Is this fighting dirty?

badbnagdway · April 2015

I'll try to keep this as brief as I can. A friend of mine lives with her FI. She and her FI recently got into a fight (over something she admits was very dumb) on their way home from an event. When they got home, apparently her FI got out of the car, leaving her in it, and went in the house. She ended up locked out of the house - but she says she does not think he intentionally locked her out. Rather than knock on the door, text, or call her FI, she contacted another friend to come get her. Our mutual friend did come and get her and she stayed with that friend for the night and never told her FI where she was. It wasn't until the next morning that he saw she was gone at which point he contacted her.

To me both parties are acting like little kids. This is not the first time that one of them has walked out of wherever they are during a fight. What do you think? Would you do this?

mikenberger · April 2015

Yup, they're totally acting like children. How foolish.

No. I have never walked out and been gone for any noticeable period of time and neither has he. Seems to me that she's just looking for attention and he's willing to give it to her.

climbingsingle · April 2015

I think they both acted immaturely, although she behaved worse. She didn't even try to get in the house? And just left and never said where she was going?

I can honestly say that my H or I would never do that to the other person. That's really disrespectful. If we're having a disagreement and one of needs to take a break, we say, "I need to table this for a few minutes." or something like that. We don't just walk away. And we certainly don't leave the house without saying anything.

novella1186 · April 2015

They both sound super childish. The farthest I've gone was when FI and I got in a really big fight, and we were arguing in circles, and I was getting super mad and frustrated, so I walked into a different room for a few minutes to take a breather so I didn't end up saying something stupid out of anger. But obviously he knew where I was; it's not like I left.

And as soon as I felt a little calmer, we talked it out. I don't think secretly leaving and staying somewhere else is the best way to handle things.

It reminds me of a little kid who runs away from home and sits in their tree house all afternoon to make their parents miss them and "teach them a lesson" but then the parents don't even realize the kid went outside. What's the point?

MairePoppy · April 2015

It seems like they are meant for each other because no mature adult with put up with that kind of behavior.

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

What? How old are these people?

If this fight was about something dumb and they both acted this immature, how the hell are they going to handle actual problems in a marriage? Like real problems with real consequences?

littlepep · April 2015

Yeah this seems super childish to me. If you need time to step away from a fight, you tell the other person, hey I need a few minutes. Cool your head, take a walk and come back. But you don't just disappear.

I also find it hard to believe that he didn't notice she was gone that whole time.

maeday2 · April 2015

That's not fighting dirty. That's fighting like a child.

They're both in the wrong and need to learn how to properly hash out issues, especially when the reaction is to that extent about something stupid.

banana468 · April 2015

Ditto everyone saying they're both acting poorly. DH and I have been together for 11 years now so I know his fighting style. While he sometimes needs to walk away and cool off he'd never lock me out of our home. He would not do that and neither would I. And I would never be so upset that I'd sleep somewhere else without his knowledge.

They both sound like they have a lot of growing up to do.

redoryx · April 2015

I admittedly did this once after a fight with an ex. I didn't stay overnight, but I left without telling him and got in my car and stayed away for a couple hours.

I was also young and stupid and in a very dysfunctional relationship so, yeah, that is not the way too mature adults act.

falsara · April 2015

That's ridiculous. It's one thing to say "we're talking in circles, I'm going for a walk or a drive, I'll be back within the hour." But you don't just lock someone out or not tell the other person that you need a breather.

pinkcow13 · April 2015

Wow yea, they are both acting very immature. How did he not even attempt to contact her until the next day? I don't care how badly we are fighting, if FI did not come home, I would be contacting him all night if only to make sure that he was okay.

I would never do this to FI if we were arguing, unless of course my life was in danger (but that is a whole other can of worms).

amelisha · April 2015

I've never had a fight like that and I can't imagine getting in one.

lovegood90 · April 2015

They both sound like children. So she didn't bother to knock on the door and he didn't notice she was gone for the entire night?? That is horseshit.

And also scary if either of them ever decides to get a pet or have a child...

badbnagdway · April 2015

southernbelle0915 said:
What? How old are these people?

If this fight was about something dumb and they both acted this immature, how the hell are they going to handle actual problems in a marriage? Like real problems with real consequences?

They are both around 27. So, not 15.

Your questions are very legitimate and have been on my mind ever since I talked to her yesterday. I will say, I have a low tolerance for fighting. However, the first time I witnessed a fight between them a couple years back I was horrified. There was stomping, yelling, swearing, all because she couldn't find her keys (they had both been drinking, but to me to fight like that, in front of other people, is a bad sign). They fight more than I would be able to tolerate in my own relationship -- for a while it was weekly if not daily. Then I think they either stopped fighting so much or she stopped wanting to admit that they were fighting all the time. Lately we have both been pretty busy but it seems like anytime we have a serious conversation she talks about a fight they've had.

I did tell her yesterday that I personally would be really really upset if my FI left the house without telling me and left it at that.

buttercup1958 · April 2015

Yeah no, that sounds awful. I wouldn't want to be around them when they are fighting if that's how they conduct themselves.

flutteringinfl · April 2015

I don't think you need to take a poll to know that your friends behaved very immaturely. Luckily it's not your problem! But it does make for a good anecdote.

badbnagdway · April 2015

flutteringinfl said:
I don't think you need to take a poll to know that your friends behaved very immaturely. Luckily it's not your problem! But it does make for a good anecdote.

Yeah, so I ask because for me this would be one of the worst things someone could do to me - but I don't know if it's a personal thing (grew up with some abandonment issues) or of if I am overreacting. Sounds like my reaction of, WTF, is pretty standard.

littlepep · April 2015

badbnagdway said:
What? How old are these people?

If this fight was about something dumb and they both acted this immature, how the hell are they going to handle actual problems in a marriage? Like real problems with real consequences?

They are both around 27. So, not 15.

Your questions are very legitimate and have been on my mind ever since I talked to her yesterday. I will say, I have a low tolerance for fighting. However, the first time I witnessed a fight between them a couple years back I was horrified. There was stomping, yelling, swearing, all because she couldn't find her keys (they had both been drinking, but to me to fight like that, in front of other people, is a bad sign). They fight more than I would be able to tolerate in my own relationship -- for a while it was weekly if not daily. Then I think they either stopped fighting so much or she stopped wanting to admit that they were fighting all the time. Lately we have both been pretty busy but it seems like anytime we have a serious conversation she talks about a fight they've had.

I did tell her yesterday that I personally would be really really upset if my FI left the house without telling me and left it at that.

People like that are drama llamas though. I think there are people who legitimately love fighting. I couldn't handle this either.

Everyone fights, but your fights need to be productive. You have an issue, you discuss and come to a resolution. Otherwise it's just fighting for fighting's sake. Throwing a tantrum over keys is incredibly childish and pointless.

flutteringinfl · April 2015

badbnagdway said:

flutteringinfl said:
I don't think you need to take a poll to know that your friends behaved very immaturely. Luckily it's not your problem! But it does make for a good anecdote.
Yeah, so I ask because for me this would be one of the worst things someone could do to me - but I don't know if it's a personal thing (grew up with some abandonment issues) or of if I am overreacting. Sounds like my reaction of, WTF, is pretty standard.

I mean, FI locked me out of the house once, but it was part of a joke fight we were having, and I still banged on the door and told him to let me in. If it was part of a real fight, I'd be livid. This is my house too. He has no right to keep me out of it.

lyndausvi · April 2015

I predict a long happy marriage for these 2.

NOT!

ETA - I've had 3 sets of friends who fault like this. All 3 are now divorced. Some lasted 10 years or more, but no way they could last "til death do us part" unless one of them caused the death.

OliveOilsMom · April 2015

Every once in a while H will get in a mood. Usually its something that is eating away at him and eventually it compounds. One time this happened, he refused to get out of bed all day. He wouldn't even tell me what was wrong. It was a Saturday, so around 4 I told him I was going to church and that I was going to pray that God would give him the will to get out of bed and tell me what was wrong. Then I left for church. After church, I didn't want to go home to a mopey H (FI at the time), so I went to work on our BB&B registry.

After about 30 mins, I get a call from H. He was wondering where I was and started apologizing about being mopey. I told him where I was and that I would be home in 15 mins. I get home and we talked about what was bothering him. I also felt really guilty about not letting him know where I was and I will never do that to him again. So I did my own amount of apologizing too. That experience did teach H that talking out things before they get to that point is a better way to handle stress, problems, etc.

I think that situation was both a learning tool for ourselves. Although our situation was not to the extreme as the OP's friends. Hopefully this will also be a learning tool for the couple though.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226 · April 2015

When I was 18 and FI was 19, we got into a fight outside the movie theater, he told me I was causing a scene and he went in with our friends and I was outside pissed. I got mad, called my friend, and she came and picked me up. I didn't tell FI. He was SO mad at me, he wouldn't answer my calls the whole next day. Looking back, I know it was so stupid of both of us but we were young and dumb. We would never act like that now!

ohannabelle · April 2015

They not only sound like children, they sound like drunk children.

maeday2 · April 2015

Two things here.

1. I would never just walk away from an argument/discussion/fight...whatever. Just no.

2. FI would never do that either, but in the event that happened, there is no way I'd allow him to just drop off the grid. You communicate. That's how issues get solved.

Like PP's have said, taking a breather is wise sometimes. But their reactions to the situation probably caused MORE hurt feelings because they both behaved so poorly.

Bubblegum5586 · April 2015

H and I would be FURIOUS if the other one every pulled that. Just disapear for the night?!!?

badbnagdway · April 2015

novella1186 said:
It reminds me of a little kid who runs away from home and sits in their tree house all afternoon to make their parents miss them and "teach them a lesson" but then the parents don't even realize the kid went outside. What's the point?

This is a lot what it reminded me of.

I just talked to mutual friend who picked her up and fighting friend actually asked to be picked up prior to realizing she was locked out. Again, she told me she was pretty sure her FI had not intended to lock her out of the house.

I can certainly see, I'm mad at you, I'm sleeping in the guest bedroom/couch, etc. The part I don't get is leaving and not telling someone.

Is this fighting dirty?

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