How do I get off this train?

hellosweetie1015 · April 2015

Okay knotties - talk some damn sense into me.

TL;DR up front: I kind of feel like my whole wedding is now a runaway train. And FMIL has ALL the ideas. About ALL the things. And now she's asking me if she's stepping on my toes with it, which she kind of is... but I don't want to hurt her feelings by TELLING her she is. Help me be a nice person and not an accidental bridezilla but ALSO help me tell her that I've already addressed a lot of the things she has ideas about, and if I haven't, it's because I don't really want them anyway.

Super long ranty version: (Sorry it's even longer than I expected it to be....)

I know that when parents pay, they get a say. And, frankly, it didn't bother me - I'm happy to do what I can within our teeniny little budget to appease them. Our parents are for the most part level-headed, calm, nice people, and they're not asking too much as far as the guest list and such goes.

However.

We visited FI's parents this past weekend. We ate at the restaurant I'd been planning on using for the reception, and it was not fantastic. I'd eat there again for a date night or something, but if we're going to have fancier food, I'd like it to be at least "whelming". I don't need to be overwhelmed with adoration for my food, but... I don't want to be underwhelmed either. And while we're at dinner being slightly underwhelmed, and kind of discussing the fact that we're not really feeling the food for a wedding dinner, FMIL starts talking about having the reception at their church again. Which makes sense. My grandmother doesn't travel well, and getting her in and out of a car is a slight ordeal. The less she has to do that, the better, really. And since we're not really feeling this food for our wedding, and since the other places I'd like to have it are A. not handicap-accessible and B. also excessively expensive, the fellowship hall seems like the best we're gonna get.

And then she mentions the candy bar. Which is whatever. It's easy, not too expensive, we'd get candies people actually like and not care about "matching the colors". I mean, only crazysauces don't like candy. :P (HIIIIII ASHLEY!!!!!)

And then she mentions my bouquet. Which, again, is whatever. I don't like cut flowers (I think they're expensive and slightly morbid), and don't really care about finding a "replacement" for the concept, but she's excited for it, and pulled up alternatives while we were sitting there. And she asked if the gents were going to have boutonnieres, which... I mean, boutonnieres aren't that expensive. Corsages aren't either, I guess. So. If it's a thing she wants, it's whatever.

And then she mentions something about my garter being Auburn colors. Which... I have no desire for a garter. I don't see a point - I'm not wearing thigh highs, I'm probably not even wearing hose. So. What's the point of a garter, other than a creepy-ass tradition?

And then we leave, so wedding talk gets tabled. Hallelujah. I don't really want to talk wedding with anyone except FI and y'all anyway, and I even try not to talk too much wedding with FI or y'all. Nobody cares as much about it as I do, and even I don't care that much about it other than the "I do" bit.

And then, the next day, we pull up to their church for Sunday School, and his mom points out, "Hey Sweetie, that's So-and-so, she's a hairstylist." In my head, I'm like, "Cool beans for her?" but I didn't know what she was saying it for, so I didn't say anything. Until she says, "Maybe we can talk to her about hair for the wedding!" and it clicks. Which... I told her a couple months ago that my brother was doing my hair, and would be available to anyone else who'd like as well. I say it again, because she's probably just forgotten. And she looks all put-out for a minute.

And I'm getting really long and overblown. And probably sounding bat-shit crazy because these are little bitty eensy little details that have NOTHING to do with my marrying FI. But I don't really want a candy bar, or flowers, or a garter or anything. I just want a simple ceremony and a simple reception, where at the end of the day I get to go home as Mrs. FIsLastName, and know that the people we invited had as wonderful a time as a $3-4K budget can provide. But it's really wearing on me that I can't talk wedding with her because I KNOW she's excited, and wants to talk, but I also KNOW she's got all these preconceived notions about her only child's wedding and... I'm not going to deliver on a lot of them.

And now she's asking if she's stepping on toes. Which she issssssssss. I've already worked OUT all these things, and now she's reopening them and I feel like I have to have them now. But I don't want to tell her that. So I'm avoiding responding altogether until wise knotties make me a text message that doesn't make me sound like Queen Bitch Bridezilla.

Sorry, y'all. You can punch me. I went off the deep end with the rant.

Edited because of the Sunglasses Smiley.

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

You have a perfect opportunity then. If she says "Am I stepping on your toes?" you can say, "well we just have all these things decided at this point, so we are good to go in the flower/hair/favor/lingerie departments."

It sounds like you're trying to be too polite. As in, you're sacrificing your own comfort by caving to her. You can still be polite and tell her how it's going to be (see above).

People offer up all kinds of stuff when you're planning. I found that the vast majority of it was useless stuff I didn't care about or plan to do. But I smiled and said, "Cool. Interesting idea." And moved on. With people who pushed, it was "thanks but we have _____ covered." With people who pushed further, it was "we've already decided on ______ so we won't be changing it at this point."

OliveOilsMom · April 2015

"FMIL, I'm so happy that you are excited for the wedding! And I'm very grateful for your suggestions, but most of the items you are suggesting are things that FI and I have already decided on. We have a limited budget, so we have already decided to focus on items x, y, and z."

Then if you decide to keep it in a restaurant, ask FMIL for restaurant ideas. Or ask her for catering options to use at the church fellowship hall. IF you want her help, just focus her on the areas where you need the help.

If she won't stop, then have FI step in. "Mom, We love that you are excited for the wedding, but you are overwhelming hellosweetie and myself with ideas. Could you please try to hold back on the ideas?"

KatieinBkln · April 2015

Agree with PPs--you just have to say "Oh, thank you but we have it covered!" In a completely polite, happy way. From your story it sounds like you're kind of just nodding along when she comes up with some of these things (such as the garter) but in those cases if I were her I'd assume that not disagreeing=agreeing.

However you spoke up about your brother doing your hair was no doubt perfectly appropriate. If FMIL looks put out for a sec, that's okay. She can live with being put out for a sec. Know how I know? Because she'll jump right to the next idea within 5 minutes, if your description of her is any indication. She won't dwell; she's too excited already.

flutteringinfl · April 2015

I had to force myself to concentrate after the part about your garter because the idea of your FMIL essentially picking out your underwear was really gross.

PP's have good advice. "Thanks! We have it covered!" And to her question of is she stepping on your toes. "I really appreciate all the thoughts and ideas you've provided, but a lot of these decisions have already been made. Thank you!"

novella1186 · April 2015

I agree with PPs on what to say. "Thanks, we have it covered!" "Thank you for the idea, I'll have to think about it." and so on.

FMIL started harping on me to do a cash bar. It's what FSIL did for her wedding, so that makes it the RIGHT thing to do. Ugh. I just smiled and nodded and said I'd think about it. When she brought it up again, I said, "Thanks but we already have the bar all planned out" and changed the subject.

This was months ago.

The other day, with the wedding 2 weeks away, contracts signed, final payments paid and done, I get a text from FMIL: "I've been talking to a lot of people and doing research. You really should do a cash bar. It's what daughter did and it worked out great! I can help you plan it."

I was fuming. It just annoyed me that she keeps pushing, and keeps saying I NEED to do exactly what FSIL did, and that an open bar is a stupid waste of money (never mind that our flower budget is less than half of FSIL's flower budget-- now THAT is a waste of money). His family is great, but they really do not understand the concept of hosting guests well.

I was so annoyed that she was still pushing the issue that I handed my phone over to FI. He responded to her, and told her we already planned the bar. It came in under budget. It's done and will not be changed. The subject is closed.

I recommend you do the same if your FMIL gets to be too much; have FI step in and kindly let her know that it's done and the subject is closed, the end.

hellosweetie1015 · April 2015

flutteringinfl said:
I had to force myself to concentrate after the part about your garter because the idea of your FMIL essentially picking out your underwear was really gross.

PP's have good advice. "Thanks! We have it covered!" And to her question of is she stepping on your toes. "I really appreciate all the thoughts and ideas you've provided, but a lot of these decisions have already been made. Thank you!"

OH MY GOD THANK YOU. I was more than a little skeeved out by this. I don't really remember what I even said to her, but .... like, even FFIL was like "whoa what?"

Thanks, ladies!

lovemyrunner · April 2015

flutteringinfl said:
I had to force myself to concentrate after the part about your garter because the idea of your FMIL essentially picking out your underwear was really gross.

PP's have good advice. "Thanks! We have it covered!" And to her question of is she stepping on your toes. "I really appreciate all the thoughts and ideas you've provided, but a lot of these decisions have already been made. Thank you!"

My FMIL offered to make my garter, which I also find gross. When I expressed this reaction to my mother, she saw nothing wrong with it whatsoever. Of course, my mother is adamant that garters should be worn around the calf, not the thigh, so to her, it's not quite so intimate.

MairePoppy · April 2015

When she asked if she was stepping on toes, you should have been honest. 'I appreciate that you're trying to be helpful, but YES, you're stepping on my toes.' If you keep nodding and going along with whatever she says, she'll have no idea that she making you uncomfortable.

I would backtrack with her to let her know you really don't like the candy bar idea. The money can be used for other things. You have taken care of your own undergarments and won't be having a garter toss or any of that kind of stuff. Tell her that the wedding you're planning is much simpler than the one she seems to be planning.

novella1186 · April 2015

Came back to add, that it might also help if you can derail her.

For example,

FMIL: "Let's plan the big elaborate candy bar!"

You: "Actually, could you help me find ribbon for the programs? You can pick it. I was thinking x color or y color, but whatever you think looks good will be great!"

This worked like a charm on my mom. At one point she went out without telling me and started buying table decorations. Hideous ones. Like big plastic neon pink flowers that light up. "Well you said you wanted to keep your tables simple and not buy a lot of flowers. This is simple, and it's a fake flower!" JFC.

So I kept her busy, distracted, and feeling important by giving her other stuff to do. Pick out dessert platters, track down bread boards, help me plan a room block at a hotel, etc. Those were things I didn't mind giving her total control over, and it made her forget about the things I didn't want her messing with, plus I didn't have to shut her down. I didn't have to say, "NO, you can't help with the tables!" Instead it was, "Please help with this other thing!"

hellosweetie1015 · April 2015

novella1186 said:
Came back to add, that it might also help if you can derail her.

For example,
FMIL: "Let's plan the big elaborate candy bar!"
You: "Actually, could you help me find ribbon for the programs? You can pick it. I was thinking x color or y color, but whatever you think looks good will be great!"

This worked like a charm on my mom. At one point she went out without telling me and started buying table decorations. Hideous ones. Like big plastic neon pink flowers that light up. "Well you said you wanted to keep your tables simple and not buy a lot of flowers. This is simple, and it's a fake flower!" JFC.

So I kept her busy, distracted, and feeling important by giving her other stuff to do. Pick out dessert platters, track down bread boards, help me plan a room block at a hotel, etc. Those were things I didn't mind giving her total control over, and it made her forget about the things I didn't want her messing with, plus I didn't have to shut her down. I didn't have to say, "NO, you can't help with the tables!" Instead it was, "Please help with this other thing!"

I literally JUST did this! I texted her back to say that the weddings we were both planning weren't quite lining up, and I said, "let's find some decor stuff we can do on a shoestring." I saw - I think here - where someone had done a wax paper backdrop that looked beautiful, and I found a tutorial for some pretty tissue-paper poms that I liked. I suggested those, and told her to keep her eyes peeled for stuff like that that we could maybe do together - she's crafty like that, and would love it.

annathy03 · April 2015

The garter thing freaked me out when I read it too. I didn't wear one either, I just don't understand why I would need something choking my thigh.

I agree you need to master phrases like "Thanks for the idea, we have it handled though". If she brings up the hair stylist again, she's welcome to use whoever she'd like but you've got yourself (and whoever else) covered.

And you don't need the candy bar or flowers, but if you decide to look for candy jars at thrift stores (something you could put her in charge of to derail her as PP suggested), and I used Costco which has event flower packages for really reasonable prices (i.e. Corsage/Bouts) delivered to your door 2 days prior to the wedding, and I'd be happy to post pictures of mine if you'd want.

STARMOON44 · April 2015

What about the garter? Not wearing one, I want a simple day.

What about your boquet? Not carrying one, I want a simple day?

What about the candy bar? We haven't even found a venue yet, I want a simple day, so let's save this for later.

You can be polite to her while still telling her the truth about things.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2015

Definitely just being too polite. She doesn't sound like she's being pushy at all, just excited, and maybe because she assumes that you do/should care about these things and she's helpfully reminding you, when really you've considered them and ruled them out. So just TELL HER. You've given no indication that she'll really shit her pants if you say no, If she's asking if she's pushy/stepping on toes, either just say "kinda, yeah" or "not stepping on toes but those aren't areas I need help with. Decisions are already made, thanks!" Don't just keep going along with whatever suggestion she gives you for the sake of politeness or that WILL become a runaway train for the rest of your life.

hellosweetie1015 · April 2015

Oh, she isn't being pushy or anything at all. She's absolutely fantastic - I'm really lucky in that. My family is chill, his family is chill, nobody's really pushy or anything. I just really like her, and don't want to hurt her feelings.

I know she's just really-super-cereal-excited. FI's her only child, and this weekend I kind of got the sneaking suspicion that she was maybe one of the "wedding-dreamer" girls who didn't get the day she really wanted, and so she's funneling that energy into ours. I mean, it doesn't give her license to take over our day, but at least I can come up with a slightly more effective plan of attack between having that suspected background info and learning how to be firm when I'm not feeling something.

I think I've derailed her temporarily with Novella's expertly-timed tip - I've put her on the hunt for nifty inexpensive things we can do for decorating. Now just to convince her to actually use my Pinterest wedding board instead of finding things on Pinterest, saving the photo, putting it on Facebook, and tagging us in it.... which will be harder.

JCbride2015 · April 2015

FMIL tends to do this too, although in less benign ways; for instance, with inviting people we can't afford. We'll tell her no and then weeks later she will bring it up again like we never even talked about it. So we just have to keep repeating ourselves. Once you give an inch, she'll take a mile.

You can be polite but firm. I think EtiquetteHell calls this "polite spine."

"No." is a complete sentence.

How do I get off this train?

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