NWR: Divorced Parents

loveislouder · May 2015

So I'm 24, and I'm new to this divorcing parents thing so I need some advice.

We got married on April 25th, and before we left for the honeymoon Dad asked me to add his new girlfriend (by new I mean like... they've been in a steady relationship for 5 months) to facebook so he could see the pictures people post as I wouldn't be home to show him, and he doesn't have his own. I was like, yeah absolutely no problem.

Fast forward to like, an hour ago. My Mom calls my office and demands I remove new girlfriend from facebook because it's unfair to her and if I didn't she would delete me from her friends list. I was like "... are you serious right now?" Mom was like "Yes. I feel like I'm losing my kids to her." "...So you're going to delete me from facebook and that is going to prevent you from losing your kids how?"

Then she yelled at me and told me I was disrespectful and an awful kid because I didn't immediately remove this lady from facebook. Facebook is literally causing an argument here. What are we, 12?

Anyway, then she starts in about how no one even has her new boyfriends number (true) but I don't have new girlfriends number either. So I told her that I just added new girlfriend to show the pictures to Dad and she started crying about how her kids don't love her anymore.

Is this normal? Like... I wasn't being malicious. Is it just because emotions are high? I don't understand and maybe it's just because I'm a little emotional today. Anyone with advice for me?

ShesSoCold · May 2015

loveislouder said:
So I'm 24, and I'm new to this divorcing parents thing so I need some advice.

We got married on April 25th, and before we left for the honeymoon Dad asked me to add his new girlfriend (by new I mean like... they've been in a steady relationship for 5 months) to facebook so he could see the pictures people post as I wouldn't be home to show him, and he doesn't have his own. I was like, yeah absolutely no problem.

Fast forward to like, an hour ago. My Mom calls my office and demands I remove new girlfriend from facebook because it's unfair to her and if I didn't she would delete me from her friends list. I was like "... are you serious right now?" Mom was like "Yes. I feel like I'm losing my kids to her." "...So you're going to delete me from facebook and that is going to prevent you from losing your kids how?"

Then she yelled at me and told me I was disrespectful and an awful kid because I didn't immediately remove this lady from facebook. Facebook is literally causing an argument here. What are we, 12?

Anyway, then she starts in about how no one even has her new boyfriends number (true) but I don't have new girlfriends number either. So I told her that I just added new girlfriend to show the pictures to Dad and she started crying about how her kids don't love her anymore.

Is this normal? Like... I wasn't being malicious. Is it just because emotions are high? I don't understand and maybe it's just because I'm a little emotional today. Anyone with advice for me?

This is 100% your mom's problem. You have done nothing wrong.

thespeshulestsnowflake · May 2015

Yeah this sounds like a mom issue, not a you issue.

Just curious though, when did they get divorced? Is it recent?

ashley8918 · May 2015

No, this is not normal. Your mom is acting crazy, and needs to knock the shit off.

littlepep · May 2015

How long have your parents been divorced? Your mom is acting totally irrational btw and you did nothing wrong, but I know right after my parents split my dad was pretty emotional. If it hasn't been that long, maybe her emotions are still raw. Not to excuse her bahavior in any way.

kaitlynmichelle · May 2015

Your mom is being nuts. I'm sure it is hard, but she is causing the problem herself by lashing out. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

My parents divorced when I was 4, so I've never had to deal with that kind of drama. Haven't seen or spoken to my father in about 14 years.

luckya23 · May 2015

Whatever happened with her potentially abusive new bf?

Maybe she just doesn't feel quite as "moved on" as dad and is taking it out on you.

You didn't do anything wrong being friends with the new gf. She probably can see that you don't like her own boyfriend that much, though.

lyndausvi · May 2015

My parents are still together. DH's are divorced and DH does not see her dad. MIL is more upset that DH doesn't have a relationship with his dad then DH is. (she doesn't want one, just thinks it's sad her ex disowned his son's).

Since I can't offer any advice, this will have to do

hellosweetie1015 · May 2015

Oh my.

I'm sorry. I really, truly am. I don't have any helpful advice except to remind you that you are in the right. Your mother cannot lose her kids to your dad's new girlfriend. It is not normal behavior. Well maybe it's "normal" - I've seen a lot of men and women go ape-shit over their recent ex getting a new main squeeze in the last year, but it is NOT RIGHT.

You don't have to be in the middle of this. I don't know what to tell your mother, but you do not deserve to be drawn into the middle of it. And I am so so sorry your mom doesn't seem to realize that.

*hugs*

loveislouder · May 2015

They sprung their separation on us the day after our engagement party (eta: In October) (and by sprung, I mean they asked us to come back the next morning to help clean up and were like Oh BTW, mom's moving out today and ya'll have to help her move.)

@luckya23 He moved in. He isn't abusive to her, she has a brain tumor/inner ear tumor thing that fucks up her balance. Sorry if I forgot to update.

She just... isn't the same as she was before the divorce, and not in a good way. She insisted on keeping the house so that the kids (my little brother and sister, 18 and 19) could live there, but she kicked brother out and demanded my Dad pay her 400 rent per month for my sister if she was going to live there every second weekend when she wasn't out of province for work during the summer. I'm just URG.

Thanks for the hugs. I need them. FI H (!!! YAY) is making me a super awesome dinner tonight to make me feel better.

VulgarGirl · May 2015

Ugh, I hate when parents try to make their kids pick sides.

Look this girlfriend lady might be in your life for awhile or also maybe not. But if you want a relationship with her (or not) that's your business and up to you. Same with your mom and any potential people she dates. You can form relationships with them or not.

I was only 4 when my parents divorced and they have the weird fucking divorce ever. They're like best friends. They don't make sense. So I don't have a lot of first hand experience but I have watched my friends try to appease all sides and make everyone happy.

Guess what? You can't. In fact you can only control the happiness of one person and that is you. You are the kid. Even as an adult in this relationship you are now and will always be the kid. Your parents are the adults. The adults need to behave like adults.

Very clearly tell your mom "I love you mom, I have always loved you, you have always loved me, this won't be changed by anything, it can't be. But I also love dad. I am not going to pick sides. You cannot force me to choose sides", and if she tries to bring up the divorce/bitch about your dad/hate on the girlfriend you need to tell her "Mom, I love you and I understand you're going through a lot. But that's my dad you're talking about. If you need to vent about him, please call one of your friends" and do the same with your dad.

Did you ever play monkey in the middle in school? There'd be three kids, one in the middle and two other side flanking the middle one. The two on the ends would throw a ball back and forth over the "monkey in the middle", if the "monkey" caught the ball, they'd get out of the middle and whoever threw it would go in. Here's the thing about monkey in the middle. It only works if someone is in the middle. Don't be the monkey. Leave the middle. Refuse to go back in the middle. Then it's just two people tossing a ball back and forth.

thespeshulestsnowflake · May 2015

loveislouder said:
They sprung their separation on us the day after our engagement party (and by sprung, I mean they asked us to come back the next morning to help clean up and were like Oh BTW, mom's moving out today and ya'll have to help her move.)

@luckya23 He moved in. He isn't abusive to her, she has a brain tumor/inner ear tumor thing that fucks up her balance. Sorry if I forgot to update.

She just... isn't the same as she was before the divorce, and not in a good way. She insisted on keeping the house so that the kids (my little brother and sister, 18 and 19) could live there, but she kicked brother out and demanded my Dad pay her 400 rent per month for my sister if she was going to live there every second weekend when she wasn't out of province for work during the summer. I'm just URG.

Thanks for the hugs. I need them. FI H (!!! YAY) is making me a super awesome dinner tonight to make me feel better.

Oh, that timing sucks. My parents did something similar, only it was on the day I graduated college. Nothing puts a damper on a happy occasion like that.

I'm not sure how long ago the engagement party was but give her time. Not condoning her reaction now or her other actions, but it does take time.

luckya23 · May 2015

Brain stuff is TOUGH. My grandmother had a hemorrhagic stroke and has never been the same - more moody, often angry, even sometimes violent, and often falling down.

I hope your mom's stuff is fixable, but it could definitely be having an effect on her personality in addition to the difficulty of the divorce.

loveislouder · May 2015

Sorry guys, i meant to say they separated at the engagement party in October.

Thanks for all the support and hugs. I definitely need it.

emmaaa · May 2015

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. My parents divorced after 28 years of marriage when I was in high school. What I have learned is parents start acting like children during emotional divorces (obviously not all parents, but some, specifically mine).

You have done nothing wrong and your mom is acting ridiculous. I think you said everything right to her. She needs to know that throwing a caniption fit and acting like a child will not make you do everything she asks. She always needs to learn that her children have huge hearts, hearts big enough to love her and your dad both. Even big enough to care about any potential step parents shall it happen.

falsara · May 2015

Ok so I'm earily familiar with some of this shit. My parents divorced when i was 20, so about three years ago. Anyway, right now feelings are raw and icky, but that doesn't mean that your mom gets to dictate who you are friends with, EVER.

I know this because my Dad pulled the same line about me not being a good daughter when I contacted my moms BF shortly after the divorce in order to talk to her (Cell reception).

You are not a bad daughter. This is your mom's problem, tell your mom that if it bothers her, than YOUR MOM, needs to be the one that clicks on the "I don't want to see posts from this person" button when it comes to friends of friends posts.

huskypuppy14 · May 2015

No one is telling me who I should/should not be friends with on Facebook. Even my own mother.

Sorry, I don't have any advice, both my parents and my ILs are happily married.

hellosweetie1015 · May 2015

I'm thinking this is a combo of things. Emotions are raw already - your dad got a new GF pretty quickly (which isn't to say that's bad, of course, but it IS extremely tough on the other party) - and on top of that she has a tumor of some type, which is probably adding to things both in her emotional state, and physically having an effect.

It makes it no more okay, but it allows you to make a potential plan of attack. I'm not sure if you could volunteer to go to a doctors appointment with her? You could maybe discuss it with her doctor, and s/he might be able to give you advice about how to handle her.

I am so very sorry you're being pulled around like that.

ETF words.

TheArtemisMoon · May 2015

Yeah, your mom needs to get a grip and calling you at work and ranting was definitely wrong, but also put yourself in her position and think about what you might do if you were her. Maybe a better way to negate this situation is teaching your dad to use Facebook, send the pictures in an email, or text the pictures to your dad. Unfortunately, adults don't always behave well and it does sound like emotions are high all the way around. Just remember that you can't always please everyone. Good luck!

[Deleted User] · May 2015

TheArtemisMoon said:
Yeah, your mom needs to get a grip and calling you at work and ranting was definitely wrong, but also put yourself in her position and think about what you might do if you were her. Maybe a better way to negate this situation is teaching your dad to use Facebook, send the pictures in an email, or text the pictures to your dad. Unfortunately, adults don't always behave well and it does sound like emotions are high all the way around. Just remember that you can't always please everyone. Good luck!

Nope. Mom doesn't decide who I'm facebook friends with. That is completely and totally out of the realm of parental oversight as soon as I'm at least 18 years old.

TheArtemisMoon · May 2015

adk19 said:

TheArtemisMoon said:
Yeah, your mom needs to get a grip and calling you at work and ranting was definitely wrong, but also put yourself in her position and think about what you might do if you were her. Maybe a better way to negate this situation is teaching your dad to use Facebook, send the pictures in an email, or text the pictures to your dad. Unfortunately, adults don't always behave well and it does sound like emotions are high all the way around. Just remember that you can't always please everyone. Good luck!
Nope. Mom doesn't decide who I'm facebook friends with. That is completely and totally out of the realm of parental oversight as soon as I'm at least 18 years old.

I never said anything about the mother having control of Fb.

levioosa · May 2015

TheArtemisMoon said:

adk19 said:

TheArtemisMoon said:
Yeah, your mom needs to get a grip and calling you at work and ranting was definitely wrong, but also put yourself in her position and think about what you might do if you were her. Maybe a better way to negate this situation is teaching your dad to use Facebook, send the pictures in an email, or text the pictures to your dad. Unfortunately, adults don't always behave well and it does sound like emotions are high all the way around. Just remember that you can't always please everyone. Good luck!
Nope. Mom doesn't decide who I'm facebook friends with. That is completely and totally out of the realm of parental oversight as soon as I'm at least 18 years old.
I never said anything about the mother having control of Fb.

That sounds like a great idea to show someone you can be easily manipulated.

Love did nothing wrong. Her mom is acting irrationally. Yeah, it sucks because she's probably still reeling from the divorce, plus her new health issues, but that does not give her the right to pressure or guilt trip love like that.

Love, Hugs to you.

NWR: Divorced Parents

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