just venting

JaniV123 · April 2015

soo I am frustrated and upset....

TL;DR: fi dislike having a registry, he thinks its pointless and greedy and we had an argument over it.

Fi hates the idea, purpose, in fact everything about the registries. He thinks everything is useless and pointless since there are things we wont use every day. Whenever I add or change something from the registry he gets pissy.

He says he feels uncomfortable putting things that are "expensive" that we wont use everyday and people gifting it for us. We have 2 registries, one at macys with more formal things and one at BBB with kitchen gadgets and cheaper stuff. And people will gift whatever they want.

He comes from a very modest and humble family and I understand why he feels uncomfortable but my family is the opposite and they love all of these gifting things. In the end most of the people going to my shower are my family and they have bought 1/4 of the registry (ints only been like 5 people in total)

I am not putting super frivolous things on the registry either, I am being reasonable and thinking of things we will use in the long run to have family parties and reunions as well. And it upsets me that he gets mad whenever I try to talk to him. I want us to do this together, not me pick everything and not tell him. But literally he has said he would eliminate everything from the registries and just not have anything and I have no idea what to do....

I dont know the point of this post but literally I just feel like crying at the moment, because we had a conversation an hour ago that ended with a lot of frustration from both of us.

It also like bothers me that he makes it sound like I am a greedy SS. My cousin's fiance has super expensive things in her registry and I am sure no one cares (everything has been bought) because thats the norm in her family.

If you read this thanks for reading my rant

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2015

http://www.livejournal.com/

JCbride2015 · April 2015

Not something to cry about. Just don't talk to him about it and he can be pissy if he wants.

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

Not much you can do about it. This isn't a long-term problem, so try to get it go.

I mean, if you have a small registry, you'll probably just get cash. Not a thing wrong with that.

[Deleted User] · April 2015

You're both over thinking this.

Your family and his family can choose to give whatever is appropriate for their budget - off the registry, on the registry, cash, nothing, or whatever... Just because you're registered for something doesn't mean someone HAS to buy it.

Register for what you want, stop discussing it, and just let it go!

JaniV123 · April 2015

AlisonM23 said:
You're both over thinking this.

Your family and his family can choose to give whatever is appropriate for their budget - off the registry, on the registry, cash, nothing, or whatever... Just because you're registered for something doesn't mean someone HAS to buy it.

Register for what you want, stop discussing it, and just let it go!

SITB

this is what I was trying to get him to understand. I guess I can just not tell him and let it go but I feel weird not telling him about it, someone getting it for us and him getting weird about it/it starting an argument

Thanks to all BTW

KatieinBkln · April 2015

JaniV123 said:

AlisonM23 said:
You're both over thinking this.

Your family and his family can choose to give whatever is appropriate for their budget - off the registry, on the registry, cash, nothing, or whatever... Just because you're registered for something doesn't mean someone HAS to buy it.

Register for what you want, stop discussing it, and just let it go!

SITB

this is what I was trying to get him to understand. I guess I can just not tell him and let it go but I feel weird not telling him about it, someone getting it for us and him getting weird about it/it starting an argument

Thanks to all BTW

First of all, homeboy can look at the registry page whenever he wants, so nothing is really "sneaking" here. But, in the event the bolded happens:

You: Darling. I love you, but surely you can see that a person giving us a gift, of their own free will, is not something to complain about. If it had been too expensive, they wouldn't have purchased it. Now get some perspective and be grateful they bought it.

It's okay to tell your loved one that they're being ridiculous. You can do it kindly, but being more concerned that voicing your opinion will "upset" them than you are about the issue in question seems like a waste of energy. He might be mad for a little while, and he might never fully agree with registries. But it's okay for people who love each other to disagree. Dry your tears. He loves you enough to marry you. Philosophical disagreements about wedding registries are not going to cause a permanent rift. He'll get over it.

anjemon · April 2015

I sort of understand this OP. My FI is independent and doesn't like taking money from other people. When we registered he honestly felt awkward putting the nice vacuum on the list, even though we would totally use it and it wasn't top of the line. But it was more expensive.

Firstly, you need to tell him that when he says these things about the registry it feels like he's calling you greedy. He might not mean he's implying that.

Secondly, maybe explain to him that people (especially ladies) are going to buy you guys kitchen/hosting stuff no matter what you do. Many of them really like this stuff and they like helping you guys out. Having a registry is not asking for gifts, it is giving people ideas if they want to get you gifts so you get things you like. Not having a registry just means you might get 800 towels and no dishes because people don't know.

And if after that he still has a problem with it, don't talk to him about it.

OliveOilsMom · April 2015

Can you compromise and only give out the registry info to your family for any showers you get. Then for FI's family members, the registry info isn't given.

Have you attended a shower in FI's family where the registry info was included in the invitation? Then you can show him that in his family's registries are the norm too?

JaniV123 · April 2015

OliveOilsMom said:
Can you compromise and only give out the registry info to your family for any showers you get. Then for FI's family members, the registry info isn't given.
Have you attended a shower in FI's family where the registry info was included in the invitation? Then you can show him that in his family's registries are the norm too?

Yeah the info is being given to those who asked because they are invited to the shower, and only his mom and sister/SIL are invited from his family. And his sister asked us multiple times when we moved what she could get us and he wouldnt tell her. She called me and I told her, atm we dont need anything but if you want to get us something you can check out the registry to see what things we will need eventually.

I have never been to any sort of activity like this in his family so I honestly don't know, but I know they do baby shower registries and info has been given on the invites.

Thanks

beachyone15 · April 2015

One other thing you could do just for good measure is price compare on your more "expensive" items. I know my H was hesitant about asking for too much/asking for things that were too pricey. So he took charge of comparing some of our items at different stores to try and save our guests some money (ex - BBB had the same blender we registered for at Macy's but it was cheaper at BBB so we moved it to that registry). Maybe doing something like that would help him feel better?

JaniV123 · April 2015

@anjemon Thank you for your input. Thats what I tried to do today and such but it didn't work out. I will just have to not mention it again to him and hope he doesn't react weird after the fact.

I shouldn't be surprised though. His best friend and best man offered to pay for our cake (because he is very traditional) and FI didn't care, he didn't want anyone to pay, etc and we paid it in full when we signed the baker.

Again thanks for the advice!

amelisha · April 2015

I just can't understanding getting upset over what gifts you're being given or not given or asking for or not asking for.

It's just stuff...it's never worth crying over, particularly if we're not talking stuff with a great deal of sentimental value or something. Registry gifts are not worth arguing over in my books.

kvruns · April 2015

I understand what you are saying, mine was pretty much against a registry and any gifts in general. His hangup comes from the fact that this is his 2nd marriage so he thinks no one should get anything since people already got him things for his 1st wedding. I said the reality is it is a wedding and most people will want to get us something. Friends want to throw a shower and so it would be a good idea to register for some things we want.

It has taken a while to get him warmed up to the idea, but we are creating a small one, and the reality is I will be doing most of it myself. I've added a few things online and we are going to go to the store to pick some things out but I can assure you there will be things on there he will roll his eyes at (ex: some fun new dish towels, sure we can afford to buy new ones ourselves, but it is something small to put on there and if we didn't we would keep the same towels we have another 10 years) but honestly it doesn't matter.

So I understand the annoyance of it but definitely nothing to the point of getting super upset about it, just go with the flow and if he doesn't want to participate finish/adjust the registry how you want it.

VulgarGirl · April 2015

Did you guys discuss having/not having a registry prior to you making two and putting it out for everyone to see? Did you/have you, attempted to compromise?

But honestly, a fight over a registry? Really? I mean...this just seems really childish.

Also, poor people like giving gifts too. I know when you say "humble and modest" you mean poor. Everyone knows that. No need to dress it up. Call shit what shit is.

artbyallie · April 2015

He needs to realize the registry is not FOR you. It's to help people who wish to give you wedding gifts select something that will match your decor and tastes. It's not greedy because you don't go around telling people to buy you shit from it. They find it on their own or ask where you are registered.

katiekessler123 · April 2015

My husband had similar sentiments as your fiance when it was time to register. I basically explained to him that we would be receiving gifts whether we registered or not, because my sister had planned a shower for me, so it might as well be things we need instead of 15 silver nut bowls or whatever. That got him on board, but the day we registered he LOVED it and kept saying how he was so glad we did it.

FiancB · April 2015

Eh. We don't like to feel grabby so we had a lot of <$50 items on there, several <$20. Is he aware this is an option? Is he aware that at weddings most guests bring a gift? Just kinda sounds like he doesn't understand what it's for.

But hey if he wants to return a dozen cutting boards later...

Meh. I'd probably talk about it with him one more time, understanding where he's coming from and emphasize putting cheap and practical things on there and move on. We all have our hangups but it's weird to get "pissy" because you don't want a registry.

JaniV123 · April 2015

beachyone15 said:
One other thing you could do just for good measure is price compare on your more "expensive" items. I know my H was hesitant about asking for too much/asking for things that were too pricey. So he took charge of comparing some of our items at different stores to try and save our guests some money (ex - BBB had the same blender we registered for at Macy's but it was cheaper at BBB so we moved it to that registry). Maybe doing something like that would help him feel better?

we did this but now he wants to completely eliminate the BBB registry because "it's a hassle"

JaniV123 · April 2015

MagicInk said:
Did you guys discuss having/not having a registry prior to you making two and putting it out for everyone to see? Did you/have you, attempted to compromise?

But honestly, a fight over a registry? Really? I mean...this just seems really childish.

Also, poor people like giving gifts too. I know when you say "humble and modest" you mean poor. Everyone knows that. No need to dress it up. Call shit what shit is.

Yes we went together to create both registries and chose things together, and I understood we had a compromise. It wasn't a fight per se, it was an argument because I told him I wanted to add some things but I wanted to show them to him.

And actually his family is not poor, they have money and luxuries too but they are people that like to get their own things and not ask others for help with anything. They are very intimate and they whenever they give a generous gift people are truly grateful and they feel the gifter shouldn't have spent on them.

JaniV123 · April 2015

FiancB said:
Eh. We don't like to feel grabby so we had a lot of <$50 items on there, several <$20. Is he aware this is an option? Is he aware that at weddings most guests bring a gift? Just kinda sounds like he doesn't understand what it's for.

But hey if he wants to return a dozen cutting boards later...

Meh. I'd probably talk about it with him one more time, understanding where he's coming from and emphasize putting cheap and practical things on there and move on. We all have our hangups but it's weird to get "pissy" because you don't want a registry.

SITB
Yes to the bolded. We have a lot of under 30 and 20 things on both registries. We also have some other more expensive items but nothing over $200. I do understand where he is coming from and I dont understand why he is so defensive either.

hellohkb · April 2015

Oh man. FH is the opposite- He LOVES registries. He loves OTHER PEOPLES registries. He recently asked me if we could go to the store and revisit our registry. I felt very uncomfortable putting one together but I realized that they're there for people who WANT to get us something and need help picking it out. It took a little time feeling comfortable with it. He may need a little time to feel comfortable. Like @artbyallie said, remind him that the registry isn't FOR you, it's for other people who need a little help about what they're getting you two.

just venting

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