How do you say no?

KimberlyR1002 · April 2015

How do you politely refuse offers from family and friends to do stuff, especially for free? My bridesmaid's mother offered to alter my dress, and got really offended when I told her I wanted it to be done at the salon where I bought it. I have bakers and hairdressers and planners coming out of the woodwork and I have no idea how to nicely say no thanks.

Jen4948 · April 2015

Just say, "No, thank you."

littlepep · April 2015

I would just say "That's a nice offer, but we've already got it covered. Thanks."

mikenberger · April 2015

"I appreciate the offer! That's really nice of you. But I've already got that taken care of. Thanks!"

climbingsingle · April 2015

"That's OK. I've got it covered. Thank you though! That's very sweet of you to offer."

thisismynickname2 · April 2015

Learn the art of the bean dip.

"Oh, that's so kind of you to offer to bake. I love your cakes! But we have it covered. So, have you tried this bean dip? Great spice, goes so well with these Tostitos."

I know it's hard. My best friend had a coworker basically harassing her to do her photography, and other coworkers even suggesting she use the person as her photographer. The photographer sucked, so no way in hell. She managed to deflect, decline, and say they had it covered.

KimberlyR1002 · April 2015

Guess I need to grow some balls, then. I made the mistake of meeting my aunt for "coffee" which turned out to be a sales pitch for her services as a planner, and now I can't get rid of her. Her son is a caterer, her daughter is a baker, her nephew is a photographer, etc. Such a headache.

mikenberger · April 2015

KimberlyR1002 said:
Guess I need to grow some balls, then. I made the mistake of meeting my aunt for "coffee" which turned out to be a sales pitch for her services as a planner, and now I can't get rid of her. Her son is a caterer, her daughter is a baker, her nephew is a photographer, etc. Such a headache.

DO NOT DO THIS. DANGER. DANGER.

If you do choose to get family involved (please DON'T) only do it if you can separate and they can separate vendor from family AND you have a contract. A big huge contract in case one of you has an issue with the services provided. We've had so many brides come on here "I hired my coworker..." "I hired my neighbor..." "I hired my cousin..." "I hired my best friend..." and they're all tales of woe. Save yourself the headache.

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

KimberlyR1002 said:
Guess I need to grow some balls, then. I made the mistake of meeting my aunt for "coffee" which turned out to be a sales pitch for her services as a planner, and now I can't get rid of her. Her son is a caterer, her daughter is a baker, her nephew is a photographer, etc. Such a headache.

Sure you can. By not being a too-nice pushover. Shut her down when she wants to talk wedding - "It's nice of you to ask, but we're really burned out on talking about the wedding. How did Fido's surgery go? I've been thinking about y'all." If she pushes, "I'm sorry, but I just don't want to talk about the wedding...(insert subject change)." If she still pushes, "Oh, that's my FI, I've got to run. It was good to talk with/see you! Bye!"

Some people just don't know when to shut the hell up. Nicely say no and change the subject back to them. Two or three strikes and they're out - conversation over. Girl bye.

KimberlyR1002 · April 2015

mikenberger said:

KimberlyR1002 said:
Guess I need to grow some balls, then. I made the mistake of meeting my aunt for "coffee" which turned out to be a sales pitch for her services as a planner, and now I can't get rid of her. Her son is a caterer, her daughter is a baker, her nephew is a photographer, etc. Such a headache.
DO NOT DO THIS. DANGER. DANGER.

If you do choose to get family involved (please DON'T) only do it if you can separate and they can separate vendor from family AND you have a contract. A big huge contract in case one of you has an issue with the services provided. We've had so many brides come on here "I hired my coworker..." "I hired my neighbor..." "I hired my cousin..." "I hired my best friend..." and they're all tales of woe. Save yourself the headache.

I've been lurking here long enough that I've heard many of those stories, that's what scares me so much! I just hate confrontation and my family is famous for holding grudges. They move as a pack so if I alienate one, I alienate a bunch of them. Not that I'd miss them, but then I'd have to listen to my mother complain about how rude I was to Aunt Melody when she was only trying to be nice or whatever. I was hoping someone had found a genius solution for keeping everyone happy. I'll have to try the bean dip!

drunkenwitch · April 2015

KimberlyR1002 said:

mikenberger said:

KimberlyR1002 said:
Guess I need to grow some balls, then. I made the mistake of meeting my aunt for "coffee" which turned out to be a sales pitch for her services as a planner, and now I can't get rid of her. Her son is a caterer, her daughter is a baker, her nephew is a photographer, etc. Such a headache.
DO NOT DO THIS. DANGER. DANGER.

If you do choose to get family involved (please DON'T) only do it if you can separate and they can separate vendor from family AND you have a contract. A big huge contract in case one of you has an issue with the services provided. We've had so many brides come on here "I hired my coworker..." "I hired my neighbor..." "I hired my cousin..." "I hired my best friend..." and they're all tales of woe. Save yourself the headache.
I've been lurking here long enough that I've heard many of those stories, that's what scares me so much! I just hate confrontation and my family is famous for holding grudges. They move as a pack so if I alienate one, I alienate a bunch of them. Not that I'd miss them, but then I'd have to listen to my mother complain about how rude I was to Aunt Melody when she was only trying to be nice or whatever. I was hoping someone had found a genius solution for keeping everyone happy. I'll have to try the bean dip!

I fail to see the downside of a pack of immature, passive agressive brats refusing to speak to you. Sounds very liberating to me.

Here is how you handle mom complaining about. You walk away. You get up leave. Tell her that you will talk to her when she drops the subject.

Remember, the leverage you have as an adult is your presence. If they won't respect you they can't see you. I taught my family that lesson years ago. It was a long uphill battle and I missed several family gatherings but I get treated with the same respect I give them now. Absolutely worth the fight.

peachy13 · April 2015

OP -- I struggle with being a people pleaser too. Unsolicited advice from good people in my life and I don't have the heart to say no to their face. I've been doing a lot of "That's a good idea, I'll let you know" which have seemed to get me off the hook for the time being but it's probably not great advice for the long run. The PPs who propose saying "I've got it covered, thanks" are geniuses and I need to use this line more.

Regarding your friend's mother the seamstress, she was definitely in the wrong to get offended. Try not to let it bother you! Regarding your aunt, you know it's a bad idea. Well all know it. There is still time to politely get out of the situation by just talking to her.

huskypuppy14 · April 2015

My almost brother in law wanted to do the photography for my wedding. I politely told him I wanted him to be a guest not a vendor (true). It was nothing against his photography, he's a great photographer, but I didn't want a family/friend to be a vendor, nor did I want to deal with any issues.

Family/friends as a vendor is a bad idea.

Fairyjen1 · April 2015

huskypuppy14 said:
My almost brother in law wanted to do the photography for my wedding. I politely told him I wanted him to be a guest not a vendor (true). It was nothing against his photography, he's a great photographer, but I didn't want a family/friend to be a vendor, nor did I want to deal with any issues.

Family/friends as a vendor is a bad idea.

Not always, but you have to treat them like you would any other vendor. My aunt is a kick-ass wedding photographer. She has lots of experience and her work is excellent. I didn't want to use anyone else.

In the context of the wedding we had a client/vendor relationship. I mean, she's still my aunt, and she gave me the family discount :-p but we had a signed contract and both of us were careful to follow it to the T. My pictures are gorgeous.

If she was only a hobby photographer or offered to do it for free I probably wouldn't have used her. I work with a lot of non-profits and I've seen too much volunteer 'free' help not pan out.

antoto · April 2015

I had a friend who wanted to play her violin for our ceremony (she is really amazing - was in the national orchestra in China), but I really didn't want any of my guests doing any work at all. She did get a little hurt when I told her that she was so sweet but I could not have her doing that, but she moved on. I just kept repeating that I really wanted her to just relax and have a great time and not work, so she knew it was coming from a good place.

lc07 · April 2015

KimberlyR1002 said:

mikenberger said:

KimberlyR1002 said:
Guess I need to grow some balls, then. I made the mistake of meeting my aunt for "coffee" which turned out to be a sales pitch for her services as a planner, and now I can't get rid of her. Her son is a caterer, her daughter is a baker, her nephew is a photographer, etc. Such a headache.
DO NOT DO THIS. DANGER. DANGER.

If you do choose to get family involved (please DON'T) only do it if you can separate and they can separate vendor from family AND you have a contract. A big huge contract in case one of you has an issue with the services provided. We've had so many brides come on here "I hired my coworker..." "I hired my neighbor..." "I hired my cousin..." "I hired my best friend..." and they're all tales of woe. Save yourself the headache.
I've been lurking here long enough that I've heard many of those stories, that's what scares me so much! I just hate confrontation and my family is famous for holding grudges. They move as a pack so if I alienate one, I alienate a bunch of them. Not that I'd miss them, but then I'd have to listen to my mother complain about how rude I was to Aunt Melody when she was only trying to be nice or whatever. I was hoping someone had found a genius solution for keeping everyone happy. I'll have to try the bean dip!

I don't see how saying no would be confrontational or make you alienate these people or make you rude. Saying "no" is not a bad thing. You aren't saying they suck at whatever they are offering to do, you're simply saying that you don't need the particular service they are offering. You can do that graciously by being very thankful for their offer. I'd then jump right into another topic enthusiastically. All the better if it is complimentary to them and/or makes them want to talk about something in their life so that they enthusiastically switch gears with you.

jcoons23 · April 2015

If you use a friend/family member, you also run the risk of them missing key things from being sidetracked with other guests. Or that other guests won't understand that "Aunt Sally" (or whoever), can't talk right now because they are working. It saves the family/friend person from looking rude to other guests, and saves you from getting shoddy work due to whomever trying to not look rude

MandyMost · April 2015

Have you ever read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie? It's a classic, and could really help you out here. There are lots of tactics to get what you want, while making the other person they think they got what they want.

For instance, in this case, you could focus on how much you want them to be a guest at the wedding, and how important it is to you that all of your guests aren't working, and are free to mingle and enjoy themselves. You can also blame yourself, and say that you know you're a super difficult client, and you wouldn't want to hurt your relationship because you know that while the cake/photography/whatever would be perfect that you would be emotional and making a big deal out of irrational things and it would be all your fault that your relationship would be damaged. Also, you could say you already had chosen the person to use for that. And/or you could always "blame your fiance" by saying he had already committed to use someone else, before talking to you to know there was someone offering.

KimberlyR1002 · April 2015

lc07 said:

KimberlyR1002 said:

mikenberger said:

KimberlyR1002 said:
Guess I need to grow some balls, then. I made the mistake of meeting my aunt for "coffee" which turned out to be a sales pitch for her services as a planner, and now I can't get rid of her. Her son is a caterer, her daughter is a baker, her nephew is a photographer, etc. Such a headache.
DO NOT DO THIS. DANGER. DANGER.

If you do choose to get family involved (please DON'T) only do it if you can separate and they can separate vendor from family AND you have a contract. A big huge contract in case one of you has an issue with the services provided. We've had so many brides come on here "I hired my coworker..." "I hired my neighbor..." "I hired my cousin..." "I hired my best friend..." and they're all tales of woe. Save yourself the headache.
I've been lurking here long enough that I've heard many of those stories, that's what scares me so much! I just hate confrontation and my family is famous for holding grudges. They move as a pack so if I alienate one, I alienate a bunch of them. Not that I'd miss them, but then I'd have to listen to my mother complain about how rude I was to Aunt Melody when she was only trying to be nice or whatever. I was hoping someone had found a genius solution for keeping everyone happy. I'll have to try the bean dip!

I don't see how saying no would be confrontational or make you alienate these people or make you rude. Saying "no" is not a bad thing. You aren't saying they suck at whatever they are offering to do, you're simply saying that you don't need the particular service they are offering. You can do that graciously by being very thankful for their offer. I'd then jump right into another topic enthusiastically. All the better if it is complimentary to them and/or makes them want to talk about something in their life so that they enthusiastically switch gears with you.

I don't understand it either, but my family members have black belts in grudge holding. Part of the issue is I wasn't planning on inviting some of them because it's a small wedding, so on top of refusing their offers, I'm also snubbing them. I think I'm just gonna make other plans and then tell them I already made arrangements haha.

KimberlyR1002 · April 2015

peachy13 said:
OP -- I struggle with being a people pleaser too. Unsolicited advice from good people in my life and I don't have the heart to say no to their face. I've been doing a lot of "That's a good idea, I'll let you know" which have seemed to get me off the hook for the time being but it's probably not great advice for the long run. The PPs who propose saying "I've got it covered, thanks" are geniuses and I need to use this line more.

Regarding your friend's mother the seamstress, she was definitely in the wrong to get offended. Try not to let it bother you! Regarding your aunt, you know it's a bad idea. Well all know it. There is still time to politely get out of the situation by just talking to her.

This is really my problem, I'm a huge people pleaser. I'm just afraid "I'll let you know" leaves it too open, like I'm leading them on. I really do need to grow a pair.

hyechica81 · April 2015

bean dip the hell out of them most places do not allow home baked goods into the venue so you could say my venue does not allow anyone not licensed to bring any food drinks or cakes into the venue. you could also use the venue we love has a preferred vendor policy and we can only use those on the list, our venue is all inclusive including the cake.

KimberlyR1002 · April 2015

hyechica81 said:
bean dip the hell out of them most places do not allow home baked goods into the venue so you could say my venue does not allow anyone not licensed to bring any food drinks or cakes into the venue. you could also use the venue we love has a preferred vendor policy and we can only use those on the list, our venue is all inclusive including the cake.

Oh how I wish, but my venue is a state park. I'm about ready to just bake the darn thing myself haha, save everyone the trouble.

SP29 · April 2015

If family keeps pushing I would go with the, "Thank you so much for the offer- that is very kind of you, but we've already got it covered and we would really love to have you there as a guest and our family, not working the whole event".

How do you say no?

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