Wedding Etiquette Forum

Sending a Save The Date to an OOT couple whose children aren't invited

You all have such great etiquette advice that I wanted your thoughts on this. We are still a few months away from sending out StD's, but I am ordering them soon and plan to send them out basically as soon as flights are able to be booked. However, I realized that we might have a bit of a sticky situation with some of our guests on FI's side. 

He is adamant about having no kids. He conceded a bit on my one 9 year old cousin (we are inviting her parents and her two adult brothers, so it didn't seem right to me to not invite her because I didn't want to split up a family; she will probably be a flower girl/junior bridesmaid as well), but other than her we are not inviting kids under the age of 15 or so. We aren't splitting up families; this is just how it worked out, as all of the kids on my side apart from my one cousin are high school age or older. His side has very young children (under 7), but we only plan to invite the parents per his request. 

He has an aunt, uncle, and two young cousins who live about a 5 hour plane ride away from where we are getting married. Her and her husband are on our guest list, but their kids are not. I plan to only put her name and her husband's name on the Save The Date, but I'm not sure if that will get the point across, and would feel terrible if she books flights for her children as well. The flights will probably be booked prior to invitations being sent out. Is there anything else that we can do without being offensive to let them know that only the aunt and uncle will be invited? I can't think of anything from an etiquette perspective, but would like to prevent an awkward situation from occurring if possible. 

Re: Sending a Save The Date to an OOT couple whose children aren't invited

  • I would make sure someone on his side of the family (for ex:  FMIL) know that no kids are invited so if they ask she can tell them. My wedding is OOT for most of my guests and my Mom has spread by word of mouth that kids won't be invited so people have time to plan ahead.
  • That's a tough one. I don't personally know the etiquette for this situation, but I'm thinking you could just add a "2 seats have been reserved in your honor" under all the info you're providing? I know those normally go on invites only, but I personally think that's subtle enough without providing too much detail.

    Someone correct me if there's a better way though!

    Formerly martha1818

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  • I would make sure someone on his side of the family (for ex:  FMIL) know that no kids are invited so if they ask she can tell them. My wedding is OOT for most of my guests and my Mom has spread by word of mouth that kids won't be invited so people have time to plan ahead.

    But some kids are invited, so that's not an accurate statement. If the STD only says Mr. and Mrs. Jones, than only Mr. and Mrs. Jones are invited. People should clarify if they are confused. 

    This is tricky, and I invited all out of town guests with their children, so I'm not much help. I'd probably invite the out of town children, but you of course are not obligated to.
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  • Another vote for having FMIL contact her sister and tell her "Hey, just to give you a heads up, the STD are being sent out soon. It's been decided that no children under the age of 15, are being invited. I wanted to let you know so that you don't book flights for the kids."

    Just be prepared for the "We don't have anyone that we can leave the kids with for a whole weekend here, so if the kids can't come, then we won't be coming either," and how you want to deal with that.

  • I would make sure someone on his side of the family (for ex:  FMIL) know that no kids are invited so if they ask she can tell them. My wedding is OOT for most of my guests and my Mom has spread by word of mouth that kids won't be invited so people have time to plan ahead.

    But some kids are invited, so that's not an accurate statement. If the STD only says Mr. and Mrs. Jones, than only Mr. and Mrs. Jones are invited. People should clarify if they are confused. 

    This is tricky, and I invited all out of town guests with their children, so I'm not much help. I'd probably invite the out of town children, but you of course are not obligated to.

    Good point! I was just thinking that no kids on his side were invited but if they see other kids there (the 9 y.o) they might be confused.
  • You all have such great etiquette advice that I wanted your thoughts on this. We are still a few months away from sending out StD's, but I am ordering them soon and plan to send them out basically as soon as flights are able to be booked. However, I realized that we might have a bit of a sticky situation with some of our guests on FI's side. 


    He is adamant about having no kids. He conceded a bit on my one 9 year old cousin (we are inviting her parents and her two adult brothers, so it didn't seem right to me to not invite her because I didn't want to split up a family; she will probably be a flower girl/junior bridesmaid as well), but other than her we are not inviting kids under the age of 15 or so. We aren't splitting up families; this is just how it worked out, as all of the kids on my side apart from my one cousin are high school age or older. His side has very young children (under 7), but we only plan to invite the parents per his request. 

    He has an aunt, uncle, and two young cousins who live about a 5 hour plane ride away from where we are getting married. Her and her husband are on our guest list, but their kids are not. I plan to only put her name and her husband's name on the Save The Date, but I'm not sure if that will get the point across, and would feel terrible if she books flights for her children as well. The flights will probably be booked prior to invitations being sent out. Is there anything else that we can do without being offensive to let them know that only the aunt and uncle will be invited? I can't think of anything from an etiquette perspective, but would like to prevent an awkward situation from occurring if possible. 
    Junior Bridesmaid isn't a thing.  So, if she's IN the wedding, she can be either a flower girl or a bridesmaid.
  • AuroraRose41AuroraRose41 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2015
    huskypuppy14 said: whovianstark said:I would make sure someone on his side of the family (for ex:  FMIL) know that no kids are invited so if they ask she can tell them. My wedding is OOT for most of my guests and my Mom has spread by word of mouth that kids won't be invited so people have time to plan ahead.

    But some kids are invited, so that's not an accurate statement. If the STD only says Mr. and Mrs. Jones, than only Mr. and Mrs. Jones are invited. People should clarify if they are confused. 
    This is tricky, and I invited all out of town guests with their children, so I'm not much help. I'd probably invite the out of town children, but you of course are not obligated to.------------------disappearing boxes----------------------------------


    @huskypuppy14 I know people
    should clarify, but this couple has brought their children to adult oriented events in the past just assuming they were also invited, so I get the impression that they will assume we forgot to add their children to the STD and book the flights for them. FI is really adamant about not having them there, even though it wouldn't really bother me (I would invite them too if it was up to me). It's one of the major things he really wants, and was even very reluctant to let my cousin come. 

    I will let my FIL's know our plan, and see if they can relay the message I guess. It is FFIL's side of the family (actually 1st cousin and her family; huge family where all of the cousins are also close), but he wouldn't call them to tell them that (he would tell FI to do it because it's FI's problem). I'm not sure how close FMIL is to them as a result, but it's worth a shot I guess. 

    @Erikan73, we are prepared for them to decline as a result. We will just have to use the old "Then you will be missed" line. 

  • @adk19 yes sorry about that. My family has had many "junior bridesmaids" so it's a common thing for us, and my mother keeps using the term, but I didn't plan to treat her any differently than any of my other bridesmaids. I will be sure not to use that term. 

  • That's a tough one. I don't personally know the etiquette for this situation, but I'm thinking you could just add a "2 seats have been reserved in your honor" under all the info you're providing? I know those normally go on invites only, but I personally think that's subtle enough without providing too much detail.

    Someone correct me if there's a better way though!

    I'm sorry for not responding to you earlier! I can't decide how I feel about this. It would get the point across, but it seems strange to have it on a STD. But that's why I am asking the question now though before I order them, so that I could add something if need be. 

    I think I will try to have his parents convey the message by word of mouth to start. And I'm glad that you and others agree that this is a tough one! 

  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2015

    I would make sure someone on his side of the family (for ex:  FMIL) know that no kids are invited so if they ask she can tell them. My wedding is OOT for most of my guests and my Mom has spread by word of mouth that kids won't be invited so people have time to plan ahead.

    But some kids are invited, so that's not an accurate statement. If the STD only says Mr. and Mrs. Jones, than only Mr. and Mrs. Jones are invited. People should clarify if they are confused. 

    This is tricky, and I invited all out of town guests with their children, so I'm not much help. I'd probably invite the out of town children, but you of course are not obligated to.
    ------------------disappearing boxes----------------------------------



    @huskypuppy14 I know people should clarify, but this couple has brought their children to adult oriented events in the past just assuming they were also invited, so I get the impression that they will assume we forgot to add their children to the STD and book the flights for them. FI is really adamant about not having them there, even though it wouldn't really bother me (I would invite them too if it was up to me). It's one of the major things he really wants, and was even very reluctant to let my cousin come

    I will let my FIL's know our plan, and see if they can relay the message I guess. It is FFIL's side of the family (actually 1st cousin and her family; huge family where all of the cousins are also close), but he wouldn't call them to tell them that (he would tell FI to do it because it's FI's problem). I'm not sure how close FMIL is to them as a result, but it's worth a shot I guess. 

    @Erikan73, we are prepared for them to decline as a result. We will just have to use the old "Then you will be missed" line. 

    Seriously Boxes_________________________________________________



    The fact that this couple has brought their children uninvited before, means someone has to say something. It can just be very matter of fact: 'Just so there is no confusion, the invitation is only for you and your wife'. Usually, we say it's not cool to say who is not invited, but when someone has deliberately caused problems in the past, you have to do what you have to do. You are making it easier on them, because even if they did book flights for their children, you are still not required to accommodate them.

    Also, the bolded rubs me the wrong way. No one is telling me I can't invite my little cousin to my wedding, even a fiance. Kids are guests just like adults. I don't like lumping all children together like that. Some people are invited others are not. Just because they are a younger human being, doesn't mean they are not important. And of course you can invite your cousin and not invite any other children.
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  • If they have a history of bringing their uninvited kids places, yes your FI or someone else on his side should be direct with them. "We figured you'd received the STD just addressed to you and your husband, but as you make plans, we wanted to be clear that we are not inviting any young kids to the wedding. If you decide to travel with them and you need contact information for a baby sitter, let me know and I can try to find someone you can get in touch with." 

    That last sentence is optional - you certainly are NOT obligated to offer to find them a baby sitter. It may be nice since all the people they probably know will be at the wedding.
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  • @huskypuppy14 and @southernbelle0915, okay, that makes me feel better that we can be direct with them since they have a history of doing this type of thing. I think that most of the people they know in the area are invited to our wedding, but I agree with at least offering to find them someone if they still want to bring their kids. 

    Also, my fiance just didn't want kids there, and I honestly was on the fence about it. My cousin actually can be a pain sometimes too (she is a bit spoiled, and doesn't like not being the center of attention), but I figured it would probably cause more drama inviting her parents and adult brothers and not inviting her, so my fiance agreed that she would be an exception. He was reluctant because of behaivor we have seen at previous events with her there, and honestly I went back and forth on this too for the same reason but ultimately decided that avoiding family drama was more important. And I think being part of my bridal party would be exciting for her, and she does adore me (even named a stuffed animal that I gave her after me since I live so far away and she doesn't get to see me too often, and proudly showed it to me again stating its name the last time I saw her), so I think that would be a good way to make her feel important and special too. 

    FWIW, I did plan to ask her to be part of my bridal party before I even thought about how she might act up (and I realize that she still might act up), so this isn't the only reason that I am asking her to be part of it. She is important to me and I would like to honor her too. But it hopefully will help, if that makes sense. 

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