Wedding Etiquette Forum

Plus One Help!

Because our families are so large and our venue only holds 200 people, we only gave plus ones to those that were in serious relationships or those travelling far alone. One of my coworkers in the past month has started dating this new guy and although she received her save the date for JUST HER she is now talking about "when she brings him" to the wedding. ALSO, two of my other coworkers started dating someone new around the same time, but haven't mentioned anything about their new SO coming. 

Our invites are getting sent out in about 6 weeks and I have no idea what do. Our invite list is at 205 and our venue can only fit 20 - 10 top tables so do I invite them hoping enough people can't come that there's room for them or stick to my original guest list?

Re: Plus One Help!

  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    fitvegan said:

    Because our families are so large and our venue only holds 200 people, we only gave plus ones to those that were in serious relationships or those travelling far alone. One of my coworkers in the past month has started dating this new guy and although she received her save the date for JUST HER she is now talking about "when she brings him" to the wedding. ALSO, two of my other coworkers started dating someone new around the same time, but haven't mentioned anything about their new SO coming. 


    Our invites are getting sent out in about 6 weeks and I have no idea what do. Our invite list is at 205 and our venue can only fit 20 - 10 top tables so do I invite them hoping enough people can't come that there's room for them or stick to my original guest list?
    You have a serious capacity problem, not a "plus one" problem. These people are SOs and must be invited. The cutoff date for SOs is when the invites go out, not STDs. The amount of time they've been dating doesn't matter. If they consider themselves in a relationship, they must be invited. Period.



    You already invited over capacity. This is why we advise planning to have capacity in case your single guests get into relationships before invited go out, but that ship has sailed. Can you call the venue and see if worst case scenario of 200% attendance occurs, if you can squeeze a few extra people? And don't forget about yourselves, children, and vendors.

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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2015
    fitvegan said:

    Because our families are so large and our venue only holds 200 people, we only gave plus ones to those that were in serious relationships or those travelling far alone. One of my coworkers in the past month has started dating this new guy and although she received her save the date for JUST HER she is now talking about "when she brings him" to the wedding. ALSO, two of my other coworkers started dating someone new around the same time, but haven't mentioned anything about their new SO coming. 


    Our invites are getting sent out in about 6 weeks and I have no idea what do. Our invite list is at 205 and our venue can only fit 20 - 10 top tables so do I invite them hoping enough people can't come that there's room for them or stick to my original guest list?
    Boxes_________________________________________________________________



    You need to invite people's significant others. This means girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses and fiances. These are not plus ones!
    Plus ones are for truly single people not in relationships.

    Usually, it's best to make your guest list giving every single person a plus one as a placeholder. Then you have the spots available in case anyone gets into a relationship before the invites go out.

    It's incredibly rude to invite someone to an event celebrating one couple's love, when you don't invite the person they love.
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    [Deleted User]lavenderfields13
  • fitvegan said:

    Because our families are so large and our venue only holds 200 people, we only gave plus ones to those that were in serious relationships or those travelling far alone. One of my coworkers in the past month has started dating this new guy and although she received her save the date for JUST HER she is now talking about "when she brings him" to the wedding. ALSO, two of my other coworkers started dating someone new around the same time, but haven't mentioned anything about their new SO coming. 


    Our invites are getting sent out in about 6 weeks and I have no idea what do. Our invite list is at 205 and our venue can only fit 20 - 10 top tables so do I invite them hoping enough people can't come that there's room for them or stick to my original guest list?
    Boxes_________________________________________________________________



    You need to invite people's significant others. This means girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses and fiances. These are not plus ones!
    Plus ones are for truly single people not in relationships.

    Usually, it's best to make your guest list giving every single person a plus one as a placeholder. Then you have the spots available in case anyone gets into a relationship before the invites go out.

    It's incredibly rude to invite someone to an event celebrating one couple's love, when you don't invite the person they love.
    QFT and bolded for emphasis
  • frenchiekinfrenchiekin member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    edited April 2015

    fitvegan said:

    Because our families are so large and our venue only holds 200 people, we only gave plus ones to those that were in serious relationships or those travelling far alone. One of my coworkers in the past month has started dating this new guy and although she received her save the date for JUST HER she is now talking about "when she brings him" to the wedding. ALSO, two of my other coworkers started dating someone new around the same time, but haven't mentioned anything about their new SO coming. 


    Our invites are getting sent out in about 6 weeks and I have no idea what do. Our invite list is at 205 and our venue can only fit 20 - 10 top tables so do I invite them hoping enough people can't come that there's room for them or stick to my original guest list?
    Boxes_________________________________________________________________



    You need to invite people's significant others. This means girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses and fiances. These are not plus ones!
    Plus ones are for truly single people not in relationships.

    Usually, it's best to make your guest list giving every single person a plus one as a placeholder. Then you have the spots available in case anyone gets into a relationship before the invites go out.

    It's incredibly rude to invite someone to an event celebrating one couple's love, when you don't invite the person they love.
    ****************all of the boxes, none of them*****************************************



    What she said.

    Since that ship has sailed and PPs have already covered how you should be framing your thoughts on this, maybe there's a way out of this that doesn't leave you fucked on space and/or committing huge etiquette mistakes/pissing off your guests.

    Is there anyone on your current list of 205 that did NOT receive a STD?  This would be probably the only way to pare down your list at this point to be able to invite SO's for all of your guests who actually have them and hopefully stay under capacity.

    Of course there is a chance that you will have enough declines to accomplish this, but you can NEVER count on that ahead of time.  


    esstee33fitvegan
  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2015
    I'd be cutting my guest list down to accommodate people's SOs ASAP. If someone didn't get an STD, you can take them off the guest list to get back down below capacity for your venue AND make sure to invite people's partners. 

    It doesn't matter if their relationship isn't "serious" in your eyes -- if they consider themselves to be in a relationship, that person gets invited BY NAME, as a guest, not as a plus one. Plus ones are only for actually single people, and those aren't required. 
  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Yep you needed to plan for SOs at the time of invites not STD. That's what we did and a few people have since started dating people. It's worked out since I planned for it. 

    You need to see if there's anyone you didn't send a STD too that you can cut. 

    You also wrote that you were giving plus ones to people who were traveling from out of town. Did you write that on the STD? If you didn't, you could cut their plus one, ONLY if it's not their SO and truly a plus one. 
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    fitvegan said:

    Because our families are so large and our venue only holds 200 people, we only gave plus ones to those that were in serious relationships or those travelling far alone. One of my coworkers in the past month has started dating this new guy and although she received her save the date for JUST HER she is now talking about "when she brings him" to the wedding. ALSO, two of my other coworkers started dating someone new around the same time, but haven't mentioned anything about their new SO coming. 


    Our invites are getting sent out in about 6 weeks and I have no idea what do. Our invite list is at 205 and our venue can only fit 20 - 10 top tables so do I invite them hoping enough people can't come that there's room for them or stick to my original guest list?
    What is a serious relationship? I know people that were happily married within 6 months of meeting each other. Fi and I dated for 4 years before becoming engaged. 
    southernbelle0915JBee85madamerwin
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I am judging your poor planning and your use of "serious relationship" when deciding which SOs got invited of not.

    [Deleted User]lyndausvi
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You need to find a way to accomodate these people. If someone is in a relationship when the invitations go out, the s/o needs to be invited. 

    Talk to your venue about what you can do to add a few extra spaces, and go through your guest list to see if there is anyone who didn't get an STD. 
  • Some couples broke up before I sent out my invitations. They're getting a minus one. /kidding
    Just Married!

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    minttobemrsb
  • Nothing like pulling the "serious relationships only" card.

     

    Hey OP, my in-laws were together for 6 months before they got engaged.  They've now been married 35+ years.  If you were friends with them, and you got married when they had only been together for 3 months, would they have both been invited?

     

    This is a textbook example of "my dream venue is more important than my guests' comfort."

     

    Also, keep in mind OP that the max venue capacity often doesn't allow room for things like cake tables, buffet tables, a dance floor, a DJ set up, etc - it assumes back to back tables set up across the entire space.  So if i were you, i'd clarify that if you had 20 10-person tables set up, you'd still have room for those things if you want them.  it sounds to me like you may need to suck up the deposit and change venues so that you can actually accomodate everyone that received an STD along with their significant others.

    [Deleted User]
  • Yikes. What a mess. 

    Lurkers, this is what happens when you invite above capacity.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    STD go out what?   6-9 months out.  I find it hilarious people think their true singles might not meat their soul-mate during that time.   

    For the record, DH and I met near the end of Oct.  We were engaged by early Feb.  



    Due to your lack of planning, as much as it pains me I think not inviting him the the best option.  Maybe explain to the co-worker the lack of space (do not say thing about money).  If you get some declines he can come.    I don't like the option, but I think being straight forward about your lack of good planning is your best option.  She might decline the invite.   You will just have to deal with that.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • lyndausvi said:

    STD go out what?   6-9 months out.  I find it hilarious people think their true singles might not meat their soul-mate during that time.   


    For the record, DH and I met near the end of Oct.  We were engaged by early Feb.  



    Due to your lack of planning, as much as it pains me I think not inviting him the the best option.  Maybe explain to the co-worker the lack of space (do not say thing about money).  If you get some declines he can come.    I don't like the option, but I think being straight forward about your lack of good planning is your best option.  She might decline the invite.   You will just have to deal with that.


    This is a good Plan B if you're still over capacity after you remove all the people from your guest list who didn't get a STDate (Plan A).  You know, your college age cousin who you didn't have an address for because he was between dorm rooms, he's out now.
  • spglsp said:

    Some couples broke up before I sent out my invitations. They're getting a minus one. /kidding

    You kid, but I've actually had 2 long term relationships AND one marriage end just since I sent out my STDs. Chairs are opening up all over the place! 


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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Anyone who considers them self in a relationship (not what you consider to be serious) should have their SO invited, by name. This is not a plus one. Plus ones are for truly single guests, to bring anyone of their choosing.

    The SO cutoff is when invitations go out. If your friend starts dating someone a few weeks before your wedding, you would not be required to extend an invite to this SO, though it would be a nice gesture if you had space. However, before invites go out, definitely.

    Also, this why STDs should only be given to VIPs- people you are 100% sure you want at your wedding. Not every guest requires a STD. 

    You've gotten yourself into a poor planning bind, since you're already over capacity for invites. Remember your capacity for the venue includes yourself, your future husband and ALL vendors. 

    Your best bet is to remove guests who haven't received at STD from your invite list so that all guests who have already been invited via STD can have their SO attend by the time invites go out. 
    [Deleted User]
  • I don't totally agree with everything in some of the other posts.

    I've sent out my STD's before Christmas (only to about 1/3 of our guest list) and am sending out my invites this weekend.  I don't have a capacity issue like you do, but I do have my magic number and would like to keep it as close as possible.  Here is my strategy (which only me and my fiance know about):

    1) Since I did not send out STD's to everyone, I was able to cut some people.

    2) My mom wants to send out invites to our family friends a little later because she has to attend an event for one of them where she has not invited everyone who will attend that event.  None of my mom's friends were sent STD's because my mom didn't want me to.  So to avoid too many inquiries and talk about who got invited, my fiance and I have set up Round 1 and Round 2 invites with different RSVP dates (I'm printing my own RSVP cards) that are in line with a typical timeline for invites.  This is not to be confused with A-list and B-list.  Everyone from our Round 2 so far would have gotten an invite no matter what.   We do have some B-list guests and will send invites to them at Round 2.

    3) Between me and my finance, we knew who had significant others and invited them by name on the invite.

    4) We gave plus ones to friends and family who we know have had significant others for a long time but we have not had a chance to meet yet.

    5) For people in very new relationships (between the time we sent out STDs and invites and they have not informed us about their new relationship), we are not giving them a plus one until we get RSVPs back from Round 1 and know who we can accommodate.

    6) When we can accommodate +1's (After Round 1's), we will let that guest know by phone, email, Facebook that they are welcome bring someone if they like.

    Here's my take on weddings.  You should try to be as accommodating as possible but can't please everyone.  So make sure you do what pleases you and is in your means.    You will always hear someone complaining or being a jerk about something.  One of our family friends called my mom the other day and in conversation, asked her if the food will be good because at so and so's wedding at the same venue (years ago) she didn't like the food.

    Just as it's an honor to have guests attend your wedding, its also an honor to be invited to a wedding.  I don't think it's fair to the bride and groom if guests try to make too many demands. 

    If it comes up again with the person that wants to bring their sig other I would say "I hope you don't mind, but I have a bit of an awkward request.  We are trying to keep our guest list to ____ number.  For now, I cannot accommodate ____ but will do my very best.  I will let you know if I can add ____ in once we get all of our RSVP's back.  I hope you understand.  We would love to have you attend our celebration."
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    fitvegan said:



    I've sent out my STD's before Christmas (only to about 1/3 of our guest list) and am sending out my invites this weekend.  I don't have a capacity issue like you do, but I do have my magic number and would like to keep it as close as possible.  Here is my strategy (which only me and my fiance know about):

    1) Since I did not send out STD's to everyone, I was able to cut some people.

    2) My mom wants to send out invites to our family friends a little later because she has to attend an event for one of them where she has not invited everyone who will attend that event.  None of my mom's friends were sent STD's because my mom didn't want me to.  So to avoid too many inquiries and talk about who got invited, my fiance and I have set up Round 1 and Round 2 invites with different RSVP dates (I'm printing my own RSVP cards) that are in line with a typical timeline for invites.  This is not to be confused with A-list and B-list.  Everyone from our Round 2 so far would have gotten an invite no matter what.   We do have some B-list guests and will send invites to them at Round 2.

    3) Between me and my finance, we knew who had significant others and invited them by name on the invite.

    4) We gave plus ones to friends and family who we know have had significant others for a long time but we have not had a chance to meet yet.

    5) For people in very new relationships (between the time we sent out STDs and invites and they have not informed us about their new relationship), we are not giving them a plus one until we get RSVPs back from Round 1 and know who we can accommodate.

    6) When we can accommodate +1's (After Round 1's), we will let that guest know by phone, email, Facebook that they are welcome bring someone if they like.

    Here's my take on weddings.  You should try to be as accommodating as possible but can't please everyone.  So make sure you do what pleases you and is in your means.    You will always hear someone complaining or being a jerk about something.  One of our family friends called my mom the other day and in conversation, asked her if the food will be good because at so and so's wedding at the same venue (years ago) she didn't like the food.

    Just as it's an honor to have guests attend your wedding, its also an honor to be invited to a wedding.  I don't think it's fair to the bride and groom if guests try to make too many demands. 

    If it comes up again with the person that wants to bring their sig other I would say "I hope you don't mind, but I have a bit of an awkward request.  We are trying to keep our guest list to ____ number.  For now, I cannot accommodate ____ but will do my very best.  I will let you know if I can add ____ in once we get all of our RSVP's back.  I hope you understand.  We would love to have you attend our celebration."



    This is awful advice. If you don't know if someone has a significant other, you ASK THEM.

    Also, "it is an honor to attend someone's wedding"- get over yourself! If you are inviting your friends and family to witness your ceremony, it is YOUR responsibility to properly thank them via treating them well at the reception (which is for the guests, not for you!)


    Formerly martha1818

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    [Deleted User]JCbride2015
  • I don't totally agree with everything in some of the other posts.


    I've sent out my STD's before Christmas (only to about 1/3 of our guest list) and am sending out my invites this weekend.  I don't have a capacity issue like you do, but I do have my magic number and would like to keep it as close as possible.  Here is my strategy (which only me and my fiance know about):

    1) Since I did not send out STD's to everyone, I was able to cut some people.

    2) My mom wants to send out invites to our family friends a little later because she has to attend an event for one of them where she has not invited everyone who will attend that event.  None of my mom's friends were sent STD's because my mom didn't want me to.  So to avoid too many inquiries and talk about who got invited, my fiance and I have set up Round 1 and Round 2 invites with different RSVP dates (I'm printing my own RSVP cards) that are in line with a typical timeline for invites.  This is not to be confused with A-list and B-list.  Everyone from our Round 2 so far would have gotten an invite no matter what.   We do have some B-list guests and will send invites to them at Round 2.

    3) Between me and my finance, we knew who had significant others and invited them by name on the invite.

    4) We gave plus ones to friends and family who we know have had significant others for a long time but we have not had a chance to meet yet.

    5) For people in very new relationships (between the time we sent out STDs and invites and they have not informed us about their new relationship), we are not giving them a plus one until we get RSVPs back from Round 1 and know who we can accommodate.

    6) When we can accommodate +1's (After Round 1's), we will let that guest know by phone, email, Facebook that they are welcome bring someone if they like.

    Here's my take on weddings.  You should try to be as accommodating as possible but can't please everyone.  So make sure you do what pleases you and is in your means.    You will always hear someone complaining or being a jerk about something.  One of our family friends called my mom the other day and in conversation, asked her if the food will be good because at so and so's wedding at the same venue (years ago) she didn't like the food.

    Just as it's an honor to have guests attend your wedding, its also an honor to be invited to a wedding.  I don't think it's fair to the bride and groom if guests try to make too many demands. 

    If it comes up again with the person that wants to bring their sig other I would say "I hope you don't mind, but I have a bit of an awkward request.  We are trying to keep our guest list to ____ number.  For now, I cannot accommodate ____ but will do my very best.  I will let you know if I can add ____ in once we get all of our RSVP's back.  I hope you understand.  We would love to have you attend our celebration."
    I have a secret: It is not difficult to find out of someone has a SO. There is this really cool way of figuring it out. It is called "Asking them."
    [Deleted User]
  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer

    I don't totally agree with everything in some of the other posts.


    I've sent out my STD's before Christmas (only to about 1/3 of our guest list) and am sending out my invites this weekend.  I don't have a capacity issue like you do, but I do have my magic number and would like to keep it as close as possible.  Here is my strategy (which only me and my fiance know about):

    1) Since I did not send out STD's to everyone, I was able to cut some people.

    2) My mom wants to send out invites to our family friends a little later because she has to attend an event for one of them where she has not invited everyone who will attend that event.  None of my mom's friends were sent STD's because my mom didn't want me to.  So to avoid too many inquiries and talk about who got invited, my fiance and I have set up Round 1 and Round 2 invites with different RSVP dates (I'm printing my own RSVP cards) that are in line with a typical timeline for invites.  This is not to be confused with A-list and B-list.  Everyone from our Round 2 so far would have gotten an invite no matter what.   We do have some B-list guests and will send invites to them at Round 2.

    3) Between me and my finance, we knew who had significant others and invited them by name on the invite.

    4) We gave plus ones to friends and family who we know have had significant others for a long time but we have not had a chance to meet yet.

    5) For people in very new relationships (between the time we sent out STDs and invites and they have not informed us about their new relationship), we are not giving them a plus one until we get RSVPs back from Round 1 and know who we can accommodate.

    6) When we can accommodate +1's (After Round 1's), we will let that guest know by phone, email, Facebook that they are welcome bring someone if they like.

    Here's my take on weddings.  You should try to be as accommodating as possible but can't please everyone.  So make sure you do what pleases you and is in your means.    You will always hear someone complaining or being a jerk about something.  One of our family friends called my mom the other day and in conversation, asked her if the food will be good because at so and so's wedding at the same venue (years ago) she didn't like the food.

    Just as it's an honor to have guests attend your wedding, its also an honor to be invited to a wedding.  I don't think it's fair to the bride and groom if guests try to make too many demands. 

    If it comes up again with the person that wants to bring their sig other I would say "I hope you don't mind, but I have a bit of an awkward request.  We are trying to keep our guest list to ____ number.  For now, I cannot accommodate ____ but will do my very best.  I will let you know if I can add ____ in once we get all of our RSVP's back.  I hope you understand.  We would love to have you attend our celebration."
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    [Deleted User]bb2016JCbride2015
  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    I don't totally agree with everything in some of the other posts.


    I've sent out my STD's before Christmas (only to about 1/3 of our guest list) and am sending out my invites this weekend.  I don't have a capacity issue like you do, but I do have my magic number and would like to keep it as close as possible.  Here is my strategy (which only me and my fiance know about):

    1) Since I did not send out STD's to everyone, I was able to cut some people.

    2) My mom wants to send out invites to our family friends a little later because she has to attend an event for one of them where she has not invited everyone who will attend that event.  None of my mom's friends were sent STD's because my mom didn't want me to.  So to avoid too many inquiries and talk about who got invited, my fiance and I have set up Round 1 and Round 2 invites with different RSVP dates (I'm printing my own RSVP cards) that are in line with a typical timeline for invites.  This is not to be confused with A-list and B-list.  Everyone from our Round 2 so far would have gotten an invite no matter what.   We do have some B-list guests and will send invites to them at Round 2.

    3) Between me and my finance, we knew who had significant others and invited them by name on the invite.

    4) We gave plus ones to friends and family who we know have had significant others for a long time but we have not had a chance to meet yet.

    5) For people in very new relationships (between the time we sent out STDs and invites and they have not informed us about their new relationship), we are not giving them a plus one until we get RSVPs back from Round 1 and know who we can accommodate.

    6) When we can accommodate +1's (After Round 1's), we will let that guest know by phone, email, Facebook that they are welcome bring someone if they like.

    Here's my take on weddings.  You should try to be as accommodating as possible but can't please everyone.  So make sure you do what pleases you and is in your means.    You will always hear someone complaining or being a jerk about something.  One of our family friends called my mom the other day and in conversation, asked her if the food will be good because at so and so's wedding at the same venue (years ago) she didn't like the food.

    Just as it's an honor to have guests attend your wedding, its also an honor to be invited to a wedding.  I don't think it's fair to the bride and groom if guests try to make too many demands. 

    If it comes up again with the person that wants to bring their sig other I would say "I hope you don't mind, but I have a bit of an awkward request.  We are trying to keep our guest list to ____ number.  For now, I cannot accommodate ____ but will do my very best.  I will let you know if I can add ____ in once we get all of our RSVP's back.  I hope you understand.  We would love to have you attend our celebration."
    This is bad advice and rude. You should plan for single people to get into a relationship when you are planning your guest list. I did it and we've only had a few people get into a relationship. No big deal because I planned for it. It's not that hard. I would feel like a major bitch if I told my friends they couldn't bring their SO to my wedding. 
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  • littlepep said:

    I don't totally agree with everything in some of the other posts.


    I've sent out my STD's before Christmas (only to about 1/3 of our guest list) and am sending out my invites this weekend.  I don't have a capacity issue like you do, but I do have my magic number and would like to keep it as close as possible.  Here is my strategy (which only me and my fiance know about):

    1) Since I did not send out STD's to everyone, I was able to cut some people.

    2) My mom wants to send out invites to our family friends a little later because she has to attend an event for one of them where she has not invited everyone who will attend that event.  None of my mom's friends were sent STD's because my mom didn't want me to.  So to avoid too many inquiries and talk about who got invited, my fiance and I have set up Round 1 and Round 2 invites with different RSVP dates (I'm printing my own RSVP cards) that are in line with a typical timeline for invites.  This is not to be confused with A-list and B-list.  Everyone from our Round 2 so far would have gotten an invite no matter what.   We do have some B-list guests and will send invites to them at Round 2.

    3) Between me and my finance, we knew who had significant others and invited them by name on the invite.

    4) We gave plus ones to friends and family who we know have had significant others for a long time but we have not had a chance to meet yet.

    5) For people in very new relationships (between the time we sent out STDs and invites and they have not informed us about their new relationship), we are not giving them a plus one until we get RSVPs back from Round 1 and know who we can accommodate.

    6) When we can accommodate +1's (After Round 1's), we will let that guest know by phone, email, Facebook that they are welcome bring someone if they like.

    Here's my take on weddings.  You should try to be as accommodating as possible but can't please everyone.  So make sure you do what pleases you and is in your means.    You will always hear someone complaining or being a jerk about something.  One of our family friends called my mom the other day and in conversation, asked her if the food will be good because at so and so's wedding at the same venue (years ago) she didn't like the food.

    Just as it's an honor to have guests attend your wedding, its also an honor to be invited to a wedding.  I don't think it's fair to the bride and groom if guests try to make too many demands. 

    If it comes up again with the person that wants to bring their sig other I would say "I hope you don't mind, but I have a bit of an awkward request.  We are trying to keep our guest list to ____ number.  For now, I cannot accommodate ____ but will do my very best.  I will let you know if I can add ____ in once we get all of our RSVP's back.  I hope you understand.  We would love to have you attend our celebration."
    This is bad advice and rude. You should plan for single people to get into a relationship when you are planning your guest list. I did it and we've only had a few people get into a relationship. No big deal because I planned for it. It's not that hard. I would feel like a major bitch if I told my friends they couldn't bring their SO to my wedding. 
    But your friends should be understanding of your speshul situation. I mean, it's THEIR fault for waiting so long to meet someone and start dating. 
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • littlepep said:

    I don't totally agree with everything in some of the other posts.


    I've sent out my STD's before Christmas (only to about 1/3 of our guest list) and am sending out my invites this weekend.  I don't have a capacity issue like you do, but I do have my magic number and would like to keep it as close as possible.  Here is my strategy (which only me and my fiance know about):

    1) Since I did not send out STD's to everyone, I was able to cut some people.

    2) My mom wants to send out invites to our family friends a little later because she has to attend an event for one of them where she has not invited everyone who will attend that event.  None of my mom's friends were sent STD's because my mom didn't want me to.  So to avoid too many inquiries and talk about who got invited, my fiance and I have set up Round 1 and Round 2 invites with different RSVP dates (I'm printing my own RSVP cards) that are in line with a typical timeline for invites.  This is not to be confused with A-list and B-list.  Everyone from our Round 2 so far would have gotten an invite no matter what.   We do have some B-list guests and will send invites to them at Round 2.

    3) Between me and my finance, we knew who had significant others and invited them by name on the invite.

    4) We gave plus ones to friends and family who we know have had significant others for a long time but we have not had a chance to meet yet.

    5) For people in very new relationships (between the time we sent out STDs and invites and they have not informed us about their new relationship), we are not giving them a plus one until we get RSVPs back from Round 1 and know who we can accommodate.

    6) When we can accommodate +1's (After Round 1's), we will let that guest know by phone, email, Facebook that they are welcome bring someone if they like.

    Here's my take on weddings.  You should try to be as accommodating as possible but can't please everyone.  So make sure you do what pleases you and is in your means.    You will always hear someone complaining or being a jerk about something.  One of our family friends called my mom the other day and in conversation, asked her if the food will be good because at so and so's wedding at the same venue (years ago) she didn't like the food.

    Just as it's an honor to have guests attend your wedding, its also an honor to be invited to a wedding.  I don't think it's fair to the bride and groom if guests try to make too many demands. 

    If it comes up again with the person that wants to bring their sig other I would say "I hope you don't mind, but I have a bit of an awkward request.  We are trying to keep our guest list to ____ number.  For now, I cannot accommodate ____ but will do my very best.  I will let you know if I can add ____ in once we get all of our RSVP's back.  I hope you understand.  We would love to have you attend our celebration."
    This is bad advice and rude. You should plan for single people to get into a relationship when you are planning your guest list. I did it and we've only had a few people get into a relationship. No big deal because I planned for it. It's not that hard. I would feel like a major bitch if I told my friends they couldn't bring their SO to my wedding. 
    But your friends should be understanding of your speshul situation. I mean, it's THEIR fault for waiting so long to meet someone and start dating. 
    Gosh, don't they know theyr lyfe needs to be hold hold cuz you're getting married?!
    redoryxlittlepep[Deleted User]
  • This is such a mess.  You know how you could avoid all this?  Just plan for every person you invite to have a SO.  Then when you go to send out invites, you can actually give all single people a +1 because you've already planned for that, and no one will be offended when their brand new SO isn't invited to your wedding, because you'll already be covered.

     

    You don't pick a venue and then cater your guest list to it.  You make a guest list and then find a venue that accomodates everyone.  Why is this so hard to understand?  There were several lovely venues in our town that we didn't even bother visiting because their max capacity was too low for our guest list.  That's how this should be done.  Not the other way around.

    NowIAmSyp[Deleted User]
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited April 2015

    I don't totally agree with everything in some of the other posts.


    I've sent out my STD's before Christmas (only to about 1/3 of our guest list) and am sending out my invites this weekend.  I don't have a capacity issue like you do, but I do have my magic number and would like to keep it as close as possible.  Here is my strategy (which only me and my fiance know about):

    1) Since I did not send out STD's to everyone, I was able to cut some people.

    2) My mom wants to send out invites to our family friends a little later because she has to attend an event for one of them where she has not invited everyone who will attend that event.  None of my mom's friends were sent STD's because my mom didn't want me to.  So to avoid too many inquiries and talk about who got invited, my fiance and I have set up Round 1 and Round 2 invites with different RSVP dates (I'm printing my own RSVP cards) that are in line with a typical timeline for invites.  This is not to be confused with A-list and B-list.  Everyone from our Round 2 so far would have gotten an invite no matter what.   We do have some B-list guests and will send invites to them at Round 2.

    3) Between me and my finance, we knew who had significant others and invited them by name on the invite.

    4) We gave plus ones to friends and family who we know have had significant others for a long time but we have not had a chance to meet yet.

    5) For people in very new relationships (between the time we sent out STDs and invites and they have not informed us about their new relationship), we are not giving them a plus one until we get RSVPs back from Round 1 and know who we can accommodate.

    6) When we can accommodate +1's (After Round 1's), we will let that guest know by phone, email, Facebook that they are welcome bring someone if they like.

    Here's my take on weddings.  You should try to be as accommodating as possible but can't please everyone.  So make sure you do what pleases you and is in your means.    You will always hear someone complaining or being a jerk about something.  One of our family friends called my mom the other day and in conversation, asked her if the food will be good because at so and so's wedding at the same venue (years ago) she didn't like the food.

    Just as it's an honor to have guests attend your wedding, its also an honor to be invited to a wedding.  I don't think it's fair to the bride and groom if guests try to make too many demands. 

    If it comes up again with the person that wants to bring their sig other I would say "I hope you don't mind, but I have a bit of an awkward request.  We are trying to keep our guest list to ____ number.  For now, I cannot accommodate ____ but will do my very best.  I will let you know if I can add ____ in once we get all of our RSVP's back.  I hope you understand.  We would love to have you attend our celebration."



    Not everyone is dying to attend your wedding. If I were invited without my SO because you didn't bother to find out if had a SO, I would be very comfortable not attending your wedding. The onus is not on me to tell everyone proactively that I have a boyfriend, in case I might be invited to a party sometime in the future. The onus is on the hosts of any party to find out about all the SOs who need to be invited.

    Sure, some people will complain even when you aren't really being a jerk, but the etiquette of inviting SOs is pretty clear for a reason. That reason is that you are, in fact, a jerk if you don't invite SOs. So you have to plan for that, and do absolutely everything in your power to make it happen even if you don't, like people are advising OP.

    We didn't know if some of H's cousins were dating someone when we were getting ready to send out invites. We asked them if they were. Two were, and two were not. It was not difficult.

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