DC

Changing your last name?

Is anyone else torn about changing their last name? My FI really wants me to take his last name but I just don't see the need for it. I feel like my last name is a part of my identity. If we were to have children of course I would want to have the same last name but that is not in our plans.

Just wondering if anyone else was struggling with this!

Re: Changing your last name?

  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    No struggles for me ...

    When I married the first time (almost 20 years ago), I had absolutely no desire to change my name, unless my hubby wanted to adopt mine and we both changed to a hyphenated last name.  He didn't want to do that, so I kept my last name.

    Going into this marriage, I am unsure.  My fiance hasn't expressed a preference.  He's used to me still having the same last name as I've always had, but he's also around when my son's friends call me "Mrs. First Husband's Last Name"  which doesn't bother him or me.

    If I were younger, I'd likely not change my name.  I will be 50 when I marry and in the midst of career change, so a name change might just be in the mix.  Or not.  LOL! 

    I sincerely doubt I'll change it socially, far too many people know me with my lifelong last name.  I may change it legally, though. Heck, I don't know. 

    I recommend going with what YOU want, though.  You are the one that needs to be comfortable with your name.

    Was that at all helpful??  Embarassed
  • edited December 2011
    I'll be keeping my last name. I feel the same way- it's part of my identity. It makes much more sense for me to keep it due to my job.That and the fact that my dad only had daughters so I'd like to carry on our last name. My FI was fine with it once I explained it. We do get a few odd looks from his family when we tell them I won't be taking his last name. But in the end it was something I wanted to do and FI was ok with it which was all that mattered.. I say if your FI really wants you to take his last name, maybe hyphenate it so you don't lose your last name. Or explain to him why you want to keep it. HTH
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • 2dBride2dBride member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I kept my last name in my first marriage (which lasted close to 20 years), and again in my current one.  In my mind, unless you get to tell FI what his name will be after the marriage, he doesn't get to tell you what yours will be.
  • mybooboosmybooboos member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I kept my last name after my first marriage and have plans of keeping it with this one, although my FI really wants me to change my name.  I asked him not to ask me to do something for him, that he wasn't willing to do for me.

    I've had my name for too many years, and it's what I identify with, and part of my connection with my father, who's no longer living.  For me, I'm not certain what I gain from the name change - I understand that it shows a "united front", but if I don't change it, I'm not saying that I'll love him any less, or be less committed to our vows.  No new children will be brought into the marriage, so there's no concern there.

    It really is a personal choice. I know women that have loudly criticized my decision, asking me, "what's wrong with you?"...because it's what women are supposed to do, and how it's always been done.  You just have to do whatever works best for you.
    Presentation is everything!! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    I am changing my name and very happy to do so. I feel that this is part of the change of direction of our lives. Not very popular these days but I am looking forward to starting this new chapter in our lives.

    M
  • mickeypottermickeypotter member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm keeping my name.
  • edited December 2011
    I am also not changing my last name. I love my last name and it is a part of who I am! But I understand that some people may want to change theirs : its all about how you feel! We are planning to use my FIs last name for our children, and my last name as a middle name for them. I should note that the only people this has bothered were some of my FIs family. Everyone else was totally fine. And one last thing : I am the daughter of a woman who didn't change her name and it caused me no trauma whatsoever. These days, families come in so many shapes and sizes, it is totally "normal" not to have the same last name as one's mother !


  • edited December 2011
    I am taking his last name because I don't really care for mine. It's a long story, but it has to do with my dad. However, I say you do what you feel is right. Your name is part of your identity and you need to be comfortable with that.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_dc_changing-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:57Discussion:a7a12e75-9de5-4893-86a9-ec6c8c739349Post:b2fd484a-cf40-4071-beaa-07691031a9ef">Re: Changing your last name?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am also not changing my last name. I love my last name and it is a part of who I am! But I understand that some people may want to change theirs : its all about how you feel! We are planning to use my FIs last name for our children, and my last name as a middle name for them. I should note that the only people this has bothered were some of my FIs family. Everyone else was totally fine. And one last thing : I am the daughter of a woman who didn't change her name and it caused me no trauma whatsoever. These days, families come in so many shapes and sizes, it is totally "normal" not to have the same last name as one's mother !
    Posted by Pickle2183[/QUOTE]

    My son's second middle name (he has two middle names) is my last name.  His last name is the same as his father's.  I didn't change my last name, but most of my son's friends refer to me as Mrs. First Husband's Last Name, which is just fine with me (at least they're respectful enough not to call me by my first name!).
  • edited December 2011
    I struggled with this, but I am changing my name to my new husband's last name.  I have a large family that is well known in our community and I love when random people ask me if I am related to The [family name].  I will miss that, but I feel like taking his name is more important to him and I want us to be known as Mr. & Mrs.
    We ran off to Vegas and got married!
  • edited December 2011
    I am not changing my last name.
  • edited December 2011
    I am keeping my last name within my name and just adding FI's last name (no hyphen) to my name.
  • HiddenPawHiddenPaw member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I LOVE my last name, and I always have, and I don't really care for my fiance's last name.

    That said, I am changing my last name to his.  I think it's part of the whole two-becoming-one thing.  If we didn't want to merge our lives together in a special way, we wouldn't be getting married!  I think it's part of saying "yeah, we're committed to being together, I'm with him and he's with me, come what may."  But, as a way to honor my awesome last name, we decided to make it our first child's first name (boy or girl).  That's sort of a southern thing, I think.

    It's also important to my fiance, and it's often more important to guys than they let on.  One of my friends' husbands said his friends were so honored when their wives took their name, and it hurt the guys' feelings when the wife didn't take his name.  Not all guys feel that way, but I think quite a few do.

    As a practical matter, I'm not changing it legally until about six months after our wedding.  I'm in my last year of law school, and I'm already filling stuff out for graduation and the bar exam, and we're getting married in February.  It would be a total nightmare to try and change my name in the middle of all that!
  • edited December 2011
    I'm unsure about this as well. I used to say that I would love to take my faince's name, before she became my fiance.. now I think about it and it makes me sad. I might hyphenate mine... I just don't know yet.

    I feel the same way about it being apart of my identity. Its weird that it just wont be there anymore!

    And lemme say, it's kinda nice to read that other people have the same feelings :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker LilySlim Weight loss tickers White Knot
  • edited December 2011
    It is kindof a hard thing to do. I've always intended to change my name, but now that I'm actually facing it, there is a little bit of a sense of sadness at saying goodbye to it. It IS who I've been for my entire life. Weird to think of it differently. However, I think it's important.

    Some people say it doesn't matter, it's just a name, doesn't really make a difference if it's the same as his or not. But if it doesn't really make a difference, why is it so hard to change it?

    I think it DOES make a difference. It is part of the leaving and cleaving process. When you marry, you are saying goodbye to your current family, -in a sense. They are certainly still important, but they become secondary to your husband and the immediate family that you are forming. You are also saying goodbye to a life lived for yourself and based on your own needs and cares, and saying hello to a life that involves two people who are now becoming one. Two independent people who are joining together. There are alot of kinks in that process for both parties, and there's alot of work involved in denying self because truly, love is sacrificing yourself without expecting anything in return. But that is what it takes to make a marriage work. 

    If you plan to marry and want to retain your own independent life and identity apart from your husband, I would caution that you might be setting yourself up for heartbreak way down the road when the glow of newlywed bliss has worn off. It takes complete and total commitment from both people to create a new life together if a marriage is going to work. Many times, symbolic outward steps help us along as we change our mindset from "me" to "us."

    I personally haven't decided what to do w/ my maiden name. Traditionally, it becomes your middle name... which is nice. It acknowledges your family and where you came from and what made you into who you are while still identifying you as a member of your new family. But I don't want to lose my middle name either. I might just go for 2 middle names. :-)
  • edited December 2011
    I am definitely having second thoughts about changing my last name to my fiancé's. At first I would jokingly tell him that I am keeping my last name and why shouldn't I? I have been this 'person' for 29 years, and what gets me is that it is expected! He never asked me..... I think if perhaps he asked me in such a way that acknowledged my parting with my cherished last name, which I love, to be something I may not want to do and would have to think about, I'd sit better with it. I am not one to do things that others expect of me, and I want the choice. A lot of our wedding choices differ from the expected traditions as we would like to make our own mark on our wedding day. After having written this, I have come to the decision to have a more serious talk about it, as I don't want anything about getting married to make me feel uncomfortable. One should never do anything in life that others expect of you if it doesn't make you happy. I know I'll have to deal with his family's comments and ridicule but lately my answer to them has been, "This is what WE want/decided." Why is the most joyous occasion in someone's life always somehow criticized by family? 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards