Does FSIL (bridesmaid) really need to be involved in everything?

Re: Does FSIL (bridesmaid) really need to be involved in everything?

• flantastic member

  

  April 2015

  ConcreteTumbleWeed said:

  Hi All,
  
  This is a little long even after trying to summarize the situation.
  
  My FSIL, who is also one of my bridesmaids, has expressed that she is hurt and annoyed that I'm not including her in all of the 'bridesmaids' and other wedding activities.
  
  I'm being pretty easy going with my bridesmaids and MOH. I understand that even though I'm having a wedding, it doesn't mean that everyone stops their lives. I certainly have other things going on that are NWR that I can't stop just because I'm planning a wedding. With that said, as much as I enjoy times where all of us can be together, there are also times where I like being with each of my bridesmaids individually, because I have a different, special relationship with each of them.
  
  I had a fairly menial task to do last week, which I told all of my bridesmaids about but didn't require anyone to do. Most of them declined because it ended up being on Easter weekend. My MOH was going to come but the day before, she had to cancel because her father got a job reassignment out of the country and she wanted to say goodbye. One of my other bridesmaids said that she would love to help and hang out and ended up coming over the Saturday before Easter. My FSIL was one of two bridesmaids that didn't answer.
  
  So Saturday comes, my bridesmaid comes over and we have a great time together, talking while we're finishing up this task. At the end, we went out in the neighborhood and I treated her to dinner as a thank you before she went home. She "checked in" on Facebook with me at the restaurant but only said we were having a good time over dinner.
  
  The next day at Easter, my FSIL pulled me aside and said that she "was hurt because she felt that this was something all of the bridesmaids should have done together and I shouldn't call out one bridesmaid over another because we are all in this together and it would make everyone feel bad." Okay, I never once said that my other bridesmaid is awesome because she helped out. Anyway, she said that I really should hold off on any bridesmaids tasks until EVERYONE is available.
  
  I have 7 bridesmaids including my MOH. Everyone has demanding work schedules and personal schedules, including me. My MOH also just told me she is pregnant, for which I'm really happy for her. But when she told me, I already knew, this puts her at a hardship to attend everything wedding related. So, not everyone can attend everything. There are times where I just need things done and I can't wait for everyone and can just do it myself. So far, I have always said that I have so and so tasks to do, but I don't put expectations that everyone has to help me out all the time.
  
  My FSIL already has the task of coordinating all of the hotel stuff and she is helping my MOH plan the bachelorette party and bridal shower immensely, and I always let her know I'm appreciative for it. So I'm not understanding what her problem is.
  
  Any thoughts?
  
  Thanks.

  
  
  There isn't a problem, your gut is correct. Your FSIL is the one making up a problem. Tell her that since there aren't any BM tasks (it's your and your FI's job to plan your own wedding) that this shouldn't be an issue, and you just plan on spending time with your friends as that naturally happens.

  I wouldn't have brought up the menial task to anyone because that does put a little pressure on them to do things which really are only your responsibility, but it does sound like they were all comfortable saying no, so that's good.

  Do you spend any time with FSIL on her own? Like, you have individual dates with all your other friends - could she be upset that you don't do that with her and wants, then, to at least feel closer to you as a bridesmaid at "bridesmaid things"?
  

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• ConcreteTumbleWeed member

  

  April 2015

  I should have clarified. The only reason I let anyone know about any tasks, menial or not, is because sometimes they ask what I have left to do and if there is something they can do. I don't have a lot of tasks because we started planning pretty early and my FI and I are pretty self sufficient. So I really only say anything if someone specifically asks me. I admit, sometimes, it is nice that people offer to help. I certainly don't expect it but I'll take it if I need it.
  
  I try to set out alone time with everyone, including my FSIL. We actually just hung out around NYC about two weeks ago because she was looking for shoes for another wedding we are attending soon. I told her I wanted to find a dress as well so we decided to go shopping together and have dinner. It was a great time. With the other bridesmaids, we'll usually make plans that are not wedding related and just hang out. So I feel like I'm making sure I'm spending quality time with everyone.

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• Dreamergirl8812 member

  

  April 2015

  ConcreteTumbleWeed said:

  I should have clarified. The only reason I let anyone know about any tasks, menial or not, is because sometimes they ask what I have left to do and if there is something they can do. I don't have a lot of tasks because we started planning pretty early and my FI and I are pretty self sufficient. So I really only say anything if someone specifically asks me. I admit, sometimes, it is nice that people offer to help. I certainly don't expect it but I'll take it if I need it.
  
  I try to set out alone time with everyone, including my FSIL. We actually just hung out around NYC about two weeks ago because she was looking for shoes for another wedding we are attending soon. I told her I wanted to find a dress as well so we decided to go shopping together and have dinner. It was a great time. With the other bridesmaids, we'll usually make plans that are not wedding related and just hang out. So I feel like I'm making sure I'm spending quality time with everyone.

  This doesn't make sense. All 7 happened to ask you ahead of time about this menial task, and then 2 didn't respond when you asked/didn't ask for their help?

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  April 2015

  I'm curious what this task was? Was it a bridesmaid task? Your FSIL is being ridiculous. Trying to get 7 women to get together at the same time is practically impossible. There is also no reason why you can't do something with one bridesmaid or a few and not everyone.

  
  

  I had 3 bridesmaids, 2 sisters and my best friend. My sisters went dress shopping with me- they actually found my wedding dress. I went with one of mys sisters to look at bridesmaid dresses, and my best friend went to a bridal expo with me. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• ConcreteTumbleWeed member

  

  April 2015

  The task was to address invitations. My bridesmaids are all great and helpful but also busy as well. I also understand it was Easter weekend but I needed to get this out of the way because I'm sending out invites very soon. Waiting for everyone to be available was not really an option.

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  April 2015

  ConcreteTumbleWeed said:

  The task was to address invitations. My bridesmaids are all great and helpful but also busy as well. I also understand it was Easter weekend but I needed to get this out of the way because I'm sending out invites very soon. Waiting for everyone to be available was not really an option.

  Ok, this is not a task for bridesmaids. Your FI should have helped if you needed assistance. Now of course if someone asks if there is anything they can help you with, you can mention something like this. But I doubt that all 7 of your bridesmaids wanted to help you with this. I don't think it was appropriate to send an email/text whatever to everyone asking for help.

  
  

  If I were your bridesmaid, I wouldn't have responded either. You don't want me addressing your invitations because I have terrible handwriting.

  
  

  Now, your FSIL is still being ridiculous because there are no bridesmaid duties, and addressing invitations certainly isn't one.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• lovegood90 member

  

  April 2015

  ConcreteTumbleWeed said:

  The task was to address invitations. My bridesmaids are all great and helpful but also busy as well. I also understand it was Easter weekend but I needed to get this out of the way because I'm sending out invites very soon. Waiting for everyone to be available was not really an option.

  I agree with PPs- sorry but you really shouldn't have asked them. This is something you and your FI should have been responsible for. For the record there's no such thing as bridesmaids' tasks outside of showing up in the right dress the day of the wedding.

  Formerly martha1818

  

  
  

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• AddieCake member

  

  April 2015

  She is being ridiculous. You DID invite her; she didn't come and didn't even respond to your text. You do not need to hold off doing things until everyone can be together. 

  
  

  I'm going to go against the grain here and say it was ok to ask if they wanted to help. After all, they have been volunteering to help; nothing wrong with taking them up on an offer they made.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• notdoingitbythebook member

  

  April 2015

  I don't see a problem with asking for help with addressing invitations or anything like that. It's a lot of work and many hands make it go by faster. I think your FSIL is being ridiculous. You mentioned it had to be done, someone offered to help, she didn't bother to respond and that's her problem not yours.

  
  

  I think it's ridiculous to think that the only people who can/should address invitations is the bride and groom. How that's a couple exclusive thing is beyond me. I swear I am going to write a book about the stupidity of the vast majority of wedding etiquette. It's out of control. 

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  April 2015

  She's being cray cray. There's no such thing as "bridesmaid tasks." There are wedding tasks the couple is responsible for, which the BMs are free to help with, but you should by no means put off time sensitive to-dos because BMs can't be there. I would tell her exactly that.

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• ladyinthewhitedress member

  

  April 2015

  AddieCake said:

  She is being ridiculous. You DID invite her; she didn't come and didn't even respond to your text. You do not need to hold off doing things until everyone can be together. 

  
  

  I'm going to go against the grain here and say it was ok to ask if they wanted to help. After all, they have been volunteering to help; nothing wrong with taking them up on an offer they made.

  
  

  This. Also I think it would be very different if it was a fun Bridesmaid Task, like getting together to try on BM dresses. However, with 7 BMs it is pretty much impossible to get them all together.

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• flantastic member

  

  April 2015

  notdoingitbythebook said:

  I don't see a problem with asking for help with addressing invitations or anything like that. It's a lot of work and many hands make it go by faster. I think your FSIL is being ridiculous. You mentioned it had to be done, someone offered to help, she didn't bother to respond and that's her problem not yours.

  
  

  I think it's ridiculous to think that the only people who can/should address invitations is the bride and groom. How that's a couple exclusive thing is beyond me. I swear I am going to write a book about the stupidity of the vast majority of wedding etiquette. It's out of control. 

  It's not that other people can't do it - my MIL addressed ours because she wanted to bust out her calligraphy skills. It's that it's not anyone else's responsibility but the bride and groom's and so it should never be asked of anyone else. Much like all of the wedding planning.
  

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• littlepep member

  

  April 2015

  Yeah if people offered to help and you just sent an email saying FYI, I'm addressing invitations on X day if anyone wants to come, I don't think that's a big deal. I've had like 5 people offer to help me address envelopes. Apparently this is a thing people like to help with. 

  
  

  But you FSIL is wrong. It would have been rude for you to demand for everyone to be available to address envelopes. As long as you are spending time with them one on one doing normal friend stuff you are good. 

  

  
  

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• aphrodite0869 member

  

  April 2015

  You need to explain to your FSIL that the things you are doing are mostly things Brides do and that if people want to help that's fine, but your not forcing 7 grown women with lives and jobs to come help you with anything.  It was nice one of them came to help you as this is a big task and she didn't have too.  I would just tell her FSIL that you are inviting everyone but you can't make people come do anything - there are no job requirements as a bridesmaid and she needs to understand that. Good luck!

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• redoryx member

  

  April 2015

  notdoingitbythebook said:

  I don't see a problem with asking for help with addressing invitations or anything like that. It's a lot of work and many hands make it go by faster. I think your FSIL is being ridiculous. You mentioned it had to be done, someone offered to help, she didn't bother to respond and that's her problem not yours.

  
  

  I think it's ridiculous to think that the only people who can/should address invitations is the bride and groom. How that's a couple exclusive thing is beyond me. I swear I am going to write a book about the stupidity of the vast majority of wedding etiquette. It's out of control. 

  

  

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• SP29 member

  

  April 2015

  Yeah, FSIL is being ridiculous. As others have said, you should tell her that there aren't any tasks required of the bridal party, so while you appreciate the help you do not expect anyone to help and aren't going to get offended if you can't get all the girls together.

  
  

  
  

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