What am I supposed to answer to this?! update in comments

JaniV123 · April 2015

Last night, my night ended with an email from my dad asking me to let him now if he could invite the people on the email, the highlighted ones were REALLy important to him and its a list of 15 people I have never met....

WTF I already told him we were not inviting any more people and that inviting those people was much more than a plate of food. 15 people would be 2 more tables and linens and centerpieces and alcohol which would be around $700.

His argument is that "my family (mom's side) is getting to invite the people they want so he should get invites too".

Ummm EXCUSE ME?! We are hosting the wedding we are paying for most of it and yes my uncle's are paying for food but even they didn't ask me to invite extra people. He has this vendetta against my mom and he thinks he is entitled to shit even if he isn't contributing one cent to the wedding our lives, NOTHING and he still owes me money.

So wise knotties, how should I respond yet again to this, now over email?

littlepep · April 2015

The guest list is already finalized so unfortunately we can accommodate any more people.

IrishPirate60 · April 2015

"Sorry. The guest list is closed. How's the weather?"

luckya23 · April 2015

"Nope."

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2015

The word you're looking for is "no." Say it with me now: "no." Easy as that.

huskypuppy14 · April 2015

Send a one word email: No.

KatieinBkln · April 2015

PPs are right. It's clear that he frustrates you, but you don't need advice on what to say--you know exactly what to say.

Ignoring the inevitable temper tantrum from a grown man that will no doubt ensue afterward will be a pain in the ass, but ignoring it is definitely the best option.

JaniV123 · April 2015

@Scribe95 exactly but to him it is a silly "emotional thing" because these people have been helping him with his health problems and such and I already told him we didnt have space for these people which is why I am angry he keeps pushing because that is what he does!

jenajjthr · April 2015

JaniV123 said:
@Scribe95 exactly but to him it is a silly "emotional thing" because these people have been helping him with his health problems and such and I already told him we didnt have space for these people which is why I am angry he keeps pushing because that is what he does!

He is using this as his way of guilting your "no" into a "yes." He won't stop pushing until you give him what he wants. There is no magical answer that we can give you that will stop him. Sorry. The best thing to do at this point is to keep your reply short and sweet like PP's have said "The guest list is finalized. I won't be able to accommodate your request." And then move on. Give no reason why. He will just use that as a bargaining chip to get you to change your answer. Then drink lots of wine and come here and vent? Sorry you have to deal with this behavior.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2015

Try it in Spanish: No

Ishkashmi: No

Sardinian: No

Nigerian Pidgin: No

If you want to be slightly more verbose, there's "sorry Dad, no." Don't give him ANY more reason or explanation than that because he's not going to accept it anyway. He isn't going to suddenly think "OHHH, the guest list is closed! I get it now!" The answer is just "no."

JaniV123 · April 2015

Thanks Lolo and jenajjthr yeah he isnt really reasonable which is why it is sooo frustrating. I have to call him back later as he left me a voicemail so I will come back and vent after the No is ensued

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

"Sorry, dad. The guest list is closed."

kmmssg · April 2015

We will be here when you need to come back and vent some more. Remember, don't suck into his guilt trip or argument. "No Dad, the guest is closed. So is this discussion."

JaniV123 · April 2015

I talked to him this is how the conversation went:

Dad: Did you see my email?

Me: Yes but no you can't invite them, invitations are done

Dad: But.... Did you come to the area?

Me: No I am going tomorrow

Dad: Ok we'll talk about it tomorrow

Me: There's nothing to talk about

Dad: Nah it's ok we can talk about that tomorrow

.....

the amount of anger and stress this causes me is outrageous

ETA: Rant*

It makes me so mad how he has ZERO respect for me and he thinks I have to do whatever the fck he wants just cause he is my dad and he is super sick.

This is why I am so cold with him , why I didnt see or talk to him for over 18 months, why I was this close to not even inviting him to the wedding. UGH

I seriously wish I could tell him to STFU and go to hell and stop trying to control my life when I am a 23 y/o woman who can think and act for herself.

littlepep · April 2015

JaniV123 said:
I talked to him this is how the conversation went:

Dad: Did you see my email?
Me: Yes but no you can't invite them, invitations are done
Dad: But.... Did you come to the area?
Me: No I am going tomorrow
Dad: Ok we'll talk about it tomorrow
Me: There's nothing to talk about
Dad: Nah it's ok we can talk about that tomorrow

.....

the amount of anger and stress this causes me is outrageous

ETA: Rant*

It makes me so mad how he has ZERO respect for me and he thinks I have to do whatever the fck he wants just cause he is my dad and he is super sick.

This is why I am so cold with him , why I didnt see or talk to him for over 18 months, why I was this close to not even inviting him to the wedding. UGH

I seriously wish I could tell him to STFU and go to hell and stop trying to control my life when I am a 23 y/o woman who can think and act for herself.

Do not let him have access to any invitations. Continue to shut him down. I would tell him it's going to be really awkward if he invites people without your consent because they will have nowhere to sit, etc.

Stay strong! I know this is frustrating. Your dad is being a jerk, but you got this!

JaniV123 · April 2015

@littlepep thanks. Yeah he wont have any access as I am putting them together with my mom tomorrow. But yeah he is still capable of inviting them even just to the ceremony etc. He is a class A douche and manipulative A-hole. I try to keep him at arms length for this very reason

littlepep · April 2015

JaniV123 said:
@littlepep thanks. Yeah he wont have any access as I am putting them together with my mom tomorrow. But yeah he is still capable of inviting them even just to the ceremony etc. He is a class A douche and manipulative A-hole. I try to keep him at arms length for this very reason

Yuck. Sorry to hear that. Hopefully if he does try to invite people they know not to take it seriously without a real invite.

JaniV123 · April 2015

I was just talking about this to FI, he is like "tell your dad if he dares to invite these people there wont be a table etc for them" I told him "I will make a list of the people who RSVP and the ones who might show up surprise etc and give it to the venue and to not let people in if not on the list.

He is capable of telling these poor people "he will handle it" and "the invitation won't be a problem" etc. I am seriously angry right now at his dedication for the past 3 month of the same story and over and over me putting my foot down and telling him NO it just wont happen.

To him it can all be solved with him paying me for these guests like how Fked up is that!

[Deleted User] · April 2015

If these people are so important to him because they've helped him, he should just take them to lunch or show his appreciation in another way (aka on his own dime), not invite them to your wedding!

Hopefully those people wont show (considering they font know you and aren't getting a formal invite)

Stay strong!

JaniV123 · April 2015

@AlisonM23

OMG you just reminded me I left out a super Klassy thing from his part. He can't take them to dinner cus he doesn't have any money. He wants to know how much inviting these people cost so he can ask my uncle (his brother) to give him the money to invite these people I don't really know.

Which is another reason why I won't even consider letting him invite even one person from his list. He want my uncle to pay for these people! JFC I have no idea what makes him think this is rational or even aproppriate!

jenajjthr · April 2015

Sorry to hear how he is acting. My bio dad is the same way. I found out through FB that he had another heart attack and was in the hospital for 5 days. I guess since I wasn't acting all daughter like and kissing his butt that I couldn't get a phone call. I guess his loss on that support? But when you don't act like a dad for 40 years don't expect me to magically act like a daughter.

When you are in the area and he wants to "talk" just shut him down. If he persists, tell him the guest list is finalized and if he wants to bully you about it, then you will need to remove yourself from the situation. Then get up and go. If he is your ride, have money to call a cab. If you are his ride, then he can call a cab. Again, no trying to reason with him because you can't reason with people like him. Good luck in all of this.

huskypuppy14 · April 2015

I was just talking about this to FI, he is like "tell your dad if he dares to invite these people there wont be a table etc for them" I told him "I will make a list of the people who RSVP and the ones who might show up surprise etc and give it to the venue and to not let people in if not on the list.

He is capable of telling these poor people "he will handle it" and "the invitation won't be a problem" etc. I am seriously angry right now at his dedication for the past 3 month of the same story and over and over me putting my foot down and telling him NO it just wont happen.

To him it can all be solved with him paying me for these guests like how Fked up is that!

Honestly, if someone thinks it's a good idea to go to a wedding when they haven't received an invitation, they deserve to be kicked out.

I know it's easier said than done, but tell your dad he's lucky he's even invited. Being sick is no excuse for being an asshole.

novella1186 · April 2015

ugh I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I totally understand the frustration and stress cuz this sounds a lot like my dad. We had nasty arguments over the guest list for nearly a year, and he actually stomped around and screamed the F-word at one point. It was gross and ridiculous.

lolo is dead-on with her advice. Just "no." and that's it. Trying to give reasons or explanations just opens the door to arguments. Say "no," The End. And then avoid talking to him. I spent several months not speaking to my dad and it was great. Didn't have to deal with any of his bullshit.

My mom at one point even tried to guilt-trip me and say "oooh how can you not invite your dad's cousin? [4th cousin who I've never met] They're very close. He's going to feel awful." I said, "Great, have your own party and invite him. I don't know him. He's not coming to my wedding. I'm done talking about it." Eventually she would try to bring stuff up and I would literally just say "no" and then stop talking to her. Now she gets it. When I say "no," she understands it's a boundary she can't cross because I really mean no, and she drops it.

And surprisingly, my dad has been much less of an asshole lately. We spoke a few weeks ago and he said he was sad and confused that I hadn't spoken to him in so long. I said, "Last time we spoke you were an asshole. If you are an asshole to me, you do not get to speak to me. It's that simple." It seemed to get through to him. I doubt he has permanently changed, but that's ok, because now that I've defined that boundary I'm going to stick to it. You're gonna be an asshole? Bye.

My point is to set boundaries and keep them. No. No means No. No.

JaniV123 · April 2015

@Novella1186 yeah boundaries help but they dont stop him. I once spent 18+ months without speaking to him and then I was very stern and still have been with everything but his nature is to be a controlling manipulative asshole. So I try to not let it bother me as much as I can but sometimes its inevitable (like at this moment) since I have said NO since the first time he mentioned it and have stuck to my answer.

Unfortunately he wont stop. I just hope he doesn't show up with these people because I know him, he has done stuff like this before and he is capable of showing up with them.

NavyBlue143 · April 2015

Dad, if these people show up, there will not be seats, tables, food, or drinks for them. Additionally, they will be trespassing a private event, and we will have to have them escorted off the premises, by the police if necessary. And you will be escorted off with them.

My mom had a friend she insisted should be invited to my wedding, even though he ruins every event he attends with drunken rages. I said no. H said no. She wouldn't let it go, and even got my dad involved in asking to invite this guy. Finally I told her if he showed up we would call the police and both of them would be taken out of the building. I would kick my own mother out of my reception for trying to force the issue. I was prepared to follow through on my threat, and in my dress I carried two pieces of paper, one with my vows written on it, and another for the local police department. He never showed up, but I meant every word, and my mom knew that.

Likely nothing will make your dad accept no as an answer. But you don't have to allow those people to come. If they show, call security or the police. And have dad leave with his guests.

[Deleted User] · April 2015

.

novella1186 · April 2015

pinkrevenge said:
"Dad, the discussion is closed. The invitations are done, no exceptions will be made, and there will be security to check who is coming and going. Anyone who isn't on our list will be escorted off the premises. That's the last I want to hear about it."

And then if he keep going, you hang up / stop responding / leave.

Learning how to walk away is going to save you a lot of frustration. Remember that he can only get under your skin if you give him that power.

This. This is what I mean by boundaries. It's really fucking hard. I've been learning a lot in the past 8 months about how to do this but seriously, your dad can't keep harassing you about the guest list if you don't let him. Walk away and shut him down.

JaniV123 · April 2015

Thanks @novella1186 and @pinkrevenge

I will have to start hanging up in his face. I have no problem walking away when in person or getting so visibly angry when he doesn't respect me he himself will change the topic.

I hope he drops the subject once and for all.

If he tries to talk to me about this I will again say no and if he mentions anything I will hang up

[Deleted User] · April 2015

Your response now needs to be "asked and answered" next time he asks. Good luck.

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