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Wedding Woes
I'm going to strangle my mother...
And im not even two weeks into planning...
I tried to broach (sp? w/e pardon me for a few minutes) the subject of the weddig budget with my mom last weekend and she freaked. We are asking that Each set of parents try to contribute a set amount and we would contribute the same. Part of the amount we would be saving up will go towoards our honeymoon and we are budgeting for $14, 000. She flipped. "That's way too much for a wedding youre being rediculous". I added we are not planning on spending that much but we want to have some wiggle room so it's not the end of the world if we go over in one area.
My borhter is planning a $4000 wedding and she keeps saying that he needs to spend MORE.. thats fine because i think his budget is kind of unrealistic. But she tells me I am spending too much yet tells him he needs to spend over $10000 and they will help him. Whenever i try to talk finanaces with her she tells me we need to plan for your brothers wedding.
I have invitations that are around $2.00 printed. She tells me that is too much. Save the dates custom made for $1 each- too much. She hates everything i pick out. The hall she wants me to use is going to cost over 3 times the cost of teh hall we want to use but that of course, is okay. But she doesnt want to contribute anything.
The date i scheduled to view the hall she wont commit to becuase my brother is coming back into town .. at the end of the week.. cant spare an hour!
I eloped in my first marriage when i was 20 and she hated (literally) me for it but I am finding myself spending more time planning this with my FMIL than with my mom. I want to share it with both but my mo is making this absoultley miserable!
Any thoughts? I am about to write her out all together. I am not sleeping over this ad stressed to the max.
I tried to broach (sp? w/e pardon me for a few minutes) the subject of the weddig budget with my mom last weekend and she freaked. We are asking that Each set of parents try to contribute a set amount and we would contribute the same. Part of the amount we would be saving up will go towoards our honeymoon and we are budgeting for $14, 000. She flipped. "That's way too much for a wedding youre being rediculous". I added we are not planning on spending that much but we want to have some wiggle room so it's not the end of the world if we go over in one area.
My borhter is planning a $4000 wedding and she keeps saying that he needs to spend MORE.. thats fine because i think his budget is kind of unrealistic. But she tells me I am spending too much yet tells him he needs to spend over $10000 and they will help him. Whenever i try to talk finanaces with her she tells me we need to plan for your brothers wedding.
I have invitations that are around $2.00 printed. She tells me that is too much. Save the dates custom made for $1 each- too much. She hates everything i pick out. The hall she wants me to use is going to cost over 3 times the cost of teh hall we want to use but that of course, is okay. But she doesnt want to contribute anything.
The date i scheduled to view the hall she wont commit to becuase my brother is coming back into town .. at the end of the week.. cant spare an hour!
I eloped in my first marriage when i was 20 and she hated (literally) me for it but I am finding myself spending more time planning this with my FMIL than with my mom. I want to share it with both but my mo is making this absoultley miserable!
Any thoughts? I am about to write her out all together. I am not sleeping over this ad stressed to the max.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm going to strangle my mother...
Plan what YOU can afford.
[QUOTE]And im not even two weeks into planning... I tried to broach (sp? w/e pardon me for a few minutes) the subject of the weddig budget with my mom last weekend and she freaked. We are asking that Each set of parents try to contribute a set amount and we would contribute the same. Part of the amount we would be saving up will go towoards our honeymoon and we are budgeting for $14, 000. She flipped. "That's way too much for a wedding youre being rediculous". I added we are not planning on spending that much but we want to have some wiggle room so it's not the end of the world if we go over in one area. My borhter is planning a $4000 wedding and she keeps saying that he needs to spend MORE.. thats fine because i think his budget is kind of unrealistic. But she tells me I am spending too much yet tells him he needs to spend over $10000 and they will help him. Whenever i try to talk finanaces with her she tells me we need to plan for your brothers wedding. I have invitations that are around $2.00 printed. She tells me that is too much. Save the dates custom made for $1 each- too much. She hates everything i pick out. The hall she wants me to use is going to cost over 3 times the cost of teh hall we want to use but that of course, is okay. But she doesnt want to contribute anything. The date i scheduled to view the hall she wont commit to becuase my brother is coming back into town .. at the end of the week.. cant spare an hour! I eloped in my first marriage when i was 20 and she hated (literally) me for it but I am finding myself spending more time planning this with my FMIL than with my mom. I want to share it with both but my mo is making this absoultley miserable! Any thoughts? I am about to write her out all together. I am not sleeping over this ad stressed to the max.
Posted by kymo21[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>Your paren'ts don't have to contribute any money to pay for your wedding, especially since this is a second wedding. If you don't want her to have a say, then you have to pay for it all yourself. </div><div>
</div><div>Your mom sounds like she has weird views about money, so I would just not inform her about that kind of thing and pay for it yourself.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to I'm going to strangle my mother... : Your paren'ts don't have to contribute any money to pay for your wedding, especially since this is a second wedding. If you don't want her to have a say, then you have to pay for it all yourself. Your mom sounds like she has weird views about money, so I would just not inform her about that kind of thing and pay for it yourself.
Posted by lindseyann410[/QUOTE]
the weird thing is one minute she says she wants to contribute and she wants to help but when it comes down to it she only wants to do it if she can have her way- and if my brother's stuff is taken care of first.
[QUOTE]She's not that into you. Or your wedding. Plan what YOU can afford.
Posted by MinM[/QUOTE]
that was rather rude.
[QUOTE]And im not even two weeks into planning... I tried to broach (sp? w/e pardon me for a few minutes) the subject of the weddig budget with my mom last weekend and she freaked. We are asking that Each set of parents try to contribute a set amount and we would contribute the same. Part of the amount we would be saving up will go towoards our honeymoon and we are budgeting for $14, 000. She flipped. "That's way too much for a wedding youre being rediculous". I added we are not planning on spending that much but we want to have some wiggle room so it's not the end of the world if we go over in one area. My borhter is planning a $4000 wedding and she keeps saying that he needs to spend MORE.. thats fine because i think his budget is kind of unrealistic. But she tells me I am spending too much yet tells him he needs to spend over $10000 and they will help him. Whenever i try to talk finanaces with her she tells me we need to plan for your brothers wedding. I have invitations that are around $2.00 printed. She tells me that is too much. Save the dates custom made for $1 each- too much. She hates everything i pick out. The hall she wants me to use is going to cost over 3 times the cost of teh hall we want to use but that of course, is okay. But she doesnt want to contribute anything. The date i scheduled to view the hall she wont commit to becuase my brother is coming back into town .. at the end of the week.. cant spare an hour! I eloped in my first marriage when i was 20 and she hated (literally) me for it but I am finding myself spending more time planning this with my FMIL than with my mom. I want to share it with both but my mo is making this absoultley miserable! Any thoughts? I am about to write her out all together. I am not sleeping over this ad stressed to the max.
Posted by kymo21[/QUOTE]
<div>It is never appropriate to ask for money. Especially not for a vacation. </div><div>
</div><div>Plan the wedding and honeymoon that you, the couple hosting, can afford. End of story.</div><div>
</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm going to strangle my mother... : that was rather rude.
Posted by kymo21[/QUOTE]
No, it wasn't. It was solid advice. Plan what you can afford, and lurk before you post if you're easily offended.
We never said we "couldnt" afford anything so go for all of you to make that assumption! I was actually asking for more of how to bring this subject up with my mom because it it going to bew a little odd to include my FMIL and not include my mom. Prior to my engagement she was all about contributing and when she feels like she has some say (read full control) she is all about contributing - she volunteered prior to us asking about it and same with his parents we were just trying to keep everything fair (and maybe i didnt word it clearly- i was at work- but we are paying for the honeymoon).
If you want to go with etiquette, my parents should be paying for the majority of the wedding. While its turning out to be ther other way around. They are as usual favoring my borhter and paying for every single thing for him. I have told her that if its a big deal not to worry about it we will pay for it but when she realizes that she loses control she again freaks out and back peddals..
so i am stuck in a lose lose..
you shouldn't be asking anyone for anything.
how do I handle th issue that is being created where my FMIL is more involved than my mom? This is going to create problems down the line.. for now this will create less stress and issue in my life..
SoBarbie.. what part of that are you not getting? if youre going to be rude at least read that damn post!
If your mother doesn't, or can't afford to help pay, that's fine. Ask her opinion, but don't let her boss you. Save up and move your wedding back (like I did) so you can afford to pay cash for the wedding you want. (side note, credit cards and weddings don't mix). Anyway, if your FMIL has an active and positive interest in your wedding, grab the help and support and go with it. Either your mother will get pissy and decide to help, or she'll wrap herself even more into your brothers wedding and then she becomes his problem..
Does that answer your question?
[QUOTE]And im not even two weeks into planning... I tried to broach (sp? w/e pardon me for a few minutes) the subject of the weddig budget with my mom last weekend and she freaked. We are asking that Each set of parents try to contribute a set amount and we would contribute the same. Part of the amount we would be saving up will go towoards our honeymoon and we are budgeting for $14, 000. She flipped. "That's way too much for a wedding youre being rediculous". I added we are not planning on spending that much but we want to have some wiggle room so it's not the end of the world if we go over in one area. My borhter is planning a $4000 wedding and she keeps saying that he needs to spend MORE.. thats fine because i think his budget is kind of unrealistic. But she tells me I am spending too much yet tells him he needs to spend over $10000 and they will help him. Whenever i try to talk finanaces with her she tells me we need to plan for your brothers wedding. I have invitations that are around $2.00 printed. She tells me that is too much. Save the dates custom made for $1 each- too much. She hates everything i pick out. The hall she wants me to use is going to cost over 3 times the cost of teh hall we want to use but that of course, is okay. But she doesnt want to contribute anything. The date i scheduled to view the hall she wont commit to becuase my brother is coming back into town .. at the end of the week.. cant spare an hour! I eloped in my first marriage when i was 20 and she hated (literally) me for it but I am finding myself spending more time planning this with my FMIL than with my mom. I want to share it with both but my mo is making this absoultley miserable! <strong>Any thoughts?</strong> I am about to write her out all together. I am not sleeping over this ad stressed to the max.
Posted by kymo21[/QUOTE]
Actually, the only question you asked was, "Any thoughts?"
we gave you our thoughts: don't ask anyone for money and have the wedding you can afford to pay for on your own.
when you say "i want to share it with both" we can only assume you mean expenses, as that what you state in asking each set of parents to chip in equal amounts.
from your OP, it sounds like Min is 100% right, your mom just isn't that into you or your wedding. if she was, she'd be a much more active participant in the planning process. you need to gracefully accept or decline any help that is <strong><em>OFFERED</em></strong>, but don't start walking around with your hand out.
I think your mom sees your request for what it is - not an invitation to spend quality time with her child, but a request to pay for her child's second wedding. i wouldn't be accepting these requests either.
[QUOTE]I did forget to mention that its also my brothers second wedding as well. What i was referring to as rude was the snarky statement of "She's not that into you. Or your wedding." We never said we "couldnt" afford anything so go for all of you to make that assumption! I was actually asking for more of how to bring this subject up with my mom because it it going to bew a little odd to include my FMIL and not include my mom. Prior to my engagement she was all about contributing and when she feels like she has some say (read full control) she is all about contributing - she volunteered prior to us asking about it and same with his parents we were just trying to keep everything fair (and maybe i didnt word it clearly- i was at work- but we are paying for the honeymoon). If you want to go with etiquette, my parents should be paying for the majority of the wedding. While its turning out to be ther other way around. They are as usual favoring my borhter and paying for every single thing for him. I have told her that if its a big deal not to worry about it we will pay for it but when she realizes that she loses control she again freaks out and back peddals.. so i am stuck in a lose lose..
Posted by kymo21[/QUOTE]
refering to the line......If you want to go with etiquette my parents should be paying for the majority of the wedding............NO...if you want to go with etiquette,this is your second marriage,wether you count eloping or not,it is still your second marraiage and your parents should NOT be paying for anything.
plan what you can afford and if by chance your mom gives you some money use it as seed money for a savings account.
JMO
[QUOTE]In my first wedding, my mother paid for everything. And my FMIL was very involved even though she didn't pay for s**t. Anyway, I have to agree, regardless if this is your 1st, 2nd or 5th wedding, you should never expect anyone to help pay for it. If they offer, that is one thing, but never EVER ask. If your mother doesn't, or can't afford to help pay, that's fine. Ask her opinion, but don't let her boss you. Save up and move your wedding back (like I did) so you can afford to pay cash for the wedding you want. (side note, credit cards and weddings don't mix). Anyway, if your FMIL has an active and positive interest in your wedding, grab the help and support and go with it. Either your mother will get pissy and decide to help, or she'll wrap herself even more into your brothers wedding and then she becomes his problem.. Does that answer your question?
Posted by renjon7798[/QUOTE]
The first helpful post! yes this IS helpful.. my parents had asked ( now what i consider asking may be different than what others consider asking ) about the wedding and may I assumed wrong. They had asked about what we were thinking , when, budget. When I had talked to my mom about teh budget i didnt just go hey mom $6k thanks! She asked what it was going "cost them". Thats how we got on topic of the budget. I was bracing for impact anyways as i knew it wasnt going to be a fun conversation when finances came up. My parents have always talked about paying for my wedding but I know now just isnt the time- which is part of her stress. My FI and i discussed this and I told her several times not to worry about it. But i also dont want her playing dictator over my wedding.
I was getting deployed for my first wedding hence the eloping - so i would like to enjoy my second and have some say. Sue me. There are so many factors that play into this that I couldnt possibly put them all in here but should i even bring this up to her or just let it go? I feel I should have a boundaries talk with in the very least, but I dont want to make things worse.
So no, it's not like i was walking around with my hand out as some "classy" gal put it... to me it sounded like she was asking but maybe she was not...Our wedding is so DIY that i doubt it will even get to that amount but like i said in my original post we do want some wiggle room.
However, the budget is also not your parent's problem. My parents are paying for my entire wedding because they offered. I did not give them an estimate, nor would I get angry if they suggested something was too expensive. Whatever amount money they contribute to your wedding should be appreciated.
Plan what you can with whomever wants to be involved and that you want to be involved with you. Your mother doesn't have to be involved. You may have to work on skills to not let her get to you if she starts causing problems - possibly bean dipping her when she starts.
[QUOTE]This is your second marriage and your asking your parents to help pay for it? I'm sorry you eloped when you were twenty. Pay for your own wedding and have what you can afford. You could opt to scale back your estimated $14k honeymoon to use that money towards a bigger wedding or have a smaller wedding and have a big honeymoon but quit asking your parents to pay for your second wedding so you can have a pretty princess day. IF they suddenly hand you money or offer to give you money, that would be wonderful but don't count on it and don't expect. Plan as though there won't be a contribution from them and plan the wedding you can pay for. Plan what you can with whomever wants to be involved and that you want to be involved with you. Your mother doesn't have to be involved. You may have to work on skills to not let her get to you if she starts causing problems - possibly bean dipping her when she starts.
Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]
LOL we didnt plan a $14 000 honeymoon
[QUOTE]I didn't bother reading all the other comments, but I wanted to say I know EXACTLY how you feel. My mom is also driving me nuts! AND I don't think it is rude to ask for helping paying for your wedding. We asked both sets of parents for $5k and we are putting in $5k for our honeymoon, so that is $10k towards the wedding and $5k towards our honeymoon. I think it's sad that your mom is not making your wedding seem as important to her as your brothers wedding is. You should just sit down with her and explain that you love her very much but are hurt by the way she is treating you. My mom keeps telling me every venue is too expensive even though I only tell her about the ones I feel are within our budget. The venue I love now is $3k but the catering is half the price of all the others. My dad is out of town on business until the end of June and our wedding is in April, but my mom says we can't book anything until my dad comes back and sees the place! SO frusterating :(
Posted by TurathA[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yeah. You sound pretty awesome, too.
</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm going to strangle my mother... : Yeah. You sound pretty awesome, too.
Posted by klm03013[/QUOTE]
I was trying to be supportive, as that's what I had assumed this forum was for. Why is everyone being so rude?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm going to strangle my mother... : I was trying to be supportive, as that's what I had assumed this forum was for. Why is everyone being so rude?
Posted by TurathA[/QUOTE]
<div>Because nobody likes the idea of one person with terrible ideas supporting another. Sorry. People are trying to help the OP by making sure she doesn't come off as a spoiled brat or ruin a relationship with her family for stupid reasons. That is more supportive</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm going to strangle my mother... : I was trying to be supportive, as that's what I had assumed this forum was for. Why is everyone being so rude?
Posted by TurathA[/QUOTE]
Because that is apprently how things run here- or so I'm told...Nothing but bitches hiding behind the safety of the internet.. how awesome!
But anywho I feel for ya- venues are wicked expensive! My mom is now wanting me to help (read just do everythbing) plan my borhters wedding. Mainly because they wont... never mind that it's their wedding.. LOL But at least she is coming around.. I just started planning without her and FMIL is more than happy to step up and help (and by help I mean actually HELP!).
My parents are just the masters of double standard.. silly me to think it would be different! Hopefully your situation irons itself out too.
[QUOTE]Yeah, it sounds like you should just go about your business and plan the wedding you can afford. Dont' count on any money unless it's in your hands. Be careful about how you include her. For example, narrow down between two cakes you like and can afford, and ask her which one she likes better without telling her anything about price. This will help with your own sanity. Another option: When she offers her opinion on something or tells you how to do something, tell her she can make decisions when she pays for it. Not as tactful, and it sounds like you don't really want her to make the final decisions anyway. I understand about imbalances when it comes to siblings weddings (FI's brother and his FI are terrible planners and can't save money, so his parents will probably end up having to pay for most of their wedding), but bottom line is, it's their money, they can spend it however they want. We don't have to like it, but we also can't really complain about it. Edit for clarity.
Posted by lindseyann410[/QUOTE]
Thanks! That is actually really helpful in a frustrating situation... I dont want to be rude, I just want to get the point across that if she were contributing she would have more of a say, she seems to think it a bit flipped: no contribution = total authority!
FI mom is being helpful and keeping everything balanced- also super helpful! Thanks again.