Is this rude or am I BSC??

twoleighs · April 2015

We are having an extremely simple and small wedding. Our ceremony will be at a local historic house in a park. The "reception" for the ~20 guests will be us getting a banquet room at a restaurant about 10 minutes from the ceremony venue. We are paying for all the food and liquor for the dinner.

I ordered the cake from the Sam's Club close to the ceremony venue so I could pick it up on the way there to get ready. I already confirmed the cake does not need to be refrigerated. The plan was for the cake to be in the house's kitchen until we move to the restaurant and it would come with me. We cannot take the cake to the restaurant beforehand.

My mom is stressing herself out over this because what if [all the things]. She says it would be better to pick up between the ceremony and restaurant. I said nope, that's more trouble.

So what does she do? She asks a friend of hers to pick up the cake from Sam's and bring it to the restaurant.

I'm NOT HAPPY because this seems incredibly rude (that and WTF?!?! I did not ask her to do this). This person is not invited to the wedding, it's immediate family only.

We're 9 days out and it's entirely possible I have just completely lost it. Thoughts??

lyndausvi · April 2015

I would not worry about it.

Friends do things for other friends. I personally would happily do the same thing for a friend's daughter's wedding.

Don't get me wrong I would be a little miffed at my mom for asking, but appreciate that I have one less thing to worry about.

ETA - I'm surprised you can't bring the cake over early in the day. It's never been an issue at places I've work. ::shrugs::

[Deleted User] · April 2015

I don't think this is rude at all, especially if this is a close friend. Asking for help is OK if the task is a small favor that is not a huge inconvenience. Picking up a cake is far from inconvenient. I like what the PP said, friends help friends. I also would let the issue go with your mom. She's wants you to enjoy your day and not worry about transporting the cake.

P.S.-Make sure you said her a thank you for picking up the cake. It will look rude if you don't acknowledge her help.

larrygaga · April 2015

I am of the thought pattern that you shouldn't allow people to help with your wedding if they aren't invited. I would tell your mom that you are picking up the cake, and then ask the bakery that they get a name and ID or something so only you can pick up the cake. If you are buying the cake only you should be able to pick it up, right?

Just thinking the friend might think picking up the cake means she's invited. It's a nice gesture, certainly not rude!

novella1186 · April 2015

This is not a hill I would die on. Your mom's friend is an adult with free will, so if she did not want to pick up the cake or was offended by being asked, she would have said no.

I get feeling weird about it. My mom told me that a close family friend was going to stay late after the wedding to help gather centerpieces and whatnot (not clean up-- the venue staff does that). I said no. I told her I'd rather hire someone, because no guest should have to do any kind of "work" at my wedding. My mom kept insisting.

Then I talked to this family friend in person and she was SUPER excited to help. She kept offering to do more stuff. She even offered to bake cookies for the reception. (I kept saying thank you but it's not neccessary). So fine, if she wants to collect centerpieces at the end of the party-- like she REALLY wants to-- then fine. She can. Some people just love to be helpful.

lyndausvi · April 2015

There is nothing wrong with getting help. Whether you are doing the asking or it's being offered.

There is something wrong with demanding help. There is something expecting help. There is something wrong with planning an event with the thought that all your guests will work.

However, most people are genuinely helpful people. They enjoy helping out their friends. Even if it's helping out their friend's kids.

Do not read too much into this. Picking up a cake and taking it to a restaurant is hardly a time consuming or costly errand.

Just last year we picked up a cake from a store and delivered it to a restaurant for an RD. Yes, in this case we were invited to the RD. We didn't offer, we were asked. We were out running errands anyway. We were happy to help out. Had we had plans in a different area then we would have declined. NBD.

twoleighs · April 2015

I think I'm just paranoid and more miffed about my mom asking behind me.

lyndausvi When I asked my contact at the restaurant about bringing it in she said they can't store it (didn't specify why) and said we'd need to bring it in with us when we arrive. I just assumed since it wasn't something they prepared they didn't want to accept liability for its contents.

Who knows. Honestly the cake is really over the top anyways. Part of our package includes 2 desserts (we're having cannoli and tiramisu).

Thanks!

#8days

twoleighs · April 2015

I think I'm just paranoid and more miffed about my mom asking behind me.

lyndausvi When I asked my contact at the restaurant about bringing it in she said they can't store it (didn't specify why) and said we'd need to bring it in with us when we arrive. I just assumed since it wasn't something they prepared they didn't want to accept liability for its contents.

Who knows. Honestly the cake is really over the top anyways. Part of our package includes 2 desserts (we're having cannoli and tiramisu).

Thanks!

#8days

ashley8918 · April 2015

I think it was pretty rude of your mom to ask, but I really don't think it is a big deal. I would let it go. Maybe just write this friend a nice thank you card. After all, she will be saving you some trouble on your wedding day.

Now, if your mom had asked her to, like, MAKE the cake or something, I would say put the kibosh on it.

lovegood90 · April 2015

I think it's rude to ask. And it was wrong of her to go over your head about this. She's not even invited to the wedding. I'd be super uncomfortable about this, IMHO.

blabla89 · April 2015

Is it rude? Yes, kind of (I'm giving your mom the benefit of the doubt that she asked graciously and thanked the friend profusely when she agreed). But if I were asked to do something like this for a friend's daughter and it wasn't particularly out of my way, I would be happy to do it.

I would be miffed about mom going over your head, though.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

Is it irritating that your Mom went behind your back and asked her friend to help out when you said that you had it handled? Yes. But you are 8 days out. At this point I would just forget about it and focus on whatever else you have to do.

Just make sure to write the woman a nice thank you note for taking time out of her day to help out.

SP29 · April 2015

Yeah, it's awkward (like does the friend expect to be invited now?), but I'd leave any awkwardness that may or may not come to your mom and send this friend a nice thank you note afterwards.

twoleighs · April 2015

Thanks everyone!

I have all the major stuff covered (food, drinks, and venue) all paid for and taken care of, so I think this is going to be my motto for the next 8 days:

ohannabelle · April 2015

I would offer to do this for a friend's daughter.

I might regret it if I saw other people eating cannoli. That's too much.

You should give her cannoli, as well as a thank you note.

Is this rude or am I BSC??

Re: Is this rude or am I BSC??

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