Dad update, that ended well...

JaniV123 · April 2015

So after a very fucked up conversation with my dad it seems his friends are more important than his daughter.

He said if I didn't concede him the invites he was asking for (which he deserves for being a "good dad" and "sucking up all the BS my mom and her family have put him through") he wouldn't go to out wedding because he deserves to have a good time.

This is the TL;DR version bc it was a long conversation filled with BS and it made me super angry.

If you want more details let me know/ask questions!

huskypuppy14 · April 2015

I hope you said "Well, I guess you're not coming."

themosthappy91 · April 2015

I don't think I've commented on your previous threads but I've been following your story and let me just say your dad sounds like an ass and I hope you call him on his threat to not come.

Unless he is completely covering the expense that inviting this extra people would involve (in which case, though you're still entitled to not wanting a bunch of people you aren't close to there, I would just suck it up and invite them), he has no right to be demanding this. But you know that. It just sucks he's being so inconsiderate.

sophhabobopha · April 2015

Send him this:

loveislouder · April 2015

Well he's being a giant fuck. I'm on honeymoon and I'll post about my wedding later, but I just wanted to tell you I've been following this story and he's being a giant fuck.

kmmssg · April 2015

I hope your parting words to him were "sorry you feel that way. We will have a good time without you. "

lurkergirl · April 2015

loveislouder said:
Well he's being a giant fuck. I'm on honeymoon and I'll post about my wedding later, but I just wanted to tell you I've been following this story and he's being a giant fuck.

Dafuq you doin' on TK, lady? Go get you some

banana468 · April 2015

Man what an ass. Given the stories you said about him I have to wonder if you said said that he wouldn't be missed and he's wrong about the kind of dad he thinks he is.

larrygaga · April 2015

Call his bluff

Heffalump · April 2015

So he "deserves to have a good time" and the only way he can do that at his daughter's effing wedding is to invite a bunch of randos? Nice.

I hope he and said randos have a lovely time that evening, wherever they are [read: not at your wedding].

novella1186 · April 2015

I agree with PP. Call his bluff. He's being a tantrumy toddler and it's gross. And the tantrums won't end, so treat him like you would any toddler; walk away and let him tire himself out.

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

So..... What are you going to to?

arrippa · April 2015

What did you say? I hope you told him that you will miss him at your wedding. What is it about weddings that bring out the crazy in parents?

blabla89 · April 2015

This would have been my reaction:

Seriously though, it stinks that he's pulling these shenanigans and I hope you called his bluff.

JaniV123 · April 2015

I totally passed out from exhaustion after posting.

My response was: "Well your attendance is completely your choice and if you choose not to go then so be it but my response won't change"

He then went on to rant and vent about how hard he has had it and how awful my mom's family has been to him and how he deserves to have a good time, and that I owe it to him to feel comfortable at my wedding, and he didn't want to ruin my day.

After all was said and done, I repeated, "no matter what you say my answer is no because we are not changing the guest list and it is way more complicated than just a plate of food. It would be a whole table and maybe more and my decision is no."

After yet another monologue from him he said "no matter what you say X and Y are coming with me, i dont care"

To which I replied "that will not be possible and they are not invited, my mind will not change"

he then dropped it and said "we'll talk later"

SIGH I am seriously so mad at him!

lovegood90 · April 2015

JaniV123 said:
I totally passed out from exhaustion after posting.

My response was: "Well your attendance is completely your choice and if you choose not to go then so be it but my response won't change"

He then went on to rant and vent about how hard he has had it and how awful my mom's family has been to him and how he deserves to have a good time, and that I owe it to him to feel comfortable at my wedding, and he didn't want to ruin my day.

After all was said and done, I repeated, "no matter what you say my answer is no because we are not changing the guest list and it is way more complicated than just a plate of food. It would be a whole table and maybe more and my decision is no."

After yet another monologue from him he said "no matter what you say X and Y are coming with me, i dont care"

To which I replied "that will not be possible and they are not invited, my mind will not change"

he then dropped it and said "we'll talk later"

SIGH I am seriously so mad at him!

Good for you for standing your ground. Will you be having security at your venue? That sounds wise!

flutteringinfl · April 2015

When he has worked hard to plan and host a party for himself, then he "deserves" to invite who he wants.

Call his bluff. The next time he brings it up, tell him he can come by himself or not at all. Then don't engage with him further. He wants to "talk later" because he's going to try to bully you into giving in. So don't talk to him. You owe him nothing. If you really want to say something, remind him that if he brings his friends there will be no room for them, and that will reflect poorly on him.

blabla89 · April 2015

JaniV123 said:
I totally passed out from exhaustion after posting.

My response was: "Well your attendance is completely your choice and if you choose not to go then so be it but my response won't change"

He then went on to rant and vent about how hard he has had it and how awful my mom's family has been to him and how he deserves to have a good time, and that I owe it to him to feel comfortable at my wedding, and he didn't want to ruin my day.

After all was said and done, I repeated, "no matter what you say my answer is no because we are not changing the guest list and it is way more complicated than just a plate of food. It would be a whole table and maybe more and my decision is no."

After yet another monologue from him he said "no matter what you say X and Y are coming with me, i dont care"

To which I replied "that will not be possible and they are not invited, my mind will not change"

he then dropped it and said "we'll talk later"

SIGH I am seriously so mad at him!

What a dickwad. Good on you for standing your ground.

banana468 · April 2015

Good for you!

I think it's time to go for the matre'd at the door approach. If the name isn't on the list then sorry Charlie - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

novella1186 · April 2015

JaniV123 said:
I totally passed out from exhaustion after posting.

My response was: "Well your attendance is completely your choice and if you choose not to go then so be it but my response won't change"
This is where you should have hung up the phone

He then went on to rant and vent about how hard he has had it and how awful my mom's family has been to him and how he deserves to have a good time, and that I owe it to him to feel comfortable at my wedding, and he didn't want to ruin my day.

After all was said and done, I repeated, "no matter what you say my answer is no because we are not changing the guest list and it is way more complicated than just a plate of food. It would be a whole table and maybe more and my decision is no."

After yet another monologue from him he said "no matter what you say X and Y are coming with me, i dont care"

To which I replied "that will not be possible and they are not invited, my mind will not change"

he then dropped it and said "we'll talk later"

SIGH I am seriously so mad at him!

i get how hard it is to learn how to not engage-- I've been going through it for months and I still make mistakes.

However, after you said what you needed to say, you should have ended the conversation. Instead, you let him argue and nag and go on and on and on and on and on, which left you exhausted, angry, and frustrated.

You do not have to continue such a conversation. You do not have to stick around and listen to him. You do not owe him an argument. There is no benefit to staying on the phone. There is no reason to let him sit there and whine and argue in circles forever. Say no, then hang up. Done.

Trust me, it took me forever to figure this out (28 years) but it's the only way to shut him down and save yourself all the stress.

littlepep · April 2015

Good grief! You dad is a piece of work for sure. Good for you for standing your grand. Sounds like you definitely need to hire security though.

KatieinBkln · April 2015

Agree with PPs. Deny him the opportunity to "talk later."

Honestly, I feel a little bad for him. Most of us were trained not to throw tantrums by the age of 5 (max). He never learned, and now he's a huge embarrassment. That must be awkward for him.

I mean, I definitely feel worse for YOU! But it is a sad thing when a grown adult can't get it together and act as such.

kmmssg · April 2015

Please make it crystal clear to him that there will be no chairs or plates for any uninvited guests and I ditto Banana that you might want to have someone at the door with a list of names.

MairePoppy · April 2015

Your dad is an ass. Good job at standing your ground.

JaniV123 · April 2015

I will be handing the list to the people at the venue. And @novella1186 I know!!! Fi told me the same thing but he also told how proud of me he was because I did not disrespect him but I argued my point respectfully and calmly.

I will NOT be talking to him, fi told me he would talk to him instead of me if necessary.

pinkcow13 · April 2015

I'm glad you stood your ground, chica. Your dad sounds like such a drama king asshole. This wedding is not about him. It is so baffling how some "adults" act sometimes.

novella1186 · April 2015

JaniV123 said:
I will be handing the list to the people at the venue. And @novella1186 I know!!! Fi told me the same thing but he also told how proud of me he was because I did not disrespect him but I argued my point respectfully and calmly.

I will NOT be talking to him, fi told me he would talk to him instead of me if necessary.

I totally understand wanting to stay on the phone and stay engaged in the argument because you feel like you need to stand up for yourself.

This is how I always got trapped into arguments with my dad. He would say some insane thing, and I would feel like I needed to stick around and dispprove the thing he said, and argue my side of it, because he had no right to say such a thing and I can't just let him sit there and think he was correct. So I stayed, I engaged, and I argued in circles with him.

Perfect example, he said, "As the father of the bride, I should get to control the whole wedding and the entire guest list." (He literally actually said these words, and with such conviction that it was obvious he truly believed them and would make any power plays neccessary).

It was such an absurd, angering statement, that I said, "No, you shouldn't. You're not paying for this wedding. This wedding is for FI and I, it's not your wedding and it's not about you. You don't get to control a damn thing."

To which he responded with a bunch more bullshit and got nastier, to which I argued back, and it continued on till I was so pissed off and exhausted I couldn't even think straight and I had wasted a bunch of time. What was the point?

In the moment I thought I was speaking up for myself, standing my ground, and showing him reason, as well as not letting him think he had total control. In hindsight, I was wasting time, upsetting myself, and letting him drag me into a bullshit argument that couldn't be won. He was never going to change his mind or see my point of view. So why bother? Arguing didn't prove anything or change anything. I could have walked away and gotten the same results (that he had no actual control) but it would have saved me all the stress.

APDSS22 · April 2015

I wouldn't put it past him to steal chairs and food from invited guests for his friends (who would have to be pretty dense to come in the first place without an invite). Security may be the only option if he refuses to act like a rational being.

lovegood90 · April 2015

Honestly, at this point I think you're best off uninviting him from the wedding, for real.

JaniV123 · April 2015

@lovegood90

at this point invitation already did go out on wednesday. His invitation has only his name and my grandmother's and the RSVP is for 2. He is so stubborn I assure you he will keep his word and not go just to make a point, and I honestly don't give a fuck anymore. I will have my mom and my uncle walk me down the aisle and have a happy day without him there. I will be sad for now and before but I won't let him ruin my day like he wants.

Dad update, that ended well...

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