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Help! Husband's travel stress issues are going to ruin our daughter's wedding!

My husband has had problems for years with anxiety--takes meds for it but still has problems.  Our daughter is engaged to a wonderful British man and the wedding is two months from now in England.We live in the U.S.   My husband was not thrilled that they chose to be married in the U.K.  He thinks they should have been married here or in some tropical destination.  He has been moaning and complaining ever since they announced their plans.  He is known in our family for getting stressed out and having anger issues that have spoiled more than one family holiday or vacation.  He refuses to understand that our daughter and her fiance have the right to choose the location for their own wedding,  He knows she loves him and wants him there to give her away, just as she wants me there as mother of the bride.  He is insisting that it's going to be a miserable trip and blaming half of it on me because I have mobility issues and I "won't be able to walk around anywhere or do anything fun."  We've made arrangements for a wheelchair for me in the airports and extra legroom seats on the plane so we can be more comfortable, and my daughter and future son in law would be more than willing to rent me a wheelchair for getting around in England if need be.  Or I'd be fine with hanging around with the mother and aunt of the groom while the more mobile members of the family go do things with him.  But it doesn't matter. He just keeps saying he doesn't want to go.  If he doesn't, my daughter will be crushed.  If he does go, he'll probably make a scene every time I turn around because he will be tired from the trip, and stressed about having to meet new people.  Either way, I'm so afraid he will ruin everything,  We have already paid in advance for everything but I'm to the point I wish I could invite someone else in his place.  Anyone have any ideas how to solve this problem?  I sure don't! 

Re: Help! Husband's travel stress issues are going to ruin our daughter's wedding!

  • You need to have a Come to Jesus talk with him and put him on notice. Remind him how important this event is in your daughter's life, and tell him that if he ruins it, the repercussions could be devastating. 
    I'd also suggest trying to get him in for at least one therapy session before you leave for the wedding. 
  • Hm, how to change this? Tell him to sit it out? If he's always been like this and he's upset about this event in particular, he's not going to change no matter what you do. 

    Honestly, he sounds like Eeyore meets asshole. Super unpleasant. 

    Maybe post this quote in your house? That's all I got.. 

    "The longer I love, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.” - Charles Swindoll
    *********************************************************************************

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  • FiancBFiancB member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2015

    . I think your daughter needs to have some realistic expectations about her father's behaviour. 

    This is super important.  My dad warned me ahead of time he wasn't going to be walking me down the aisle because I'm a heathen. It sucked, but I'm glad I knew ahead of time. Likewise, my sister reminded me that he refused to dance with her at her wedding. So I gave him a chance and asked if he wanted to, but wasn't surprised that he said no. If I had been, I would've been much more upset. 

    Copy/pasting my response from duplicate thread since apparently this is The Chosen One:

    He sounds like my dad. He always seems to manage to throw some sort of fit close to a trip. I wanted to strangle him around my wedding- I'm sure freaking out about his youngest daughter getting married probably didn't help matters.

    What difference does it make whether he goes to England or goes somewhere tropical? That's silly, it's travel either way. As for doing anything fun- well, can't really do that staying home either. But he sounds like the kind of person that can't really be reasoned with.

    He'll probably get over it? With my dad, who was refusing to talk to mom and dragging his feet getting ready to go to the rehearsal dinner that I was already running late for, I just stopped putting up with his crap. I kept saying "not my circus, not my monkeys". If I had to leave without him, I would. Same thing applied to other crap he pulled. Fortunately though, he's not one to make a scene in front of a bunch of people, so at least I didn't really need to worry about that.

    Sorry, your husband sounds like a dick.
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  • mom? 

    Just kidding. But really, my mom could have written every word of that. My dad is a miserable asshole to travel with and LOVES to try to make everyone else miserable. She calls him out when he acts like that. If calling him out doesn't put him in his place, she ditches him. After over 20 years of letting his attitude ruin her vacations, she finally realized she doesn't have to put up with it. 

    So if he's being shitty and won't quit, she says, "Fine. I'm going to go do x. You can sit in the hotel and sulk because I'm not going to let you ruin my fun." And then she leaves him there. He either adjusts his attitude or spends a lot of time alone. Either way, my mom has a great time. 

    Don't pander to his childishness. It will just encourage him. 
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  • If travelling to England will make him so damn miserable then he doesn't have to go.  His attitude should not be a surprise to either you or your daughter.  So why let it affect you so much?  Tell him to either shut the hell up and come or stay home and be miserable.  He sounds like someone who would never be happy even if he was the one that got to pick where he was going and what he was going to do.  So stop walking on eggshells around him.  If he wants to be a miserable ass, fine, but you shouldn't let it ruin your time.

  • I'm sorry, he's blaming the fact that he won't have fun on your mobility issues? Really? Sounds like a real charmer.

    As PPs have said, stop walking on eggshells around him. Tell him that if he doesn't attend your daughter's wedding, there will be lifelong repercussions. Then stop talking to him about it. Shut down his complaints by leaving the room, changing the subject, whatever you need to do. Hopefully he will get the point. 

    Also, love the following:

    Honestly, he sounds like Eeyore meets asshole. Super unpleasant. 


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  • Why are you married to this guy, again? He sounds like a real dick.
  • People don't magically change because there's a wedding involved. The first thing you need to do is get over your shock that he would act this way when his daughter is getting married, because it doesn't sound to me like you have anything to be surprised about.

    The second thing you need to do is realize that his problems affect only him unless you let them. Tell him he's being ridiculous, that you're looking forward to going to England and celebrating with your daughter and future son-in-law, and you would like him to join you, but if he decides he can't go, leave that to him and don't let it ruin your good time. If he goes and is a miserable jerk, don't engage. He feeds off people's reaction. It sounds like he enjoys being the center of attention, even if he has to be miserable to get it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2015

    He doesn't have travel stress issues.

    He has miserable controlling bastard issues, and like many miserable controlling bastards, likes making everyone around him equally miserable. That's why he ruins holidays with his anger issues.

    He's complaining that you being in a wheelchair will ruin his fun? Well, isn't that sad for him. Too bad. That's genuinely awful, and one of the nastiest, meanest things I've ever heard. He should be supportive and helpful. 

    Frankly, with people like this you're in a no-win situation. Nothing you can say or do will make him happy, because he doesn't want to be happy. He doesn't care if you're happy, or if your daughter is happy. 
    Go to your daughter's wedding. If he chooses to stay home and be miserable, that's his choice. You'll have a much better time without him "making scenes." There's absolutely nothing in the world you can do to change his attitude, but you can change how you choose to respond to it.  

    Sure, he'll be an asshole if you go without him. He'll be an asshole if he goes. If you could change this, you already would have. You can't change him. You can change how you react. 

    If he doesn't go, your daughter may not be as "crushed" as you imagine. Do you honestly think she's looking forward to his scenes and misery?

    This man sounds emotionally abusive. He's taking what should be a wonderful, happy event, and twisting it into a source of misery to rob you of happiness. Please find a therapist to help you find skills and strategies to deal with this. The first step is not accepting any responsibility for his behavior, and not accommodating it. 

    (I wish I could hug you.  Life is too damned short to be unhappy.  Do not accept unnecessary unhappiness, or allow anyone to thrust it on you.)
    The bolded is so true, and definitely something to consider. 

    My asshole dad booked a golf tournament for my wedding day. My mom let me know that he would definitely not be around, but would make it in time for the ceremony. I could not be happier. I would like to minimize the time I have to spend with him. FI and his parents think it was incredibly selfish of my dad to book that tournament, but I think it's the best wedding gift ever. 
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  •   My husband was not thrilled that they chose to be married in the U.K.  He thinks they should have been married here or in some tropical destination.  

    He sounds like he is trying to control the situation. The part quoted above proves it. He doesn't want the ceremony in the UK, but a tropical destination is alright? That requires travel too.
  • People don't magically change because there's a wedding involved. The first thing you need to do is get over your shock that he would act this way when his daughter is getting married, because it doesn't sound to me like you have anything to be surprised about.


    The second thing you need to do is realize that his problems affect only him unless you let them. Tell him he's being ridiculous, that you're looking forward to going to England and celebrating with your daughter and future son-in-law, and you would like him to join you, but if he decides he can't go, leave that to him and don't let it ruin your good time. If he goes and is a miserable jerk, don't engage. He feeds off people's reaction. It sounds like he enjoys being the center of attention, even if he has to be miserable to get it.
    If anything, they get magically worse. 

    And when I read the post before, I read it about HIM being upset about HIS wheelchair, not yours. That makes it even worse. 

    It's absolutely a control thing. Do not let it get to you. If he wants to be a miserable dink, he can be one by himself. Misery loves company. 

    If this is typical behavior, there may well be a part of your daughter that hopes that he doesn't show. Hell, that could have even influenced her decision to get married in England. I know it played in my decision to move my wedding from OR to MN. As long as she has a heads up, she will likely be fine. 
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  • My husband has travel anxiety.  He is an ass when he is in an airport.  Last year his doctor prescribed him some Xanex for when he flies.

    Your husband cannot ruin your daughter's wedding.  It will go on, with or without him.

    I took my 81-year-old mother to London some years ago.  London is not handicapped friendly, but you can still have a fabulous time.  Plan to spend money in taxis, not public transportation.  In places like The British Museum, they do have wheel chairs for you to use.  Mom managed the Tower of London grounds tour  (her favorite!), but not Heathrow!  Westminster Abbey is doable.  There is an open top bus tour for tourists that takes you all over London, and a Thames boat ride associated with it.  Mom loved the boat ride.

    Mom talked about that trip the day she went under morphine in the hospice.  It was one of the best memories of her life.

    Funny true story:  On the British Air flight, the attendant came an hour before landing and asked , "Madam, cam you manage steps?  You really can't, can you?"  "No, she can't!"  I volunteered.  "Oh, THANK YOU, Madam!  We will be certain to get a landing spot that doesn't require steps!"  Anyone who has ever walked across the tarmac at Heathrow knows why the attendant was so pleased.
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  • edited April 2015
    Anxiety Disorder is a real thing and it is rampant in my family.  Seeing a therapist helps alot, but having the proper meds actually helps more..  Not simply an anti-anxiety agent like ativan or zanax (really not all that helpful) but there are many anit-depressants that have helped many of us overcome this,what can certainly be,a debilitating syndrome.  I'm just not one to jump on the "well, he's an asshole" boat. 

  • Anxiety Disorder is a real thing and it is rampant in my family.  Seeing a therapist helps alot, but having the proper meds actually helps more..  Not simply an anti-anxiety agent like ativan or zanax (really not all that helpful) but there are many anit-depressants that have helped many of us overcome this,what can certainly be,a debilitating syndrome.  I'm just not one to jump on the "well, he's an asshole" boat. 




    I am of the opinion that a person with a diagnosed disorder, who is already on meds for it, but who has clearly not found the right treatment (because that's what it is, right? I'm totally sure it's possible to be totally chill about the notion of traveling somewhere tropical but not to England. SO sure. That sounds like a thing!) is required to figure out whatever they need to do in order to not make their own, and their loved ones' lives miserable.

    Knowing that your meds aren't doing the trick and doing nothing about it? IS being an asshole.

    Mental illness and assholery aren't mutually exclusive.

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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • Anxiety Disorder is a real thing and it is rampant in my family.  Seeing a therapist helps alot, but having the proper meds actually helps more..  Not simply an anti-anxiety agent like ativan or zanax (really not all that helpful) but there are many anit-depressants that have helped many of us overcome this,what can certainly be,a debilitating syndrome.  I'm just not one to jump on the "well, he's an asshole" boat. 


    It's really not an excuse to lash out of other people. 

    Like, I have ADHD. Sometimes it is the direct cause for me to do something really dumb. I still apologize/fix/kick myself for it. Mentally ill people can still be assholes, because they're people and people are assholes. 

    Like I said, this guy really reminds me of my dad, whom I'm sure has at least a couple mental health issues but would rather be a jerk to everyone, including himself, than do anything about it. 

    If this thread were from a SS fretting that her dad might have a panic attack at her wedding and ruin everrrything, that would be a whole different story. 
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  • Anxiety Disorder is a real thing and it is rampant in my family.  Seeing a therapist helps alot, but having the proper meds actually helps more..  Not simply an anti-anxiety agent like ativan or zanax (really not all that helpful) but there are many anit-depressants that have helped many of us overcome this,what can certainly be,a debilitating syndrome.  I'm just not one to jump on the "well, he's an asshole" boat. 


    I have some pretty severe anxiety disorders, myself.  A few of them are pretty weird. 
    I work very hard at making sure that the people I love aren't hurt or distressed by them.  I take responsibility for my own behavior. If a prescription doesn't help, I'm responsible for figuring out what will, and how to handle my stress. 

    It doesn't give me the right to "ruin family holidays and vacation" with anger issues and scenes. 
    It doesn't give me the right to heap negativity onto my family. 
    It doesn't give me the right to complain about other people's disabilities, or blame them for my stress.

    That's just blatant unkindness and crappy behavior. Being afraid to travel is an anxiety issue. Bitching, blaming, and making unpleasant scenes are asshole issues, that can be be avoided by learning constructive coping techniques, and caring about how other people are affected. 
  • I have an anxiety disorder that I am prescribed medication for. There are certain situations that I know will cause me a great deal of anxiety. My husband and I discuss those situations beforehand (if feasible). My anxiety is not an excuse to lash out and treat my loved ones poorly.

    I also find it interesting that OP's husband seemed ok with a tropical destination.
  • I have pretty severe anxiety that I've just started treating in the last year. Sometimes I lash out at my loved ones as a result, but realize that it is unacceptable, and thus and doing my damndest to stop.
    I also call asshole.
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