Bridal Shower Gift Question

bethsmiles · April 2015

A good friend of mine is having her bridal shower in 2 weeks. I'm really excited for her and looking forward to seeing her since I don't get to see her very often. I would love to get her a really nice gift but I'm on a pretty tight budget these days and I have quite a few big expenses coming up later this month. So I'm trying to figure out how much I can afford to spend. I was planning on just writing a $100 check for a wedding present. Now I'm wondering if I should budget that toward a shower gift instead and do just a card for the wedding or split the difference and do about $50 for a shower present and $50 for the wedding.

When you are invited to a bridal shower do you usually give a gift at the shower and the wedding or just the shower? I've never been invited to a bridal shower before so I'm not sure what the norm is. I'm sure I'm over-thinking this. I feel bad that I can't afford to spend more on a shower gift and still give the same amount I was planning on giving for the wedding.

KeptInStitches · April 2015

I usually give a gift at the shower and the wedding. I'd split about $20-$30 for the shower and the remainder for the wedding.

aliwis000 · April 2015

First thing...Only spend what you can. We are all at different financial points in our lives.

After that it is my opinion that wedding gifts are not required. That said showers are different, they are meant to shower the bride with gifts. So since you are going to go bringing a gift is somewhat expected. In this case I would say your best bet is a physical gift. Something she can open and oohh/ahh over.

Since you are shooting for around $100 I would say you have a few options:

1. Physical gift around $100 for the shower and just a heart felt card for the wedding.
2. Physical gift around $50 for the shower and a check for $50 at the wedding. (Or whatever break down you want that adds up to $100)

When I find out someone is getting married I have a pretty good idea of my price range off the bat. (Combo of personal situation at the time and relation to the person.) So that is my budget. If I go to a shower for that person I will bring a gift at the budget I set and consider that their wedding gift. (Note: I usually write a nice card for the wedding) If I attend the wedding only I usually just write a check in the amount of that original budget and put it in the card.

That is my opinion but the ladies on here are great at more ideas!

[Deleted User] · April 2015

I did not receive a shower gift and a wedding gift from the same guest at my wedding. Traditionally, you give a gift at the shower and that's it, or you give a gift at the wedding because you were not invited to or unable to attend the shower.

labro · April 2015

CocoBellaF said:
I did not receive a shower gift and a wedding gift from the same guest at my wedding. Traditionally, you give a gift at the shower and that's it, or you give a gift at the wedding because you were not invited to or unable to attend the shower.

Same as @TwoDimes. I wasn't aware this was an actual thing.

Now, I DID have some people who attended the shower not give a gift at the reception, but that was pretty uncommon. Most people who gifted at the shower also gave some sort of cash gift or giftcard at the wedding.

Budget what you can afford and feel comfortable with. Believe me, I wasn't bothered or offended in any way that I only got 1 gift from someone (oh dear lord jesus how could they only give ONE gift!!!???!!! /endsarcasm) who attended both events. Your friend will more than appreciate whatever you can give her.

If you want, the shower is a nice opportunity to make her some sort of gift basket or personalized gift that fits more comfortably within your budget while still reserving the money you had planned to give her for her wedding. One of my favorite gifts was a large wicker basket filled with some small registry items, and some magazines on the best area restaurants for date nights, home decorating ideas, hostessing magazines, etc.

bethsmiles · April 2015

labro said:

CocoBellaF said:
I did not receive a shower gift and a wedding gift from the same guest at my wedding. Traditionally, you give a gift at the shower and that's it, or you give a gift at the wedding because you were not invited to or unable to attend the shower.
Same as @TwoDimes. I wasn't aware this was an actual thing.

Now, I DID have some people who attended the shower not give a gift at the reception, but that was pretty uncommon. Most people who gifted at the shower also gave some sort of cash gift or giftcard at the wedding.

Budget what you can afford and feel comfortable with. Believe me, I wasn't bothered or offended in any way that I only got 1 gift from someone (oh dear lord jesus how could they only give ONE gift!!!???!!! /endsarcasm) who attended both events. Your friend will more than appreciate whatever you can give her.

If you want, the shower is a nice opportunity to make her some sort of gift basket or personalized gift that fits more comfortably within your budget while still reserving the money you had planned to give her for her wedding. One of my favorite gifts was a large wicker basket filled with some small registry items, and some magazines on the best area restaurants for date nights, home decorating ideas, hostessing magazines, etc.

I really love this idea!

phira · April 2015

I was under the impression that traditionally, you give a gift at the shower and the wedding, and that shower gifts were typically physical gifts (e.g. off the registry) and at the wedding, you gave a card and a check. I think the tradition is a bit dated, and I don't think it's really an appropriate expectation.

The last time I was invited to a shower, J and I had already purchased wedding gifts for the couple, and I gave them one of the gifts at the shower and another one at the wedding itself. The time before that, I'd only purchased one (big, expensive) gift, so I gave it at the shower and just brought a card to the wedding.

eilis1228 · April 2015

phira said:
I was under the impression that traditionally, you give a gift at the shower and the wedding, and that shower gifts were typically physical gifts (e.g. off the registry) and at the wedding, you gave a card and a check. I think the tradition is a bit dated, and I don't think it's really an appropriate expectation.

This is my understand as well. In fact, my mom told me this morning that traditionally the gifts are brought to the shower unwrapped and are displayed somewhere during the shower. Apparently it's a new thing for everyone to watch the bride unwrap the gifts at the shower.

bethsmiles · April 2015

Oh I guess I don't know if I was clear in my OP - I'm intending on bringing a physical gift to the shower. I know you don't give cash at a shower.

labro · April 2015

eilis1228 said:

phira said:
I was under the impression that traditionally, you give a gift at the shower and the wedding, and that shower gifts were typically physical gifts (e.g. off the registry) and at the wedding, you gave a card and a check. I think the tradition is a bit dated, and I don't think it's really an appropriate expectation.
This is my understand as well. In fact, my mom told me this morning that traditionally the gifts are brought to the shower unwrapped and are displayed somewhere during the shower. Apparently it's a new thing for everyone to watch the bride unwrap the gifts at the shower.

Gross, please don't do what your mom was "traditionally" relaying. I've actually never heard of that being the "tradition" though either. My understanding was unwrapped gifts at showers was a newer (and not very etiquette approved) "tradition" at bridal and baby showers.

Anyway, I really really loved unwrapping my gifts, plus, if you don't have wrapped gifts, how are you supposed to make your ribbon bouquet? Priorities people!!

eilis1228 · April 2015

labro said:

eilis1228 said:

phira said:
I was under the impression that traditionally, you give a gift at the shower and the wedding, and that shower gifts were typically physical gifts (e.g. off the registry) and at the wedding, you gave a card and a check. I think the tradition is a bit dated, and I don't think it's really an appropriate expectation.
This is my understand as well. In fact, my mom told me this morning that traditionally the gifts are brought to the shower unwrapped and are displayed somewhere during the shower. Apparently it's a new thing for everyone to watch the bride unwrap the gifts at the shower.
Gross, please don't do what your mom was "traditionally" relaying. I've actually never heard of that being the "tradition" though either. My understanding was unwrapped gifts at showers was a newer (and not very etiquette approved) "tradition" at bridal and baby showers.

Anyway, I really really loved unwrapping my gifts, plus, if you don't have wrapped gifts, how are you supposed to make your ribbon bouquet? Priorities people!!

Don't worry, she's definitely not doing that.

lilacck28 · April 2015

In my area it seems the norm is also to give a gift for the shower and a gift for the wedding.

We spent around $100 for the last wedding FI and I went to-- and it was split pretty evenly between an engagement gift, shower gift, and wedding gift (but I did I get some great deals... Macy's and Bed Bath and Beyond sales plus coupons! so some of the gifts were worth more than I actually spent.). They were all physical gifts, even though theoretically I usually want to give a check for the wedding gift. I think money is a great gift, but for some reason, at the time, $35 seemed bigger with the cute salt and pepper shakers.

Ideally I would have liked to give them much more, but, like you said.... that just wasn't feasible for us at the time. I was in grad school, and FI was doing temp work. And now FI is in grad school, and I'm basically doing temp work. Don't for one second feel guilty about what you're spending. $100 is at least week or two of groceries for two.

I really don't think you can go wrong with whatever you do, or however you do or don't split up your budget.

phira · April 2015

@bethsmiles Oh, don't worry! I don't think anyone thought you'd give cash. I just don't think you should feel like you have to bring a gift to the shower AND ALSO another gift (physical or cash) to the wedding.

Peaseblossom55 · April 2015

I always gift at the shower and then at the wedding. I do what is comfortable for my budget at the time.

We received gifts from guests at the shower and a wedding gift from I think all of our guests except one at our wedding.

speakeasy14 · April 2015

I typically do a gift at the shower that is within my budget and then check/cash/giftcard for the wedding.

If I am not really close with the person I'll just get something that I can afford off the registry. If it is someone I am close with, I get a little bit more sentimental. For my best friend, I went on Groupon and had a photo book made (they usually have deals for around $10). I used her engagement pictures and then wrote a story about how they met, how he proposed, and details of their wedding (basically I just copied her wedding website). She loved it so much and actually put it on display at her wedding.

Loves2dream · April 2015

I give at both but what I give/spend depends on my current financial situation (car repairs, home repair, etc.)

cu97tiger · April 2015

I think the gift basket idea ($20-30 of stuff from the registry) is a perfect idea, with the balance of the $100 written as a check given at the wedding.

[Deleted User] · April 2015

Geez, I feel like I was stiffed with only one gift per couple at my wedding!

phira · April 2015

CocoBellaF said:
Geez, I feel like I was stiffed with only one gift per couple at my wedding!

Me too

Hummingbird125 · April 2015

I've only been to two bridal showers, but I give at both the shower and the wedding. Gift at the shower, a check at the wedding. I don't think I think of it in terms of "Well, I bought a gift worth X for the shower so I will deduct that from my wedding gift" but I do what I can afford for both.

eilis1228 · April 2015

@Hummingbird125 That's how I am too. I give what I can comfortably at the time of each event rather than having X amount of money set aside in total for the gift(s). I also try to stack coupons and catch sales for the physical gifts.

lilacck28 · April 2015

eilis1228 said:
@Hummingbird125 That's how I am too. I give what I can comfortably at the time of each event rather than having X amount of money set aside in total for the gift(s). I also try to stack coupons and catch sales for the physical gifts.

THIS. I'm trying to learn my mom's Macy's ways. She's like yoda with those $20 off $50 coupons + sales + using Macy's credit card. And she gets all annoying and has them run her purchases separately so she can use more than one coupon. They're always okay with it so....

lavenderfields13 · April 2015

I thought it was typical for people to give a gift for the shower and wedding as well. Honestly, I think it's a little much. I mean I still do give a gift for both (physical gift for shower and check for wedding) because it's just what people do but I don't think it's necessary. Of course people aren't required to give another gift but a big part of me not wanting a shower was the fact that I felt like people might feel like they have to do both. I just don't really like showers anyways but I'm definitely in the minority.

@eilis1228 I got invited to a shower a few years ago where the hosts requested that you bring an unwrapped gift. I was like ummm isn't the whole point of the shower to watch the bride open gifts? I was not a fan of that idea. Never ended up going to the shower either.

eilis1228 · April 2015

@lavenderfields13 For me, the highlight of showers is the cake. I don't really care to watch anyone open gifts, and the games are always kind of awkward. I do think opening the presents is much better than having them displayed unwrapped though. I'd honestly never heard of that tradition before my mom said something. She also said the bride is responsible for bringing a guestbook to the shower, and I've never heard that before either. I guess these "traditions" change a lot over time.

lavenderfields13 · April 2015

eilis1228 said:@lavenderfields13 For me, the highlight of showers is the cake. I don't really care to watch anyone open gifts, and the games are always kind of awkward. I do think opening the presents is much better than having them displayed unwrapped though. I'd honestly never heard of that tradition before my mom said something. She also said the bride is responsible for bringing a guestbook to the shower, and I've never heard that before either. I guess these "traditions" change a lot over time.

Never heard of that either- for some people their shower is a surprise. And now that I think of it I have never signed a guest book at a shower. Seems odd.

labro · April 2015

lavenderfields13 said:
eilis1228 said:
@lavenderfields13 For me, the highlight of showers is the cake. I don't really care to watch anyone open gifts, and the games are always kind of awkward. I do think opening the presents is much better than having them displayed unwrapped though. I'd honestly never heard of that tradition before my mom said something. She also said the bride is responsible for bringing a guestbook to the shower, and I've never heard that before either. I guess these "traditions" change a lot over time.

Never heard of that either- for some people their shower is a surprise. And now that I think of it I have never signed a guest book at a shower. Seems odd.

Same. Now I'm REALLY curious where your mom is getting all this crazy stuff from.

eilis1228 · April 2015

@labro ME TOO! I googled a variety of phrases to see what the bride is responsible for at the shower, and the only thing that pops us is a hostess gift and the guest list. The last time my mom would have potentially hosted a shower would have been the late 80's, so maybe that was the custom back then? I told her I'd just bring a photo frame mat and have everyone sign it. I'd have someone take a group picture of everyone at the shower and just put it in the frame.

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