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Budget Weddings Forum
smam00
member
Need advice please. Long...sorry in advance.
I've been so confused and at a total loss of what to do lately. This might be long, so I apologize in advance.
My FI and I have been engaged for 3 years now. Long story short....we got engaged in January 2012 when we were living in Michigan. 3 months later, we moved to Arizona for FI's job. Skip to 1.5 years later in Sept 2013, we moved to North Carolina for FI's job again. We are still in the same place.
Because of moving a few times, as well as the fact that we were VERY financially irresponsible for about 3 years, we managed to accumulate a ton of debt. We stopped spending and carried the balances for 2 years, then April 2014 I made a budget and we have been trying to heavily pay everything off. I like the idea of starting our marriage debt free.
My issue....is that I am sick of waiting, I just want to be married to him!! I don't want to wait any longer. We have a little in savings that I set aside before, and by messing with my budget and putting only minimums towards our debt for the next couple months, we can manage to have $6500 saved for a wedding by August of this year. I thought this was great, as we were hoping to go up to Michigan around then for a short visit.
Our original guest list was around 140 people. We managed to cut it down to about 95 people. I thought of doing a brunch reception instead of dinner, using an ipod instead of a DJ, and checking out restaurants instead of an actual banquet hall/venue. Restaurants are already decorated, so I could add a little touch and save on decorations as well. I presented this idea to my mom (she or my aunt were going to scope a few places out & skype me while getting tours), and she basically told me that I was "being cheap, this is one of the biggest days of your life. Decorating and putting ideas together is one of the most fun parts and you're just being cheap!" She also yelled at me when I scaled back on our guest list, saying "these are all good people, they deserve to be there, they helped me through a very tough time!" (they were mostly previous co-workers of hers that I have not seen in at least 10 years).
I'm getting frustrated with trying to figure this out, and I am sick of everyone asking us if we ever are going to get there, why aren't we married yet, what could be taking this long, do we have cold feet?, what was the point in getting engaged, blah blah blah.
So I guess what I'm asking is, if you were in my shoes, what would you do?? Would you try to plan a wedding for August on a small budget then continue paying debt after and just ignore what everyone says until then, or would you bite the bullet to pay off debt first and forget planning until that is taken care of?
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Re: Need advice please. Long...sorry in advance.
1. If I were you, I would determine how truthful of a statement "...sick of waiting, I just want to be married to him" actually is. Because 5 minutes of googling tells me you can get that done for $80 ($60 for the license and $20 for the court fee to be married by a judge). So in theory, you can go pick out the nicest clothes from your closet, hit up an ATM, and be married Monday (there's no waiting period in NC).
For $80 you'll be exactly the same amount of married as you would be if you spent $6500 or $25,000 or $100,000.
2. Only you and your FI can determine what your priorities are. You need to sit down, have a discussion, and make a list of your priorities - paying off debt asap? just finally being married? having a stereotypical wedding ceremony and reception with all your friends and family? having a scaled down wedding and cutting the difference?
I can tell you mine, but again no one else can decide this for the two of you. I think it's absolutely foolish to start off married life with additional debt and if I were financially foolish (and I have been - trust me I've been there), I'd be very reluctant to spend money on completely optional things until I was back in financial control. Granted, not all debt is created equal. Mortgages and student loans with relatively low interest rates? Ok - keep plugging away - you can't deprive yourself of everything while paying those down. Credit card debt from foolish spending? Pay that off asap because interest piles up fast.
Of course, I also have very little interest in a traditional wedding reception or what other people who won't actually be in my upcoming marriage "deserve". So if I didn't want a JOP wedding (which I am actually absolutely cool with myself), I'd probably cut the difference and spend about $1000 and continue paying as much as I can on the debt. I'd get a cute dress on modcloth or rent one from rent the runway (or wear something in my closet), have my FI wear his suit or a nice button down shirt and dress pants, find an inexpensive venue at a non-meal time and have a cake and punch reception, and if we wanted a honeymoon find a cute little B&B within driving distance and spend a few nights there. But $6500 is also plenty of money to throw a very nice wedding if you're smart about your spending. The only things required are a comfortable place to sit for every body (comfortable also means not too hot or cold or windy, etc.), and to properly host your guests with a reception immediately following the ceremony with food and drink appropriate to the time of day. Everything else is optional.
Edited to fix state and costs - I misread and thought OP was still in MI, not NC. Same idea applies, just $80 instead of $30 and no waiting period.
We are not in your financial position but decided on a small wedding (75 people tops) and keeping it around 7k. We could have it twice that size but didn't want it. I'm being budget concious because I don't see the point in spending 15-20K on a wedding even though we could afford it.
If you feel like you'd really be sad later if you didn't have more of a "traditional" wedding then I'd wait until you could really afford whatever kind of wedding would make you happy and invite whomever you feel is appropriate to be there. If your mom isn't going to help pay for these festivities then she doesn't get to dictate what kind of event you have or who attends. This isn't her day, nor is it her marriage. It's yours and you deserve to do things in a way that celebrates the relationship you and your FI have built together.
We can't tell you what the best option for you and your FI is. It really depends on your relationship and finances, so I suggest you two take a long look at it together and make the decision that is best for you.
Personally, a big lavish wedding was never of interest to me. Our wedding included 4 guests, which was perfect for us.
So, I'm biased, but I'd totally choose a smaller (cheaper) wedding now and working on debt together versus waiting and STILL having a smaller (cheaper) wedding due to lack of wedding savings.
And I totally approve of the small intimate family style wedding. But again, biased.
Agreed!
We had a great wedding in a restaurant with 21 guests. I wasn't on a super strict budget so I spent kind of a lot on my dress and decorations but the actual food and necessary items only came to $1500. There is no reason that your parents, grandparents, siblings, few best friends can't be there.
You and your FI need to sit down and decide what matters to you. If your mom is not paying, she doesn't get a say. Stop sharing any wedding details with her, and if she says anything about them, change the subject and let her know the topic is closed. A budget wedding is totally possible, and can be just as beautiful as a big fancy shindig. What matters is that you and your FI will be married. You don't owe anyone a big fancy wedding. If getting married at the JOP right now is what floats your boat, then go get married! I do get the feeling though that you want some sort of "traditional" wedding. If you do choose a JOP now, just remember that you can't reenact the wedding later when you have more money. You can throw a "come celebrate our marriage!" party, but don't do vows, the dress, spotlight dances, etc.
I think that you'll be surprised at how your wedding "vision" can change with reality.
I mean, most of my life I just figured that I'd have a big wedding because that's how it's "done". I mean, I wasn't really excited about it, but I just never really thought of another option. Then I met DH and we discussed having a small wedding with just our parents as our guests, and I was SO excited. We had so much versatility and we were able to have our wedding EXACTLY how we wanted: I got the dress I wanted, we got flowers done how we wanted, we got a fucking FABULOUS menu, and an incredible venue. Honestly, I'd never even considered dreaming about our real wedding, and it is a billion times better than anything I'd imagined before.
I think once you get into the realities of planning and in making your marriage real then you'll be excited no matter what the event looks like.
First problem - you're having issues with how to keep a 140 person guest list under $6000... As others mentioned, it costs $80 to get married... Now, realize that if you have it where you're at it becomes a DW, thus fewer people will show.
1) KOC/VFW/Lion's halls all offer lots of options to keep things on a budget.
2) Your choice of meal determines your catering budget, most caterers offer a 2-piece basic chicken dinner for under $20/pp... $20x120+tip = ~$2800...
3) You don't need to overspend on a gown! $600 after alterations, DIY the veil or purchase a premade one for $15..
4) Flowers - Sam's Club or $500 to your local to the venue florist with a laundry list of what you need - the more flex you give them with a basic set of details the better.
5) DJ - play list or splurge for a few hours with a small local guy.
6) Your Mom is insisting on inviting these people, then she PAYS for these people! Until you have cash in hand (thank you WW board), they don't have an invite..
7) The etiquette boards would hate me, but Cash bar... Pay for the non-alcoholic beverages and maybe a keg, above that, you've met your obligation of providing something to drink for your guests. If they come over to your house and all you have is soda, no one is going to complain if they have to go purchase something they want to drink instead...