What to do with this gift?

levieenrose · April 2015

Generally I'm pretty good at figuring stuff out on my own based on context, etiquette, etc., but I am feeling a little stuck on this one. Sorry for asking for this advice, but I feel that since it has to do with DH's family's dirty laundry I shouldn't ask for advice among friends or family.

Background: DH currently has no relationship with FIL or StepMIL. It's DH's choice, based on his decision to extricate himself from a toxic relationship, and I support his decision to protect himself. FIL and StepMIL were not invited to the wedding.

After the wedding, FIL and StepMIL sent us a gift. DH wrote to thank them for the gift and ask if they were willing to help him mend the relationship. The content of this message was ignored, but it opened up the gateway for other unsolicited mistreatment of DH (meaning mistreatment not related to the gift-giving event). DH had to cut off communication with them again.

I feel stupid that we opened the package when it arrived, but we didn't assume it was a gift and were hopeful that it might be the beginning of a repairable relationship. But the door to a repairable relationship has been closed again and appears to be unopenable at the present.

DH doesn't care what we do with the gift. I feel torn. On one hand, it appears somewhat expensive and I feel bad keeping it. I mean, doesn't keeping it read like we're selfish and money-grabbing and unwilling to return the expensive gift they bought which may or may not have meant to be an olive branch? But if I return it to them, I feel like I am taking an active role in further driving the wedge between FIL and DH, and I worry that it again opens negative communication between them. Either way, FIL could choose to act like his extended olive branch was denied by an ungrateful son. Maybe he already has in his circles or with BIL. I don't know.

Another option would be to donate it to the local Goodwill if it's not a good idea to return the gift to FIL. Lastly, I wonder if we should keep the gift in the event the relationship is ever repaired. It's not a useful or aesthetically pleasing gift to me, but I do like to show our loved ones that we care about and use the gifts they have given us. I get bad feelings when I look at it and until the relationship is repaired I have no intention of using it, but I am also worried that giving it away might be wrong and we'll regret it someday. I have no idea of whether this is plausible or not--my family has healthy relationships and I might be reading this with rose-colored glasses.

What are your thoughts? Keep, return, or donate?

thisismynickname2 · April 2015

You say "unwilling to return the expensive gift which may have been meant to be an olive branch." But, your husband asked if it was an olive branch and apparently it wasn't.

You thanked them for the gift, they couldn't move forward into better treatment, it's over and done. I think this gives you grounds to keep it, rather than return it.

However you also say it's not useful or pleasing. So, you'd be storing it for a rainy day. How much closet space do you have?

a) Keep and use

b) Keep and store

c) If no room, donate.

I'm sorry it sounds like a sucky situation though

Edit: spelling

blabla89 · April 2015

Ultimately it's your H's decision, but here's how I see the options.

1. Keep it if you want it - You are free to do so, as it was a gift. You are not obligated to return it. If it is a toxic relationship and you're not in contact with them anyway, why does it matter if they might think it's selfish?

2. If you do return it to them, they may well take it as provocation to be nasty.

3. Return it to the store or donate it - See #1. If it's something you don't want, or your H is so upset that he doesn't even want to have this item in the house, then by all means, return or donate it.

ETA - clarity

levieenrose · April 2015

Thanks, @thisismynickname! I guess that's true. Maybe I just don't want to believe it and DH already moved on.

When we move into a new home in a couple months there will be more than enough storage space. I suppose maybe I should just keep it for a while until I have a clearer position on it? If someone gets it from Goodwill in a few years they are just as likely to enjoy it as a person picking it up from Goodwill next week.

thisismynickname2 · April 2015

Yeah, hang on to it a little while at least, then. You're right about Goodwill.

I know it's a lot easier for me to clean things out when I've been sitting on things too long, and any emotion tied to the item is long gone.

levieenrose · April 2015

Thank you for confirming, @blabla89. I already feel much better!

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

Ultimately, it's up to your H. If it's too painful for him, return it or donate it.

If it's not too painful....

1) Was it a gift from your registry? If so, I would keep it because I think it's tacky to return registry stuff for money.

2) If it's not from the registry, do you like it? If yes, keep it. If not, return it or donate it.

levieenrose · April 2015

southernbelle0915 said:
Ultimately, it's up to your H. If it's too painful for him, return it or donate it.

If it's not too painful....

1) Was it a gift from your registry? If so, I would keep it because I think it's tacky to return registry stuff for money.
2) If it's not from the registry, do you like it? If yes, keep it. If not, return it or donate it.

Thank you! Nope, not from the registry. Good point, though. We also didn't get a receipt for the item, which I am glad about. Then I'd be wondering if I should return it and credit their card!

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

levieenrose said:
Ultimately, it's up to your H. If it's too painful for him, return it or donate it.

If it's not too painful....

1) Was it a gift from your registry? If so, I would keep it because I think it's tacky to return registry stuff for money.
2) If it's not from the registry, do you like it? If yes, keep it. If not, return it or donate it.

Thank you! Nope, not from the registry. Good point, though. We also didn't get a receipt for the item, which I am glad about. Then I'd be wondering if I should return it and credit their card!

If you return it, I wouldn't give the money back or credit their card. Reasoning: it's kind of "rejection" of the gift versus "this just isn't my preference".

Take the store credit and buy something y'all want.

LondonLisa · April 2015

You are lucky because you don't have to do anything right now. If I were you, I would put it out of sight in the back of a wardrobe and reevaluate in 6 months. It is hard to make rational decisions when emotions are high.

I wouldn't return it- you wrote a thank you note and returning it at this point would just escalate the situation. Keeping it isn't selfish.

See how you two feel in a couple months (or after the wedding). It will be easier to make a decision when the nerve isn't so 'raw'.

If you still don't like it and have no use for it, another option would be to see if you could sell it on ebay and use the money to take your fi out to a nice meal.

levieenrose · April 2015

LondonLisa said:
You are lucky because you don't have to do anything right now. If I were you, I would put it out of sight in the back of a wardrobe and reevaluate in 6 months. It is hard to make rational decisions when emotions are high.

I wouldn't return it- you wrote a thank you note and returning it at this point would just escalate the situation. Keeping it isn't selfish.

See how you two feel in a couple months (or after the wedding). It will be easier to make a decision when the nerve isn't so 'raw'.

If you still don't like it and have no use for it, another option would be to see if you could sell it on ebay and use the money to take your fi out to a nice meal.

Thank you for the thoughts! It has been a few months since the wedding and since we have received the gift. But it also sounds like I don't have any obligations to FIL to make a decision now.

@southernbelle0915, I see what you mean about having their card credited back to them as as a rejection of their taste. Glad I wasn't even tempted to make the situation worse that way.

KatWAG · April 2015

I am just being nosy, what is the gift?

OliveOilsMom · April 2015

I like LondonLisa's approach. Hold onto it for now. Since you thanked them for the gift, I don't think it would be wise to return it to FIL. In a few months, bring it back out and ask H about it. Since this gift is from his dad, I would go by whatever he feels like doing with it then. But let the emotions of the ruined olive branch die down for a while until asking him about it again.

novella1186 · April 2015

I wouldn't return it. They may take that as an insult and use it as an excuse to act like assholes again.

Gifts are sent by choice with no strings attached (for normal people) so you and your H don't owe them anything (besides the thank-you he already sent). Keep it if you like it. Donate it if you don't.

levieenrose · April 2015

KatWAG said:
I am just being nosy, what is the gift?

I don't mind that kind of nosy! It was a lead crystal bowl and some thick crystal candlesticks.

KatWAG · April 2015

levieenrose said:

KatWAG said:
I am just being nosy, what is the gift?
I don't mind that kind of nosy! It was a lead crystal bowl and some thick crystal candlesticks.

Do you ever host holiday dinner or dinner parties? Could you use them on those occasions?

I would probably return it for a store credit.

When H and I got married someone gave us a Tiffany Pitcher and glasses. They were beautiful but we would never use them and they weren't my style. So I returned them for a bracelet and matching earrings. Oops.

levieenrose · April 2015

KatWAG said:

levieenrose said:

KatWAG said:
I am just being nosy, what is the gift?
I don't mind that kind of nosy! It was a lead crystal bowl and some thick crystal candlesticks.

Do you ever host holiday dinner or dinner parties? Could you use them on those occasions?
I would probably return it for a store credit.
When H and I got married someone gave us a Tiffany Pitcher and glasses. They were beautiful but we would never use them and they weren't my style. So I returned them for a bracelet and matching earrings. Oops.

Haha! No, they came with no receipt. I'm actually pretty thankful for that. I'd rather hold onto it or donate it. I do like the material, but they're kinda chunky looking.

Actually, I'm kind of glad that I don't like them, too. Better than getting something awesome where DH and I feel guilty or bitter everytime we looked at that stuff.

levieenrose · April 2015

You know, the other thing I can't wrap my head around is why they would send an expensive gift when they weren't looking to repair the relationship.

I mean, I know there are devious people like that, but I am concerned that this was an expensive gift based on my impression of their budget. Why wouldn't they save their budget and stretch the truth to others if the whole point was to just reject peace or upset DH? I mean, unless they were re-gifting an expensive gift?

That's why I wonder if this really was meant to be an olive branch and they just don't know how to be better people yet. $:\$

jacques27 · April 2015

levieenrose said:
You know, the other thing I can't wrap my head around is why they would send an expensive gift when they weren't looking to repair the relationship.

I mean, I know there are devious people like that, but I am concerned that this was an expensive gift based on my impression of their budget. Why wouldn't they save their budget and stretch the truth to others if the whole point was to just reject peace or upset DH? I mean, unless they were re-gifting an expensive gift?

That's why I wonder if this really was meant to be an olive branch and they just don't know how to be better people yet. $:\$

It could have been a peace offering, but I'm going to guess they were upset by your husband asking if they will help mend the relationship. They sound like dinks anyway, but people don't like to be told they are dinks. And that was sort of a backhanded way of him saying they are in the wrong and should he interpret the gift as their admitting they needed to say they were sorry and needed to take the first step. Not saying he was wrong, but dinks generally think others are to blame and don't like people thinking otherwise. Either that or they just wanted to move forward with out discussing it.

I think you would have had a different outcome if he just said thank you and left it at that. I'm guessing this just gave them ammunition to think "gee, what an ungrateful person. We gave him this expensive gift and all he wants to do is dredge up the past and act like we are the bad guys who have to fix this."

If it makes you feel better, dinks are almost always going to remain dinks, so even if this had gone better it probably would have gone badly over something else eventually.

levieenrose · April 2015

@jaques27, that's a great analysis. I'll definitely keep all those comments in mind as we move forward, especially if/when contact is ever resumed.

Thank you so much.

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