she acted about it was extremely rude and hurtful. She was the second person that I called after getting engaged and after telling her she said "that's nice" and started telling me a story about her dog.
  Since she asked me to be her bridesmaid, she has been a bit better, now she will listen to a little bit of wedding talk from me, then change the subject to her wedding. Which is fine. At least she acknowledges that I'm getting married too now.
  
  The reason I mentioned that her wedding is being held at a family home is because she had no restrictions on dates, she chose hers at random. Our family is pretty large and mostly in the area, and many of them are not happy about our weddings being so close (less recovering time between parties, a lot of money put out for them at once for gifts, etc). Just another aspect of her refusing to acknowledge my engagement.
  
  I hope that makes sense. I'm not being selfish or catty, I just want my friend/cousin to be happy for me, or at least even say congratulations.

  How do you know she picked her date at random? Maybe it was the date that worked the best with her VIPs. Venue availability is not the only thing that restricts a wedding date. Maybe she wanted to get married on that date. Maybe she wanted to get married on your date, but can't because you are.

  
  

  And the other family members that are snarking behind her back are being rude. As long as the dates are good with VIPs, the other family members can either go or not go. An invitation is not a summons and a gift is not required. If they have to spend less money on each gift because there are two in a short time, oh well. I hope you're not getting married to get gifts.
  

  
  

  Regardless of any other information. Don't make her a bridesmaid.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply