"Best friend" drops out of wedding two months before :(

Re: "Best friend" drops out of wedding two months before :(

• photokitty mod

  

  April 2015 edited April 2015

  skiperdee101 said:

  My best friend has been going through some sort of life crisis for the past year and a half or so. We have been friends for years until suddenly an old friend of hers from her home town moved to our city and all of a sudden she flipped a switch and began acting like a different person, all while slowly moving away from me and our friendship more and more. Obviously this has been very hurtful and difficult, made worse by the fact that she refused to acknowledge that anything was different or wrong, pretty much at all. . . it took a YEAR for her to actually keep plans with me long enough to talk about things. I'll spare you all the gory details, so this post doesn't turn into a novel, but basically she's just been acting more and more hurtful towards me. I'd gotten the sense that she didn't want to be part of my wedding before and tried to bring it up, but she kept denying it. This morning she sent me an e-mail saying she was dropping out of the wedding (which is now only 2 months away) and even though I pretty much saw it coming, I'm so hurt and upset that she doesn't care to even be there for me at all. We were seriously close like sisters, and even though I don't think relationships should be based on who did what for whom, I can't help being pissed that I did so much work and payed so much money doing things for her wedding. Now I've spent even more money on her, getting things like her bridesmaid gift. I guess I'm really just venting more than anything and seeing if anyone has had a similar experience or has any advice? I'm so upset and so hurt and so embarrassed ( I really dread having to explain to people that this person who I cared about so much cared so little for me in return). I feel like I've already wasted so much of what should be my happy engagement being upset about her, I just really don't want this to leak into my wedding day as well. 

  That sucks, when a friendship changes drastically or ends it's never easy. 

  
  

  You basically have two options - talk to her and get to the root of what's happening. Work to save your relationship with your frined, don't worry about saving your wedding party. 

   Or cut your losses, move on, return her bridesmaid gifts, cancel her flowers, dust it off and be happy about your upcoming wedding.

  
  

  Only you can decide if you want this woman in your life or if it's time to make a clean break and move on. It sounds like the friendship has run it's course.

  ~xoxo~

  
  

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• ashley8918 member

  

  April 2015

  skiperdee101 said:

  My best friend has been going through some sort of life crisis for the past year and a half or so. We have been friends for years until suddenly an old friend of hers from her home town moved to our city and all of a sudden she flipped a switch and began acting like a different person, all while slowly moving away from me and our friendship more and more. Obviously this has been very hurtful and difficult, made worse by the fact that she refused to acknowledge that anything was different or wrong, pretty much at all. . . it took a YEAR for her to actually keep plans with me long enough to talk about things. I'll spare you all the gory details, so this post doesn't turn into a novel, but basically she's just been acting more and more hurtful towards me. I'd gotten the sense that she didn't want to be part of my wedding before and tried to bring it up, but she kept denying it. This morning she sent me an e-mail saying she was dropping out of the wedding (which is now only 2 months away) and even though I pretty much saw it coming, I'm so hurt and upset that she doesn't care to even be there for me at all. We were seriously close like sisters, and even though I don't think relationships should be based on who did what for whom, I can't help being pissed that I did so much work and payed so much money doing things for her wedding. Now I've spent even more money on her, getting things like her bridesmaid gift. I guess I'm really just venting more than anything and seeing if anyone has had a similar experience or has any advice? I'm so upset and so hurt and so embarrassed ( I really dread having to explain to people that this person who I cared about so much cared so little for me in return). I feel like I've already wasted so much of what should be my happy engagement being upset about her, I just really don't want this to leak into my wedding day as well. 

  Did you ever think that maybe this was more important than your wedding? Did you try to talk to her about what was going on with her (NOT in any way relating it back to your wedding)?

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• novella1186 member

  

  April 2015

  skiperdee101 said:

  My best friend has been going through some sort of life crisis for the past year and a half or so. We have been friends for years until suddenly an old friend of hers from her home town moved to our city and all of a sudden she flipped a switch and began acting like a different person, all while slowly moving away from me and our friendship more and more. Obviously this has been very hurtful and difficult, made worse by the fact that she refused to acknowledge that anything was different or wrong, pretty much at all. . . it took a YEAR for her to actually keep plans with me long enough to talk about things. I'll spare you all the gory details, so this post doesn't turn into a novel, but basically she's just been acting more and more hurtful towards me. I'd gotten the sense that she didn't want to be part of my wedding before and tried to bring it up, but she kept denying it. This morning she sent me an e-mail saying she was dropping out of the wedding (which is now only 2 months away) and even though I pretty much saw it coming, I'm so hurt and upset that she doesn't care to even be there for me at all. We were seriously close like sisters, and even though I don't think relationships should be based on who did what for whom, I can't help being pissed that I did so much work and payed so much money doing things for her wedding. Now I've spent even more money on her, getting things like her bridesmaid gift. I guess I'm really just venting more than anything and seeing if anyone has had a similar experience or has any advice? I'm so upset and so hurt and so embarrassed ( I really dread having to explain to people that this person who I cared about so much cared so little for me in return). I feel like I've already wasted so much of what should be my happy engagement being upset about her, I just really don't want this to leak into my wedding day as well. 

  I get that is sucks. My sister was supposed to be my MOH but ended up dropping out of my wedding after saying some pretty terrible things to me. It got to the point that I went to therapy to sort it all out. 

  
  

  The important thing, though, is that you get to marry the love of your life, and your friends and family who love you will be there to celebrate with you. 

  
  

  As to the bolded, you do not owe any explanation to anyone. If they ask why she isn't in the wedding anymore, simply say, "She had some other things going on." or "She had to change her plans" and just leave it at that, then change the subject. If you talk badly about her or air your dirty laundry in public, you only make yourself look bad. 

  
  

  Take the high road, and focus on all the good people in your life. You have to just move on from this, because trust me, holding onto all the hurt and hostility is going to eat away at you. 

  

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• mikenberger member

  

  April 2015 edited April 2015

  skiperdee101 said:

  My best friend has been going through some sort of life crisis for the past year and a half or so. We have been friends for years until suddenly an old friend of hers from her home town moved to our city and all of a sudden she flipped a switch and began acting like a different person, all while slowly moving away from me and our friendship more and more. Obviously this has been very hurtful and difficult, made worse by the fact that she refused to acknowledge that anything was different or wrong, pretty much at all. . . it took a YEAR for her to actually keep plans with me long enough to talk about things. I'll spare you all the gory details, so this post doesn't turn into a novel, but basically she's just been acting more and more hurtful towards me. I'd gotten the sense that she didn't want to be part of my wedding before and tried to bring it up, but she kept denying it. This morning she sent me an e-mail saying she was dropping out of the wedding (which is now only 2 months away) and even though I pretty much saw it coming, I'm so hurt and upset that she doesn't care to even be there for me at all. We were seriously close like sisters, and even though I don't think relationships should be based on who did what for whom, I can't help being pissed that I did so much work and payed so much money doing things for her wedding. Now I've spent even more money on her, getting things like her bridesmaid gift. I guess I'm really just venting more than anything and seeing if anyone has had a similar experience or has any advice? I'm so upset and so hurt and so embarrassed ( I really dread having to explain to people that this person who I cared about so much cared so little for me in return). I feel like I've already wasted so much of what should be my happy engagement being upset about her, I just really don't want this to leak into my wedding day as well. 

  You keep saying things like "I spent money on her for my wedding." "I got her a gift." "I did so much work."

  
  

  What happened to losing your best friend? Shouldn't that be more important? I would be moving on with my day and contacting my best friend to see how and if we can fix our friendship. Not how I can get her back into my bridal party because my wedding is two months away.

  
  

  
  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  April 2015

  skiperdee101 said:

  My best friend has been going through some sort of life crisis for the past year and a half or so. We have been friends for years until suddenly an old friend of hers from her home town moved to our city and all of a sudden she flipped a switch and began acting like a different person, all while slowly moving away from me and our friendship more and more. Obviously this has been very hurtful and difficult, made worse by the fact that she refused to acknowledge that anything was different or wrong, pretty much at all. . . it took a YEAR for her to actually keep plans with me long enough to talk about things. I'll spare you all the gory details, so this post doesn't turn into a novel, but basically she's just been acting more and more hurtful towards me. I'd gotten the sense that she didn't want to be part of my wedding before and tried to bring it up, but she kept denying it. This morning she sent me an e-mail saying she was dropping out of the wedding (which is now only 2 months away) and even though I pretty much saw it coming, I'm so hurt and upset that she doesn't care to even be there for me at all. We were seriously close like sisters, and even though I don't think relationships should be based on who did what for whom, I can't help being pissed that I did so much work and payed so much money doing things for her wedding. Now I've spent even more money on her, getting things like her bridesmaid gift. I guess I'm really just venting more than anything and seeing if anyone has had a similar experience or has any advice? I'm so upset and so hurt and so embarrassed ( I really dread having to explain to people that this person who I cared about so much cared so little for me in return). I feel like I've already wasted so much of what should be my happy engagement being upset about her, I just really don't want this to leak into my wedding day as well. 

  People change.  Relationships change.  Friendships change.  Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.  Does it suck?  Yes.  But it isn't like this was a big bomb dropped on you that you didn't see coming.  You seem like you have tried to mend the friendship and find out what is wrong many times.  You can only try so much.  So mourn the loss of the friendship but then move on and focus on happier things.

  
  

  As for the bolded.  You don't have to provide anyone with any explanation.  If someone asks you can just say "she had something come up."  And leave it at that.

  
  

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• lovegood90 member

  

  April 2015

  skiperdee101 said:

  My best friend has been going through some sort of life crisis for the past year and a half or so. We have been friends for years until suddenly an old friend of hers from her home town moved to our city and all of a sudden she flipped a switch and began acting like a different person, all while slowly moving away from me and our friendship more and more. Obviously this has been very hurtful and difficult, made worse by the fact that she refused to acknowledge that anything was different or wrong, pretty much at all. . . it took a YEAR for her to actually keep plans with me long enough to talk about things. I'll spare you all the gory details, so this post doesn't turn into a novel, but basically she's just been acting more and more hurtful towards me. I'd gotten the sense that she didn't want to be part of my wedding before and tried to bring it up, but she kept denying it. This morning she sent me an e-mail saying she was dropping out of the wedding (which is now only 2 months away) and even though I pretty much saw it coming, I'm so hurt and upset that she doesn't care to even be there for me at all. We were seriously close like sisters, and even though I don't think relationships should be based on who did what for whom, I can't help being pissed that I did so much work and payed so much money doing things for her wedding. Now I've spent even more money on her, getting things like her bridesmaid gift. I guess I'm really just venting more than anything and seeing if anyone has had a similar experience or has any advice? I'm so upset and so hurt and so embarrassed ( I really dread having to explain to people that this person who I cared about so much cared so little for me in return). I feel like I've already wasted so much of what should be my happy engagement being upset about her, I just really don't want this to leak into my wedding day as well. 

  
  
  Did she explain why she dropped out? Does she have anything going on in her life preventing her from being there, or did she say you guys aren't as close? Also, have you been possibly talking about the wedding too much- were you making an effort to be there for her outside of the wedding and just as a friend?

  That does always hurt when you realize relationships change like that, so I know how you feel.
  

  Formerly martha1818

  

  
  

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• FiancB member

  

  April 2015

  So I sympathize, because I've also had a friend drift similarly, although that was a long time ago. My bff dropped out at a similar time, but I knew the main issue was finances so I bought her plane ticket and all was well. We don't talk all that often anymore but we're the kind of friends that can pick right up where we left off, so I don't feel like we're in a crisis or anything like that. 

  
  

  Is it possible something like this is going on? Maybe SHE feels like YOU don't care about her anymore. Maybe you come across as not caring about her crisis because you care about your wedding. 

  
  

  I mean sometimes people do suddenly decide to ditch their friends for no apparent reason, but not usually. 

  
  

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• larrygaga member

  

  April 2015

  Did you ever think that she might be more focused on her own life than your wedding? It's annoying when you have real life going on and your best friend only wants to talk about their irrelevant shit. I've been in that boat and I am also no longer friends with her.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• skiperdee101 member

  

  April 2015

  I don't know that I keep saying those things. . . I said it one time and yes losing my best friend is more important than any money or effort spent, that's sort of my point. I'm upset about the loss of my friendship.

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• themuffinman16 member

  

  April 2015

  Maybe when you kept bringing it up to her that you thought she didn't want to be in your wedding, it made her think you did not want her in your wedding. Maybe make a date to hang out with her, and put your wedding aside. Do not talk about your wedding at all. Losing her friendship is more important than your wedding. Maybe she had something terrible happen to her, and felt she could not talk to you about it, because she didn't want to bother you or that you were too busy.

     Maybe this will all work out, and the two of you can get back on track. I understand missing your friend.  Even if your relationship does not get better, this day is about you and your soon to be husband.  If she does not attend,  you will, still,  be married to your FI. You should consider the day a great success.

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• skiperdee101 member

  

  April 2015

  Thank you @novella1186, you're right and I'll take your advice about the explanation.  

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• littlepep member

  

  April 2015

  Did you talk to her about what's going on in her life? You said she's having a crisis. Maybe she feels like you aren't there for her. Your wedding is a major life event for YOU, not necessarily other people. You need to keep that in mind and make sure you are still being supportive of your friends and what's going on in their lives. 

  
  

  And it sucks to drift away from people, but it's part of life. Sometime you just have to accept that they were good friends for a certain time-frame, but not life-long friends. And that's ok too. 

  

  
  

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  April 2015

  themuffinman16 said:

  Maybe when you kept bringing it up to her that you thought she didn't want to be in your wedding, it made her think you did not want her in your wedding. 
  

  This.

  
  

  But more generally: I've been there too, just earlier in the process.  And it really sucks, especially because this girl completely dropped me and stopped returning texts or calls, so I never even got closure.  It was early enough in the wedding process that I hadn't talked wedding with her really at all, and hadn't yet asked her to be a BM, but the loss of the friendship really hurts.  I still wonder what I did wrong (if anything) and I probably will not ever know.

  
  

  Did your friend say she is not attending the wedding at all, or just doesn't want to be a BM?  I think that might be telling about whether she wants to fully end the friendship, or just feels overwhelmed by too much wedding talk and too high BM expectations.

  
  

  You can try to save the friendship by only talking about life with her, not your wedding.  But sometimes friendships end.  And it sucks, but it's just gonna hurt and there's not much you can do about it in that case.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• skiperdee101 member

  

  April 2015

  I haven't given a lot of the details in this post, but yes I certainly have tried MANY times to be there for her and focus on what's going on in her life. I never even brought up my wedding unless she asked me about it first. It's just like many of you are saying, the friendship has run it's course- which is easy to say, but extremely hard to go through. I can't be there for someone who won't let me be there for them.

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• novella1186 member

  

  April 2015

  themuffinman16 said:

  Maybe when you kept bringing it up to her that you thought she didn't want to be in your wedding, it made her think you did not want her in your wedding. Maybe make a date to hang out with her, and put your wedding aside. Do not talk about your wedding at all. Losing her friendship is more important than your wedding. Maybe she had something terrible happen to her, and felt she could not talk to you about it, because she didn't want to bother you or that you were too busy.

     Maybe this will all work out, and the two of you can get back on track. I understand missing your friend.  Even if your relationship does not get better, this day is about you and your soon to be husband.  If she does not attend,  you will, still,  be married to your FI. You should consider the day a great success.

  This is really great advice, OP. If you still care to salvage the friendship, you should reach out to her and leave your wedding out of it. 

  
  

  You may have done or said some things that made her feel bad without even realizing it. And you said she's been in crisis. Maybe she needs someone to be there for her and she feels like you've been completely focused on your wedding and neglecting her? Who knows. It takes 2 people to make a friendship work, and 2 people to make a friendship fail. 

  
  

  Best of luck. 

  

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• littlepep member

  

  April 2015

  skiperdee101 said:

  I haven't given a lot of the details in this post, but yes I certainly have tried MANY times to be there for her and focus on what's going on in her life. I never even brought up my wedding unless she asked me about it first. It's just like many of you are saying, the friendship has run it's course- which is easy to say, but extremely hard to go through. I can't be there for someone who won't let me be there for them.

  Sometimes that happens though. It certainly sucks, but you can't make someone be your friend. And really do you want to be friends with someone when you are the one doing all the communication? I've had friends that I used to be super close to that I barely speak to now, not out hate or because one of us did something wrong. Sometimes friendships just fizzle. 

  

  
  

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• badbnagdway member

  

  April 2015

  I'm sure it was hurtful to receive this news. I think there is a lot of good advice already. Friendships change. You drift closer and then further, and then sometimes back again. You said up-front that she is and has been having a crisis. What is the crisis?

  
  

  The decision you have to make is whether or not you want to try to rescue the friendship. If this is the important friendship you say it is, I think you should try to see what you can do to help her with whatever is going on with her. Leave it separate from your wedding. She is out of your wedding, she doesn't have to be out of your life. 

  
  

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• novella1186 member

  

  April 2015 edited April 2015

  skiperdee101 said:

  I haven't given a lot of the details in this post, but yes I certainly have tried MANY times to be there for her and focus on what's going on in her life. I never even brought up my wedding unless she asked me about it first. It's just like many of you are saying, the friendship has run it's course- which is easy to say, but extremely hard to go through. I can't be there for someone who won't let me be there for them.

  Yeah, this happened with a girl I was friends with for over 20 years. She was my best friend and we were super close. But over the years she became kind of a crappy friend, and I realized it had become a one-sided friendship where I was making all the effort and always trying to do things for her and stay in communication, and she was treating me crappy. 

  
  

  Then she kind of just stopped talking to me. Nothing happened, she just stopped. I tried a few times to contact her and then I realized we were just done. I didn't have the energy anymore, and it wasn't worth the effort anymore. 

  
  

  It hurt for a long time, but these things happen, and eventually I kind of forgot about her. You'll get past it, it just takes time. Like I said earlier, focus on the positive people in your life, and the fact that your wedding is still going to be awesome, and you still get to marry your FI. 

  

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• skiperdee101 member

  

  April 2015

  I agree with what most of you are saying, I still love her very much and would love to be able to salvage the friendship in some way, but I just don't think that she's in a place right now to want or be able to do that. I'm not going to say what she's going through, that's personal to her-- let's just say she describes it as a "spiritual transformation." I've certainly tried to be there for her as much as I can while being pushed away. I never got the impression that she thought I didn't want her in the wedding, but I'm not her and she isn't telling me much about how she feels right now so maybe that's what happened-- I just have no way to know unless she decides to open up. I accept the reality of friendships dying out, I get that it's an unfortunate part of life and all. It's just rough and the timing's extra unfortunate. I appreciate all of your advice though. 

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• Dreamergirl8812 member

  

  April 2015

  skiperdee101 said:

  I agree with what most of you are saying, I still love her very much and would love to be able to salvage the friendship in some way, but I just don't think that she's in a place right now to want or be able to do that. I'm not going to say what she's going through, that's personal to her-- let's just say she describes it as a "spiritual transformation." I've certainly tried to be there for her as much as I can while being pushed away. I never got the impression that she thought I didn't want her in the wedding, but I'm not her and she isn't telling me much about how she feels right now so maybe that's what happened-- I just have no way to know unless she decides to open up. I accept the reality of friendships dying out, I get that it's an unfortunate part of life and all. It's just rough and the timing's extra unfortunate. I appreciate all of your advice though. 

  Is she still married? It's strange that some new friend comes along and her whole personality changes.

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

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• debbeau member

  

  April 2015

  Since you said it is a spiritual transformation, is she changing to a new religion? My best friend from 3rd grade converted religions shortly before my wedding. When she told me she would not be at my reception I was hurt and confused. After asking her to honestly tell me what the issue is, she admitted she could not be around alcohol, would be uncomfortable with the way some guests would be dressed and does not eat the food we are having anymore. I respected that and understood and felt better knowing.

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• skiperdee101 member

  

  April 2015

  She is still married, but not very happily-- this is obviously a huge contributor to the problems between us. I can fully understand how being around someone getting married could be upsetting when your relationship is not going well which is why I've been trying so hard to be there for her, in spite of being hurt myself. I've told her many times that I'm on her side, that she has my full support no matter what and that I think her happiness is the most important thing whatever that may mean for her relationship. When she says spiritual she means evolving as a person, not a religious transformation. In an outside-of-the-situation way, I understand and am supportive of her changing and growing as a person, but as a flawed human being myself, with my own feelings and emotions, it's hurtful to be pushed away and feel like I'm giving a lot and not getting anything in return. Like I said, I'm really not shocked or confused as to why this is happening, just hurt and needed a chance to vent. 

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• melbenso member

  

  April 2015 edited April 2015

  It sucks, but you've got to be understanding about it, no matter what the reason.  And it doesn't mean your friendship has to end or that your friend doesn't care about you.
  
  My best friend dropped out of my wedding about 4 or 5 months before it.  She was struggling with some mental health issues.  They actually made her behave like quite an asshole for a while - suddenly she hated my (now) husband who she had adored for years, couldn't stand weddings, was threatening to do really inappropriate things at my wedding like be drunk during the ceremony, refusing to buy a bridesmaids dress (dress of her choice, color I picked with her input), etc.  It was the illness talking but it was really hurtful to me. The prospect of "losing" her best friend added huge amounts of additional stress to her already fragile mental state. She was so bad off, I was at the point where I was going to tell her that if she did not get help for her illness, she would not be invited to my wedding.  Her behavior was so erratic and her judgment so impaired that I was concerned that she was a danger to herself or others.
  
  As I was steeling myself to have this conversation with her, she sent me a text that she could not be in or come to my wedding (a mutual friend had basically told her that if she didn't want to be in the wedding she should just tell me).  Even though I knew that she couldn't be there, both because she was unable to act appropriately and because it causing her so much stress and anguish, I was devastated. 
  
  I told her that if she was ready and changed her mind before the wedding, I would be happy to have her their as a guest.  I hoped and hoped that she would be well.  The day before my bachelorette party, she emailed me.  I could tell she was doing better.  At least her sentences were coherent and what she was talking about made sense.  But she still was struggling with a lot of things.
  
  But my wedding went on as planned.  The morning of the wedding, before I left to get my hair and make up done, I texted her that I loved her and I missed her and I wish she could have been there with me. She texted her congratulations back.  It felt a little strange to have my best friend absent on one of the most important days of my life.  But I was so busy and excited that I didn't really have time to dwell on it.
  
  Since then, she has gotten a lot of treatment, we have spent a lot of time talking about what the issues were and have repaired our friendship. 
  
  But I still wish she could have been there.
  

  

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