Wedding Party

How Do I Fire My Sister from Being MOH?

edited May 2015 in Wedding Party
My sister and I have always had a difference of opinion on many things. We don't see eye-to-eye on anything and we bicker and argue a lot. She always takes things too far and says really mean, horrible things when she is angry. I love my sister with all my heart and I know that she loves me, but sometimes we don't LIKE each other.

When I got engaged over Thanksgiving, both my Mom and her pressured me to ask her to be my Maid of Honor. Knowing she had zero wedding experience, lived across the country, and was going through a transitional period in her life (new job, boyfriend, move), I had a long discussion with her about what I would need from her and what being a Maid of Honor meant to me before I asked her. So she was well aware of what her duties would be. Against my better judgement, I let my Mom talk me into asking her to be my MOH.

A few weeks ago, she started arguing with me about anything wedding related and started telling me how selfish and self-centered I was. She claimed that I was only interested in having a huge expensive "Kardashian" wedding, which isn't true at all. She has also made the bridesmaid dress shopping experience horrible and caused a huge fight between the bridesmaids over dresses because everything we "picked" was not her style, when the discussion was only to get ideas of what everyone liked. She has also claimed that I am making everything about me (shocker! last time i checked it was MY wedding), and that I am being overly sensitive for getting upset by her actions.

I'm frankly worried that she is going to ruin my wedding day by getting angry over something and saying really mean, nasty things to me that make me cry. I DO NOT want to deal with that on a day that is supposed to be about the love between myself and my fiance. Both him and I are feeling very unsupported by her and I have made the decision that I can't have someone be my maid of honor who makes me feel bad all the time and turns every wedding-related thing a drama fest.

I still would obviously want my sister AT my wedding, but I am questioning even keeping her IN my wedding, let alone having her as my maid of honor when my other bridesmaids are SO much more supportive and graceful about putting up with her BS. I'm just not sure how to approach her about it, since it's obviously a sensitive topic. Any advice is appreciated.

Re: How Do I Fire My Sister from Being MOH?

  • Your sisters duties as MOH is to show up reasonably sober, at the agreed upon time, in agreed upon attire. Thats it. Anything else is cake.

    My advice, stop talking wedding with your sister. Let her know the attire (within reason) and when she needs to be at the venue. Stop making drama for yourself.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2015

    My sister and I have always had a difference of opinion on many things. We don't see eye-to-eye on anything and we bicker and argue a lot. She always takes things too far and says really mean, horrible things when she is angry. I love my sister with all my heart and I know that she loves me, but sometimes we don't LIKE each other.

    When I got engaged over Thanksgiving, both my Mom and her pressured me to ask her to be my Maid of Honor. Knowing she had zero wedding experience, lived across the country, and was going through a transitional period in her life (new job, boyfriend, move), I had a long discussion with her about what I would need from her and what being a Maid of Honor meant to me before I asked her. So she was well aware of what her duties would be. Against my better judgement, I let my Mom talk me into asking her to be my MOH.

    A few weeks ago, she started arguing with me about anything wedding related and started telling me how selfish and self-centered I was. She claimed that I was only interested in having a huge expensive "Kardashian" wedding, which isn't true at all. She has also made the bridesmaid dress shopping experience horrible and caused a huge fight between the bridesmaids over dresses because everything we "picked" was not her style, when the discussion was only to get ideas of what everyone liked. She has also claimed that I am making everything about me (shocker! last time i checked it was MY wedding), and that I am being overly sensitive for getting upset by her actions.

    I'm frankly worried that she is going to ruin my wedding day by getting angry over something and saying really mean, nasty things to me that make me cry. I DO NOT want to deal with that on a day that is supposed to be about the love between myself and my fiance. Both him and I are feeling very unsupported by her and I have made the decision that I can't have someone be my maid of honor who makes me feel bad all the time and turns every wedding-related thing a drama fest.

    I still would obviously want my sister AT my wedding, but I am questioning even keeping her IN my wedding, let alone having her as my maid of honor when my other bridesmaids are SO much more supportive and graceful about putting up with her BS. I'm just not sure how to approach her about it, since it's obviously a sensitive topic. Any advice is appreciated.

    What the heck do you mean by the bolded?  WHAT duties?
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  • Being someone's MOH is not a job. Your wedding party are people you choose to honor, not people that have duties and expectations. 

    Kicking your sister out of your wedding will most like have lasting effects on your relationship with her. Are you prepared for that? Your wedding is one day. Her behavior on that one day will not ruin your wedding. But if want to hurt your sister and damage your relationship, go ahead and kick her out. 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2015
    Are you for real?

    Outside of being so ridiculous and demanding when you asked her and tacking on all these duties, I can't believe that you could honestly believe that she would even consider attending your wedding after you kick her out. I'd be shocked if any of your family would still attend if you did that. 

  • It sounds like you need to manage (rethink) your expectations. The wedding industry, movies and tv shows show the MOH and wedding party as servants to the B&G. Throwing them parties, waiting on them hand and foot, and making another couples wedding day their top priority.

    That isn't real. If your WP (your closest friends) offer to do any of this for you, that's great! But it's not your place to expect any of it. That's not what getting married is about. Parties are not a right of passage.

    The wedding party are honored guests, who mean so much to you that you want them standing by your side when you get married. It's your responsibility to make sure to treat your MOH as graciously as possible - by not forcing her to wear a dress that she's not comfortable wearing. And by allowing her to enjoy the day, without asking her to work for it.
  • arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2015
    1) If you're relationship with your sister has always been this rocky, you shouldn't have asked her to be your MOH, regardless of the pressure from her and your mother. You knew of her behavior prior. You can't kick her out of the bridal party.

    2) The only duties a MOH has is to buy the dress and show up (sober) on the wedding day to stand at the front of the aisle with you.

    3) If she dislikes the bridesmaid dresses so much, consider letting her pick out a dress of her own choosing, just in the same color/fabric, so she could stand out as the MOH.

    4) You two should have a serious heart-to-heart chat.
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  • Oh yikes OP. I'm all for helping a friend or sibling out. Shoot, I was constantly reminding my friend that if she needed any help with her wedding to let me know. I stopped though when she said her mom was handling it. I trust her judgement more than mine. Now if she had called me and said "this is what I expect from you and no less . . . ." I'd probably re-evaluate things. She isn't paying me, she does not get to tell me what to do. Same goes for you and your sister. Try to lighten up and have a drink. It will calm the nerves.

     

    Also ask your bridesmaids individually what they are willing to budget for a bridesmaid dress. They should have some say in the dress they will most likely never ever wear again, especially how much they are willing to pay.

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  • Coming at this from an HR perspective, is her position union? If so then you need to look at her contract and determine what documentation you need to officially fire her. Now, if you are an "at will" employer you have a little more wiggle room but I would still cover your ass.

    When was her last performance review? Did you addresss these issues with her and develop a performance improvement plan, a good boss givea employees the tools they need to improve. The day of the dress fight, did you document it in an employee action form, review it with her and have her sign? If not, you're screwed because you can't do that retroactively.

    Goimg forward, talk to your HR manager, start documenting any incidents that happen on the job and be sure to have security on hand to escort her out of the building if you do need to fire her.

    Quoting because this is funny as shit!
  • Kicking someone out of a weddings can be end a relationship.  If you do not mind losing your sister over a dress.  Go right away and "fire" her.


    Your wedding is about your and your FI. The 2 of you should be planning the wedding (maybe even a parent if they offer).   There is NO reason to have to include BMs or MOH.  None at all.  If they want to help, let them.  But there should be no expectation on your side.  Especially an OOT.

    If dresses are an issue, why not just pick a designer, color and fabric and let them pick the style that suites them best?     Not only do they get to pick the style they would be most comfortable,  they also get to pick something they can afford.    And that is one thing off your plate.

    No one will be as excited about your wedding as you are. True story.  If she is being negative about details, STOP SHARING INFORMATION WITH HER.   As I said above, there is no reason for her to be involved anyway.   Just save yourself the headache.

    Once a drama queen always a drama queen.  If you didn't get along with her before, it's ridiculous to think just because you are getting married things with change.

    You made your own drama by backing down.  I suggest you lower your expectation of your sister.   Just let her get a dress and show up.


    FWIW - I've been an OOT BM and MOH for a lot of weddings.  

    During the engagement I didn't have any roles.  Sometimes I flew out to the showers, other times I didn't. i didn't even attend all the dressing shopping trips.  I never stuffed envelopes and stuff like that.   Nope, not at all.   I normally flew in 2-5 days before the wedding and helped the couple with last minute stuff.   I always had the dress on time. Once I picked up the dress the day before the wedding, but it was still on time. 

    I still feel like I supported my friends.  2 different brides flew to me just to get a break from planning.  The entire weekend was just having fun, no wedding talk.  One bride has a cray-cray mom and I whisked mom away for an early breakfast just so the bride could get a break for a few hours.    Support comes in different forms, remember that.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Coming at this from an HR perspective, is her position union? If so then you need to look at her contract and determine what documentation you need to officially fire her. Now, if you are an "at will" employer you have a little more wiggle room but I would still cover your ass.

    When was her last performance review? Did you addresss these issues with her and develop a performance improvement plan, a good boss givea employees the tools they need to improve. The day of the dress fight, did you document it in an employee action form, review it with her and have her sign? If not, you're screwed because you can't do that retroactively.

    Goimg forward, talk to your HR manager, start documenting any incidents that happen on the job and be sure to have security on hand to escort her out of the building if you do need to fire her.

    Winning!!!!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Coming at this from an HR perspective, is her position union? If so then you need to look at her contract and determine what documentation you need to officially fire her. Now, if you are an "at will" employer you have a little more wiggle room but I would still cover your ass.

    When was her last performance review? Did you addresss these issues with her and develop a performance improvement plan, a good boss givea employees the tools they need to improve. The day of the dress fight, did you document it in an employee action form, review it with her and have her sign? If not, you're screwed because you can't do that retroactively.

    Goimg forward, talk to your HR manager, start documenting any incidents that happen on the job and be sure to have security on hand to escort her out of the building if you do need to fire her.

    /DEAD
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  • You need to take a chill pill, first of all.

    Then talk to your sister about her own life. Don't bring up the wedding.

    If she's still being crazy, too bad, YOU asked her to be your MOH. If you didn't want her there in the first place, YOU shouldn't have asked her. It's not your mom's decision who you pick, so that's all on you. And like others, I'm curious what duties you presented her with, too.

    Unless she's smashing apart your wedding decor, spray painting your dress, and cutting your hair in your sleep, I don't see how she can ruin anything. Needless to say, at the end of the day the GETTING MARRIED part is what's important. Soooooooo calm down girly, you did this.
  • Let's step back for a moment and take a deep breath. Ready? Okay.

    It sounds like your sister has never been married before and probably does not realize what all goes into planning a wedding as well as how your wedding day should be about you and your FI. The history of your relationship with her should not dictate what today, tomorrow, or even your wedding day will look like. This is a time where everyone comes together and should love and support one another. It really sounds like she is needing more support from you right now more than anything. My suggestion would be to not speak of any wedding plans until you get to the root of her issues first. If she brings the wedding up then discuss what you are working on and leave it at that. If she truly loves and supports you she will offer to help in anyway that she can. BUT by all means this is not a time to task her with anything that she cannot handle. 

    MOH's are really only needed for the day-of anyways. She is there to support you, fluff your dress, make a nice speech, and have emergency items on hand. Really, all of the other things such as stuffing envelopes, getting guests favors ready, and the pre-party festivities (bachelorette, bridal shower) are all things that the rest of the bridal party can handle or whoever wants to host or help out with. The bachelorette party and bridal shower are extra and should NOT be expected from your bridal party.

    As far as the part about have a huge "Kardashian wedding," again, she probably does not realize what goes into planning a wedding and if you are throwing a lot ideas at her she may not be ready to talk about it or may be thinking that it may be grandiose but in reality it probably is not. Step back on giving her any ideas as it may not be something she can handle at this time. Leave a little room for surprise, she doesn't need to know everything that's going on. I always say the less people know, the better.

    For the dress, I agree that she should not have made a scene however you being the bride and everything should let her wear what makes her feel comfortable. No one should have to feel less than perfect on this joyous occasion. 

    It sounds like it is time for you to step up to the plate and be the bigger person here no matter what. Do not let petty things get in the way of your relationship and what should be the most important day of your life. Have a sit down, go visit with her. You may be surprised by putting the spot light on her right now and being there for her in her time of need what wonders it will do for you on your big day when you will need her the most.


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  • Well, I gave my opinion because it was asked for Trixie Jes. Obviously, we have different opinions and I can part with that.

     Really, all of the other things such as stuffing envelopes, getting guests favors ready, and the pre-party festivities (bachelorette, bridal shower) are all things that the rest of the bridal party can handle or whoever wants to host or help out with.

    Did you actually read the highlighted part or are you just looking for a rebuttle? Jeez

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  • Well, I gave my opinion because it was asked for Trixie Jes. Obviously, we have different opinions and I can part with that.


     Really, all of the other things such as stuffing envelopes, getting guests favors ready, and the pre-party festivities (bachelorette, bridal shower) are all things that the rest of the bridal party can handle or whoever wants to host or help out with.

    Did you actually read the highlighted part or are you just looking for a rebuttle? Jeez
    I did, but it seemed like a bit of a toss away. You still suggested that people who are in weddings have "duties". That does not go over well here...
  • Well, I gave my opinion because it was asked for Trixie Jes. Obviously, we have different opinions and I can part with that.


     Really, all of the other things such as stuffing envelopes, getting guests favors ready, and the pre-party festivities (bachelorette, bridal shower) are all things that the rest of the bridal party can handle or whoever wants to host or help out with.

    Did you actually read the highlighted part or are you just looking for a rebuttle? Jeez
    I did, but it seemed like a bit of a toss away. You still suggested that people who are in weddings have "duties". That does not go over well here...
    It goes over about as well as the concept that the rules of etiquette are subject to opinion.  
  • Well, I gave my opinion because it was asked for Trixie Jes. Obviously, we have different opinions and I can part with that.


     Really, all of the other things such as stuffing envelopes, getting guests favors ready, and the pre-party festivities (bachelorette, bridal shower) are all things that the rest of the bridal party can handle or whoever wants to host or help out with.

    Did you actually read the highlighted part or are you just looking for a rebuttle? Jeez
    I did, but it seemed like a bit of a toss away. You still suggested that people who are in weddings have "duties". That does not go over well here...


    It goes over about as well as the concept that the rules of etiquette are subject to opinion.
     
    So very well indeed.
  • Well, I gave my opinion because it was asked for Trixie Jes. Obviously, we have different opinions and I can part with that.


     Really, all of the other things such as stuffing envelopes, getting guests favors ready, and the pre-party festivities (bachelorette, bridal shower) are all things that the rest of the bridal party can handle or whoever wants to host or help out with.

    Did you actually read the highlighted part or are you just looking for a rebuttle? Jeez
    Yeah, NO. Please stop giving bad advice. 
  • Let's step back for a moment and take a deep breath. Ready? Okay.


    It sounds like your sister has never been married before and probably does not realize what all goes into planning a wedding as well as how your wedding day should be about you and your FI. The history of your relationship with her should not dictate what today, tomorrow, or even your wedding day will look like. This is a time where everyone comes together and should love and support one another. It really sounds like she is needing more support from you right now more than anything. My suggestion would be to not speak of any wedding plans until you get to the root of her issues first. If she brings the wedding up then discuss what you are working on and leave it at that. If she truly loves and supports you she will offer to help in anyway that she can. BUT by all means this is not a time to task her with anything that she cannot handle. 

    MOH's are really only needed for the day-of anyways. She is there to support you, fluff your dress, make a nice speech, and have emergency items on hand. Really, all of the other things such as stuffing envelopes, getting guests favors ready, and the pre-party festivities (bachelorette, bridal shower) are all things that the rest of the bridal party can handle or whoever wants to host or help out with. The bachelorette party and bridal shower are extra and should NOT be expected from your bridal party.

    As far as the part about have a huge "Kardashian wedding," again, she probably does not realize what goes into planning a wedding and if you are throwing a lot ideas at her she may not be ready to talk about it or may be thinking that it may be grandiose but in reality it probably is not. Step back on giving her any ideas as it may not be something she can handle at this time. Leave a little room for surprise, she doesn't need to know everything that's going on. I always say the less people know, the better.

    For the dress, I agree that she should not have made a scene however you being the bride and everything should let her wear what makes her feel comfortable. No one should have to feel less than perfect on this joyous occasion. 

    It sounds like it is time for you to step up to the plate and be the bigger person here no matter what. Do not let petty things get in the way of your relationship and what should be the most important day of your life. Have a sit down, go visit with her. You may be surprised by putting the spot light on her right now and being there for her in her time of need what wonders it will do for you on your big day when you will need her the most.


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