Ceremony vs Reception

wintersb1991 · April 2015

I'm aiming to keep my reception small; partly for cost, and partly because the place I am set on having has a limit of 40 people.

My ceremony, however, is just based on chair rentals, really, so I can have a larger ceremony. My question is, in my invitations can I ask my guests if they intend to attend the ceremony and the reception, or if they will be just attending the ceremony?

jacques27 · April 2015

No.

Your reception space limits to 40 people, so you can invite 38 people, including your wedding party and any other vendors you have to include in your count.

The reception is a thank you from you to your guests for attending the ceremony. Anyone invited to the ceremony must be invited to the reception. This is not an either/or situation. That is rude. You must assume everyone invited to the ceremony will attend the reception. And if someone can't, then you don't B-list and add someone to the reception to fill your space. So, your options are limit your entire guest list accordingly or you find a new reception space to accommodate everyone you want there.

JellyBean52513 · April 2015

wintersb1991 said:
I'm aiming to keep my reception small; partly for cost, and partly because the place I am set on having has a limit of 40 people.

My ceremony, however, is just based on chair rentals, really, so I can have a larger ceremony. My question is, in my invitations can I ask my guests if they intend to attend the ceremony and the reception, or if they will be just attending the ceremony?

You really can't ask that question because anyone who attends the ceremony will be attending the reception after. It is INCREDIBLY rude to invite someone to come watch the ceremony, and then shoo them away while 38 other people get to go enjoy food, drinks, and fun. The whole point of a reception is to literally receive your guests as husband and wife and thank them for investing time and support into your union. Besides, who the heck do you think is actually going to CHOOSE skipping the reception!?

This is what you and your FI have to ask yourselves (I assume you ARE marrying another person, even though your post only mentioned the venue YOU are set on having and that YOU are aiming to keep costs low): what are you more "set" on, fulfilling your vision of the ideal venue, or fulfilling your vision of having your loved ones there and not hurting their feelings by making them go home after the ceremony?

Dreamergirl8812 · April 2015

Since guests would send their responses in with their RSVP, what exactly would you do with that information? B-list?

AddieCake · April 2015

No. You decide how many people you can afford and want to host. Then you find locations that meet those numbers. It would be so weird and rude to be asked if I planned to attend one or the other or both so you could finagle your numbers.

MizLiz3 · April 2015

This is not only rude (since the reception is a thank you to your guests), but very odd. I think the reception is the fun part and would never plan to just attend the ceremony. Most ceremonies are 20-30 minutes and it's a waste of my time to buy a gift, get ready, drive there, attend, and then leave (especially when other people are getting ready for the reception). Cut your list or find a new space to accommodate the number of guests you have.

blabla89 · April 2015

It would be rude for a guest to attend only the ceremony or the reception, and likewise it would be VERY rude to only invite someone to one or the other. Anyone who comes to the ceremony should be properly hosted at the reception, so don't invite anyone to the ceremony that you can't host at the reception.

huskypuppy14 · April 2015

blabla89 said:
It would be rude for a guest to attend only the ceremony or the reception, and likewise it would be VERY rude to only invite someone to one or the other. Anyone who comes to the ceremony should be properly hosted at the reception, so don't invite anyone to the ceremony that you can't host at the reception.

I don't think it's ever rude to only attend the ceremony. That is the whole point of the event, to watch a couple get married. And depending on the circumstances, there are people who might want to celebrate with you but can only go to one part. Maybe their child has a soccer game, maybe they have two weddings to go to and they're trying to go to both.

It is rude to just go to the reception because the ceremony is the "boring part" (I don't think that, just speculating.)

Of course it's always rude to just invite someone to one or the other.

[Deleted User] · April 2015

It is always funny to me when people think the ceremony is the part people want to attend. Ceremonies are wonderful, of course, and beautiful, but the reception is what most of the guests are actually looking forward to.

It is super rude to only invite people to the ceremony. As PPs have said, some people may only attend the ceremony for their own reasons (other plans, etc.), but everyone must be invited to the reception. You should be assuming that almost everyone will be attending the reception because the reception is you and your FI's way of thanking all of your guests for attending. You want them to attend the reception as a thank you for witnessing your marriage. If they can't, they can't, but asking them if they plan to attend is rude.

aurianna · April 2015

I had two people attend my ceremony only.
One was a great uncle who didn't want to go to the reception because he didn't want to drive at night.
The other was a family friend who my mother had had a falling out with right before the wedding and she told me that she didn't want to cause drama by coming to the reception, but then behind my back was lying to mutual friends saying that we didn't invite her to the reception (whole other can of worms)

So two people with very specific reasons.

108 people came to our reception. (Including three people who didn't come to the ceremony despite having gotten into town the night before and my providing a shuttle between the church and the hotel/reception site. Yes, I judged them)

If you want to ask people if they plan on skipping the reception, as some sort of way to get more people so you can B-list, it won't work. And even if it would, it's rude to B-list. But the point is it isn't even worth trying.

Do as PPs have said. Find a new reception venue or prune your guest list down to 38. The one thing you can do, is not give +1s to truly single guests; just give them to people who have significant others. And then, if you come in under your headcount, you can then tell single guests they may bring a +1

CMGragain · April 2015

Why on earth did you choose a reception venue that was too small for your entire guest list?

No, you can't invite people only to your ceremony. It is one of the rudest things that you can do.

Dreamergirl8812 · April 2015

OP, I still want to know what you would do differently, depending on how people RSVP'd? If too many people RSVP yes to the reception, what would you do? You'd already be fucked, so what would change?

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