Sis hasn't set a date

lsu78985 · April 2015

My sister has been engaged for 6 months and has not set a
date. Nor said anything about bridal
party or bridesmaids. So at this point,
I’m technically not a bridesmaid.

At first she was saying fall 2015, but quickly realized
dates were already booked, and then said maybe May 2016…

The last time I asked her about a date, she was dismissive
and agitated. She doesn’t know, because
it’s overwhelming and she’s taking a break.
So I left it at that. Haven’t
said anything else.

I’m trying to plan vacations for this year, for me and the
husband. But also with friends. All of which includes plane tickets. So if she were to have the wedding during the
vacation with friends, I would have to cancel my portion, as I would NEVER ask
my friends to and lose their $. So not
only would I be missing out on the vacation but also $.

To complicate things further, I’m currently living abroad
and the wedding would be in Tennessee.

My sister also has borderline personality disorder
(emotional intensity disorder) which makes this all so much more
complicated. And no matter my plans, my
parents would side with her, because she is an extremely fragile soul.

If she would just tell me the month, I would just plan
around that!

So, should I ask her again?
Just hope that everything is booked up for this year and it will be next
spring?

*Any* advice is appreciated.

lovegood90 · April 2015

lsu78985 said:

My sister has been engaged for 6 months and has not set a
date. Nor said anything about bridal
party or bridesmaids. So at this point,
I’m technically not a bridesmaid.

At first she was saying fall 2015, but quickly realized
dates were already booked, and then said maybe May 2016…

The last time I asked her about a date, she was dismissive
and agitated. She doesn’t know, because
it’s overwhelming and she’s taking a break.
So I left it at that. Haven’t
said anything else.

I’m trying to plan vacations for this year, for me and the
husband. But also with friends. All of which includes plane tickets. So if she were to have the wedding during the
vacation with friends, I would have to cancel my portion, as I would NEVER ask
my friends to and lose their $. So not
only would I be missing out on the vacation but also $.

To complicate things further, I’m currently living abroad
and the wedding would be in Tennessee.

My sister also has borderline personality disorder
(emotional intensity disorder) which makes this all so much more
complicated. And no matter my plans, my
parents would side with her, because she is an extremely fragile soul.

If she would just tell me the month, I would just plan
around that!

So, should I ask her again?
Just hope that everything is booked up for this year and it will be next
spring?

*Any* advice is appreciated.

I would maybe reach out to her one more time saying something like "Hey, so I'm booking a vacation for (insert date) and I know you said you hadn't decided on a wedding date yet, but I just wanted to check one last time if you knew it would conflict before I book any non-refundable tickets."

If she still doesn't know, then I would go ahead and book your trip. You can't put your life on hold for someone else's potential wedding, even if it is immediate family.

If it turns out it does conflict down the road and your family gets pissy at you, just ignore them. You covered your bases and did nothing wrong.

novella1186 · April 2015

lsu78985 said:

My sister has been engaged for 6 months and has not set a
date. Nor said anything about bridal
party or bridesmaids. So at this point,
I’m technically not a bridesmaid.

At first she was saying fall 2015, but quickly realized
dates were already booked, and then said maybe May 2016…

The last time I asked her about a date, she was dismissive
and agitated. She doesn’t know, because
it’s overwhelming and she’s taking a break.
So I left it at that. Haven’t
said anything else.

I’m trying to plan vacations for this year, for me and the
husband. But also with friends. All of which includes plane tickets. So if she were to have the wedding during the
vacation with friends, I would have to cancel my portion, as I would NEVER ask
my friends to and lose their $. So not
only would I be missing out on the vacation but also $.

To complicate things further, I’m currently living abroad
and the wedding would be in Tennessee.

My sister also has borderline personality disorder
(emotional intensity disorder) which makes this all so much more
complicated. And no matter my plans, my
parents would side with her, because she is an extremely fragile soul.

If she would just tell me the month, I would just plan
around that!

So, should I ask her again?
Just hope that everything is booked up for this year and it will be next
spring?

*Any* advice is appreciated.

Don't keep asking her. It sounds like that's going to stress her out and/or upset her more. Just plan your vacations and be upfront and honest with your sister about it.

"Hey, sis, this week in September I'll be away for vacation. Just wanted to let you know so you can keep that in mind when you start looking at wedding dates, because you mean the world to me and I would hate to miss your wedding!"

You can only tiptoe around someone so much. Just do what you gotta do.

AddieCake · April 2015

Plan your vacation and share with her the date. Don't pester her about choosing a date.

blabla89 · April 2015

novella1186 said:

lsu78985 said:

My sister has been engaged for 6 months and has not set a
date. Nor said anything about bridal
party or bridesmaids. So at this point,
I’m technically not a bridesmaid.

At first she was saying fall 2015, but quickly realized
dates were already booked, and then said maybe May 2016…

The last time I asked her about a date, she was dismissive
and agitated. She doesn’t know, because
it’s overwhelming and she’s taking a break.
So I left it at that. Haven’t
said anything else.

I’m trying to plan vacations for this year, for me and the
husband. But also with friends. All of which includes plane tickets. So if she were to have the wedding during the
vacation with friends, I would have to cancel my portion, as I would NEVER ask
my friends to and lose their $. So not
only would I be missing out on the vacation but also $.

To complicate things further, I’m currently living abroad
and the wedding would be in Tennessee.

My sister also has borderline personality disorder
(emotional intensity disorder) which makes this all so much more
complicated. And no matter my plans, my
parents would side with her, because she is an extremely fragile soul.

If she would just tell me the month, I would just plan
around that!

So, should I ask her again?
Just hope that everything is booked up for this year and it will be next
spring?

*Any* advice is appreciated.

Don't keep asking her. It sounds like that's going to stress her out and/or upset her more. Just plan your vacations and be upfront and honest with your sister about it.

"Hey, sis, this week in September I'll be away for vacation. Just wanted to let you know so you can keep that in mind when you start looking at wedding dates, because you mean the world to me and I would hate to miss your wedding!"

You can only tiptoe around someone so much. Just do what you gotta do.

This x1000

Maggie0829 · April 2015

You are making this more complicated then it needs to be.

Book your vacations and then tell your sister the dates you will be away. If she wants you to be at her wedding then she will pick a date that you aren't away. If she doesn't give a shit then she will book whatever day she wants regardless of your plans.

climbingsingle · April 2015

Stop asking her. You're probably causing her more stress. Book your vacation and let her know the dates.

Jen4948 · April 2015

AddieCake said:
Plan your vacation and share with her the date. Don't pester her about choosing a date.

I agree. I'd just say, "Hey, sis, I'm booking a vacation for Dates."

minttobemrsb · April 2015

Yeah I would just go ahead with planning your vacation an then let her know the dates. Since it sounds like she is still a long way out, hopefully she will think of that when she starts looking to book.

Also, since you mentioned that she gets overwhelmed and stressed easy, maybe just try to talk about non-wedding stuff for now unless she brings it up.

anjemon · April 2015

I think PP's have got it covered. Book your trip and let her know.

Planning around hypothetical stuff is really hard. I almost picked a different wedding date because my friends had a trip we were planning to take. I eventually decided not to pick a different date. And the trip fell through. If I had moved my wedding for it, I would have been really annoyed when it didn't work. So just plan on what you can and don't worry about what other people are planning.

MandyMost · April 2015

I don't know, I wouldn't just book dates and then tell her. But I also wouldn't keep pestering about the date. I'd be clearly forthcoming about WHY you are interested in her wedding date, and I'd keep the parents involved in all the conversations in order to keep your bases covered.

"Hey sis, I know you haven't picked a wedding date yet, I'm totally not trying to pressure you, you know I'm here to help in any way I can and I'll be there super happy and excited on your day. I'm just in the process of planning a few trips over the next year and want to make sure nothing will conflict. Are you still thinking about the Spring of 2016? If so, I'll probably try to do my vacation in September/October of 2015. The tickets are non-refundable, so I just need whatever info you can give me. I can't block off a whole year from travel!"

I'd either do it in email and copy your parents, if it's over the phone I'd talk to your parents both before the conversation, and immediately after.

[Deleted User] · April 2015

MandyMost said:
I don't know, I wouldn't just book dates and then tell her. But I also wouldn't keep pestering about the date. I'd be clearly forthcoming about WHY you are interested in her wedding date, and I'd keep the parents involved in all the conversations in order to keep your bases covered.

"Hey sis, I know you haven't picked a wedding date yet, I'm totally not trying to pressure you, you know I'm here to help in any way I can and I'll be there super happy and excited on your day. I'm just in the process of planning a few trips over the next year and want to make sure nothing will conflict. Are you still thinking about the Spring of 2016? If so, I'll probably try to do my vacation in September/October of 2015. The tickets are non-refundable, so I just need whatever info you can give me. I can't block off a whole year from travel!"

I'd either do it in email and copy your parents, if it's over the phone I'd talk to your parents both before the conversation, and immediately after.

I agree with this 100%. Especially including your parents because if then your sister that picks a date that conflicts with your trips, you can tell them, you know that I tried to plan around her. As for the other stuff, if she is going for Spring 2016 wedding, she has plenty of time to select her wedding party.

kao2015 · April 2015

MandyMost said:
I don't know, I wouldn't just book dates and then tell her. But I also wouldn't keep pestering about the date. I'd be clearly forthcoming about WHY you are interested in her wedding date, and I'd keep the parents involved in all the conversations in order to keep your bases covered.

"Hey sis, I know you haven't picked a wedding date yet, I'm totally not trying to pressure you, you know I'm here to help in any way I can and I'll be there super happy and excited on your day. I'm just in the process of planning a few trips over the next year and want to make sure nothing will conflict. Are you still thinking about the Spring of 2016? If so, I'll probably try to do my vacation in September/October of 2015. The tickets are non-refundable, so I just need whatever info you can give me. I can't block off a whole year from travel!"

I'd either do it in email and copy your parents, if it's over the phone I'd talk to your parents both before the conversation, and immediately after.

I would *not* copy your parents. That seems incredibly passive aggressive to me, like you're calling mommy and daddy in for backup. Handle this with your sister alone. At most I'd keep the email in case they insert themselves into the situation, but even then I'd deflect and say you guys are handling it.

bethsmiles · April 2015

kao2015 said:

MandyMost said:
I don't know, I wouldn't just book dates and then tell her. But I also wouldn't keep pestering about the date. I'd be clearly forthcoming about WHY you are interested in her wedding date, and I'd keep the parents involved in all the conversations in order to keep your bases covered.

"Hey sis, I know you haven't picked a wedding date yet, I'm totally not trying to pressure you, you know I'm here to help in any way I can and I'll be there super happy and excited on your day. I'm just in the process of planning a few trips over the next year and want to make sure nothing will conflict. Are you still thinking about the Spring of 2016? If so, I'll probably try to do my vacation in September/October of 2015. The tickets are non-refundable, so I just need whatever info you can give me. I can't block off a whole year from travel!"

I'd either do it in email and copy your parents, if it's over the phone I'd talk to your parents both before the conversation, and immediately after.

I would *not* copy your parents. That seems incredibly passive aggressive to me, like you're calling mommy and daddy in for backup. Handle this with your sister alone. At most I'd keep the email in case they insert themselves into the situation, but even then I'd deflect and say you guys are handling it.

QFT. You are adults, not children. You should be able to interact with each other without needing mommy and daddy involved.

Just book your vacations and let her know the dates. If she picks a date during one of them it's your choice to go to the wedding or keep your scheduled plans.

novella1186 · April 2015

bethsmiles said:

kao2015 said:

MandyMost said:
I don't know, I wouldn't just book dates and then tell her. But I also wouldn't keep pestering about the date. I'd be clearly forthcoming about WHY you are interested in her wedding date, and I'd keep the parents involved in all the conversations in order to keep your bases covered.

"Hey sis, I know you haven't picked a wedding date yet, I'm totally not trying to pressure you, you know I'm here to help in any way I can and I'll be there super happy and excited on your day. I'm just in the process of planning a few trips over the next year and want to make sure nothing will conflict. Are you still thinking about the Spring of 2016? If so, I'll probably try to do my vacation in September/October of 2015. The tickets are non-refundable, so I just need whatever info you can give me. I can't block off a whole year from travel!"

I'd either do it in email and copy your parents, if it's over the phone I'd talk to your parents both before the conversation, and immediately after.

I would *not* copy your parents. That seems incredibly passive aggressive to me, like you're calling mommy and daddy in for backup. Handle this with your sister alone. At most I'd keep the email in case they insert themselves into the situation, but even then I'd deflect and say you guys are handling it.

QFT. You are adults, not children. You should be able to interact with each other without needing mommy and daddy involved.
Just book your vacations and let her know the dates. If she picks a date during one of them it's your choice to go to the wedding or keep your scheduled plans.

I agree with this, but also, even if you tell her about your vacation dates verbally, make sure you also email them to her as a reminder. It's hard (at least for me) to remember random dates people mention verbally. It's nice to have an email (documentation) to be able to go back and double-check any time.

And then if she gets made at you later and claims you never told her about your vacations (cuz this is something a couple of my family members tend to do), you can say "Look, I sent you this email on this date to let you know."

Sis hasn't set a date

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