Kids Cutoff

FutureMrsKristinOtto · March 2015

My fiancé and I have decided to not have kids at our wedding so that we can invite more people we know/are close to. I am thinking the cutoff will be teens (under 13 not invited) but is this an ok way to go about it? I used to teach dance and have former students I want to invite who are in their teens but don't want that to mean that all children can come. Advice?

LondonLisa · March 2015

Knottie64226258 said:
My fiancé and I have decided to not have kids at our wedding so that we can invite more people we know/are close to. I am thinking the cutoff will be teens (under 13 not invited) but is this an ok way to go about it? I used to teach dance and have former students I want to invite who are in their teens but don't want that to mean that all children can come. Advice?

It is usually hard with an arbitrary cut off. Adults-only weddings are perfectly fine, but you do not want to be in a situation where John and Jane's daughter (aged 14) is invited but their son (aged 11) isn't.

It is a very much "know your crowd" situation. Inviting in circles is usually the best bet, ie: inviting children of siblings and cousins but not friends. There can be hurt feelings with this and declines but you are perfectly within your rights to invite some children but not all (as long as you aren't splitting up a family). You just have to recognise that this may mean people will decline.

Also, when you say former students, are you inviting these children on their own or with their parents? I would find it strange to send my hypothetical 14 year old to a wedding by herself.

Jen4948 · March 2015

Knottie64226258 said:
My fiancé and I have decided to not have kids at our wedding so that we can invite more people we know/are close to. I am thinking the cutoff will be teens (under 13 not invited) but is this an ok way to go about it? I used to teach dance and have former students I want to invite who are in their teens but don't want that to mean that all children can come. Advice?

I would not invite former students. Even if you are not teaching them any more, your relationships with them should stay professional. Not only that, they will need transportation to and from your wedding and to undergo the costs of appropriate outfits (if they don't already have them) and to get you gifts. Depending on how far they'd have to travel and the time of day the wedding is, logistically inviting them without their parents may not work too well. And if you do invite their parents, you have to treat them like any other guests. You'll have to budget, space-wise and financially, for their parents to attend with their spouses/SOs just like every other guest.

Aside from those issues, you do need to be careful about which kids are invited and which won't. If an arbitrary cutoff will split kids in families who are close in age, e.g. a 14 year old is invited while his/her 12 year old sibling is not, you'll end up with hurt feelings.

novella1186 · March 2015

LondonLisa said:

Knottie64226258 said:
My fiancé and I have decided to not have kids at our wedding so that we can invite more people we know/are close to. I am thinking the cutoff will be teens (under 13 not invited) but is this an ok way to go about it? I used to teach dance and have former students I want to invite who are in their teens but don't want that to mean that all children can come. Advice?
It is usually hard with an arbitrary cut off. Adults-only weddings are perfectly fine, but you do not want to be in a situation where John and Jane's daughter (aged 14) is invited but their son (aged 11) isn't.

It is a very much "know your crowd" situation. Inviting in circles is usually the best bet, ie: inviting children of siblings and cousins but not friends. There can be hurt feelings with this and declines but you are perfectly within your rights to invite some children but not all (as long as you aren't splitting up a family). You just have to recognise that this may mean people will decline.

Also, when you say former students, are you inviting these children on their own or with their parents? I would find it strange to send my hypothetical 14 year old to a wedding by herself.

This. It's ok to not invite kids, but you can't split families. So the random age cut-off rule usually doesn't work.

blabla89 · March 2015

novella1186 said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottie64226258 said:
My fiancé and I have decided to not have kids at our wedding so that we can invite more people we know/are close to. I am thinking the cutoff will be teens (under 13 not invited) but is this an ok way to go about it? I used to teach dance and have former students I want to invite who are in their teens but don't want that to mean that all children can come. Advice?
It is usually hard with an arbitrary cut off. Adults-only weddings are perfectly fine, but you do not want to be in a situation where John and Jane's daughter (aged 14) is invited but their son (aged 11) isn't.

It is a very much "know your crowd" situation. Inviting in circles is usually the best bet, ie: inviting children of siblings and cousins but not friends. There can be hurt feelings with this and declines but you are perfectly within your rights to invite some children but not all (as long as you aren't splitting up a family). You just have to recognise that this may mean people will decline.

Also, when you say former students, are you inviting these children on their own or with their parents? I would find it strange to send my hypothetical 14 year old to a wedding by herself.
This. It's ok to not invite kids, but you can't split families. So the random age cut-off rule usually doesn't work.

This. Instead, consider inviting kids in circles. You can set the limit at inviting only the children of your WP and close family, for example.

FutureMrsKristinOtto · March 2015

@LondonLisa and @Jen4948
I was definitely inviting them with their parents, that would be just weird haha. I am and have been close with them families ever since teaching them (they haven't been my students for 4-5 years) and their parents are just as close to me as their daughters are. The girls still contact me as a mentor for advice, which at that age is relationship advice, and I felt that inviting them to the wedding was appropriate, as well a possibly a good example for them.

zitiqueen · March 2015

Knottie64226258 said:
@LondonLisa and @Jen4948
I was definitely inviting them with their parents, that would be just weird haha. I am and have been close with them families ever since teaching them (they haven't been my students for 4-5 years) and their parents are just as close to me as their daughters are. The girls still contact me as a mentor for advice, which at that age is relationship advice, and I felt that inviting them to the wedding was appropriate, as well a possibly a good example for them.

Is your random age cutoff going to split up any families though?

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

You can do it as long as you don't split families.

SP29 · March 2015

I would avoid an arbitrary cut off- just invite which children (or teens) you want there and not those you don't.

Best to invite in circles, as said, but you are not obligated to invite ANYONE to your wedding. Circles just smooths things over for other guests who may get offended because you invited one of your cousin's kids but not hers.

You are free to invite these dance girls (and their parents), and say nieces and nephews (if you have any) and not invite any other minors- not because they are minors, but because you choose not to have them there (just like you can choose not to invite certain family members).

LondonLisa · March 2015

Knottie64226258 said:
@LondonLisa and @Jen4948
I was definitely inviting them with their parents, that would be just weird haha. I am and have been close with them families ever since teaching them (they haven't been my students for 4-5 years) and their parents are just as close to me as their daughters are. The girls still contact me as a mentor for advice, which at that age is relationship advice, and I felt that inviting them to the wedding was appropriate, as well a possibly a good example for them.

Yes, but the problem arises when your dance student "Katie" is invited with her parents. Katie's two little brothers (aged 9 and 11) must also be invited to not split the family. Your 13 and up cutoff only works when it does not split siblings. In the long run, inviting these students is probably not the best way to save space.

aphrodite0869 · March 2015

The kid's situation is a hard one. We were going to have so many kids at our wedding the kids would have out-numbered the adults by4 to 1. So we did just our children and out of town families children. No age limit. Age limits are hard because some people have children of all different ages. My kids ages range from 13, 7, 6, and 4. Personally, I wouldn't want to bring all my kids to a wedding and beg them to be quite, but, if I went I wouldn't want just one of them to go an the other 3 stay home.

huskypuppy14 · April 2015

LondonLisa said:
@LondonLisa and @Jen4948
I was definitely inviting them with their parents, that would be just weird haha. I am and have been close with them families ever since teaching them (they haven't been my students for 4-5 years) and their parents are just as close to me as their daughters are. The girls still contact me as a mentor for advice, which at that age is relationship advice, and I felt that inviting them to the wedding was appropriate, as well a possibly a good example for them.

Yes, but the problem arises when your dance student "Katie" is invited with her parents. Katie's two little brothers (aged 9 and 11) must also be invited to not split the family. Your 13 and up cutoff only works when it does not split siblings. In the long run, inviting these students is probably not the best way to save space.

So this might be unpopular, but I'm going to disagree in this instance. Usually, yes it's best not to split up siblings, but this is usually when the parents are the primary guest.

It seems that her students are the primary guest, and their parents are invited as a courtesy, logistics, etc. I think when the child is the primary guest, it's ok to not invite their siblings. If Suzi is invited to a bar mitzvah her siblings don't get to go too. Same with birthday parties.

Now, I think it would be best to invite the whole family, but I don't think it's necessary in this case.

LondonLisa · April 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

LondonLisa said:
@LondonLisa and @Jen4948
I was definitely inviting them with their parents, that would be just weird haha. I am and have been close with them families ever since teaching them (they haven't been my students for 4-5 years) and their parents are just as close to me as their daughters are. The girls still contact me as a mentor for advice, which at that age is relationship advice, and I felt that inviting them to the wedding was appropriate, as well a possibly a good example for them.
Yes, but the problem arises when your dance student "Katie" is invited with her parents. Katie's two little brothers (aged 9 and 11) must also be invited to not split the family. Your 13 and up cutoff only works when it does not split siblings. In the long run, inviting these students is probably not the best way to save space.

So this might be unpopular, but I'm going to disagree in this instance. Usually, yes it's best not to split up siblings, but this is usually when the parents are the primary guest.

It seems that her students are the primary guest, and their parents are invited as a courtesy, logistics, etc. I think when the child is the primary guest, it's ok to not invite their siblings. If Suzi is invited to a bar mitzvah her siblings don't get to go too. Same with birthday parties.

Now, I think it would be best to invite the whole family, but I don't think it's necessary in this case.

But the difference is that a bar mitzvah or birthday is it is a party for children. They are the target audience, chaperoned, and peers of the guest of honour. By the time I was old enough to be invited to birthday parties, I received my own invitation- my parents weren't invited unless they had a pre-arrangement to assist with chaperoning. And if my parents were coming to assist, my brother and sister would have come along as well.

A wedding is completely different. No matter how close this woman is with one child, you cannot break a social unit. Minor children are social units and it is very much all or nothing. (Meaning Just parents= fine, Parents and all children= fine, Parents and 1 child= not fine).

Inviting one child over their siblings because you are close with them and have never met her siblings is like inviting one co-worker because you are close but not their spouse because you have never met their spouse. Just because the co-worker is the "primary guest" doesn't mean its ok to break a social unit.

redoryx · April 2015

LondonLisa said: huskypuppy14 said: LondonLisa said:@LondonLisa and @Jen4948
I was definitely inviting them with their parents, that would be just weird haha. I am and have been close with them families ever since teaching them (they haven't been my students for 4-5 years) and their parents are just as close to me as their daughters are. The girls still contact me as a mentor for advice, which at that age is relationship advice, and I felt that inviting them to the wedding was appropriate, as well a possibly a good example for them.

Yes, but the problem arises when your dance student "Katie" is invited with her parents. Katie's two little brothers (aged 9 and 11) must also be invited to not split the family. Your 13 and up cutoff only works when it does not split siblings. In the long run, inviting these students is probably not the best way to save space.

So this might be unpopular, but I'm going to disagree in this instance. Usually, yes it's best not to split up siblings, but this is usually when the parents are the primary guest.
It seems that her students are the primary guest, and their parents are invited as a courtesy, logistics, etc. I think when the child is the primary guest, it's ok to not invite their siblings. If Suzi is invited to a bar mitzvah her siblings don't get to go too. Same with birthday parties.
Now, I think it would be best to invite the whole family, but I don't think it's necessary in this case.

But the difference is that a bar mitzvah or birthday is it is a party for children. They are the target audience, chaperoned, and peers of the guest of honour. By the time I was old enough to be invited to birthday parties, I received my own invitation- my parents weren't invited unless they had a pre-arrangement to assist with chaperoning. And if my parents were coming to assist, my brother and sister would have come along as well.
A wedding is completely different. No matter how close this woman is with one child, you cannot break a social unit. Minor children are social units and it is very much all or nothing. (Meaning Just parents= fine, Parents and all children= fine, Parents and 1 child= not fine).
Inviting one child over their siblings because you are close with them and have never met her siblings is like inviting one co-worker because you are close but not their spouse because you have never met their spouse. Just because the co-worker is the "primary guest" doesn't mean its ok to break a social unit. **BOXESBOXES**

huskypuppy14 here although I think it's a matter of how we define social units in this instance when the child is the primary guest. Parent --> children is a family, a social unit and yes it would be rude to break that up. But when the child is the actual guest being invited, I can see the child --> parent as a single social unit, but I don't know if I see that extending to their siblings.

novella1186 · April 2015

redoryx said:
LondonLisa said:

huskypuppy14 said:

LondonLisa said:
@LondonLisa and @Jen4948
I was definitely inviting them with their parents, that would be just weird haha. I am and have been close with them families ever since teaching them (they haven't been my students for 4-5 years) and their parents are just as close to me as their daughters are. The girls still contact me as a mentor for advice, which at that age is relationship advice, and I felt that inviting them to the wedding was appropriate, as well a possibly a good example for them.
Yes, but the problem arises when your dance student "Katie" is invited with her parents. Katie's two little brothers (aged 9 and 11) must also be invited to not split the family. Your 13 and up cutoff only works when it does not split siblings. In the long run, inviting these students is probably not the best way to save space.
So this might be unpopular, but I'm going to disagree in this instance. Usually, yes it's best not to split up siblings, but this is usually when the parents are the primary guest.

It seems that her students are the primary guest, and their parents are invited as a courtesy, logistics, etc. I think when the child is the primary guest, it's ok to not invite their siblings. If Suzi is invited to a bar mitzvah her siblings don't get to go too. Same with birthday parties.

Now, I think it would be best to invite the whole family, but I don't think it's necessary in this case.

But the difference is that a bar mitzvah or birthday is it is a party for children. They are the target audience, chaperoned, and peers of the guest of honour. By the time I was old enough to be invited to birthday parties, I received my own invitation- my parents weren't invited unless they had a pre-arrangement to assist with chaperoning. And if my parents were coming to assist, my brother and sister would have come along as well.

A wedding is completely different. No matter how close this woman is with one child, you cannot break a social unit. Minor children are social units and it is very much all or nothing. (Meaning Just parents= fine, Parents and all children= fine, Parents and 1 child= not fine).

Inviting one child over their siblings because you are close with them and have never met her siblings is like inviting one co-worker because you are close but not their spouse because you have never met their spouse. Just because the co-worker is the "primary guest" doesn't mean its ok to break a social unit.

**BOXESBOXES**

huskypuppy14 here although I think it's a matter of how we define social units in this instance when the child is the primary guest. Parent --> children is a family, a social unit and yes it would be rude to break that up. But when the child is the actual guest being invited, I can see the child --> parent as a single social unit, but I don't know if I see that extending to their siblings.

---------------preemptive box------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, this reminded me of a situation that happened when I was in high school. The volleyball coach got married and invited her team (I guess they were really close-knit; I had a bunch of friends on the team and they said it was like a family). The girls all ranged from 16-18 years old, I think.

I remember them all going to the wedding together as a group, so I'm assuming their parents weren't invited?

In this situation, considering some of them were still minors, was it rude to not invite the parents? Or was it ok because there was a group of them going together and they were so close-knit? I'm honestly curious to know what you knotties think of this scenario.

banana468 · April 2015

I think it honestly depends on the age of the guest. My cousins were readers and in their teens when I got married. Their mother didn't go to the RD and that wasn't an issue.

At DD's age, she doesn't go to any party without me. She's still too young for the drop off and go deal. But when she gets older, she may be able to go have a blast for a few hours.

In this situation, depending on the age of the child logistics of the event, I don't see the issue inviting only one child and one parent.

anjemon · April 2015

Knottie64226258 said:
@LondonLisa and @Jen4948
I was definitely inviting them with their parents, that would be just weird haha. I am and have been close with them families ever since teaching them (they haven't been my students for 4-5 years) and their parents are just as close to me as their daughters are. The girls still contact me as a mentor for advice, which at that age is relationship advice, and I felt that inviting them to the wedding was appropriate, as well a possibly a good example for them.

I'm just commenting to say one of my cousins did this and I thought it worked well. She actually had the girls as flower girls (they were younger). The parents were invited and attended (although I don't know about siblings). The girls were adorable in the ceremony and loved the dance floor. I thought it was unique and fit my cousin who now owns her own dance studio.

huskypuppy14 · April 2015

novella1186 said:

redoryx said:
LondonLisa said:

huskypuppy14 said:

LondonLisa said:
@LondonLisa and @Jen4948
I was definitely inviting them with their parents, that would be just weird haha. I am and have been close with them families ever since teaching them (they haven't been my students for 4-5 years) and their parents are just as close to me as their daughters are. The girls still contact me as a mentor for advice, which at that age is relationship advice, and I felt that inviting them to the wedding was appropriate, as well a possibly a good example for them.
Yes, but the problem arises when your dance student "Katie" is invited with her parents. Katie's two little brothers (aged 9 and 11) must also be invited to not split the family. Your 13 and up cutoff only works when it does not split siblings. In the long run, inviting these students is probably not the best way to save space.
So this might be unpopular, but I'm going to disagree in this instance. Usually, yes it's best not to split up siblings, but this is usually when the parents are the primary guest.

It seems that her students are the primary guest, and their parents are invited as a courtesy, logistics, etc. I think when the child is the primary guest, it's ok to not invite their siblings. If Suzi is invited to a bar mitzvah her siblings don't get to go too. Same with birthday parties.

Now, I think it would be best to invite the whole family, but I don't think it's necessary in this case.
But the difference is that a bar mitzvah or birthday is it is a party for children. They are the target audience, chaperoned, and peers of the guest of honour. By the time I was old enough to be invited to birthday parties, I received my own invitation- my parents weren't invited unless they had a pre-arrangement to assist with chaperoning. And if my parents were coming to assist, my brother and sister would have come along as well.

A wedding is completely different. No matter how close this woman is with one child, you cannot break a social unit. Minor children are social units and it is very much all or nothing. (Meaning Just parents= fine, Parents and all children= fine, Parents and 1 child= not fine).

Inviting one child over their siblings because you are close with them and have never met her siblings is like inviting one co-worker because you are close but not their spouse because you have never met their spouse. Just because the co-worker is the "primary guest" doesn't mean its ok to break a social unit.

**BOXESBOXES**

huskypuppy14 here although I think it's a matter of how we define social units in this instance when the child is the primary guest. Parent --> children is a family, a social unit and yes it would be rude to break that up. But when the child is the actual guest being invited, I can see the child --> parent as a single social unit, but I don't know if I see that extending to their siblings.

---------------preemptive box------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, this reminded me of a situation that happened when I was in high school. The volleyball coach got married and invited her team (I guess they were really close-knit; I had a bunch of friends on the team and they said it was like a family). The girls all ranged from 16-18 years old, I think.

I remember them all going to the wedding together as a group, so I'm assuming their parents weren't invited?

In this situation, considering some of them were still minors, was it rude to not invite the parents? Or was it ok because there was a group of them going together and they were so close-knit? I'm honestly curious to know what you knotties think of this scenario.

I don't think you have to invite the parents in this case, because the girls are older teenagers, and can probably drive themselves (and look after themselves).

I think when you are talking about inviting younger kids to a wedding, it makes sense to invite the parents, because someone has to look after them. The couple getting married usually can't do that. I still don't think that means you need to invite their siblings.

When there is a birthday party or event for another child, the parents of that child are usually looking after all the kids.

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