Premarital counseling - what should I expect?

redheadbride15 · April 2015

FI and I have our first "premarital counseling" session with our officiant this week and for some reason it's making me nervous. We have been together for 3 years, have a great relationship, have talked about everything you could possibly imagine and don't have anything to hide, but for some reason the idea of being put under the looking glass and asked difficult questions is nerve-wracking to me.

For those who did premarital counseling sessions, what topics were discussed and what questions were you asked?

FYI this is a non-denominational officiant and the ceremony will be non-religious. She's a friend of the family (she actually married my father & stepmother 20+ years ago!). You would think that would make me less nervous, but I think it's having the opposite effect as it would if she were a complete stranger.

labro · April 2015

Our very first session was really basic. We talked about the ceremony, our parents, the agenda for the next six sessions, really easy questions, and then we were sent home with "homework" to complete before our next meeting.

I really loved pre-marital counseling. My H and I were in a similar position, we had been dating for 3 years and living together for two years at that point and we had talked about everything and anything so there were never any actual surprises we encountered in pre-marital counseling. But I still loved it anyway. Our officiant gave us some really great tips and words of wisdom on maintaining a life-long healthy relationship, ways to communicate, we read a lot of book excepts, etc. It was also secular. I never felt like we were under a looking glass or that the questions were too difficult or awkward to answer. The sessions were 100% private between us and our officiant. I think you're just psyching yourself out right now.

It'll be fine!

twoleighs · April 2015

labro said:
Our very first session was really basic. We talked about the ceremony, our parents, the agenda for the next six sessions, really easy questions, and then we were sent home with "homework" to complete before our next meeting.

I really loved pre-marital counseling. My H and I were in a similar position, we had been dating for 3 years and living together for two years at that point and we had talked about everything and anything so there were never any actual surprises we encountered in pre-marital counseling. But I still loved it anyway. Our officiant gave us some really great tips and words of wisdom on maintaining a life-long healthy relationship, ways to communicate, we read a lot of book excepts, etc. It was also secular. I never felt like we were under a looking glass or that the questions were too difficult or awkward to answer. The sessions were 100% private between us and our officiant. I think you're just psyching yourself out right now. It'll be fine!

Agree ^. I freaked myself out at first too. First session was NBD. We got to know each other and got a chance to get comfortable with each other.

FI and I had also had already talked about the tough stuff. Money, divorce, kids, etc.

Premarital counseling was SO beneficial for both of us!! We both really got a lot out of it personally and in our relationship. Our officiant was really good about guiding conversations and giving us advice for when we talked through things.

Just remember, they aren't there to judge you, but to help you! Have fun!

anjemon · April 2015

I was really nervous too! Mostly because I was afraid that she would tell our officiant (who is my relative so she didn't do the counseling) we were a bad match. Which was really silly because I knew we were good together, but it was still my big fear. But she was really great.

We only did a four or so sessions, so our first session we talked about some bigger stuff. We did the PREPARE test beforehand, so we talked about our results and the areas that we had as "problems". And we talked about what we wanted to cover in our sessions. We talked about some of the religious stuff and our background in religion.

We both really ended up liking pre-marital counseling. We've been together 4+ years so we didn't discover anything groundbreaking. But it did shine some light on how we react and why we think certain ways. And it was good to go through Conflict Resolution and some of the big communication areas. We already knew those were areas where we had different ideas (totally different fighting styles), so it was helpful to get more pointers. We like to use the Conflict Resolution steps because it has helped us figure out what each other is trying to communicate.

Good luck! I liked to totally stress myself out about this stuff, but it was really helpful.

madamerwin · April 2015

We didn't do pre-marital counseling per se, but we did start going to relationship counseling in October (it was supposed to be weekly, but it averaged out to about 3x/month). We did it because we wanted to work on our communication; every fight we have ever had has been about how one of us said something, not anything of actual substance. We are on the same page with pretty much everything in life, except how we communicate. It was SO helpful to have an unbiased professional to help us work through some of our issues.

We have our "wrap-up session" (just our last session, going over everything) later this week. I am kind of sad that it's over, but we know that we can always go back if new issues arise!

I will say, it was incredibly nerve-wracking going the first time. But once we got there, the hour flew by and it was very productive. We learned so much in our sessions, and I really think EVERYONE should go to counseling of some sort before getting married, whether it be relationship counseling or pre-marital counseling.

Good luck! Once you get to counseling, you'll see it's not the scary thing you worked it up to be in your imagination.

minttobemrsb · April 2015

We had our first counseling on Friday. We already know our officiant. Much like you, he married FI's parents 30 years ago. That made it a lot easier.

He mainly just talked about the importance of communication. He brought up topics like jobs, moving, finances, decision making, and the "give and take" of relationships. He also gave us some advice from his personal marriage.

The thing about counseling is that your officiant isn't trying to see if you are right for each other or anything. He/she is trying to make sure that important topics have been brought up and that you will know ways to handle them. Completely judgement and bias free advice is the best because you know it comes from an honest place. I'm sure your session will be great! Don't stress.

redheadbride15 · April 2015

Thanks ladies! You've all made me feel a bit less nervous. FI and I have spent a lot of time talking about potential marital problems, both the standard ones and ones that may be more unique to us because of our own personalities and backgrounds. It feels awkward getting a third party involved in issues that feel very deeply personal, but you're all correct - it can only help! It's the reason why we both agreed that we wanted to do the sessions in the first place. I think I just need to stop psyching myself out. My heart is already open - it just takes a little more effort to open my mind.

TNDancer · April 2015

So our minister requires councilling, but our ceremony won't be overly religious. We can do it directly with thte minister or any other counselor. My fiance says he doesn't want the minister because the sessions will be too religious and judgy. I think he is overestimating this. Has anyone been in a similar scenario?

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

We did ours through an actual counselor (PhD) who specialized in premarital counseling. So ours was different from what I've heard about church premarital sessions and even non-denominational sessions.

Our counselor mainly focused on methods and tools for effective communication and difficult conversations. It was just her and the two of us, so we were able to talk about our specific concerns in addition to "typical" concerns like "how do we handle money" "will we have kids" "how do we balance our families" and other topics that friends of ours discussed in their sessions.

aliwis000 · April 2015

We are doing premarital counseling as well. I am Catholic and always assumed I would have to do it no matter what to get married in the church. So when circumstances changed and we picked something other than a Catholic wedding counseling was no longer "taken care of". So I looked for a counseling center in our city and found one with a 6 session program and we have our second meeting this Thursday.

As others have said the first meeting was not a big deal at all. In fact it was kinda fun. She used it as a "getting to know you" session and asked lots of questions about how we met, how life has been up to this point, what initially attracted us to each other. Honestly, it brought back some great memories of the early months when things were all shiny and new. (Please do not take that as things are bad now! Not at all! Growing and going through life with my partner is amazing. But there is always that first 6 months or so that are a special time I look back on. Sometimes I think I forget how exciting those initial sparks are. )

As others have said she then gave us homework to do before the next session. This one will be on communication so I am intersted to see how it goes.

Good luck and remember, these are professionals who have the goal to help you learn tools to make your relationship better and stronger, not try and nit-pick it apart.

marie2785 · April 2015

Ours was a 6 week long (once weekly for 2 hrs) Catholic thing. It was really no big deal. Session 1 was why we wanted to get married and what we hoped to get out of marriage, session 2 was meyers briggs (FI and I are identical types...), session 3 was spirituality in marriage and Catholic teaching about the institution, session 4 was communications, session 5 was family (and not like making a family, moreso dealing with existing family drama), and 6 was finances. Our catholic church actually stayed away from birth control, sex and having kids as major focus points, which is VERY unusual for a Catholic church. Many require hours-long sessions on the NFP method.

To be honest, FI and I thought alot of it was a waste of time. We communicate well, have already discussed finances, and know how to handle each other's drama, and are on the same page about family planning (our meyers briggs types being identical may have something to do with this. We rocked out on the communications exercises since we communicate in very similar ways). I think for couples who haven't naturally had in depth discussions about these things though, it'd be really beneficial.

Sugargirl1019 · April 2015

I really recommend Prepare/Enrich for premarital counseling. We did ours with our non denominational minister and it was awesome! We never once talked about sex. It was not asked if we were "sexually active" which I think most people are afraid of getting asked that?

That being said, after our counseling, we were struggling to find a minister because our non denominational minister had something come up and couldn't do it. He recommended someone. This someone was from a particular denomination. He was nice but said he had requirements to do counseling with us if he was to marry us. The questions were uncomfortable and also focused a lot more on where are you in your relationship with God, how did you get to this place, how are you trying to fix your relationship with Him . He asked if we were sexually active and gave us bible verses about it and then said we must live in separate homes from that time up until the wedding and of course abstain, otherwise he wouldn't marry us. We were both living with my parents and I just went f this dude and sent a polite we are not interested in you marrying us anymore email.

So it definitely depends on what kind of counseling program. If they don't have an organized program, any question could be asked. But therefore I really recommend Prepare/Enrich because we learned so much about each other! It compared us with how important different aspects of the marriage are to each of us (finances, chores, working, kids) and showed us how we are likely to react in different circumstances and we talked through how we can make those reactions build up our marriage instead of tear it down. When we fight, we were taught to fight for our marriage and not against it! Loved every minute of our counseling with that program.

Premarital counseling - what should I expect?

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