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NWR: What would you do?

Hi, ladies - I'm a little at a loss right now and I've gotten some great wedding-related advice on here recently, so I thought I'd turn to you with a sensitive NWR subject.

I'm a theatre instructor who works with kids ages K-12. Late last night, I got an email from a woman asking me to remove her grown daughter (a mother of two of my former students) from our theatre company's email mailing list, as the daughter and her husband had passed away in December, and receiving the newsletters was upsetting. I had absolutely no idea, and the information really shook me - the last time I had heard from the family was last spring, when the mother had said the kids were taking a break from theatre to focus on school and grades; they were 7 and 9 at the time.

I immediately wrote back saying how sorry I was, that I had no idea, and that I would of course remove the family from our mailing list. I said that the children were in my thoughts and prayers, and left it at that.

Turns out, the parents passed in a very traumatic way right around Christmas. I could not stop thinking about it all night, and had a lot of trouble sleeping. While I was tossing and turning, I remembered that I had a photograph of the little girl after her first show with us, holding a bouquet of roses and smiling with her parents. The photo is really lovely, and I'd like to make sure she has it.

The issue is, I don't want to just send it off in an email and have the family open it unawares; I'm sure if receiving theatre newsletters is upsetting, they don't want a photograph like that just popping up. I thought about emailing the grandmother and asking if she'd like the photo, but I also don't want her to think I'm pestering her, or trying to keep the conversation going. She's clearly trying to cut ties, and I want to respect that.

Would you send the photo? Ask if they'd like it? (I'd assume just by saying, "I remembered that I have a nice photo of your granddaughter and her parents. Would you like me to pass it along to you for her to have when she's ready?") Assume they have a copy and just let it go?

Forgive me if I'm over-thinking, this just has me a rattled and I'd appreciate the guidance. Thanks for your time.


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Re: NWR: What would you do?

  • I would email whoever emailed you first and let them know. I don't think it's trying to further the conversation! Just let them know you have it and that you will email it if they want it, and then you can discontinue conversation. That's a photo I think I would want for my family. It's not pestering if it's just a short and sweet email with no timeline on it. 

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  • How sad! I think you should email her back to tell her about the photo. I'm sure they'll come to treasure it. 
  • maeday2maeday2 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    I agree with PP's. 

    Losing someone in a traumatic way is a hard path to navigate. The photo may upset her today, but she may treasure it later on in the grieving process.

    Also, I'm sure the daughter would love to have that photo to remember her parents now and in the years to come. 


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  • I would email her letting her know you have it and would like to send it if she is okay with that. I'm sure the family would love to have it as a good memory.
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  • Yes, I would let her know you have it and ask if she would like it.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I'm sure they would love the photo and certainly the child would cherish it as a great photo with her parents. 
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  • Like others said, I'd email back and let the grandmother know that you have this photo of the daughter with her parents, and ask if she would be interested in having it.  I would probably also state that if it would be painful to see the photo right now, she is welcome to contact you in the future and request it whenever she feels ready to.

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  • I would not do this by email. I would wait a few more months. Maybe at the end of the summer, send the printed-out photo to the grandmother. It is such an intimate thing, I think email is just too casual. The woman is obviously in great pain. If you get a nice card and print out the photo, then the grandmother can have her reaction privately and her own way. She is not pressured into responding to you one way or the other. I'm sure she would appreciate the extra effort and the photo. Just not on the screen.
  • maeday2maeday2 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    Scottie17 said:

    I would not do this by email. I would wait a few more months. Maybe at the end of the summer, send the printed-out photo to the grandmother. It is such an intimate thing, I think email is just too casual. The woman is obviously in great pain. If you get a nice card and print out the photo, then the grandmother can have her reaction privately and her own way. She is not pressured into responding to you one way or the other. I'm sure she would appreciate the extra effort and the photo. Just not on the screen.

    If an emailed newsletter is traumatic for this lady to receive, I can't imagine the emotional pain she'd feel if she were to open a piece of mail and find a picture of her deceased daughter. 

    No one can presume to know when and where she will be in the grieving process to approach this in that way.  
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  • Scottie17 said:

    I would not do this by email. I would wait a few more months. Maybe at the end of the summer, send the printed-out photo to the grandmother. It is such an intimate thing, I think email is just too casual. The woman is obviously in great pain. If you get a nice card and print out the photo, then the grandmother can have her reaction privately and her own way. She is not pressured into responding to you one way or the other. I'm sure she would appreciate the extra effort and the photo. Just not on the screen.

    The only way I would do this, is if I put the picture inside a sealed envelope inside of the letter.  The letter can explain what is in the envelope.  Then the grandma can open the final envelope with the picture in it when she is ready.  Dear Abby often recommends that practice.  But being that the grandma is already in contact via email, I would go that route first.
  • Scottie17 said:

    I would not do this by email. I would wait a few more months. Maybe at the end of the summer, send the printed-out photo to the grandmother. It is such an intimate thing, I think email is just too casual. The woman is obviously in great pain. If you get a nice card and print out the photo, then the grandmother can have her reaction privately and her own way. She is not pressured into responding to you one way or the other. I'm sure she would appreciate the extra effort and the photo. Just not on the screen.

    No way. Don't do this. I'd go with an email letting her know you have the picture if she would like it.
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