Wedding Etiquette Forum

Uninviting- how to?

Does anyone have a polite way to un-invite a guest? I am afraid I may need to "suck it up".
I did an obligation invite to the mother of my best friend from college, as she was in a roommate situation with her 2 grown children both of whom I *did* want to invite. The mother has always been basically friendly but very quirky and occasionally grouchy for odd reasons.

In the last few years she has gotten worse (either bipolar or borderline personality- I forget which), and I was informed that upon my last visit, this woman would randomly grouch about me, though I was model guest as far as everyone else was concerned.

My friend is still coming and no longer lives with her mother due to the same grouchy, irritating behavior that I am apprehensive to have at my wedding. My friend's brother cannot attend and the mom originally said no, but is now trying to make my friend share a car and hotel room, even though it will be more expensive for her daughter. Is it wrong to tell this irritating and wishy-washy person that they said no first so I can no longer accommodate them, even if I could truthfully squeeze them in?
Please advise

Re: Uninviting- how to?

  • jcoons23 said:

    Does anyone have a polite way to un-invite a guest? I am afraid I may need to "suck it up".

    I did an obligation invite to the mother of my best friend from college, as she was in a roommate situation with her 2 grown children both of whom I *did* want to invite. The mother has always been basically friendly but very quirky and occasionally grouchy for odd reasons.

    In the last few years she has gotten worse (either bipolar or borderline personality- I forget which), and I was informed that upon my last visit, this woman would randomly grouch about me, though I was model guest as far as everyone else was concerned.

    My friend is still coming and no longer lives with her mother due to the same grouchy, irritating behavior that I am apprehensive to have at my wedding. My friend's brother cannot attend and the mom originally said no, but is now trying to make my friend share a car and hotel room, even though it will be more expensive for her daughter. Is it wrong to tell this irritating and wishy-washy person that they said no first so I can no longer accommodate them, even if I could truthfully squeeze them in?
    Please advise

    Yes, it is rude and wrong.  There is no polite way around this.  You invited her.  Now suck it up and be gracious when you see her at your wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • That's what I thought. My mother raised me on Ann Landers and it just seemed like something where it too late to say no without being bitchy. Thank you
  • I mean, you COULD.... but unless it's a few days before your wedding (i.e. final numbers already given to caterer, seating charts already made, escort cards already made, etc.) then it might be pretty obvious you CAN, but you don't WANT to. KWIM? 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • I disagree with CMG for the simple reason that she already sent back a reply card that said "no." Her attitude aside, I don't think you have to accommodate a change of mind once she's already told you no. Are you close enough to the actual wedding that you can say the numbers are final and you can't do anything about it?

    Yeah I think it depends how close you are to the actually wedding date. If you can say that final numbers are already in, then I think that's ok. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image
  • it's in 32 days, Saturday May 23. We asked for final replies by April 11 (invitations went out at the end of January), but the venue said they don't need a solid number until May 15.
  • jcoons23 said:

    it's in 32 days, Saturday May 23. We asked for final replies by April 11 (invitations went out at the end of January), but the venue said they don't need a solid number until May 15.

    Whoa, I mean I know what is done is done, but why the heck did you send out invites in January for an end of May wedding?  And why are you asking for RSVPs back a whole month in advance?

    For any lurkers out there, this is not how it is done when it comes to invites and RSVPs.
    Ditto Maggie. 

    OP, if you had followed proper timelines, this might not even be a problem at this point. Sorry Charlie - you're stuck.

    For lurkers, invites should go out 6-8 weeks in advance. RSVPs should be requested 2-3 weeks in advance.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • jcoons23 said:

    it's in 32 days, Saturday May 23. We asked for final replies by April 11 (invitations went out at the end of January), but the venue said they don't need a solid number until May 15.

    Whoa, I mean I know what is done is done, but why the heck did you send out invites in January for an end of May wedding?  And why are you asking for RSVPs back a whole month in advance?

    For any lurkers out there, this is not how it is done when it comes to invites and RSVPs.
    Ditto Maggie. 

    OP, if you had followed proper timelines, this might not even be a problem at this point. Sorry Charlie - you're stuck.

    For lurkers, invites should go out 6-8 weeks in advance. RSVPs should be requested 2-3 weeks in advance.


    I have heard this lots before, but I feel like these timelines keep getting stretched.

    Our caterer requires a head count 4 weeks prior to confirm rentals and staffing levels. Our hotel blocks get released back into the 'pool' and we lose the block discount a month in advance. Lots of people are flying in but were waiting to book tickets until they got the formal invite. So we sent our invites out 10 weeks in advance and our RSVP deadline was 6 weeks in advance. Is that so terrible?
    image
  • japlanet said:

    jcoons23 said:

    it's in 32 days, Saturday May 23. We asked for final replies by April 11 (invitations went out at the end of January), but the venue said they don't need a solid number until May 15.

    Whoa, I mean I know what is done is done, but why the heck did you send out invites in January for an end of May wedding?  And why are you asking for RSVPs back a whole month in advance?

    For any lurkers out there, this is not how it is done when it comes to invites and RSVPs.
    Ditto Maggie. 

    OP, if you had followed proper timelines, this might not even be a problem at this point. Sorry Charlie - you're stuck.

    For lurkers, invites should go out 6-8 weeks in advance. RSVPs should be requested 2-3 weeks in advance.
    I have heard this lots before, but I feel like these timelines keep getting stretched.

    Our caterer requires a head count 4 weeks prior to confirm rentals and staffing levels. Our hotel blocks get released back into the 'pool' and we lose the block discount a month in advance. Lots of people are flying in but were waiting to book tickets until they got the formal invite. So we sent our invites out 10 weeks in advance and our RSVP deadline was 6 weeks in advance. Is that so terrible?


    I think the 6 weeks prior RSVP is a bit much.  You don't need 2 weeks to call up people who haven't responded.  But 10 weeks is really the absolute earliest that you should send out invites. Even if you send them 8 weeks prior, that gives your guests 4 weeks to book in your room block and 3 weeks to get a RSVP back to you.  All of that is plenty of time for people to figure out their plans, especially if you had previously sent STDs to most of those guests.

  • tcnobletcnoble member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2015
    japlanet said:

    jcoons23 said:

    it's in 32 days, Saturday May 23. We asked for final replies by April 11 (invitations went out at the end of January), but the venue said they don't need a solid number until May 15.

    Whoa, I mean I know what is done is done, but why the heck did you send out invites in January for an end of May wedding?  And why are you asking for RSVPs back a whole month in advance?

    For any lurkers out there, this is not how it is done when it comes to invites and RSVPs.
    Ditto Maggie. 

    OP, if you had followed proper timelines, this might not even be a problem at this point. Sorry Charlie - you're stuck.

    For lurkers, invites should go out 6-8 weeks in advance. RSVPs should be requested 2-3 weeks in advance.
    I have heard this lots before, but I feel like these timelines keep getting stretched.

    Our caterer requires a head count 4 weeks prior to confirm rentals and staffing levels. Our hotel blocks get released back into the 'pool' and we lose the block discount a month in advance. Lots of people are flying in but were waiting to book tickets until they got the formal invite. So we sent our invites out 10 weeks in advance and our RSVP deadline was 6 weeks in advance. Is that so terrible?

    ----Where did the box go??-----



    Our venue also required final numbers a month in advance, and released hotel blocks at the same time. We asked for RSVPs back a week before that deadline. We sent our invites (on accident, bless DH) at 10 weeks but had planned to still send them at the 8 week mark.

    Your RSVP deadline was definitely a bit early... it really doesn't take as long as most people think to round up those last RSVPs. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • We made ours Apeil 11 because we knew a lot of people would forget or send it in 2-4 weeks late. Its our families natures. The reason we sent out the invites 4 months in advance was for airfare and hotels. 50% of our guests are coming from 2000+miles away and needed the time to tell work, and budget for plane tickets etc
  • jcoons23jcoons23 member
    First Comment
    edited April 2015
    Also Memorial Weekend, so we wanted to make sure no one made prior plans who wouldve come otherwise
  • jcoons23 said:

    We made ours Apeil 11 because we knew a lot of people would forget or send it in 2-4 weeks late. Its our families natures. The reason we sent out the invites 4 months in advance was for airfare and hotels. 50% of our guests are coming from 2000+miles away and needed the time to tell work, and budget for plane tickets etc

    That's what save the dates are for.
    image
    image

    image


  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2015

    jcoons23 said:

    We made ours Apeil 11 because we knew a lot of people would forget or send it in 2-4 weeks late. Its our families natures. The reason we sent out the invites 4 months in advance was for airfare and hotels. 50% of our guests are coming from 2000+miles away and needed the time to tell work, and budget for plane tickets etc

    That's what save the dates are for.
    This. Plus, asking people to RSVP six weeks in advance is absolutely ridiculous. 
    image
  • jcoons23 said:

    We made ours Apeil 11 because we knew a lot of people would forget or send it in 2-4 weeks late. Its our families natures. The reason we sent out the invites 4 months in advance was for airfare and hotels. 50% of our guests are coming from 2000+miles away and needed the time to tell work, and budget for plane tickets etc

    Then you should have sent STDs.

    And if people forget to send in their RSVPs then that is what the phone is for.  You don't ask for RSVPs super early just because some guests suck at responding on time.

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards