Lesbian cousin as MOH? Help

angela_294 · April 2015

Hi everyone,

I'm having a bit of a dilemma and don't know what to do. I got engaged in January and I'm tentatively getting married next June. I haven't chosen my bridal party partly because I don't have a definite date as well as being unsure as to how large the wedding will be. I'm almost certain though that I want my cousin as my maid of honor. The only problem is she's a very masculine looking female, to the point that she does not correct people in public when they call her "he" or "sir" etc. The fact that she won't wear a dress is not an issue to me. The fact is do I call her "maid of honour" when her outward exterior does not show female? I don't want to offend her by calling her my "best man" and I don't like the sound of "person of honor". Has anyone seen this situation before or have any suggestions? Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

novella1186 · April 2015

angela_294 said:
Hi everyone,

I'm having a bit of a dilemma and don't know what to do. I got engaged in January and I'm tentatively getting married next June. I haven't chosen my bridal party partly because I don't have a definite date as well as being unsure as to how large the wedding will be. I'm almost certain though that I want my cousin as my maid of honor. The only problem is she's a very masculine looking female, to the point that she does not correct people in public when they call her "he" or "sir" etc. The fact that she won't wear a dress is not an issue to me. The fact is do I call her "maid of honour" when her outward exterior does not show female? I don't want to offend her by calling her my "best man" and I don't like the sound of "person of honor". Has anyone seen this situation before or have any suggestions? Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Yes, you call her your Maid of Honor. Appearance is irrelevant. That's like saying I can't choose my friend to be MOH cuz her hair is too blonde.

ETA: I'm assuming she self-identifies as female and is not transgender based on what you've said. You call her whatever is aligned with how she self-identifies. And as I said, appearance does not matter.

angela_294 · April 2015

Oh her appearance doesn't bother me in the least. She is not fully transgender but when she introduces herself she says her name is "Kris" instead of "Kristen" and has said before that she prefers when people think she's a guy because it makes her life easier

Liatris2010 · April 2015

If she identifies female, she is your maid or matron of honor. If she identifies male, man of honor. If she is on the fence, person of honor. Gender doesn't matter, nor does the title. People can figure out who the attendants are, it''s not like they need to be neatly labeled as such.

novella1186 · April 2015

angela_294 said:
Oh her appearance doesn't bother me in the least. She is not fully transgender but when she introduces herself she says her name is "Kris" instead of "Kristen" and has said before that she prefers when people think she's a guy because it makes her life easier

Maybe just ask her then, to make sure she's being addressed in a way that makes her more comfortable. The title doesn't come up much, though. Unless you have printed programs and/or list your WP on your wedding website, the specific title won't even appear anywhere. It's not like she's gonna be standing up there with a big sign that says "MOH" or whatever :P

anjemon · April 2015

When you do decide who you want your bridal party to be, I'd just ask her what she'd like to be referred to. She might prefer tradition or she might prefer something more androgynous. Just tell her you'd like her to stand up with you and ask what she'd like her title to be.

daria24 · April 2015

You can ask her if she has a preference for title. Or just refer to her as "Honor Attendant." I personally hate the title "maid/matron" and just used Honor Attendant for my sister.

angela_294 · April 2015

Thanks Daria, this may be the best route to go.

VulgarGirl · April 2015

What gender does she identify as? Gender identity is as fluid and complex as sexual orientation. It's not black and white, man and woman.

A lot of women identify as female but have a very butch or masculine appearance. They are still women, and still identify as women. They just don't wear flouncy skirts and grow long hair.

I'd just ask her what she'd like to be called. NBD.

alpacalunch · April 2015

When I saw the title of this thread, I was so worried. This is not nearly the shitshow I expected.

@MagicInk is wise. Listen to her.

Fairyjen1 · April 2015

I would just ask her. If you are close enough to her to ask her to stand up next to you, you are probably close enough to ask without offending.

strawberrybee9 · April 2015

Fairyjen1 said:
I would just ask her. If you are close enough to her to ask her to stand up next to you, you are probably close enough to ask without offending.

I agree! Ask what term/title your cousin would prefer.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2015

alpacalunch said:
When I saw the title of this thread, I was so worried. This is not nearly the shitshow I expected.

@MagicInk is wise. Listen to her.

Ditto.

twitterbird · April 2015

I'd ask her what she prefers.

badbnagdway · April 2015

Ask what she prefers.

My sister is very much a traditional looking female who is married. She HATES the word "matron" so she asked if she could be the "maid of honor" instead. Just do what makes your most honored attendant comfortable.

hashtag43016 · April 2015

Just ask her what she wants to be called. I'm assuming you're close enough that you could just ask what she prefers. No chance of offending by doing it this way.

Lesbian cousin as MOH? Help

Re: Lesbian cousin as MOH? Help

Choose Another Board

Search Boards