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engaged not planning but ready to

kaitecakes1991kaitecakes1991 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Chit Chat
Hello Knotties,
I've been engaged for a year . At the begging of our engagement we where excited. My fiance bought me a planner and bridal magazines. Shortly after our engagement he got let go from his job which put a planning on a hold . Since then he has been hired at a new job and loves it and I'm moving forward in my career. Over the course of the past few weeks we have decided to discuss planning again with our parents . How ever here is my struggle we aren't the wealthiest and nether are my parents . At this point we have decided we would like a small intimate wedding which will include his family of 13 and mine of 7 . My problem is my parents are busy getting there house ready for the market and as soon as I drop the word planning they will automatically say they have no funds to give us . How do I go about planning and bringing it up to them shall I say we want a small intimate wedding max 30 people .I'm thinking of maybe a small packet telling them reason why we want it . My reason for coming on here is cause my mother wants me to have a big white wedding . 
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Re: engaged not planning but ready to

  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2015
    kaitecakes1991 said:

    Hello Knotties,

    I've been engaged for a year . At the begging of our engagement we where excited. My fiance bought me a planner and bridal magazines. Shortly after our engagement he got let go from his job which put a planning on a hold . Since then he has been hired at a new job and loves it and I'm moving forward in my career. Over the course of the past few weeks we have decided to discuss planning again with our parents . How ever here is my struggle we aren't the wealthiest and nether are my parents . At this point we have decided we would like a small intimate wedding which will include his family of 13 and mine of 7 . My problem is my parents are busy getting there house ready for the market and as soon as I drop the word planning they will automatically say they have no funds to give us . How do I go about planning and bringing it up to them shall I say we want a small intimate wedding max 30 people .I'm thinking of maybe a small packet telling them reason why we want it . My reason for coming on here is cause my mother wants me to have a big white wedding . 
    It's pretty simple. "We're going to invite X and Y and have the wedding at (insert venue). For the reception, we are going to go to (restaurant/food place) and have dinner." And if they ask about the small guest list, "this is what fits for our budget and we'd like to keep this within our budget. So what about the weather lately!? Can't wait for summer!" Or something else random to move the conversation along. You do not have to explain or bring up to anybody why you're having a small wedding. And certainly don't make a packet about it. You don't have to apologize for it. And if they bring up "My (insert random friend/family member) will be so bummed they're not invited! Please reconsider!" "We are keeping our wedding within a budget and inviting the families." Very simple.

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2015
    There is no reason you can't wear a white wedding dress at your simple, intimate wedding.  David's Bridal has great clearance sales on their website.  Bridesmaids and groomsmen are optional.  I think your simple plans sound perfectly lovely!  You should not apologize or explain to your parents.
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  • kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I'm a little confused, is the issue you can't start planning again bc your parents have no money to give you or the issue is you want small (and you're paying) and your family wants big?

    Start planning your 30 person wedding now, pay for it yourself, and be done. Your parents house plans don't need to factor in here.
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  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Pay for your own wedding. Problem solved. 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Plan to pay for your own wedding. When you mention planning and they say they can't contribute, tell them you didn't expect them to contribute, that you were just letting them know what your plans are.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • jenna8984jenna8984 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I was just talking to my aunt about my cousin's wedding. I told her that I didn't talk money with my dad (her brother) and we just planned what we wanted and paid for it. She said "But why would you think that he wouldn't pay for it? Why would you just assume pay for it yourself, that's not common." I said yes, actually it is common. I'm 30 years old, I own a house and pay my own bills, I'm an adult and I should pay for my party. She said "Oh that's true, you are older so you have that maturity level- your cousin and his fiance are 23 so they are just expecting us parents to foot the bill of this big blowout, it hasn't even crossed their mind to help pay."

    Now, forgive me if I'm wrong, but judging from the year in your screen name, you seem around that age group too (23-24). So you probably just finished school, don't have a ton of money, and are expecting your parents to pay (is was it sounds like?). It sounds like you want them to pay but are worried they will deny you since they have other things going on. Again, correct me if I'm wrong. But you really need to realize that it's not the norm anymore for parents to pay. You guys need to figure out where you want the wedding and how much it'll cost, and save up for it. Then when you tell your parents, you say "Oh we decided to book this place, for this many people, on this date". And if they say anything about money and contributing you respond "We have it covered but if you'd LIKE to contribute to the dj or photographer (or whatever) you are more than welcome to do so". That lets them know that they can give you money if they chose to, but that it's not required of them. 

    And if you really want small, stick to your guns. We fought with our parents are doing just immediate family and in the end we did not give in and we did it exactly how we wanted. 

                                                                     

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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2015
    Also confused on why you're worried. Your small wedding plans sound great, and hopefully you chose them because that's what the two of you can comfortably afford. Perfect! So all you have to do when you bring it up with your parents is say "great news, we got back into wedding planning mode! We're considering one of these two dates the venue has available; does one of those work for you?" Whether they say "oh great, here's my binder full of ideas and guest list" or "uhh we don't have money for you, you know" all you have to say is "oh no, we've got this covered on our own! Just want to confirm the date. More salsa?"
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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    It sounds like you're expecting your parents to pay.  If that's the case, forget about it.  Plan the wedding you can afford.  If they decide to actually give you move (cash in hand, not cash promised), you can alter your plans a bit.  Your parents don't get a say in how you decide to plan your wedding if you're paying for the entire thing.  They don't need to be involved in the planning if they're not contributing.  

    And please don't do a packet....that comes across as if you're expecting them to pay and that's incredibly rude, especially when they already told you they don't have the funds.  They probably feel a bit bad that they can't help.  Don't make them feel worse.
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  • FiancBFiancB member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I learned early on that my parents weren't going to offer to pay for anything and weren't really interested in details. So we didn't talk about it. DH and I planned our wedding, paid for it, sent them an invitation, they showed up and that was that. We had the wedding that we wanted and could afford and that's what you should do too. 
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    Congratulations.  One of the great perks of adulthood is autonomy.  It means you get to eat ice cream for breakfast, marry who you want (assuming your state/country recognizes your relationship), and have the luxury of making your own decisions because you're a responsible grown-up who makes your own money and you get to spend that any way you want.  It's fantastic.

    So, sit down with your FI and make a budget based on what the two of you, in your great new job and forward moving career, can afford.  You are the only two people responsible for paying for your wedding.  That also comes with the added benefit of meaning you two are the only two people who get a say in the logistics of your wedding.  Once you have a budget, go look at some venues in your budget and nail down a date.  Then, if your parents ask you how wedding planning is going you can say "Hey, we finally settled on this.  We're so excited.  Have you seen how great/shitty the *insert local sports team* has been playing lately?"  And then take all of the other tips everyone else has give you to steer the conversation.

    If they offer money, that's great, but you should know that all money has strings unless they straight up hand you a wad of cash and say "Spend this any way you see fit."  And even then, don't be surprised if some strings don't appear later.  So don't take money unless you're prepared compromise on your plans.  Also, you should never assume that promised money is guaranteed unless it's actually in your hand and stay within your own budget at all times (if the promised money does eventually materialize, you can always put that towards a down payment on a house or pay down student loan debt).  And finally, you should never, ever ask for money or assume that it will be given.
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  • hellohkbhellohkb mod
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2015
    Congratulations on your engagement. I'm glad to hear your fiance got another job. Honestly, plan for the 30 person wedding and don't bring up money to your parents. Do not make a packet or anything for them because as mentioned before it will seem like a sales pitch. Your wedding will be beautiful and the most important thing is that you are marrying the person you love. Don't worry about what your parents want (something I too am struggling with!)


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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You and your FI plan and pay for the wedding. Problem solved.
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  • kaitecakes1991kaitecakes1991 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Thank You for all the advice.
    My parents know and haven't said much since the conversation. 
    We will be driving up the seacoast in New England in hopes of finding a place to tie the knot.
    So far so good . Crossing my fingers so that the planning may continue. If anyone knows of good venues along the east coast please share. 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    kaitecakes1991 said:

    Thank You for all the advice.

    My parents know and haven't said much since the conversation. 
    We will be driving up the seacoast in New England in hopes of finding a place to tie the knot.
    So far so good . Crossing my fingers so that the planning may continue. If anyone knows of good venues along the east coast please share. 
    From Chicago, so can't help with an actual venue, but what about the party room at a restaurant?  Pick a place you like, with delicious food, with an atmosphere you enjoy, and rent out their party room for the evening.  Done and done.
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  • JennyColadaJennyColada member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I had an intimate wedding (5 guests!) and I ditto the party room in a restaurant idea - that's what we did! We didn't have to pay for linen, set up, any seating or tables, a DJ (we used an iPod), plates or serving utensils, and we got a great rate on food (plus we just picked a restaurant that we loved, so the food was FANTASTIC). I think that this is a wonderful plan if you're trying to think of ideas to keep a smaller event more cost-efficient.
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  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln member
    First Answer First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its

    Another great way to plan a smaller wedding is to look into public spaces, like city, county, or state parks. Usually the permit to hold an event there is very, very inexpensive. They'll often have bandshells, community centers or other indoor/covered spaces with seating that you can rent, too.

    Using them means you'll have to pay to bring in catering, but if you are truly pressed for funds (or if you just want a daytime wedding) you can have the wedding at a nonmeal time and just serve cake/punch/apps at the reception.

    A restaurant is definitely a bit easier, since it's a one-stop shop, but you might come out cheaper by going the park route (it just requires more logistics). I'm a big outdoor person, so it might have been worth it for me (or you could just find a restaurant with a lovely back garden/patio if you're into the outdoors).

    Good luck planning!

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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
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