the unknown uncle

minttobemrsb · April 2015

Questions like these seem so easy to answer until it's you. Warning- it's lengthy. Sorry in advance.

Background: about 10 or so years ago, the family found out that my grandpa had another child. In his younger days, he was quite the ladies man (things you don't want to know about your grandpa). Apparently, at one point he and a woman he was seeing found out she was pregnant. He asked her to move in with him. She said she wanted to break up and raise the child on her own. No child support. No contact with him. No ties. Kid grows up and wants to meet his dad so his mother finally gives him the info he needs and BAM! Shocked the entire family. The only person that knew was my grandma.

Fast forward: My family is open to anything and greeted this stranger with open arms. He started coming to as many family functions as he could and they are all in close contact. He visits family regularly. I have never met him! Until yesterday, I had no idea what he even looked like (turns out he and my dad look a lot alike)

My grandma asked if he was attending the wedding because she was making their hotel reservations. He said he never got an invite. She told him that they hadn't gone out yet (at the time, they hadn't) and that she's just sure he's getting one. Never asked me until this week, I had not invited him because I have never met him and he wasn't on the list of people my dad gave me to invite, After my grandma calls a ring of people upset, my dad finally just calls his brother to see what's going on.

Apparently it's been awhile since my grandma "invited" him and he has already started looking at travel arrangements. He told my dad "I know I haven't met your daughters, but I would love to finally have a chance to. I understand she is not obligated to, but if she does, I'll try my best to attend"

I'm sensitive. It got me right in the feels. Do I go ahead and send him an invite? He knows that it would be an afterthought, but he is oddly okay with it.

LondonLisa · April 2015

minttobemrsb said:
Questions like these seem so easy to answer until it's you. Warning- it's lengthy. Sorry in advance.

Background: about 10 or so years ago, the family found out that my grandpa had another child. In his younger days, he was quite the ladies man (things you don't want to know about your grandpa). Apparently, at one point he and a woman he was seeing found out she was pregnant. He asked her to move in with him. She said she wanted to break up and raise the child on her own. No child support. No contact with him. No ties. Kid grows up and wants to meet his dad so his mother finally gives him the info he needs and BAM! Shocked the entire family. The only person that knew was my grandma.

Fast forward: My family is open to anything and greeted this stranger with open arms. He started coming to as many family functions as he could and they are all in close contact. He visits family regularly. I have never met him! Until yesterday, I had no idea what he even looked like (turns out he and my dad look a lot alike)

My grandma asked if he was attending the wedding because she was making their hotel reservations. He said he never got an invite. She told him that they hadn't gone out yet (at the time, they hadn't) and that she's just sure he's getting one. Never asked me until this week, I had not invited him because I have never met him and he wasn't on the list of people my dad gave me to invite, After my grandma calls a ring of people upset, my dad finally just calls his brother to see what's going on.

Apparently it's been awhile since my grandma "invited" him and he has already started looking at travel arrangements. He told my dad "I know I haven't met your daughters, but I would love to finally have a chance to. I understand she is not obligated to, but if she does, I'll try my best to attend"

I'm sensitive. It got me right in the feels. Do I go ahead and send him an invite? He knows that it would be an afterthought, but he is oddly okay with it.

All things being equal, do you want him there? Do you have the budget and space for him? A wedding is not the place to meet the bride for the first time, however, it would be gracious to let him come. However, you are under no obligation, and you are perfectly fine having your dad (or you) say there was a misunderstanding and unfortunately you could not invite everyone you had hoped, and you would love to meet him next time he is in town (if this is true).

Jen4948 · April 2015

If you are okay with his coming and don't want to die on this hill, then yes, you can invite him.

Otherwise, you can not invite him.

I think that the bigger issue here is that your grandma made an assumption that she has a say in the guest list. You need to shut her down: "Grandma, it isn't possible for us to invite everyone we'd like. That's why Uncle wasn't on the original guest list. We're not open to hearing any more complaints about it. Please consider the subject closed."

larrygaga · April 2015

I would include him if I could! Grandma needs to take like 8 steps back though.

minttobemrsb · April 2015

LondonLisa said:
ETA: idk where my quotes went. @Jen4948 @LondonLisa

I would like to meet him, but I said this exact same thing! I don't want to meet people on my wedding day. We pretty much invited to capacity, but have already received some declines from people we had guessed would come and some that are attending alone instead of bringing their spouse. I could make room for him. I may do it for him not my grandma.

Dad already took care of this. When I called him upset, it was the first he had even heard of the situation. She even texted my mom about this. My parents are divorced and have been long before this guy showed up, so I'm not sure how she thought that would help. Mom just said "She decided on the guest list for her own reasons. That's not my place, or yours" which is why grandma came to me. I told her I would look, but make no promises and deferred her to dad.

minttobemrsb · April 2015

larrygaga said:
I would include him if I could! Grandma needs to take like 8 steps back though.

Thanks. I guess that's the best answer.

Ps- great sig. FI and I love archer. I get the Lana yell when he's trying to get my attention for something.

kvruns · April 2015

I would invite him if there is space. Your family seems to be enjoying getting to know him, and if that includes your dad enjoying that too then I would say include him. There are going to be a couple people at my wedding that I don't know and have never met (parents' friends) but that doesn't really phase me. It's not like I'm going to spend hours talking to these people I don't know, they are there for the event and to celebrate with my parents so I'm ok that I don't know them.

lyndausvi · April 2015

larrygaga said:
I would include him if I could! Grandma needs to take like 8 steps back though.

this

I had a couple of random people at my wedding. Some I've never seen again. I was such on a high I didn't care.

flantastic · April 2015

minttobemrsb said:
LondonLisa said:

ETA: idk where my quotes went. @Jen4948 @LondonLisa

I would like to meet him, but I said this exact same thing! I don't want to meet people on my wedding day. We pretty much invited to capacity, but have already received some declines from people we had guessed would come and some that are attending alone instead of bringing their spouse. I could make room for him. I may do it for him not my grandma.

Dad already took care of this. When I called him upset, it was the first he had even heard of the situation. She even texted my mom about this. My parents are divorced and have been long before this guy showed up, so I'm not sure how she thought that would help. Mom just said "She decided on the guest list for her own reasons. That's not my place, or yours" which is why grandma came to me. I told her I would look, but make no promises and deferred her to dad.

As an introvert, I understand this, but are you concerned that he's going to want to monopolize your time in getting to know you? That's the only reason I could see worrying about this, and hopefully he understands that's not possible. You could always say as much - "It was lovely chatting, got to so say hi to ____!"

If you have space and budget, I'd include him just as a nice gesture to him (independent from Grandma's overstepping). There are always a few SOs and others you won't personally know at your wedding, and it's not a big deal to say hi to them, move on, and let them enjoy the party with the people they know.

minttobemrsb · April 2015

flantastic said:
LondonLisa said:

ETA: idk where my quotes went. @Jen4948 @LondonLisa

I would like to meet him, but I said this exact same thing! I don't want to meet people on my wedding day. We pretty much invited to capacity, but have already received some declines from people we had guessed would come and some that are attending alone instead of bringing their spouse. I could make room for him. I may do it for him not my grandma.

Dad already took care of this. When I called him upset, it was the first he had even heard of the situation. She even texted my mom about this. My parents are divorced and have been long before this guy showed up, so I'm not sure how she thought that would help. Mom just said "She decided on the guest list for her own reasons. That's not my place, or yours" which is why grandma came to me. I told her I would look, but make no promises and deferred her to dad.

As an introvert, I understand this, but are you concerned that he's going to want to monopolize your time in getting to know you? That's the only reason I could see worrying about this, and hopefully he understands that's not possible. You could always say as much - "It was lovely chatting, got to so say hi to ____!"

If you have space and budget, I'd include him just as a nice gesture to him (independent from Grandma's overstepping). There are always a few SOs and others you won't personally know at your wedding, and it's not a big deal to say hi to them, move on, and let them enjoy the party with the people they know.

___________________________________________________________________

Oh no, I didn't mean it like that! Sorry. I meant it more as in, we invited those that are close to us. We made a lot of tough decisions on who to cut and who to invite because there are many other friends that we would have loved to invite. I guess I just think it's weird to invite someone that I do not know at all.

Also, there are no guests, SO, or spouses being invited that one or both of us do not know personally, but I'm mainly chalking that up to living in a small area.

Thanks for the input. As per everyone's advice, I'm going to send him an invite. I need to find his address...and last name.

lovegood90 · April 2015

minttobemrsb said:

flantastic said:
LondonLisa said:

ETA: idk where my quotes went. @Jen4948 @LondonLisa

I would like to meet him, but I said this exact same thing! I don't want to meet people on my wedding day. We pretty much invited to capacity, but have already received some declines from people we had guessed would come and some that are attending alone instead of bringing their spouse. I could make room for him. I may do it for him not my grandma.

Dad already took care of this. When I called him upset, it was the first he had even heard of the situation. She even texted my mom about this. My parents are divorced and have been long before this guy showed up, so I'm not sure how she thought that would help. Mom just said "She decided on the guest list for her own reasons. That's not my place, or yours" which is why grandma came to me. I told her I would look, but make no promises and deferred her to dad.

As an introvert, I understand this, but are you concerned that he's going to want to monopolize your time in getting to know you? That's the only reason I could see worrying about this, and hopefully he understands that's not possible. You could always say as much - "It was lovely chatting, got to so say hi to ____!"

If you have space and budget, I'd include him just as a nice gesture to him (independent from Grandma's overstepping). There are always a few SOs and others you won't personally know at your wedding, and it's not a big deal to say hi to them, move on, and let them enjoy the party with the people they know.

___________________________________________________________________

Oh no, I didn't mean it like that! Sorry. I meant it more as in, we invited those that are close to us. We made a lot of tough decisions on who to cut and who to invite because there are many other friends that we would have loved to invite. I guess I just think it's weird to invite someone that I do not know at all.

Also, there are no guests, SO, or spouses being invited that one or both of us do not know personally, but I'm mainly chalking that up to living in a small area.

Thanks for the input. As per everyone's advice, I'm going to send him an invite. I need to find his address...and last name.

Ruh roh. Sorry OP but you made a major mistake with the bolded. ALL significant others (spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, engaged, living together, whatever) need to be invited regardless if you know them or like them. This is like, How to Treat People 101.

If I were you I would tell grandma sorry but we couldn't invite everyone we wanted and leave this uncle out. Then I'd immediately contact your guests who's SO's you left out, apologize for the oversight, and let them know their SOs are invited.

ETA: unless you mean that you invited all SOs but it just so happens that you know all of them anyway. If that's the case ignore my reading comprehension fail.

thespeshulestsnowflake · April 2015