Step-Mother From Hell

Re: Step-Mother From Hell

• banana468 member

  

  April 2015

  Why can't you cancel?

  
  

  Talk it over with your FI and elope - or plan a small scale event.   Tell them that you understand that their money is coming with strings attached and you respect that.   Therefore, you need to decline the money and have the event that is within your means.

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• Heffalump member

  

  April 2015 edited April 2015

  kgaffney88 said:

  I'm getting married back home (I live on the other side of the country) so my step-mother has been dealing with vendors back home. This whole event seems to have turned into a "social status" for her. We wanted a very small reception but now we've suddenly got a 250 person guest list- many of them are her and my fathers' friends. And now she has a B-list guest list- all her friends. These people will only be invited to the reception after dinner. I told her that I thought that was rude and that we shouldn't do that. But, whenever I argue with her about it she just says "your father and I are paying for it you don't get a say". This is her response for everything I say. If I send her photos of flowers saying, "This is what I like, please give it to the florist" she'll say "sorry, no, you can't do that."
  
  
  I know they are paying for it so they get some say, but it's my wedding, not hers. She had her wedding. I've told me dad to put a leash on her (in a polite way) but he doesn't have anything to say on the matter. He has, however, asked my mother (his ex-wife) to help pay for the reception. She doesn't have a problem with that, but she thinks that the "b-list" portion of the wedding is just going to turn it into big drinking party  and that my step-mother will take the credit for everything. My mother doesn't drink and doesn't want to pay for my step-mother's social status party. What do I do? I can't plan this on my own and we can't pay for even a tiny reception on our own and the save the dates have already gone out, so it's not like we could just cancel everything and hold a small ceremony and have that be it.

  Then you have two options:  JOP wedding now, or save your money until you and your FI can pay for the wedding that you want.
  
  It would be nice if your stepmother would take your wishes into account, but she's not.  So your only option is to pay your own way, now (small budget) or later (bigger budget).
  
  FWIW, I agree with you that it's poor etiquette to invite some people to the after-dinner portion of the reception only.  And it's not your father's business whether or how much your mother contributes, so I don't think asking her was a good move.  (It would be different if she had approached him and volunteered to help pay, but it doesn't sound like that's what happened.)
  
  It basically sounds like your stepmother is planning her own party, which she's within her rights to do if it's her money being spent.  So just tell them thanks, but no thanks, and plan your own wedding.
  
  ETF:  on second thought, no hyphen in stepmother, oops
  

  �

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• ohannabelle member

  

  April 2015

  What previous posters advise, x 100.

  
  

  You say, "Dad and Evil, we appreciate the offer and effort, but this is nothing at all like the wedding we wanted, so we've decided to cancel and (choice)  A: pay for our own wedding at a later date, or B: Elope.

  
  

  Yes, you can cancel, etiquette approved. You mail out a simple note (to everyone who received Save The Dates) that says, we regret that our July 16th wedding has been temporarily canceled, and apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.  We appreciate your friendship, and look forward to seeing you in the future. (Or drop the last line if they aren't friends and you don't care.)

  
  

  Done. 

  
  

  Damned if I'd let anyone plan my wedding and tell me what I want doesn't count. If there are strings attached, cut those strings and take control of your own life. 

  You get one wedding.  Evil Stepmom didn't get that note, and is taking yours.  

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• kmmssg mod

  

  April 2015

  Agree with the others.  You have two choices here - sit back and let her have her social party aka what should be your wedding OR cancel it and elope.  How happy can you be with a wedding that has no elements that are important to you?  There is no middle ground on this one.  Either suck it up or have the courage to cancel and elope.

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  April 2015

  Just one question - where is your FI and his family in all of this - is his family being forgotten or do they get to attend ESM's Gala party???  It's his wedding too, he needs to have some level of involvement and opinion on things. 

  The answer is, if NONE of your wishes are being accepted for the day, as PP have mentioned, cancel right now.  You can still have your wedding that day, back home, invite who you can afford "as if" it's an "Elope at Home" (even though it's a DW for you two), order your own darn flowers, and DONE...  No big gala party for ESM!!! (which I'm guessing she forgot to include FI's side in her haste to invite everyone to the party but not dinner...).  IMO the flowers are just a symptom of a far greater problem when it comes to boundaries...

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• Jen4948 member

  

  April 2015

  I don't think you need to go so far as to elope, but if your stepmother is turning your wedding into her ego stroke without regard for you, your dad's going along with her, and you're not okay with it, then you need to plan your wedding without their funds. Pare it down to where you can afford it without their assistance.

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• larrygaga member

  

  April 2015

  You can always cancel! You just need to make up another set of postcards that say it will not be held as planned. Then when you have your own wedding with your own money planned, you can send out new save the dates!

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• featherandleaf member

  

  May 2015

  Thanks for the advice everyone. My fiance is pretty peeved at ESM and he never gets mad about her attitude about the whole thing. The big problem is, we are Traditionalist Catholic and getting married at our parish back home in the Latin rite is the only think my fiance has really expressed much opinion about. So, Eloping isn't much of an option for us and we don't really want to wait any longer than we have to. My mother passively said to my father that she wasn't into what ESM was doing (particularly the reception-only invites) and then 2 days later ESM asked for a binder filled with my ideas and what I want. So, I go back next week to see them. If she hasn't stopped being crazy by then, we'll have to reevaluate. 

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• featherandleaf member

  

  May 2015

  And yes, my fiance's family gave a list of who they want invited and they were all invited to the entire she-bang. 

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• hmonkey member

  

  May 2015

  you need to put some juggalo ideas in that binder. once she sees those, she might want to distance herself a little.

  
  

  
  

  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  May 2015

  featherandleaf said:

  Thanks for the advice everyone. My fiance is pretty peeved at ESM and he never gets mad about her attitude about the whole thing. The big problem is, we are Traditionalist Catholic and getting married at our parish back home in the Latin rite is the only think my fiance has really expressed much opinion about. So, Eloping isn't much of an option for us and we don't really want to wait any longer than we have to. My mother passively said to my father that she wasn't into what ESM was doing (particularly the reception-only invites) and then 2 days later ESM asked for a binder filled with my ideas and what I want. So, I go back next week to see them. If she hasn't stopped being crazy by then, we'll have to reevaluate. 

  
  
  Traditionalist Catholic still doesn't mean you give up your wants/desires for your wedding - the priest and parish you're being married at will dictate some things, but most likely they're going to be things like choosing readings that fir the two of you and explaining to your priest there why they're significant to you two!

  Here's hoping some of the ESM/Cray are leaving the room...  Be concise about what you want "This is what  we want the cake to look like"...  "This is how I want the flowers to look"...
  

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• pegasuskat member

  

  May 2015

  I would be MORE concise, I would say THIS is how the flowers will be, and this is THE cake we are having....

  
  

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• RezIpsa member

  

  May 2015

  featherandleaf said:

  Thanks for the advice everyone. My fiance is pretty peeved at ESM and he never gets mad about her attitude about the whole thing. The big problem is, we are Traditionalist Catholic and getting married at our parish back home in the Latin rite is the only think my fiance has really expressed much opinion about. So, Eloping isn't much of an option for us and we don't really want to wait any longer than we have to. My mother passively said to my father that she wasn't into what ESM was doing (particularly the reception-only invites) and then 2 days later ESM asked for a binder filled with my ideas and what I want. So, I go back next week to see them. If she hasn't stopped being crazy by then, we'll have to reevaluate. 

  You can cancel and still have a church wedding with just you and your partner. I would absolutely make it clear that cancellation will be happening unless the B list goes, at the very least. That's just rude and awful. Then pick the things that are your hills to die on. I would suggest focusing on things that effect etiquette and guest comfort rather than purely aesthetic things like flowers and cake design, but that's up to you. 
  

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• featherandleaf member

  

  May 2015

  She is really hard to talk to via text and on the phone- she takes everything the wrong way. My plan is to sit down and discuss things with her when I visit next week. If the B-list is still I thing then I plan on putting my foot down. That is definitely a hill I will die on if I have to. 
  
  I'd hate to cancel and do a small ceremony- I already bought a dress and a lot of people have bought tickets already. Shame hiring a hit man would do more harm than good  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  May 2015

  Please keep us updated.  We are all hoping you don't have to die on this hill, but we definitely agree with any decision you make to do so.
  

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• featherandleaf member

  

  May 2015

  Everything went...okay...I told them that a B list is not going to happen. I said if they want to celebrate with friends who weren't invited, they can do it after the reception at a different location. Not much else to it, we didn't get to discuss plans too much. I've sort of stopped caring, it's not worth the energy to fight with her on the other things. The wedding will be great, I'm sure. All I care about it marrying my best friend. If she wants to prove something by spending all of my dad's money, I can't really stop her. 

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  May 2015

  featherandleaf said:

  Everything went...okay...I told them that a B list is not going to happen. I said if they want to celebrate with friends who weren't invited, they can do it after the reception at a different location. Not much else to it, we didn't get to discuss plans too much. I've sort of stopped caring, it's not worth the energy to fight with her on the other things. The wedding will be great, I'm sure. All I care about it marrying my best friend. If she wants to prove something by spending all of my dad's money, I can't really stop her. 

  
  
  I still think you should think about eloping.  You can still have your church wedding.  Talk to the priest who is handling your wedding.  He maybe able to have your ceremony during a regularly scheduled mass.  The ceremony would be different, you probably would not process/recess or choose the readings that you would have liked, but wouldn't that give you lots of freedom from the craziness of ESM?  My church has performed 50th anniversary vow renewals during masses and it is pretty much exactly the same as the marriage rite.

  Or, have a very small wedding with immediate family and close friends.  All you would need is to host your wedding guests afterwards at a dinner.  It is not necessary to have huge 5 hour blow-out receptions, this is what the wedding industry wants you to have because it puts money in their pockets.
  

  

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• blueeyedkat member

  

  May 2015

  This is why my FN and I are paying for our wedding, completely. You expect the wedding to be paid for, because for whatever financial reasons, you can't even afford a small ceremony (maybe you should meet with a financial adviser?) YOUR parents have decided to pay for a wedding for you and your partner (who is also not contributing anything, nor is his family I assume, but he wants a traditional catholic wedding). What your parents are doing is paying for a party, to which you're not contributing anything but just showing up, eating, and saying vows. Just let them do what they want, invite who they want, and you still get to go to a party.
  
  I think it speaks volume that you'd rather get a hitman than cancel the wedding. Yeah, kill that hand that feeds you (and in this case, will be feeding all the guess as well). Just...smdh.
  
  
  

  
  
  

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