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Wedding 911

Seven months until the wedding and I already want to elope

edited April 2015 in Wedding 911
My apologies in advance. I have a LOT to get off my chest.

---

My fiance and I have been engaged for almost two years, but we decided to wait until after he finished school before we got married. From the moment he put the ring on my finger, everything with his family has been a complete and total nightmare.

Shortly after we announced our engagement, I was fired from my job. The circumstances of my termination aren't really that exciting, but regardless I felt that I had been unjustly let go. (I have since appealed my termination and had it overturned, on my record it now reads as a "voluntary resignation".) Working with my union, I began to fight my termination, and I began looking for a new job. Unfortunately, in the three months that it took me to find a new job, his parents' opinion of me had already been destroyed. They began telling my fiance that I was not a "good choice" for him, and that I was "bringing him down." They even went as far as inviting him over, so that they could try to set him up with somebody.

Then, just as suddenly as they stopped liking me, they started to like me again. FMIL would call and text saying that I should come over because she had just bought candies and cookies, and that she wanted to have a movie night and take me to Disney World. I went from being Public Enemy Number One to be infantilized by FMIL, and her family just acted like I was supposed to take this kind of treatment without saying a word.

To make matters worse, my FFIL barely says a word to me. Whenever I am with my fiance for a visit, we could be having a group conversation about something I could interject with my thoughts, and FFIL will just continue talking like I hadn't said a word. He's even gone as far as responding to my questions or ideas by addressing somebody else at the table rather than myself. The only kind words he has ever spoken about me are about how happy he is that his son got his act together and finished school since he has met me. But he has now said this same thing so many times now that it has no lost all feeling behind it.

Now that we are getting closer to the actual wedding day, I can just feel more than ever how little his family cares for me. Six months ago, I asked FMIL and FFIL for their guest list. I have asked once a month since then, but I still have no guest list. My grandmother and mother are beginning to get calls from relatives out of state wondering where their save the dates are, but other than his closest relatives I have no idea who is coming from his side. Right now my list is to about 79, his is 13.

I asked both of my FSILs to be in my wedding party and they accepted. The very next day, one of them took it upon herself to be my fiance's Best Woman. He did not ask her to, she told him she was. I was really hurt. I am only child, so one of the things I was really looking forward to about getting married was having sisters. I wanted them to be my bridesmaids because I thought it would be a great bonding experience. I have also since learned that the same FSIL has told my fiance that he could "do better, physically." Now on top of being hurt by her decision and by what she has said about me (she doesn't know that my fiance told me that), I am having to fight her on choices for my wedding. (She wants to wear a tux, and I want her to wear the same dress as the bridesmaids but in black.)

A few weeks ago, my fiance was visiting his parents and he thought it would make a good anecdote to tell his mother (a huge Disney fan) about how much a wedding their would cost for our estimated guest attendance. Within a couple of hours of leaving, my fiance got a text from the same FSIL about how her parents were fuming and refusing to pay for our wedding. We have never asked them to pay for our wedding, in fact my mother has been gracious enough to pay for it. Frankly, my mother and I are already pretty much expecting to need to cover the RD ourselves, too.

Every time my fiance so much as eludes to the wedding around his parents, they go on this long diatribe about how they had a small civil ceremony followed by a reception, and how they only spent $500 dollars on their wedding, and about how we should not be having a "big, fancy wedding" and be saving up for a home, instead of renting. He has explained to them at least a dozen times now that we are not paying for the wedding ourselves (and usually receives a response about how they won't pay for it).

In order to get married in the church, we needed a copy of my fiance's baptismal certificate. We remembered FMIL telling us once that her mom had a copy of it. So, my fiance sent her a text asking if she could call his grandmother and get it, and she started texting him back joke after joke about how he is the "son of satan" and about how she never had him baptized because "the church would have crumbled down." We figured she had been drinking, and decided just to call her the next morning. My fiance left her a message telling her what a big deal it was, and how it would make it that much easier to get married in the church (since I'm Catholic). FMIL called him back three days later and told him that he could never get married in a Catholic church because her mother is Jewish, and that makes her and her children Jewish. (Which isn't necessarily true, but that's beyond the point.)

As you can see, I am dealing with so much resistance from his family. It is driving me nuts, and while I wouldn't leave my fiance for anything in the world, I really just need some advice on how to deal with a very difficult future-in-law problem.

Re: Seven months until the wedding and I already want to elope

  • Sorry, I also forgot to mention that in a very heated discussion once, my fiance also mentioned to me that he believed his parents thought that I was too stupid to realize that they don't like me. Until then, I always sort of assumed that they just thought that I was too polite to say anything.
  • Sounds like a good one for the Catholic boards (though things are INCREDIBLY slow over there)...  That said -here's the advice you would get there..  If he knows or can get out of his grandma where he had been Baptized, then HE needs to call with an even approximate year and they should be able to get a copy without involving his family.  If you can't get any of that info, talk to the priest doing your prep for what your options are as Baptism is not required to be done in a church, so there is a procedure in the case of those who either have not been Baptized or are going through situations like your FI.  Have FI remind FMIL that Jesus was a Jew and that we Catholics take this whole marriage thing seriously.  But also you could set up a meeting with the priest being in the role as Chaplain because you don't want this to be something which can be an issue in your marriage.  I remember our Priest bringing up things we'd never talked about which years later I'm incredibly glad were discussed during our meetings.  The white elephant in the room isn't going to magically go away, and being the polite one that you've been to "just ignore it and it'll go away" is about to blow up if it's not addressed. 

    As for butch groomswoman who projected/wedged her way into a "Best" role and wants to wear a tux, let her if she's standing on his side..  Have your FI ask who he wants to be a Best Man if he wants someone other than her.  Not worth your energy to get in a battle over that one. 

    Pick up the book "Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning" - Elizabeth was a knottie on our local MSP boards "back in the day" and wrote the book with her Dad.  Tons of info on managing exactly what you're dealing with!!! 

    As for the guest list, IMO, go ahead and send out the STD's to those whose info you do have even if only your side (I'd defer to this to avoid additional rifts, but anyway).  Contrary to popular belief they aren't mandatory, only the actual invitations. 

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  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited April 2015
    shore012 said:

    My apologies in advance. I have a LOT to get off my chest.

    ---

    My fiance and I have been engaged for almost two years, but we decided to wait until after he finished school before we got married. From the moment he put the ring on my finger, everything with his family has been a complete and total nightmare.

    Shortly after we announced our engagement, I was fired from my job. The circumstances of my termination aren't really that exciting, but regardless I felt that I had been unjustly let go. (I have since appealed my termination and had it overturned, on my record it now reads as a "voluntary resignation".) Working with my union, I began to fight my termination, and I began looking for a new job. Unfortunately, in the three months that it took me to find a new job, his parents' opinion of me had already been destroyed. They began telling my fiance that I was not a "good choice" for him, and that I was "bringing him down." They even went as far as inviting him over, so that they could try to set him up with somebody.

    Then, just as suddenly as they stopped liking me, they started to like me again. FMIL would call and text saying that I should come over because she had just bought candies and cookies, and that she wanted to have a movie night and take me to Disney World. I went from being Public Enemy Number One to be infantilized by FMIL, and her family just acted like I was supposed to take this kind of treatment without saying a word.

    To make matters worse, my FFIL barely says a word to me. Whenever I am with my fiance for a visit, we could be having a group conversation about something I could interject with my thoughts, and FFIL will just continue talking like I hadn't said a word. He's even gone as far as responding to my questions or ideas by addressing somebody else at the table rather than myself. The only kind words he has ever spoken about me are about how happy he is that his son got his act together and finished school since he has met me. But he has now said this same thing so many times now that it has no lost all feeling behind it.

    Now that we are getting closer to the actual wedding day, I can just feel more than ever how little his family cares for me. Six months ago, I asked FMIL and FFIL for their guest list. I have asked once a month since then, but I still have no guest list. My grandmother and mother are beginning to get calls from relatives out of state wondering where their save the dates are, but other than his closest relatives I have no idea who is coming from his side. Right now my list is to about 79, his is 13.

    I asked both of my FSILs to be in my wedding party and they accepted. The very next day, one of them took it upon herself to be my fiance's Best Woman. He did not ask her to, she told him she was. I was really hurt. I am only child, so one of the things I was really looking forward to about getting married was having sisters. I wanted them to be my bridesmaids because I thought it would be a great bonding experience. I have also since learned that the same FSIL has told my fiance that he could "do better, physically." Now on top of being hurt by her decision and by what she has said about me (she doesn't know that my fiance told me that), I am having to fight her on choices for my wedding. (She wants to wear a tux, and I want her to wear the same dress as the bridesmaids but in black.)

    A few weeks ago, my fiance was visiting his parents and he thought it would make a good anecdote to tell his mother (a huge Disney fan) about how much a wedding their would cost for our estimated guest attendance. Within a couple of hours of leaving, my fiance got a text from the same FSIL about how her parents were fuming and refusing to pay for our wedding. We have never asked them to pay for our wedding, in fact my mother has been gracious enough to pay for it. Frankly, my mother and I are already pretty much expecting to need to cover the RD ourselves, too.

    Every time my fiance so much as eludes to the wedding around his parents, they go on this long diatribe about how they had a small civil ceremony followed by a reception, and how they only spent $500 dollars on their wedding, and about how we should not be having a "big, fancy wedding" and be saving up for a home, instead of renting. He has explained to them at least a dozen times now that we are not paying for the wedding ourselves (and usually receives a response about how they won't pay for it).

    In order to get married in the church, we needed a copy of my fiance's baptismal certificate. We remembered FMIL telling us once that her mom had a copy of it. So, my fiance sent her a text asking if she could call his grandmother and get it, and she started texting him back joke after joke about how he is the "son of satan" and about how she never had him baptized because "the church would have crumbled down." We figured she had been drinking, and decided just to call her the next morning. My fiance left her a message telling her what a big deal it was, and how it would make it that much easier to get married in the church (since I'm Catholic). FMIL called him back three days later and told him that he could never get married in a Catholic church because her mother is Jewish, and that makes her and her children Jewish. (Which isn't necessarily true, but that's beyond the point.)

    As you can see, I am dealing with so much resistance from his family. It is driving me nuts, and while I wouldn't leave my fiance for anything in the world, I really just need some advice on how to deal with a very difficult future-in-law problem.



    That sucks.

    I agree with PP, if you have some idea of when and where he was baptized, you should be able to track the church down yourselves and have a copy from them sent to you.

    No one should be worrying about STDs. If they're that concerned, have your mom tell them the date and city of the wedding when they call - that's all they need to know. We didn't send STDs and everyone lived to tell the tale. I had a reverse problem with MIL and the guest list - she wasn't able to cut it down to the people we were able to host for them. FI ended up telling her that if she couldn't make the decisions about who to cut from the list, he'd just do it and she couldn't complain about the result. Your FI may need to make a similar offer, but in reverse - he'll put together a guest list if they can't manage it by X date, and they can't complain about the result.

    Being a BM for someone is rarely a "bonding experience." If anything, it usually exacerbates any existing issues. The people who want to go do lots of wedding-related things and have this vision of all the girls doing lots of things together before the wedding usually make the most obnoxious brides - so if you're not putting unrealistic time expectations on your BMs, what is there to bond over? Everyone buying a dress and showing up to the wedding to wear it? I understand wanting more from your relationship with your FSILs, but the positions in the wedding party will not help that.

    You're just going to have to accept that his parents are somewhat ridiculous. As long as your FI defends you when necessary (i.e., if they are obviously and deliberately disrespectful to you, he should call them out), and is willing to be a united front with you if they try to be pushy, that's all you can do.

    Anniversary

    MesmrEwe
  • The way that they treated you when you were first engaged sucked.
    shore012 said:

    Then, just as suddenly as they stopped liking me, they started to like me again. FMIL would call and text saying that I should come over because she had just bought candies and cookies, and that she wanted to have a movie night and take me to Disney World. I went from being Public Enemy Number One to be infantilized by FMIL, and her family just acted like I was supposed to take this kind of treatment without saying a word.

    -----Ugh, boxes-----

    As far as being kind to you again, maybe they saw the error of their ways.  Maybe they realized that you weren't going anywhere, and chose to behave accordingly.  I don't see how inviting you over for cookies or to watch a movie = infantilizing?  And as far as "without saying a word," what words would you have said?  "Thanks for the cookies, but you're still a bitch?"  It sounds like they were making an effort, I don't think there was anything else to say about it.

    As far as the guest list, is there any reason to think they're withholding it out of spite?  Or do they just not have their shit together?  Your FI should be asking them for their guest list, not you.  If he doesn't have it by the time you send invites, those people are not invited.  The end.

    Regarding your FSILs, how is your relationship with them overall?  If you're not close with them already, they really don't need to be in your BP.  It's not cool that FSIL1 just declared herself a groomswoman, but if your FI had asked her, it would have made sense if she's close to him and not so much you.  Were you there when FSIL said the thing about how he could do better, physically?  Because if not, then whoever told you needs to SFTU and stop stirring the pot.  (Even--especially--if it was your FI.)

    How you choose to spend your money is none of their business, so stop discussing the wedding with them, especially finances.  Then you won't have to hear about how little they spent or what else you could do with that money.  If they bring it up, tell them the subject is closed, and then change the subject.

    Your FMIL is being weird about the baptismal certificate, but if your FI at least knows which parish, then hopefully he can track it down through them.

    They sound challenging, but if I were you, I'd take a step back, rather than taking things (like the guest list) personally.


  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2015
    shore012 said:

    My apologies in advance. I have a LOT to get off my chest.

    ---

    My fiance and I have been engaged for almost two years, but we decided to wait until after he finished school before we got married. From the moment he put the ring on my finger, everything with his family has been a complete and total nightmare.

    Shortly after we announced our engagement, I was fired from my job. The circumstances of my termination aren't really that exciting, but regardless I felt that I had been unjustly let go. (I have since appealed my termination and had it overturned, on my record it now reads as a "voluntary resignation".) Working with my union, I began to fight my termination, and I began looking for a new job. Unfortunately, in the three months that it took me to find a new job, his parents' opinion of me had already been destroyed. They began telling my fiance that I was not a "good choice" for him, and that I was "bringing him down." They even went as far as inviting him over, so that they could try to set him up with somebody.

    Then, just as suddenly as they stopped liking me, they started to like me again. FMIL would call and text saying that I should come over because she had just bought candies and cookies, and that she wanted to have a movie night and take me to Disney World. I went from being Public Enemy Number One to be infantilized by FMIL, and her family just acted like I was supposed to take this kind of treatment without saying a word.

    To make matters worse, my FFIL barely says a word to me. Whenever I am with my fiance for a visit, we could be having a group conversation about something I could interject with my thoughts, and FFIL will just continue talking like I hadn't said a word. He's even gone as far as responding to my questions or ideas by addressing somebody else at the table rather than myself. The only kind words he has ever spoken about me are about how happy he is that his son got his act together and finished school since he has met me. But he has now said this same thing so many times now that it has no lost all feeling behind it.

    Now that we are getting closer to the actual wedding day, I can just feel more than ever how little his family cares for me. Six months ago, I asked FMIL and FFIL for their guest list. I have asked once a month since then, but I still have no guest list. My grandmother and mother are beginning to get calls from relatives out of state wondering where their save the dates are, but other than his closest relatives I have no idea who is coming from his side. Right now my list is to about 79, his is 13.

    I asked both of my FSILs to be in my wedding party and they accepted. The very next day, one of them took it upon herself to be my fiance's Best Woman. He did not ask her to, she told him she was. I was really hurt. I am only child, so one of the things I was really looking forward to about getting married was having sisters. I wanted them to be my bridesmaids because I thought it would be a great bonding experience. I have also since learned that the same FSIL has told my fiance that he could "do better, physically." Now on top of being hurt by her decision and by what she has said about me (she doesn't know that my fiance told me that), I am having to fight her on choices for my wedding. (She wants to wear a tux, and I want her to wear the same dress as the bridesmaids but in black.)

    A few weeks ago, my fiance was visiting his parents and he thought it would make a good anecdote to tell his mother (a huge Disney fan) about how much a wedding their would cost for our estimated guest attendance. Within a couple of hours of leaving, my fiance got a text from the same FSIL about how her parents were fuming and refusing to pay for our wedding. We have never asked them to pay for our wedding, in fact my mother has been gracious enough to pay for it. Frankly, my mother and I are already pretty much expecting to need to cover the RD ourselves, too.

    Every time my fiance so much as eludes to the wedding around his parents, they go on this long diatribe about how they had a small civil ceremony followed by a reception, and how they only spent $500 dollars on their wedding, and about how we should not be having a "big, fancy wedding" and be saving up for a home, instead of renting. He has explained to them at least a dozen times now that we are not paying for the wedding ourselves (and usually receives a response about how they won't pay for it).

    In order to get married in the church, we needed a copy of my fiance's baptismal certificate. We remembered FMIL telling us once that her mom had a copy of it. So, my fiance sent her a text asking if she could call his grandmother and get it, and she started texting him back joke after joke about how he is the "son of satan" and about how she never had him baptized because "the church would have crumbled down." We figured she had been drinking, and decided just to call her the next morning. My fiance left her a message telling her what a big deal it was, and how it would make it that much easier to get married in the church (since I'm Catholic). FMIL called him back three days later and told him that he could never get married in a Catholic church because her mother is Jewish, and that makes her and her children Jewish. (Which isn't necessarily true, but that's beyond the point.)

    As you can see, I am dealing with so much resistance from his family. It is driving me nuts, and while I wouldn't leave my fiance for anything in the world, I really just need some advice on how to deal with a very difficult future-in-law problem.



    (SIB)  You don't need the Catholic board for this one!  You need to have  Come-to-Jesus talk with your FI!   Why on earth is he repeating all this hurtful conversation/texts to you?  He needs a filter on his mouth.
    If your FILS are saying hurtful things about you, he needs to deal with it on the spot - not come running to tell YOU!  Doesn't he care about hurting you?  Or is he just too much of a wimp to stand up to his family?
    The next time your FI repeats something hurtful to you that someone else said, you should ask him WHY he is telling you this crap!
    "Oooo, guess what Mom said about you?  She thinks you are fat and stupid!"  Would you ever say this to him?  I hope not.

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • You poor thing. Weddings bring out the crazy in people, especially already crazy in laws ;) you need to step back, take a breath and let fi deal with his family. If they can't provide names and addresses for those they want to invite by x date, they don't get invited. End of story.

    Let him deal with his sister. And let your First know that by telling you the nasty things his family is saying, you are getting upset and judging them and it will be challenging for you to want to be around them in the future.

    Fi needs his family to get behind him and your relationship or step aside and don't be involved.

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  • Thank you all for your help, and I'm sorry that it took me so long to respond. I finally got the nerve to stand up to FMIL and I basically let her know that if she doesn't plan on contributing to the wedding financially than she can just keep her opinions to herself. Surprisingly, she seemed to take it pretty well, and while I'm sure that things are still being said behind my back, at least for now things seem better.

    I have yet to deal with the FSIL dress problem, but my fiance and maids of honor have offered to take care of it for me. Which is great, because I have more than enough on my plate right now. My venue wasn't available for the date I wanted, and unless I wanted my guests driving 45 minutes from the church to a different venue, our only option was to change the date. Now our wedding is about a month earlier and I was already behind in planning!
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2015
    shore012 said:

    Thank you all for your help, and I'm sorry that it took me so long to respond. I finally got the nerve to stand up to FMIL and I basically let her know that if she doesn't plan on contributing to the wedding financially than she can just keep her opinions to herself. Surprisingly, she seemed to take it pretty well, and while I'm sure that things are still being said behind my back, at least for now things seem better.

    I have yet to deal with the FSIL dress problem, but my fiance and maids of honor have offered to take care of it for me. Which is great, because I have more than enough on my plate right now. My venue wasn't available for the date I wanted, and unless I wanted my guests driving 45 minutes from the church to a different venue, our only option was to change the date. Now our wedding is about a month earlier and I was already behind in planning!



    image

     

    You have a Fi problem. And a big one at that. Why isn't your Fi standing up for you? Why is he telling you all these hurtful comments?

    And you don't have a "FSIL dress problem." If she is more comfortable in a tux than a dress, she should wear a tux.

    It sounds like you are expecting your FILs to pay for parts o your wedding. You need to let that go. They don't have to pay a penny for your wedding (or your RD). Host what you can afford.

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    CMGragainesstee33
  • Just wow, wtf?! His family sounds exceptionally rude. It also sounds like they are making a mockery of BOTH of you. Don't let them dominate YOUR wedding. As long as you and your fiance are happy with each other, his family needs to cool their heels and back off. Hope you find another and better job soon.
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