Etiquette regarding online RSVPs

MissTessa · May 2015

Most of my fiance's friends and families live in Europe, so we decided that using an online RSVP form would be best for everyone. We did a trial run with online RSVP's for the engagement party and it worked out nicely, sending us an email every time someone submitted their form.

However, since we aren't giving everyone a plus one since it's a rather intimate wedding, would it be distasteful to have the guests select their names from a drop-down so they know where to put their plus one's names if they have one and then not show the field at all for when they don't?

Otherwise, I can probably use JavaScript to detect what they typed in the field to determine it that way so not everyone can see the entire guest list. I think that's the better option, actually.

Anyway, what do you suggest? Has anyone else used online RSVP forms for their wedding? What was your experience with them? Please and thank you!

Edit:

Since most of you think it's rude to not give certain guests plus ones, I assure you, all but five have a plus one, and those five don't have them for very specific reasons which are listed in one of my comments below. So please only respond if you have something to share regarding the topic of this discussion. Thank you.

Other than that, this article is what allowed me to think that not giving everyone a plus one was okay. However, that is a topic for a different discussion. I appreciate your cooperation.

AddieCake · May 2015

Why are some people getting a plus one and others not?

MissTessa · May 2015

For our guests that have been in a relationship with the same person for a year or more, they get a plus one, expecting it to be their significant other. For anyone who doesn't, they won't.

Like I said, it's an intimate wedding with about 70 guests including the plus ones we expect to get invited. We don't want people that we never met attending our wedding. It's just weird. We already had our engagement party, so most of the guests already know each other. The ones that don't would be coming from Europe, but they all already know each other since they are either his family or people he went to University with.

kkcc2015 · May 2015

...I think you're going to get a lot of responses telling you that it's not a great idea (in fact, it's really rude) for you to decide a time frame for who gets a plus one/who doesn't. That's no degree to measure how serious a relationship is, and not your business anyway. Anyone in a relationship should be invited with their significant other, and any truly single people do not need one, if it helps you on your gust list.

That being out, online RSVPs I'm sure are fine.

whovianstark · May 2015

kkcc2015 said:
...I think you're going to get a lot of responses telling you that it's not a great idea (in fact, it's really rude) for you to decide a time frame for who gets a plus one/who doesn't. That's no degree to measure how serious a relationship is, and not your business anyway. Anyone in a relationship should be invited with their significant other, and any truly single people do not need one, if it helps you on your gust list.

That being out, online RSVPs I'm sure are fine.

Agreed. If someone considers themselves in a relationship then their significant other should be invited, especially if they are traveling such a long way for your wedding. 70 people isn't that intimate, you probably won't even notice that one person (I'm sure you will see them but I can't see it having a negative impact on your wedding. )

TrixieJess · May 2015

By your philosophy, FI and I would not have been invited to your wedding as a couple. We were dating for 6 months when we decided to move in with each other. Three months after that I was pregnant, but we weren't together for a year so no wedding for us.

I'm glad my girlfriend didn't have that same philosophy, we were invited to her wedding 3 months after dating.

Btw, 70 people is not "intimate". It's small, we are having 30-35 people, that's "intimate".

MissTessa · May 2015

I appreciate the honestly and your opinions, and most, if not all, of his family and friends from Europe are getting plus one's.

To be more specific, here's the kind of people on our list that aren't getting plus ones.

Groom's father, because his mother passed away in childhood and his father has been a recluse for years. He'd rather come with his other son (who is already invited with a plus one for his girlfriend), so there is no reason to send one out to him.

One of the groom's coworkers, because she has recently came to America with her younger brother and has already told us she wouldn't need one.

Best Man, because his fiance already told us that despite asking her employer months in advance, she works in a field that just won't allow her the time off in December.

A friend of mine, because he already told us that he won't be bringing anyone, and most of my friends that are already invited are his friends too, so it's not like it would be awkward for him.

Two of our friends that are currently dating each other, but we have no idea if they'll be dating by the time our wedding comes. If they broke up, we wouldn't want one to not be able to come, so they both have separate invites, but no plus ones.

And that's it. The rest of the guests have a plus one.

Regardless, you should have been able to give a suggestion regarding online RSVP forms without having to judge the way I'm organizing my guest list. I thank you for your honesty anyway.

whovianstark · May 2015

MissTessa said:
I appreciate the honestly and your opinions, and most, if not all, of his family and friends from Europe are getting plus one's.

To be more specific, here's the kind of people on our list that aren't getting plus ones.

Groom's father, because his mother passed away in childhood and his father has been a recluse for years. He'd rather come with his other son (who is already invited with a plus one for his girlfriend), so there is no reason to send one out to him.

One of the groom's coworkers, because she has recently came to America with her younger brother and has already told us she wouldn't need one.

Best Man, because his fiance already told us that despite asking her employer months in advance, she works in a field that just won't allow her the time off in December.

A friend of mine, because he already told us that he won't be bringing anyone, and most of my friends that are already invited are his friends too, so it's not like it would be awkward for him.

Two of our friends that are currently dating each other, but we have no idea if they'll be dating by the time our wedding comes. If they broke up, we wouldn't want one to not be able to come, so they both have separate invites, but no plus ones.

And that's it. The rest of the guests have a plus one.

Regardless, you should have been able to give a suggestion regarding online RSVP forms without having to judge the way I'm organizing my guest list. I thank you for your honesty anyway.

I wasn't judging you. I didn't read all of the exceptions but it just seems like there is a confusion between a plus one and a significant other. A plus one is never required but it is nice of you to offer to your OOT guests. Significant others (even of a day) should be invited together if the person feels like they are in a relationship. It sounds like you don't have any guests in this situation which is good. But image the PP above, if you followed those rules her fiance and father of her child wouldn't be invited. That is all people are pointing out.

MissTessa · May 2015

Also, I was using the suggestions from this article in regards to keeping guest lists down.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandy-malone/how-to-keep-your-guest-list_b_1678118.html

TrixieJess · May 2015

Truly single people don't need a plus one, I didn't get a plus one for another girlfriend's wedding because I wasn't dating anyone. Anyone in any sort of defined relationship needs to have their significant other invited.

whovianstark · May 2015

MissTessa said:
Also, I was using the suggestions from this article in regards to keeping guest lists down.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandy-malone/how-to-keep-your-guest-list_b_1678118.html

No way. That article also says to B-list. I would trust the advice on this site over anything else. Trust me, I know the advice can sometimes come off as harsh. Just look at my first post, but I had to realize the hard way that I was being an asshole. Judging if someone's relationship is significant enough to go to your wedding is not the way to treat your guests.

artbyallie · May 2015

You don't put 'plus one' or 'and guest' on an invitation to someone who has a significant other (of ANY length of time, not some arbitrary increment decided by you). You put that person's name on the invitation too.

I dislike online RSVPs. If you insist on using them, just let your guests type in the names of people attending.

levioosa · May 2015

MissTessa said:
Most of my fiance's friends and families live in Europe, so we decided that using an online RSVP form would be best for everyone. We did a trial run with online RSVP's for the engagement party and it worked out nicely, sending us an email every time someone submitted their form.

However, since we aren't giving everyone a plus one since it's a rather intimate wedding, would it be distasteful to have the guests select their names from a drop-down so they know where to put their plus one's names if they have one and then not show the field at all for when they don't?

Otherwise, I can probably use JavaScript to detect what they typed in the field to determine it that way so not everyone can see the entire guest list. I think that's the better option, actually.

Anyway, what do you suggest? Has anyone else used online RSVP forms for their wedding? What was your experience with them? Please and thank you!

Edit:
Since most of you think it's rude to not give certain guests plus ones, I assure you, all but five have a plus one, and those five don't have them for very specific reasons which are listed in one of my comments below. So please only respond if you have something to share regarding the topic of this discussion. Thank you.

Other than that, this article is what allowed me to think that not giving everyone a plus one was okay. However, that is a topic for a different discussion. I appreciate your cooperation.

That article is not a good source of etiquette advice. Look to Miss Manners.

You can't dictate how people post. This is an open forum. You posted that you plan on doing something rude, and people will respond accordingly.

"Plus ones" are for truly single people. ANYONE in a relationship, regardless of the amount of time they have been in a relationship (1 week, or six months or 17 years) must be invited with their SO by name. It's incredibly rude to invite someone to share in a day of love while telling them that their relationship isn't valid. Add to that the fact that you have guests traveling, and it's a recipe for really negatively impacting your relationships.

I personally don't like online RSVPs. They just seem so informal to me. There's nothing wrong etiquette-wise about having them, but if you are having a formal event, you really should have physical invitations.

SP29 · May 2015

MissTessa said:
For our guests that have been in a relationship with the same person for a year or more, they get a plus one, expecting it to be their significant other. For anyone who doesn't, they won't.

Stuck in the box!

First, to the bolded, this is not a plus one. ANYONE who considers them self in a relationship should have their significant other invited by name. Doesn't matter how long they've been dating.

Plus one refers to offering a truly single guest the option to bring a date. Plus ones are never required, only a nice gesture.

As per the online RSVP. We offered two options- return the RSVP card or RSVP online. Most people returned the card (even the guests whom we invited from out of country). A couple people used the RSVP and it worked out fine. We used the one here on TheKnot.

With the online RSVP here, you input your guests names beforehand, so when someone types their name in, it will show up including any guests attached to the same invite. It also allowed them to choose their meal option. It doesn't show the rest of the guest list.

Sounds like TheKnot's online RSVP would have everything you need figured out for you already.

MissTessa · May 2015

Well, okay, so maybe a year is a harsh deciding factor, but in order to have their plus one by name, I'd need to know it before I create the invitations (which the invitations themselves will be physical). So it's like if Jack who was dating Sally in August, both planned to come to my wedding, and then he breaks up with her in November and started dating Molly a week before the event. Sally's name is already on the invitation and the place card. That would be incredibly rude, if not downright disrespectful for Molly (all people I just invented for this scenario).

Granted, I can't control their relationships and maybe I'm overthinking it, but it actually already happened with one of our guests who brought his girlfriend to our engagement party. We're still going to give him a plus one, but we have no idea who he is going to bring or if he'll even have someone by then. I just want to avoid putting "and guest" on the invitation, so it would be nice to have a name to put on his invite, which means he'll need to have someone at least 3 or 4 months out.

Pellegcm · May 2015

MissTessa said:Well, okay, so maybe a year is a harsh deciding factor, but in order to have their plus one by name, I'd need to know it before I create the invitations (which the invitations themselves will be physical). So it's like if Jack who was dating Sally in August, both planned to come to my wedding, and then he breaks up with her in November and started dating Molly a week before the event. Sally's name is already on the invitation and the place card. That would be incredibly rude, if not downright disrespectful for Molly (all people I just invented for this scenario).
Granted, I can't control their relationships and maybe I'm overthinking it, but it actually already happened with one of our guests who brought his girlfriend to our engagement party. We're still going to give him a plus one, but we have no idea who he is going to bring or if he'll even have someone by then. I just want to avoid putting "and guest" on the invitation, so it would be nice to have a name to put on his invite, which means he'll need to have someone at least 3 or 4 months out.
______________________ETA stupid boxes_______________________________

You go with the information you have. You try to suss out who is in a relationship and what their full name is. your made up scenario partially happened to me - one of our guests and his girlfriend lived together, so I sent it to their address addressed appropriately. They had broken up the day before I mailed their invitation, and hadn't told anyone yet. Did I feel awful? Yes. Did I do anything wrong? No. I went with the information that I knew to be correct. You do what you can.

artbyallie · May 2015

If your wedding is in November, you have no business sending out your invitations in August. You do that 6-8 weeks before your RSVP date, which will be determined by when you need final numbers, typically a week or so out, and leave a few extra days to call people who didn't RSVP.

whovianstark · May 2015

MissTessa said:
Well, okay, so maybe a year is a harsh deciding factor, but in order to have their plus one by name, I'd need to know it before I create the invitations (which the invitations themselves will be physical). So it's like if Jack who was dating Sally in August, both planned to come to my wedding, and then he breaks up with her in November and started dating Molly a week before the event. Sally's name is already on the invitation and the place card. That would be incredibly rude, if not downright disrespectful for Molly (all people I just invented for this scenario).

Granted, I can't control their relationships and maybe I'm overthinking it, but it actually already happened with one of our guests who brought his girlfriend to our engagement party. We're still going to give him a plus one, but we have no idea who he is going to bring or if he'll even have someone by then. I just want to avoid putting "and guest" on the invitation, so it would be nice to have a name to put on his invite, which means he'll need to have someone at least 3 or 4 months out.

The other things I've learned on these boards is you only have to worry about significant others before you send out the invites. If you ask Joe if he has a SO before the invites go out and he says "no", you address it to Mr. Joe Smith. If he gets a significant other in the time between when the invitations go out and the wedding you are within etiquette to decline his request to add someone. If you put "and guest" on his invitation he should be filling in the guest's name if you have place cards and if he puts in the wrong name that is on him, not you.

drunkenwitch · May 2015

Given that I got woken up early and I'm cranky and the OP decided to tell people what to do and only post about her question I am a contrary little snot I'm responding with BOOBS!

hellosweetie1015 · May 2015

What you are doing is not offering plus ones. You're inviting significant others.

Plus one: my FI's best friend, who has no girlfriend, can bring anyone he so chooses.

Significant other: my sister's boyfriend, who has been dating my sister for 7 months.

Regardless of whether that fiancée can come or not, you need to invite her. Circumstances change, and she may be able to come after all - but if she wasn't invited, you've not allowed her the option should it arise.

Re: the online RSVP: I don't have an issue with them, so long as they function as intended. I would include a paper RSVP as well, in case some people do not choose to use the online one. I don't have any advice on what to do with them though.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

hellosweetie1015 said:
What you are doing is not offering plus ones. You're inviting significant others.

Plus one: my FI's best friend, who has no girlfriend, can bring anyone he so chooses.

Significant other: my sister's boyfriend, who has been dating my sister for 7 months.

Regardless of whether that fiancée can come or not, you need to invite her. Circumstances change, and she may be able to come after all - but if she wasn't invited, you've not allowed her the option should it arise.

Re: the online RSVP: I don't have an issue with them, so long as they function as intended. I would include a paper RSVP as well, in case some people do not choose to use the online one. I don't have any advice on what to do with them though.

Yes. This. OP has a definition problem. All significant others should be invited BY NAME regardless of how long they've been significant. You do not need to offer Plus Ones to truly single people. Before you send out invitations, call up or facebook message or text or email your friends and ask them if they're seeing anyone and for the correct spelling of their name. Single people can be invited alone. If circumstances change between the 8 weeks between the invitations getting mailed and the wedding, they can be handled on a case-by-case basis. i.e. Joe getting serious with a new girl pretty seriously, Jane's fiance not being able to attend and she wants to bring a girlfriend to travel with her, Bill and Sue splitting up, etc.

becomingmcclain · May 2015

MissTessa said:
I appreciate the honestly and your opinions, and most, if not all, of his family and friends from Europe are getting plus one's.

To be more specific, here's the kind of people on our list that aren't getting plus ones.

Groom's father, because his mother passed away in childhood and his father has been a recluse for years. He'd rather come with his other son (who is already invited with a plus one for his girlfriend), so there is no reason to send one out to him.

One of the groom's coworkers, because she has recently came to America with her younger brother and has already told us she wouldn't need one.

Best Man, because his fiance already told us that despite asking her employer months in advance, she works in a field that just won't allow her the time off in December.

A friend of mine, because he already told us that he won't be bringing anyone, and most of my friends that are already invited are his friends too, so it's not like it would be awkward for him.

Two of our friends that are currently dating each other, but we have no idea if they'll be dating by the time our wedding comes. If they broke up, we wouldn't want one to not be able to come, so they both have separate invites, but no plus ones.

And that's it. The rest of the guests have a plus one.

Regardless, you should have been able to give a suggestion regarding online RSVP forms without having to judge the way I'm organizing my guest list. I thank you for your honesty anyway.

In my opinion, I'd invite every single one of these people with a plus one. You already know they will not be bringing the plus one, then you can set your website up in one standard way.

Pellegcm · May 2015

becomingmcclain said:

MissTessa said:
I appreciate the honestly and your opinions, and most, if not all, of his family and friends from Europe are getting plus one's.

To be more specific, here's the kind of people on our list that aren't getting plus ones.

Groom's father, because his mother passed away in childhood and his father has been a recluse for years. He'd rather come with his other son (who is already invited with a plus one for his girlfriend), so there is no reason to send one out to him.

One of the groom's coworkers, because she has recently came to America with her younger brother and has already told us she wouldn't need one.

Best Man, because his fiance already told us that despite asking her employer months in advance, she works in a field that just won't allow her the time off in December.

A friend of mine, because he already told us that he won't be bringing anyone, and most of my friends that are already invited are his friends too, so it's not like it would be awkward for him.

Two of our friends that are currently dating each other, but we have no idea if they'll be dating by the time our wedding comes. If they broke up, we wouldn't want one to not be able to come, so they both have separate invites, but no plus ones.

And that's it. The rest of the guests have a plus one.

Regardless, you should have been able to give a suggestion regarding online RSVP forms without having to judge the way I'm organizing my guest list. I thank you for your honesty anyway.
In my opinion, I'd invite every single one of these people with a plus one. You already know they will not be bringing the plus one, then you can set your website up in one standard way.

Yeah .... that won't backfire....

madamerwin · May 2015

Also, I was using the suggestions from this article in regards to keeping guest lists down.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandy-malone/how-to-keep-your-guest-list_b_1678118.html

Holy shit, these are probably the WORST suggestions I have ever heard... With the exception of having a destination wedding, these are pretty much all incredibly rude.

PP's have the whole "significant other" vs. "plus one" covered, but you should still invite your friend's FI who said she can't come. Circumstances change, and she may be able to attend after all. In fact, same with any of your guests... We sent invites to a handful of people who told us they won't be able to attend, and lo and behold, one of them will be able to come after all.

Also, what would you do in the case of @TrixieJess, where she was pregnant before a year had passed? Would she still not be invited? It's not your call to decide when other people's relationships get serious. You need to invite people plus their SO's by name. If people get into relationships or break up after invites go out, you're not obligated to make changes to your guest list, but you need to do your best to invite couples as units, regardless of the length of their relationships.

redoryx · May 2015

MissTessa said:
Also, I was using the suggestions from this article in regards to keeping guest lists down.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandy-malone/how-to-keep-your-guest-list_b_1678118.html

This entire list is horrible. Please ignore all of the advice on that list. For real. Just reading it, i'm all...

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