Unable to invite FSMIL's family

louxnoelle · April 2015

My FI is very close with his stepmother; she has never had any children of her own, and truly loves FI and his brother as if they were her own. As we move towards solidifying our guest list, our numbers are steadily creeping higher and higher. We want to be proper hosts and offer +1's, open bar, etc. so we quickly reached our limit, added a bit more to the budget, but have now reached the new limit.

My mother and father's families are relatively small. I am not close with my stepfather's family and will not be inviting them, and my father is not remarried. FI's family is quite larger, and currently comprises over 2/3 of the guest list; no issue there. The issue is that FSMIL is expecting her family to also be invited, and we can't accommodate that. It would add about 30 people to our maxed-out guest list. As is, we're inviting 10 friends total, including SO's, to a wedding of about 125 - 135 people so that there will be room for his family.

FI sees no issue with this as he is not particularly close with her family, and "can't remember" if they were invited to his first wedding (I'm-a go ahead and guess they were). I'm of course worried about hurt feelings, and am looking for a polite and respectful way to deal with this inevitable conversation.

His parents are not contributing any money to the wedding as of now, which is fine because a) it's his second wedding, and b) we would never expect that regardless. (FI thinks they will offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner or something similar, which is very nice.) Because of that, I know etiquette says we aren't obligated. I just feel bad. It sucks. I'm rambling.

TL;DR (yup!) FSMIL is super close to FI and will be upset that her family is not being invited to the wedding. How do we gracefully handle the conversation?

JellyBean52513 · April 2015

louxnoelle said:
My FI is very close with his stepmother; she has never had any children of her own, and truly loves FI and his brother as if they were her own. As we move towards solidifying our guest list, our numbers are steadily creeping higher and higher. We want to be proper hosts and offer +1's, open bar, etc. so we quickly reached our limit, added a bit more to the budget, but have now reached the new limit.

My mother and father's families are relatively small. I am not close with my stepfather's family and will not be inviting them, and my father is not remarried. FI's family is quite larger, and currently comprises over 2/3 of the guest list; no issue there. The issue is that FSMIL is expecting her family to also be invited, and we can't accommodate that. It would add about 30 people to our maxed-out guest list. As is, we're inviting 10 friends total, including SO's, to a wedding of about 125 - 135 people so that there will be room for his family.

FI sees no issue with this as he is not particularly close with her family, and "can't remember" if they were invited to his first wedding (I'm-a go ahead and guess they were). I'm of course worried about hurt feelings, and am looking for a polite and respectful way to deal with this inevitable conversation.

His parents are not contributing any money to the wedding as of now, which is fine because a) it's his second wedding, and b) we would never expect that regardless. (FI thinks they will offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner or something similar, which is very nice.) Because of that, I know etiquette says we aren't obligated. I just feel bad. It sucks. I'm rambling.

TL;DR (yup!) FSMIL is super close to FI and will be upset that her family is not being invited to the wedding. How do we gracefully handle the conversation?

First off, your FI should be the one handling the conversation... unless, of course, you and his step-mom are very close. Even in that case, he should still be the one doing most of the communicating.

Second of all, you're right that nobody is entitled to an invite, but it does't make the situation any better. Is there anything at all that you can cut to accommodate some of her family? Favors aren't necessary, neither are STDs, printed menus, even programs, etc.

Third of all, consider the fact that your FI isn't terribly interested in accommodating these people. I totally understand you wanting to be fair and make everybody happy (when my SO and I went over a tentative, hypothetical, just-to-see guest list, I was shocked at the family members he was omitting, but he kept insisting it didn't really matter to him and would rather have other non-family people there instead). At the end of the day, it IS his wedding too and if he would rather have nice centerpieces vs. random step-family that aren't as important to him, that's more or less his call to make. Just make sure he's the one telling FSMIL that.

If you are going ahead with not inviting any of her family, I *personally* would prefer my FI to use verbiage along the lines of: "After putting together our most important VIPs for the guest list, we simply don't have any room left to invite anybody else. Maybe sometime in the future we can throw a kick-ass BBQ and have everybody over to party, but for the wedding itself, we're pretty much deadlocked with the guest list we have. It's absolutely nothing personal, we'd love to invite everybody from the family, but we just can't. I hope you understand."

[Deleted User] · April 2015

redoryx · April 2015

pinkrevenge said:
Are you giving +1's to truly single people? If so, cut those and use that amount to invite some of FSMIL's family.

This.

Also, unless someone has already offered to host the rehearsal dinner, don't just except or anticipate they will without a contingency plan. You should go ahead and just start planning the RD you can afford (assuming you're planning on having a rehearsal) and then if someone offers to help pay for it, great.

RebeccaFlower · April 2015

Hi OP! Sounds like you're trying to do everything right, so kudos to you!

I second cutting plus ones of truly single guests and maybe giving FSMIL ten guests? There can be a balance here that doesn't seem like a slap in the face. However, I will say that I am always for inviting people you want there and cutting something more trivial, like could you scale back your bar for beer and wine? I would do that IF you want those people to attend.

louxnoelle · April 2015

Hi, ladies! Thank you for your responses, they're appreciated.

We've cut back in areas to invite some more guests (flowers, DIY invites, less expensive this-or-that), and now it's more of an issue of what the venue can accommodate; we're right up against their maximum. I'm worried that people will start to feel squished!

I guess the biggest point is what @JellyBean52513 mentioned, which is that I'm stressing myself out over people from FI's family who he's ultimately indifferent about, haha. I'm most worried about hurt feelings and making sure nobody feels slighted.

The game-plan had been to maybe invite her siblings without their adult children, but that's another eight people right there. I'll have to go back and see who is getting +1's - there's definitely a chance we had planned to give some to unattached people. It probably won't be eight spots worth, but it will help.

Second question: What do you do if you invited somebody to the wedding while he or she was single, no +1, and by the time the date rolls around there's an SO? Just wondering.

@redoryx Not to worry, there's an achievable gameplan for rehearsal dinner with or without his parents paying. We're not banking on anybody.

Thank you again, ladies! That really helped to sort my thoughts out.

mlg78 · April 2015

louxnoelle said:
Hi, ladies! Thank you for your responses, they're appreciated.

We've cut back in areas to invite some more guests (flowers, DIY invites, less expensive this-or-that), and now it's more of an issue of what the venue can accommodate; we're right up against their maximum. I'm worried that people will start to feel squished!

I guess the biggest point is what @JellyBean52513 mentioned, which is that I'm stressing myself out over people from FI's family who he's ultimately indifferent about, haha. I'm most worried about hurt feelings and making sure nobody feels slighted.

The game-plan had been to maybe invite her siblings without their adult children, but that's another eight people right there. I'll have to go back and see who is getting +1's - there's definitely a chance we had planned to give some to unattached people. It probably won't be eight spots worth, but it will help.

Second question: What do you do if you invited somebody to the wedding while he or she was single, no +1, and by the time the date rolls around there's an SO? Just wondering.

@redoryx Not to worry, there's an achievable gameplan for rehearsal dinner with or without his parents paying. We're not banking on anybody.

Thank you again, ladies! That really helped to sort my thoughts out.

If they're single at the time of invites being sent and they get into a relationship in the 8 weeks between the invites going out and the wedding, try to accommodate their +1 from the declines that you get. If you have no declines, do your best...but I'd think most people would be understanding if you couldn't invite their brand new significant other.

louxnoelle · April 2015

Thanks, @mlg78! I figured the answer was something along those lines, but didn't know if that was considered B-listing.

TBH, I thought B-listing was a completeky acceptable solution to my original problem until I lurked here for a while and realized how rude it actually is! That's embarrassing, haha.

I'm tryin'! Thank you all again.

ETA: We checked out our guest list and were able to remove five +1's from currently single guests and add in FSMIL's siblings and their spouses. That still added three people to our guest list, but it's worth it. Little bit of a gamble hoping that nobody needs any more guests for future relationships, but hopefully declines can cover that. Thanks so much!

RebeccaFlower · April 2015

louxnoelle said:
Thanks, @mlg78! I figured the answer was something along those lines, but didn't know if that was considered B-listing.

TBH, I thought B-listing was a completeky acceptable solution to my original problem until I lurked here for a while and realized how rude it actually is! That's embarrassing, haha.

I'm tryin'! Thank you all again.

ETA: We checked out our guest list and were able to remove five +1's from currently single guests and add in FSMIL's siblings and their spouses. That still added three people to our guest list, but it's worth it. Little bit of a gamble hoping that nobody needs any more guests for future relationships, but hopefully declines can cover that. Thanks so much!

You're fabulous. Just make sure you don't go over your max number for the venue, you don't want to get shut down

louxnoelle · April 2015

You're right, @scribe95 - As mentioned, we will be able to invite her siblings and their spouses, which I feel very good about.

huskypuppy14 · April 2015

I'm going to disagree with pp. If you want to give plus ones to everyone, there is no reason to cut those for people your FI doesn't even care comes. And why should step mother get almost 20% of the guest list for an event she's not paying for when your friends only comprise 6%.

You and FI are paying for your own wedding, so you get to choose your guest list.

Now it's always smart to take family politics into consideration. But I think 30 people on a step mother's side is ridiculous (for a 135 person wedding). How long has step mother been in the family?

Now scribe has a good idea. There could be a compromise in there. Also, plus ones for truly single guests can be given out when declines happen, because it's considered a "phantom guest". That's not considered B listing.

The best advice is too late for the OP, but for lurkers, try to compile your guest list before you pick a venue. Budget first, then guest list, then venue. Or at least pick a venue that can accommodate more than you would ever want to invite. I originally wanted to keep our guest list under 150. We invited 160. If we picked a venue that had a max of 150, we'd be in trouble.

blabla89 · April 2015

huskypuppy14 said:
I'm going to disagree with pp. If you want to give plus ones to everyone, there is no reason to cut those for people your FI doesn't even care comes. And why should step mother get almost 20% of the guest list for an event she's not paying for when your friends only comprise 6%.

You and FI are paying for your own wedding, so you get to choose your guest list.

Now it's always smart to take family politics into consideration. But I think 30 people on a step mother's side is ridiculous (for a 135 person wedding). How long has step mother been in the family?

Now scribe has a good idea. There could be a compromise in there. Also, plus ones for truly single guests can be given out when declines happen, because it's considered a "phantom guest". That's not considered B listing.

The best advice is too late for the OP, but for lurkers, try to compile your guest list before you pick a venue. Budget first, then guest list, then venue. Or at least pick a venue that can accommodate more than you would ever want to invite. I originally wanted to keep our guest list under 150. We invited 160. If we picked a venue that had a max of 150, we'd be in trouble.

This.

Listen, it's not wrong to say no sometimes. Personally, I would just not discuss the guest list with her unless she brings it up. Next time she says something that implies that she expects her people to be invited, you can say something like "thank you, but the guest list has already been finalized" or "unfortunately we are just not able to invite everyone". That's a polite and appropriate way to handle it. If your FSMIL takes issue with it, then that's her problem and not yours.

lovegood90 · April 2015

blabla89 said:

huskypuppy14 said:
I'm going to disagree with pp. If you want to give plus ones to everyone, there is no reason to cut those for people your FI doesn't even care comes. And why should step mother get almost 20% of the guest list for an event she's not paying for when your friends only comprise 6%.

You and FI are paying for your own wedding, so you get to choose your guest list.

Now it's always smart to take family politics into consideration. But I think 30 people on a step mother's side is ridiculous (for a 135 person wedding). How long has step mother been in the family?

Now scribe has a good idea. There could be a compromise in there. Also, plus ones for truly single guests can be given out when declines happen, because it's considered a "phantom guest". That's not considered B listing.

The best advice is too late for the OP, but for lurkers, try to compile your guest list before you pick a venue. Budget first, then guest list, then venue. Or at least pick a venue that can accommodate more than you would ever want to invite. I originally wanted to keep our guest list under 150. We invited 160. If we picked a venue that had a max of 150, we'd be in trouble.
This.

Listen, it's not wrong to say no sometimes. Personally, I would just not discuss the guest list with her unless she brings it up. Next time she says something that implies that she expects her people to be invited, you can say something like "thank you, but the guest list has already been finalized" or "unfortunately we are just not able to invite everyone". That's a polite and appropriate way to handle it. If your FSMIL takes issue with it, then that's her problem and not yours.

Agree with all this. I'm actually pretty surprised at how many people think someone who isn't paying is entitled to 30 guests (or anywhere in between).

Obviously to keep the peace/as a nice gesture you can offer her a few. But you're by no means out of line for not doing so, especially since your Fi doesn't care to have them there.

flantastic · April 2015

scribe95 said:
My in-laws didn't pay a penny to the wedding. So they weren't to have any guests? No way. They are family and are entitled to some deference. I hate when everyone gets all caught up in percentages and money and ignore common sense and politeness.

No, but when deference is required also takes common sense, and oftentimes the people who demand things the loudest are also the ones who deserve it the least.

MyNameIsNot · April 2015

scribe95 said:
My in-laws didn't pay a penny to the wedding. So they weren't to have any guests? No way. They are family and are entitled to some deference. I hate when everyone gets all caught up in percentages and money and ignore common sense and politeness.

No, because your in-laws are the groom's family. Their family is his family.

In OP, the couple is not close to step-mom's family, and the groom doesn't care if they are invited or not. If your ILs had insisted that they be able to invite 30 of their friends that your spouse didn't care about, you'd be comparing apples to apples, and you'd be right to tell them no.

ConcreteTumbleWeed · April 2015

I'm having this issue now as well. And my answer was "NO" (in a much nicer way).

Our wedding will be on the big side but we are still trying to hover around our minimum. The other day, my fiance's stepmother called me, called my fiance, his mom and his sister to talk about inviting around 15 people from her family, because she doesn't get to see them and this would be a good opportunity to.

My fiance doesn't want to, nor do I. His sister said it would be nice but not required (I had already made up my mind by then anyway). My mom and my fiance and I are pretty much paying for the entire wedding. The only thing his mom is paying for is the flowers (which is fine and a nice gesture). As kindly as possible, I mentioned to his stepmom that we cannot add that many guests at this point and that we wanted close family and friends at the wedding (we have never met these people before). I'm not sure if she was upset over it but throughout this whole process, I learned that you cannot please everyone. It is whatever you are comfortable doing. If you are happy with the way your guest list is and don't want to make changes, it's your prerogative to say "no".

[Deleted User] · April 2015

JellyBean52513 · April 2015

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
I'm having this issue now as well. And my answer was "NO" (in a much nicer way).

Our wedding will be on the big side but we are still trying to hover around our minimum. The other day, my fiance's stepmother called me, called my fiance, his mom and his sister to talk about inviting around 15 people from her family, because she doesn't get to see them and this would be a good opportunity to.

My fiance doesn't want to, nor do I. His sister said it would be nice but not required (I had already made up my mind by then anyway). My mom and my fiance and I are pretty much paying for the entire wedding. The only thing his mom is paying for is the flowers (which is fine and a nice gesture). As kindly as possible, I mentioned to his stepmom that we cannot add that many guests at this point and that we wanted close family and friends at the wedding (we have never met these people before). I'm not sure if she was upset over it but throughout this whole process, I learned that you cannot please everyone. It is whatever you are comfortable doing. If you are happy with the way your guest list is and don't want to make changes, it's your prerogative to say "no".

Never will understand why people treat the weddings of OTHERS as their opportunity to have a family reunion.

Unable to invite FSMIL's family

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