Inviting broke college friends

clynnmayer · April 2015

My fiance and I are both recent college grads, so many of our friends are in the "low income part-time job high student loans" subsection of the population. Several of those live out of state (8-9 hour drive to get to the wedding), and my fiance is all worried that our inviting these friends will be too much of a financial burden - so he wants to include a sort of disclaimer with their invites about how we'd love to have them, but if it's too long a trip or too expensive or puts them out unduly, they really shouldn't feel like they HAVE to come. I think that's a terrible idea, because that disclaimer sounds to me like you're sending invites to people that you don't actually want to show up. And that's not true at all!

I feel like people will say yes or no as they're able to a normal invite, and if they say no, we move on with our lives, everyone secure in the knowledge that of course we'd love to see them but it's really NBD. He thinks they'll feel pressured to come if we send them an invite with no disclaimer, and that they'll feel like we think they're bad friends if they can't come. Are one or both of us crazy here? It's swiftly becoming a Thing.

climbingsingle · April 2015

Your instinct is right. Do not include that with your invites.

mikenberger · April 2015

This is a terrible fucking idea. My goodness! I know he's coming from a good place, but wow! You're basically saying "I know that you're poor and I can't trust you to spend your money wisely. So I'm giving you an out on my wedding. Probably don't even care if you show up."

You are totally right on not including this. An invite is an invite. Not a court summons. I'm sure you'll get some declines for financial reasons (I was a poor college student for about 3 years after graduating) but I'm sure you'll graciously handle those as best you can and move on with your wedding.

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

No..... Don't include that.

Getting a wedding invitation isn't the same as getting a subpoena or a jury duty summons. That's why there's a "decline" box on the RSVP... If they can't swing it financially, they'll decline.

CMGragain · April 2015

It is very rude to try and second guess your guests about whether or not they will attend your wedding. It is their decision, not yours. Simply invite whoever you want to be at your wedding. Let your guests make their own decisions.

augsum15 · April 2015

Sometimes I think men overthink things more then women. You're right, do not include it.

If I got an invitation saying that I'd say "then why do you invite me?", and throw it in the garbage.

People will decline if they can't make it, and accept if they can. Just like every other wedding in the world. I extended invitations to all of my family across Canada, I knew some would be able to come and some wouldn't, and I was pleasantly surprised to receive accepted rsvps from people I didn't think would be able to come, and wasn't completely distraught when I got back declines.

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

augsum15 said:
Sometimes I think men overthink things more then women. You're right, do not include it.

If I got an invitation saying that I'd say "then why do you invite me?", and throw it in the garbage.

People will decline if they can't make it, and accept if they can. Just like every other wedding in the world. I extended invitations to all of my family across Canada, I knew some would be able to come and some wouldn't, and I was pleasantly surprised to receive accepted rsvps from people I didn't think would be able to come, and wasn't completely distraught when I got back declines.

And sometimes people make really sexist statements and gender stereotype.

Kessler? Is that you?

augsum15 · April 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

show previous quotes
augsum15 said:
Sometimes I think men overthink things more then women. You're right, do not include it.

If I got an invitation saying that I'd say "then why do you invite me?", and throw it in the garbage.

People will decline if they can't make it, and accept if they can. Just like every other wedding in the world. I extended invitations to all of my family across Canada, I knew some would be able to come and some wouldn't, and I was pleasantly surprised to receive accepted rsvps from people I didn't think would be able to come, and wasn't completely distraught when I got back declines.
And sometimes people make really sexist statements and gender stereotype.

Kessler? Is that you?

Erm, I didn't say *ALL*, I said sometimes I think. Only because my FI comes up with silly ideas that he overthinks. Anyways, I was being sarcastic, I know plenty of women who overthink things more then men, if that helps. :P

JennyColada · April 2015

An invitation is not a subpoena. Everyone knows that if it would be too much of a financial burden or too much of a logistical travel hassle that they don't have to come. There is no need to re-state the obvious. You also don't need to write on your invites "please remember to breathe the air so that you don't accidentally pass out."

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

augsum15 said:

show previous quotes
southernbelle0915 said:

augsum15 said:
Sometimes I think men overthink things more then women. You're right, do not include it.

If I got an invitation saying that I'd say "then why do you invite me?", and throw it in the garbage.

People will decline if they can't make it, and accept if they can. Just like every other wedding in the world. I extended invitations to all of my family across Canada, I knew some would be able to come and some wouldn't, and I was pleasantly surprised to receive accepted rsvps from people I didn't think would be able to come, and wasn't completely distraught when I got back declines.
And sometimes people make really sexist statements and gender stereotype.

Kessler? Is that you?
Erm, I didn't say *ALL*, I said sometimes I think. Only because my FI comes up with silly ideas that he overthinks. Anyways, I was being sarcastic, I know plenty of women who overthink things more then men, if that helps. :P

It's different to say, "My FI overthinks things sometimes" versus "sometimes I think men overthink things more than women". In the first scenario, you're just talking about a person you know (who happens to have a penis). In the second scenario, you're talking about people who have penises versus people who have vaginas and making a generalization based on that anatomy.

That is the very definition of gender stereotyping.

hashtag43016 · April 2015

What? No. Don't do that. You can say yes or no to invitation. If people can't afford to go, then they won't come. It is not a requirement to go to every thing you are invited to. You are completely right in the fact that this is not the best idea.

AddieCake · April 2015

I do not understand this new trend of people fretting over this and that and thinking they need disclaimers for everything in their invitations.

clynnmayer · April 2015

Thanks, all! I talked him out of it, but it's nice to have some interwebs backup to pull out if he falls off the proverbial wagon.

MyNameIsNot · April 2015

Good, it sounds like you're on the right track.

And you never know, they may surprise you. In college, a group of 5-6 of us were in a similar situation for a friend's wedding. We all piled into someone's van and shared a single hotel room. It was cramped, but at 22, we just didn't care all that much. I think we each spent about $50 to make the trip.

Inviting broke college friends

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